Directing your submissive | Dominant Training

Dominant submissive kissing

One common characteristic among most submissives is that they crave guidance and direction especially in the bedroom.  Until reading this you would probably believe that you were communicating sufficiently to your submissive.  Most vanilla men actually say very little during sex if anything at all and are probably only used to making statements regarding their wife’s attributes.

“You are so beautiful.”   “You have a sexy body.”  “You are so wet.”

Although I encourage complementing your submissive and her attributes this post is not about and has nothing to do with your submissive’s virtues.  Complimenting her attributes is a crucial element in any sexual relationship and the three examples that I gave above certainly wont suffice in a D/s relationship, step it up…  way up!

This is about directing your submissive during sex!

Loving D/s Couple


Submissive woman want to be given direction on what to do during sex.  They want guidance on how to please you as well as what your expectations are of them.  More specific I am going to discuss the simple art of directing your submissive’s body in general during sex, a scene or vanilla with a twist.

“Look into my eyes!”  “Put your arms above your head!”  “Spread your legs for me!”

During the vanilla days LK would do as she pleased with herself with little guidance from me during sex.  If she wanted to place her hands on my back, run her fingers through my hair, or change positions she would simply do it without soliciting me.  One of the first things that changed for me during my journey was my mindset towards her actions during sex.  This was not a willful or deliberate change but rather a natural sentiment.  I no longer wanted her to take any control  in the bedroom.  She had surrendered to me sexually 100%.  I wanted total Dominance and now I expected it!

“Spread your legs and keep your knees apart!”  “Hold still, do not move!”  “Hold on to the headboard and whatever you do, do not let go!”

Little Kaninchen felt the same as I did, she desired for me to be in control, especially in the bedroom.  This behavior change was on both of our parts and was an instinctual reaction to our new roles.  Both of our desires had changed.

Little Kaninchen discontinued any initiative during sex and I wanted her to do only what I instructed of her.

A common issue that arises for new D/s couples is that the submissive no longer has the desire or the liberty to do as she pleases during sex and the Dominant fails to present any input regarding the submissive’s basic posture.  Whether your submissive is doing exactly as you desire or you want her to do or change something you need to clearly communicate that to her.

Dominant flogging submissive

Begin with her limbs, what is she doing with them?  If she is holding onto something already, like the headboard, tell her not to let go of it until instructed to do so.  Give her commands that express what you would like her to do.  The essential component to directing your submissive is that even if, as the Dominant, you don’t have a specific action that you would like from your submissive you need to provide her with direction.  In the past your submissive would not have required this direction during play.  Do not underestimate her need for direction now.

Directing Your Submissive!

This simple task may prove more difficult than it appears.  After you have mastered the concept of directing your submissive try incorporating other elements into your directions.  Include additional elements besides just her limbs.  Direct her eyes, her head, her mouth, her sex, her entire body.

Another goal to work toward when directing your submissive would be to integrate more than one direction into one single command.  Try to limit this to no more than three direction for each command.

“Kneel on the floor, with your arms crossed behind your back and your chin down!”

Measure your growth!  Be sure to properly utilize “Downtime” in order to gather input regarding your progress.  Be sure that you are soliciting the “needs improvement” as well as the kudos from your submissive.  No two relationships are going to be exactly the same.  I have provided you with some wonderful information regarding an often overlooked aspect of a D/s relationship but you, the husDom, will need to fine tune this information to fit your personal dynamic.



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  1. Again…another great post! Thank you for touching on a subject that I struggle with. I agree that it is easier said than done..especially after being vanilla for so long! Thanks again!!

    1. Mr B,

      I understand that you have been under the weather recently… I hope that you feel better soon!

      “Without a struggle, there can be no progress.” – Frederick Douglass

      The key to most challenges is to embrace the struggle and realize that with each struggle you will gain confidence and knowledge and with that, the struggle will be less and less as you progress along your journey.

      Get well soon!

