The Fixer’s Dilemma: Why True Leadership is About Presence, Not Solutions

KEYWORDS

husDOM leadership, relationship support, fixing mentality, emotional resilience, being present, dominant leadership, supporting your partner, empathy in relationships, patience in relationships, self-reflection, relationship challenges, masculine leadership, connection and trust, emotional connection, balancing control and support

Speaker 

Mr Fox 

Podcast Episode: The Struggle of Fixing

Introduction

Welcome to this week’s episode of the husDOM Masculine Dominant Leadership Podcast. Today’s episode stems from a recent conversation I had with a friend about relationships. We touched on a profound realization: as leaders in our relationships, as husDOMs, there are some things we can control and others we simply cannot.

Leadership isn’t always about having a solution, and for many of us as masculine-minded men, that can be a tough pill to swallow. Right? We are fixers… We face a challenge, and we immediately want to overcome it and conquer it.

Let’s unpack this today, focusing on the balance between control, support, and connection in our relationships.

Our grapple with Fixing

As men, we often feel the need to solve problems, to find solutions, and to fix things when they’re not working. It’s a role many of us naturally take on. The fixer…  When our partner is going through a challenging time, our instinct is to step in and fix it—to make things better as quickly as possible. However, gentlemen, here’s the hard truth: not every situation can be fixed by us, and that’s okay.

Real leadership doesn’t always come from having the answers. It comes from being present, being patient, and understanding that some challenges are out of our control. True masculinity encompasses more than problem-solving; it also includes empathy, support, and emotional resilience.

Our partners experience change constantly. These changes can be hormonal, physical, emotional, or tied to life circumstances. They might stem from evolving roles in the family, health challenges, or even the natural process of aging. When these changes occur, they can feel overwhelming, and it’s important to remember that THEIR struggle is not about US but about what THEY are experiencing.

So, what happens when you realize YOU can’t fix it?

That’s when your role shifts from a fixer to a supporter. Instead of focusing on solutions, focus on presence. Instead of trying to control the outcome, focus on creating an environment of care and understanding.

This shift isn’t always easy, especially for those of us who thrive on solving problems, the masculine. But it’s one of the most powerful ways to strengthen your connection with your partner and demonstrate true leadership in your relationship.

The Journey

The fixer…  Does this resonate with you in any way?

Imagine your partner is navigating a challenging period of physical or emotional change. Perhaps they’re dealing with health-related side effects from a new medication, such as nausea, fatigue, or difficulty sleeping. Whatever the circumstances, these struggles may leave them feeling unlike themselves—less outgoing, less connected, and less emotionally available.

As a partner, your first instinct might be to “fix it.” You might try to find solutions, suggest remedies, or push for changes to help them feel better. But despite your best efforts, their body and mind are adapting at their own pace, and there’s little you can do to speed up the process.

During this time, you might notice a growing sense of distance between you and your partner. Conversations may feel strained, physical affection may decrease, and the connection you’ve built together may feel less strong. It’s natural to feel frustrated or even helpless in this situation, but it’s important to recognize that this isn’t about you—it’s about what they’re going through.

In moments like these, the most meaningful thing you can do is to be present. Show patience and understanding. Rather than trying to “fix” the problem, focus on supporting your partner in ways that make them feel cared for. Maybe that’s sitting quietly with them when they’re feeling unwell, offering to take on extra responsibilities at home, or simply being a calm and steady presence in their life.

Over time, as they begin to feel better, you’ll likely notice that the connection starts to return naturally. It wasn’t about any grand actions or solutions you provided—it was about your consistent support and understanding during their time of need.

Masculinity and leadership thrive on the ability to balance action—fixing it—and support. True strength lies in discerning when to take charge with confidence and when to step back, listen, and offer encouragement. This balance fosters trust, connection, and respect, creating a foundation for authentic and effective leadership.

Lessons Learned

Reflecting on that experience, here’s what could be learned:

1. Be Present: Sometimes, the best thing we can do is simply to be there. Be a steady, calm presence in your partner’s life.

   • Example: When your partner is feeling their worst, simply being nearby—whether that means quietly sitting with them or helping with tasks they can’t manage—can remind them they’re not alone.

   • Example: If your partner is overwhelmed, simply sitting in silence together or holding their hand can provide a sense of reassurance and connection.

2. Support, Don’t Solve: This has proven to be such a challenge for me time and time again. And I am sure that I am not alone, right? It’s not our job to have all the answers or solutions. Some struggles—like health challenges or emotional changes—are deeply personal. Our role is to provide unwavering support. As difficult as it may be to accept, sometimes there isn’t a solution or action that we need to take to make things better again.

   • Example: When your partner is struggling with illness, instead of trying to “fix” it, focus on ensuring they have what they need, like a comfortable space, water, or light snacks. Let them guide what they need without imposing your own ideas.

   • Example: If your partner is emotionally drained, rather than offering solutions, acknowledge their feelings by saying, “I’m here for you, and I understand this is tough.”

3. Patience is Key: When life throws curveballs, it’s easy to feel frustrated or disconnected. But remember, these moments are often temporary. With patience and understanding, the storm will pass.

   • Example: During your partner’s adjustment period, remind yourself daily that this is temporary and that better days will come. Keeping this mindset can help you stay calm and supportive.

   • Example: When faced with challenges, consider journaling or reflecting on the bigger picture. This can help keep your perspective grounded and your patience intact.

4. Self-Reflection: In challenging times, it’s essential to look inward. Are there ways you can adjust your own expectations or responses to better support your partner?

   • Example: Reflect on your frustration and realize it’s not personal. Adjust your expectations for connection to match your partner’s current capacity.

   • Example: If you find yourself reacting emotionally, take a step back and ask, “How can I show up better for them in this moment?”

5. You Are Not a Failure: As masculine men, we often equate our ability to solve problems with success. But not being able to fix every situation doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It means you’re human.

   • Example: When your partner is struggling, remind yourself that their challenges are not a reflection of your ability to lead. Recognizing this can free you from unnecessary guilt.

   • Example: If your partner is facing a challenge that’s out of your control, shift your focus from fixing to supporting. Your value lies in your presence, not your solutions.

Actionable Takeaway:

Here’s something to think about as you head into this week:

Are there areas in your relationship where you’re trying to “fix” something that’s out of your control?

If so, try shifting your focus. Instead of looking for a solution, ask yourself, “How can I be more present? How can I better support my partner in this moment?”

Being a strong, masculine, dominant leader doesn’t mean always having the answers. It means being compassionate, patient, and steadfast. Trust me, your presence and understanding can make all the difference.

Closing:

Thank you for joining me on this week’s episode of the husDOM podcast. Remember, leadership isn’t about control; it’s about connection. If today’s episode resonated with you, share it with someone who might need to hear it. And as always, stay mindful, stay present, and keep growing.

Until next time, take care.