Submissive Expectations

The title may appear to be an oxymoron and in fact it may be.  However, it does not change the fact that ALL submissive’s have expectations of some sort whether they are justified or not…


“My husband and I are trying to get our D/s relationship off the ground and we are really struggling. He says he wants this dynamic in our relationship but then doesn’t DO anything that follows up what he says. ” 

While developing a D/s relationship both parties commit to take certain roles within the Dominance and submission dynamic, hopefully one party wants to be a Dominant and the other desires to be the submissive.  There can be several designations to each member but in my opinion if you do not have one Dominant and one submissive your dynamic would fall under a different BDSM genre.

As both parties begin to discuss what they desire in the new relationship it could be said that the submissive appears to carry most of the weight in regard to day-to-day responsibilities within the dynamic and that the Dominant carries the leadership role and associated responsibilities.  This perception may originate because the submissive is responsible for compliance with the rules, rituals and protocols.  The frequency of many of these responsibilities are generally daily.

submissive Expectations

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I will be so bold as to make the statement again, “ALL submissive’s have expectations.”  Submissive’s don’t have the right to have expectations you say.  A submissive isn’t being submissive if she has expectations.  How did such an unruly and rebellious submissive develop expectations?

You gave them to her as her Dominant!

While developing the general guidelines, rules, rituals and protocols of your relationship you made clear what your expectations of your submissive were.  Even if you did not specifically outline your responsibilities as the Dominant within the relationship your responsibilities are implied.  Yes, you, the Dominant, have responsibilities as well.  Your implied acceptance of your responsibilities have given your submissive the “expectation” that you are going to make every effort to act accordingly, thus giving her expectations.

As the leader adherence to your responsibilities is paramount.  As a subordinate you have someone else that is in a higher ranking position that will or should hold you accountable to noncompliance to the rules or procedures.  As the leader you need to monitor your own actions and ensure that you are acting accordingly.  Whether you monitor or take responsibility for your own actions or performance as a leader your subordinates or submissive certainly will.

 “I feel like I am towing the line which is fine for a time but gets old pretty quickly.”

A submissive is not playing or acting submissive, it is a real mindset.  You may not understand why they feel this way.  Maybe it is difficult for us to comprehend because we are Dominants by nature and it is difficult to relate to that type of mindset.  Regardless if you understand the mindset or not you need to understand how to feed and nurture their minds.

One of the most often overlooked frustrations that burden submissive’s is when a Dominant develops rules for his submissive and then doesn’t follow up on them.  The submissive wants to please her Dominant and concentrates on the given rules throughout the entire day.  The submissive makes every effort to excel at the task and do an excellent job everyday.

I often caution Dominants that when developing rules for their submissives they need to ensure that the rule that they choose to implement has a special meaning to them and not to develop rules for the sole purpose of displaying control over the submissive.  It is the Dominant’s responsibility to monitor the rules that he has assigned to his submissive.  If the submissive is performing the task to your satisfaction be sure to let her know that you recognize her effort and performance.  By giving praise you are not only patting your submissive on the back and telling her that she has done well but you are also communicating to her that the task that has become important to her, it’s importance to her is only due to it being important to you, is in fact more than busy work and that it does have real meaning to you.  This acknowledgment of her deeds feeds her submissive nature.

Praise does not have to come every time your submissive does as you expect of her but it should come often, and definitely more often than not.

When praise is frequently neglected many submissive’s will “test” their Dominants and not comply with their rules intentionally.  The submissive is testing to see if the dynamic is important to their Dominant; they are testing to see if their Dominant will even take notice of their infractions.  Yes, testing your Dominant is absolutely wrong and not good submissive behavior, however that does not prevent it from happening.

If after being “tested” by the submissive, the Dominant fails to realize that his submissive isn’t performing her tasks as he requested she begins to doubt their entire D/s relationship.  That’s right!  The entire D/s dynamic is now in jeopardy

She doesn’t necessarily consider what is happening with the kids or at work or with financial obligations she wonders where her leader is.  I am not suggesting that this fear is warranted or justified but I am saying that it is common place among new D/s-M relationships and who is to blame?  Just one person…

The Dominant, the leader…

Your submissive has made you number one in her life, do the same with her!  She has earned it!

“Besides getting him to read you blog, which is great btw, anything else I can do get this going besides be as submissive as I can without any direction from him?”

The submissive should bring up her concern to her Dominant in downtime and not begin to misbehave to test her Dominant.  Unfortunately, we do not live in a perfect world and humans are fallible, right or wrong this behavior happens frequently and almost always brings with it unpleasant results.

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Every D/s dynamic is different and I clearly write from my own particular point of view and experience.  I’m not suggesting that my way is the only way I am merely giving other husDOM’s my perspective on the lifestyle.  Communicate regarding particular issues that lead you to begin to doubt his commitment to the lifestyle.  Frequent downtime is something that I have created for LK and myself as a ritual.  If the two of you utilize such a time to communicate openly and freely then you may want to address these concerns during downtime.  A word of caution would be to select your words and tone that you deliver your concern carefully.  We conduct our downtime with me in my chair and LK with her head in my lap.  Her submissive posture creates the proper mindset for communication and my posture allows me to listen without the temptation of being defensive.

Like in most relationships, vanilla or D/s, most issues can be resolved with proper communication.