      Mr Fox

  2. I’m with Mr. B, this is definitely something that I’ve had to work on so far. My wife has expressed a number of times that during sex she doesn’t know what to do with her hands and arms. This has given me the opportunity to focus on what she’s doing with her arms and hands not only for me to grow in my Dominance, but also it eases a bit of anxiety for her by giving her specific things to do with her hands. And when that anxiety is taken away from her, she can allow herself to more fully submit and everything is that much better.

    Thanks again for the insightful instruction!

    1. Blaik,

      “My wife has expressed a number of times that during sex she doesn’t know what to do with her hands and arms.”

      Exactly! During vanilla sex she has probably never mentioned this issue to you before. During vanilla sex it probably wasnt an issue…

      With kindest regards,

      Mr Fox

  3. Excellent content and ‘direction’ Mr. Fox.

    As I was reading, I thought to myself, What might be a good method of practice when your bottom/sub is unavailable? My immediate answer was to practice on a female manikin — but then, how easy is it to get hold of one? But perhaps they are easily obtainable online, then kept in the bedroom for your spouse/partner to use as an “outfit for the day” holder. Nevertheless, my point?

    A Master/Dom/Top can refine and perfect his art of “direction” in several different ways then SURPRISE your bottom/sub with new ideas, new direction…yet some or all of it might be based upon that Downtime: the time when roles are equal and communication between each other is wide-open. That time for reflection as well as deeper connection.

    With my last female-bottom, the ‘awkward silence, stares, or movements/non-movements’ were never an issue. Why? Two reasons: (1) she could NEVER not show or not verbalize her want-desire-enjoyment of anything I did or say. Therefore, if I got no response, then after a minute or two I’d clearly know. And (2) she was the most natural sub/bottom I have ever had the pleasure & honor of having/leading. She was like my gorgeous “live manikin” during our scenes 100% of the time.

    Mr. Fox, as you probably know, that when you and your sub/bottom reach that point of trust and understanding (AND safety), then the sky is the limit for your/our twisted perverted imaginations. It would just feed my beast to find how and what would make her ‘sub-space’ fly higher!

    And your quote above from Frederick Douglass, could not be more appropriate here.

    1. Professor Taboo,

      I really like your idea of practicing…

      I also really like your idea of an “outfit of the day holder…”

      And I really do want to fly higher… faster… and further…

      “…downtime… Mr. Fox, as you probably know, that when you and your sub/bottom reach that point of trust and understanding (AND safety), then the sky is the limit for your/our twisted perverted imaginations.”

      So in other words… D/s is about trust and understanding through communication…

      This formula could probably be utilized in any style relationship!

      Wishing you only the best,

      Mr Fox

      1. “So… this formula could probably be utilized in any style relationship!”

        Mr. Fox, indeed. Unequivocally it can and should be utilized!

        I just finished commenting on another blog I follow where the topic was “Weaponized Sex”… i.e. Sex used as an ultimatum to get what one wants. In the context of the post, the author was referring primarily to women weaponizing sex, historically going back throughout history within a Patriarchal society. Men, particularly Doms/Tops can do the same thing — and often that is the case, particularly if there is never any “Downtime”.

        But the point I want to make here relative to your response, is that in reality a relationship, a romantic, a friendship, a D/s or Top/bottom, a vanilla monogamous one, are all only as strong as the weakest 1/8th of the whole. The four primary supports of the circle/arch (an engineering metaphor), in other words the whole relationship, are 1/4th Mental, 1/4th Emotional, 1/4th Physical, and 1/4th Spiritual. There are 16-eighths that make up the fourths AND the whole. Make sense?

        The integrity and health of the whole circle/arch depends on each eighth being balanced, stable & strong. Otherwise, the whole sooner or later collapses. In BDSM, Downtime, well-planned scenes, your bottom’s/sub’s 4 dynamic aspects, yours and her’s/his communicated wants and fantasies — all within safety concerns — are no different!

