submissive Expectations | D/s Mentoring Advice

Submissive Expectations

The title may appear to be an oxymoron and in fact it may be.  However, it does not change the fact that ALL submissive’s have expectations of some sort whether they are justified or not…

“My husband and I are trying to get our D/s relationship off the ground and we are really struggling. He says he wants this dynamic in our relationship but then doesn’t DO anything that follows up what he says. ” 

While developing a D/s relationship both parties commit to take certain roles within the Dominance and submission dynamic, hopefully one party wants to be a Dominant and the other desires to be the submissive.  There can be several designations to each member but in my opinion if you do not have one Dominant and one submissive your dynamic would fall under a different BDSM genre.

As both parties begin to discuss what they desire in the new relationship it could be said that the submissive appears to carry most of the weight in regard to day-to-day responsibilities within the dynamic and that the Dominant carries the leadership role and associated responsibilities.  This perception may originate because the submissive is responsible for compliance with the rules, rituals and protocols.  The frequency of many of these responsibilities are generally daily.

submissive Expectations



I will be so bold as to make the statement again, “ALL submissive’s have expectations.”  Submissive’s don’t have the right to have expectations you say.  A submissive isn’t being submissive if she has expectations.  How did such an unruly and rebellious submissive develop expectations?

You gave them to her as her Dominant!

While developing the general guidelines, rules, rituals and protocols of your relationship you made clear what your expectations of your submissive were.  Even if you did not specifically outline your responsibilities as the Dominant within the relationship your responsibilities are implied.  Yes, you, the Dominant, have responsibilities as well.  Your implied acceptance of your responsibilities have given your submissive the “expectation” that you are going to make every effort to act accordingly, thus giving her expectations.

As the leader adherence to your responsibilities is paramount.  As a subordinate you have someone else that is in a higher ranking position that will or should hold you accountable to noncompliance to the rules or procedures.  As the leader you need to monitor your own actions and ensure that you are acting accordingly.  Whether you monitor or take responsibility for your own actions or performance as a leader your subordinates or submissive certainly will.

 “I feel like I am towing the line which is fine for a time but gets old pretty quickly.”

A submissive is not playing or acting submissive, it is a real mindset.  You may not understand why they feel this way.  Maybe it is difficult for us to comprehend because we are Dominants by nature and it is difficult to relate to that type of mindset.  Regardless if you understand the mindset or not you need to understand how to feed and nurture their minds.

One of the most often overlooked frustrations that burden submissive’s is when a Dominant develops rules for his submissive and then doesn’t follow up on them.  The submissive wants to please her Dominant and concentrates on the given rules throughout the entire day.  The submissive makes every effort to excel at the task and do an excellent job everyday.

I often caution Dominants that when developing rules for their submissives they need to ensure that the rule that they choose to implement has a special meaning to them and not to develop rules for the sole purpose of displaying control over the submissive.  It is the Dominant’s responsibility to monitor the rules that he has assigned to his submissive.  If the submissive is performing the task to your satisfaction be sure to let her know that you recognize her effort and performance.  By giving praise you are not only patting your submissive on the back and telling her that she has done well but you are also communicating to her that the task that has become important to her, it’s importance to her is only due to it being important to you, is in fact more than busy work and that it does have real meaning to you.  This acknowledgment of her deeds feeds her submissive nature.

Praise does not have to come every time your submissive does as you expect of her but it should come often, and definitely more often than not.

When praise is frequently neglected many submissive’s will “test” their Dominants and not comply with their rules intentionally.  The submissive is testing to see if the dynamic is important to their Dominant; they are testing to see if their Dominant will even take notice of their infractions.  Yes, testing your Dominant is absolutely wrong and not good submissive behavior, however that does not prevent it from happening.

If after being “tested” by the submissive, the Dominant fails to realize that his submissive isn’t performing her tasks as he requested she begins to doubt their entire D/s relationship.  That’s right!  The entire D/s dynamic is now in jeopardy

She doesn’t necessarily consider what is happening with the kids or at work or with financial obligations she wonders where her leader is.  I am not suggesting that this fear is warranted or justified but I am saying that it is common place among new D/s-M relationships and who is to blame?  Just one person…

The Dominant, the leader…

Your submissive has made you number one in her life, do the same with her!  She has earned it!

“Besides getting him to read you blog, which is great btw, anything else I can do get this going besides be as submissive as I can without any direction from him?”

The submissive should bring up her concern to her Dominant in downtime and not begin to misbehave to test her Dominant.  Unfortunately, we do not live in a perfect world and humans are fallible, right or wrong this behavior happens frequently and almost always brings with it unpleasant results.



Every D/s dynamic is different and I clearly write from my own particular point of view and experience.  I’m not suggesting that my way is the only way I am merely giving other husDOM’s my perspective on the lifestyle.  Communicate regarding particular issues that lead you to begin to doubt his commitment to the lifestyle.  Frequent downtime is something that I have created for LK and myself as a ritual.  If the two of you utilize such a time to communicate openly and freely then you may want to address these concerns during downtime.  A word of caution would be to select your words and tone that you deliver your concern carefully.  We conduct our downtime with me in my chair and LK with her head in my lap.  Her submissive posture creates the proper mindset for communication and my posture allows me to listen without the temptation of being defensive.

Like in most relationships, vanilla or D/s, most issues can be resolved with proper communication.

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