Check out our new Dominant Forum and community, Fox’s Den as well as the Membership Levels

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10 Comments
  1. Mr. B 6 years ago

    Another fine post Mr. Fox! I totally relate to all that was written. As we have discussed before, there are times when I feel like I have not done enough to prove my commitment to my Sweetness and this lifestyle. Vanilla life has a tendency to creep in when I get home from work and try to unwind. It is those moments that I feel it is not enough. I would like to think that it is normal to feel this way but I just don’t want to screw it up!
    Thank you for pointing out that we as Doms need to give praise when our submissives follow the rules….I probably have not given enough praise but yet I will be the first to let her know when she has broken a rule. I will change that immediately!
    Downtime has definitely helped our communication. We never really had bad communication but it has improved! We just need to set up a ritual for downtime like yourself and LK. We will get there.
    Well thank you again for sharing your priceless knowledge!
    Take Care!
    Mr. B

    • Author

      Mr B,

      “vanilla life has a tendency to creep in”

      Exactly… And when vanilla does creep in, your submissive will feel as though something catastrophic is happening to your dynamic. As the Dominant and the leader you need to be cognizant of this phenomena and proactively work to assure her that you are in fact engaged.

      Much of a successful D/s relationship is in the details…

      Kindest regards,

      Mr Fox

  2. Blaik 6 years ago

    Expectations….it all comes back to consistency for me.

    Mr. Fox, I swear if I didn’t know better you were observing my wife and I and writing blog pieces based on your observations! Another timely and spot on posting for sure.

    Part of our problem is that we’ve been stalling waiting for this elusive ‘perfect time’ to finalize our power exchange, and thanks to weather and the holidays the time we’ve planned ahead for has been denied us a couple times now. And until it happens, I feel my wife isn’t fully willing to fully slip into that submissive role. I find her doing things that we’d agreed would no longer be hers to do, etc. But what really brought it home was just a couple nights ago. She came to me during our downtime and told me she was afraid this just wasn’t going to work out, that she didn’t feel I was meeting her expectations(she didn’t say that, but that was the reality of it), and it left her feeling insecure and uncertain, which leads her to try and control things to prevent feeling that way, which leads her to resenting me and we start slipping back to where we were. And it boils down to me not being consistent with her(and the kids) that sends her down that path.

    Food for thought, and fuel for action for sure. There will never be a ‘perfect time’. I need to take the reins and make it happen, or we will surely falter and flounder.

    Thank you again.

    • Author

      Blaik,

      Your observation and self analysis of it is paramount of importance…

      Everyone should read the last two sentences of your second paragraph again…

      This is one of the most common issues within new D/s dynamics. Downtime is a crucial form of communication and has proven to be the catalyst that surfaced this invaluable information. Now be the husDOM that you want to be and act on it accordingly…

      Kindest regards,

      Mr Fox

  3. Buck/AMB 6 years ago

    Mr. Fox,

    Great post, as always. I guess I thought my LW would have expectations because she was my sub and not my slave. I know in the BDSM culture there are many different realms of D/s and I and LW decided the Dominant submissive was the one for us.

    Downtime…..for us one of the most important aspects of our D/s relationship. I have LW kneeling at my feet and she has the right to speak freely, but respectfully. The only thing I ask is that she speaks honestly, not what she thinks I want to hear. It is during this time I may ask her if she is getting what she needs form our relationship and the scene, if that is what we have done sometime previously.

    Aftercare from a scene for us is also important. LW expects me to bring her down and keep her safe emotionally and physically during this time. As a husband I didn’t realize how much this meant to a woman. We didn’t have the “scenes” then just great sex, but now with being D/s it’s more involved, stronger and greater.

    I think expectations are there we just have to notice them, and with Blogs like this you Mr. Fox are helping us to be aware of them.

    Buck

    • Author

      Buck,

      I am humbled every time that I see “downtime” mentioned on the internet. I agree it is one of the most important aspects to a healthy and growing D/s-M relationship. I also like the way that summarized what downtime is and what your expectations are during it.

      “I think expectations are there we just have to notice them.”

      I couldnt agree more…

      Best wishes,

      Mr Fox

  4. Jason 6 years ago

    This is a great post, I think it applies to most D/s relationships at one time or another. Life can be busy, but we need to find a way to carve out some time for each other and show them how important their submission is to us. With 3 teenagers running around our house it is not always easy for my Eve and I to do. It’s not my first choice, but I have found even communicating by texting or emailing each other can help. When the house is moving 100 miles an hour dealing with day to day problems, sometimes easy has to do and can be very effective.
    Have fun, Always,
    Jason

    • Blaik 6 years ago

      Jason,

      We have a 12 yr old and a 9 yr old, and we’re in a small house. And factor in I have a bit of a rumble to my voice so even whispers carry, and texting and emails have fast become the best way to communicate our little back and forths without ‘grossing the kids out’ and ruining the moment for us. Of course it adds a bit to it when I text her and tell her what I want to do to her or what I want her to do to me right then when we’re sitting there with the kids. Or when she’s making a meal and I come up behind her, rub her shoulders for a second then grasp her hair and pull her head back to kiss her. I like that because it’s a quick display of Dominance that leaves her wanting more, but does give her a little nourishment without being a drawn out ritual/protocol.

  5. wolf183 5 years ago

    I know this is an older post but it is new to me. I just joined your site a few days ago. I have read much of what you have posted. While my wife and I have always had great communication , I find the idea of downtime a great way to ensure we continue to communicate effectively and hope it will even enhance our ability to communicate. Since the the time I joined your site we have agreed to move to a 24/7 relationship. The first thing i implemented was downtime. I have many fears in regards to fulfilling my submissive’s expectations of me. I hope downtime will help remind me of when I am lacing in my responsibilities to my wife.

  6. Author

    Wolf183,

    Welcome to husDOM!

    Communication is key in any relationship…

    Most new Dominants agree that the open and honest communication is the best attribute of a D/s-M relationship. Without experiencing this for myself I would not have understood this comment.

    Best wishes,

    Mr. Fox

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