        So when you mentioned these things can/should be utilized in any relationship? Holy Mother of Perversion…you speak a TON of pure gold my friend!

  4. My little Easy loves to be “handled” in the bedroom. Early in our experimentation with Dom/Sub scene play, I found that it was sometimes hard to stay in character and order, boss, force her to obey for her Sir. Many years, I guess, of marriage, kids and vanilla, mutual respect and admiration-based living/loving. Nonetheless, I liked when she was blindfolded because it sort of set me free to play without being observed, judged or evaluated (mostly by myself). I think the blindfold sort of closed our eyes to who we were and allowed us to play.

    Easy’s Sir

    1. Easy’s Sir,

      Excellent suggestion!

      The blindfold allows that element of anonymity and provides you with the security of not having all eyes on you, so to speak…

      Kindest regards,

      Mr Fox

  5. Great read, and best of all it works. It’s very easy to stay quiet and enjoy her moans and cries with the occasional compliment thrown in. That and my internal monologue is so noisy my mouth can’t get many words in. So tonight I decided to focus. Her manicure is fresh, and I know she loves when I appreciate it, so with every new position she took, I made sure to direct her hands to be where I could appreciate her nails. “Lace your fingers behind your head.” “Palms down on the mattress.” etc. I’m not much of a director, but using that as a focus gave me something simple to start with that flowed into much more. Whether she realized it or not, the effect was clear. She went deeper into subspace and had more orgasms than any other short scene we have done in a long time. Thanks for the great advice!


    1. Rocky,

      Thank you for the feedback regarding your personal experience. Looking back at my journey I would say that most of my actions throughout our vanilla relationship have been close to desired but without doubt it is the finer details that have the most dramatic effects.

      Best wishes,

      Mr Fox

  6. Truly had no idea this was required in my relationship… that having a sub as a wife requires more direction and leadership….and not in a demeaning or bossy way (as I had imagined). Rather it is the directions and control of the Dom that allows my sub wife to actually let go and fall into what she really wants and needs. And yet at the same time I remember being frustrated because I wanted to say more, demand more, but was afraid to do so. Ignorance is certainly not bliss.

  7. Mr. Fox,
    “D/s is about trust and understanding through communication…” …absolutely spot on! Excellent information and insight!

  8. Mr. Fox

    Another great post. I would put this in your top 10 blogs for sure. Something every new Dom should read.

    With thanks,

    Mr. K

    1. Mr K

      Thank you for the kind words…

      Communication is vital to any successful relationship. This was a good read for someone like myself as well as the new husdom.

      Thank you for your comment, it lead to me reading the post again today, a great reminder.

      Best wishes

      Mr Fox

  9. This is the first time i have read this. What a great read it was. Very direct and clear information. This is most helpful. Thank you Mr Fox.

  10. Mr. Fox,
    Thank you for the well thought out article. I found your site a few days ago and found your marriage situation very familiar.

    Mr. Saunders

    1. MR>Saunders,

      Welcome to husDOM!

      It is my pleasure sir. You will find that my personal situation has resonated with most of the members here in one way or another. You may find many similarities to much of the membership.

      Best wishes

      Mr Fox

    1. Risk,

      Thank you for your comment… I had actually forgotten all about writing this post. But you are correct it was one of the first realizations that I had made during my journey. It was actually realized by communicating with lk. It became apparent that the status quo of the past was no longer going to be sufficient for our new journey.

      I used to be of the belief that if what she was doing with her arms or legs etc… was satisfactory for me in the moment, that I didn’t have to direct her to do so. I later found out, through, downtime, that she was always left wondering if what she was doing was appropriate. This little bit of unsureness took just a little bit of her focus off of the moment. She was a little in her own mind making her not fully in the scene.

      By giving lk simple commands throughout the scene, it removed any insecurities she had whether or not she was pleasing me…

      Best wishes

      Mr Fox

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