D/s Dynamic | Dam or Damning Your D/s

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D/s Dynamic | Do Not Dam Your D/s

What do you do when you have envisioned a certain situation or scenario as the Dominant and your submissive does not behave or react in the manner that you had envisioned?



Before entering the shower you lay your submissive’s butt plug on the desk in front of her as she is typing on her computer.  No spoken words are necessary to explain your wishes and nor do you attach any words to your actions.

After exiting the shower you see your submissive jump up and run over to insert her butt plug to satisfy your unspoken instructions.

Instantly, you feel as though your submissive has not granted you her proper attention.  She has been chatting on the subMrs community to other submissives and has not tended to your wishes.

You call your submissive into the bathroom and ask her to produce the butt plug…  She reaches her hand out and forfeits the butt plug as per your request.  You take the butt plug and place it in the upper drawer of your vanity and begin to fix your hair without a word spoken.

What have you just done?

Many husDOM’s may feel as though they have just taught their submissive a valuable lesson, the lesson being that if she wants your attention then she needs to provide you with her undivided attention.

Many submissives, however, may feel as though you have just shut them out completely, that you have just erected a dam in the stream of your D/s-M.

By placing the butt plug in the vanity drawer and proceeding as though nothing at all had taken place you actually stopped the D/s dynamic completely.

Think of your D/s dynamic as if it were a flowing river.  As the river approaches an obstacle in it’s path, the river or your D/s BOATTIEDINWATERSSPIOPT44dynamic will need to become flexible in order to continue to flow around the obstacle.  This flexibility or minor direction change will allow the river to continue to flow.  As the river changes course and begins to flow in a slightly different direction keep in mind that it is still continuing to flow.

If you were to take an action that dams the river or stops it’s flow altogether you have essentially stopped your D/s dynamic or dammed your D/s.  You have eliminated the opportunity to continue the flow and try to re-direct the water flow in a more desired direction.

Flexibility to keep the D/s-M Flowing.

After exiting the shower you see your submissive jump up and run over to insert her butt plug to satisfy your unspoken instructions. 

Instantly, you feel as though your submissive has not granted you her proper attention.  She has been chatting on Little Kaninchen’s blog to other submissives and has not tended to your wishes.

You call your submissive into the bathroom and ask her to produce the butt plug…  She reaches her hand out and forfeits the butt plug as per your request…

You take the butt plug from your submissive’s hand and look your submissive in her eyes and ask her why she didn’t insert the butt plug as you wished.

After carefully listening to her response, you pause for a moment and extend your hand offering the butt plug and instructing her to insert the butt plug.  You may continue by telling her that you are displeased and that she is going to wear the butt plug during the evening for her indiscretion.  Explain to her that her punishment will be the aching of her desire to be used by you.  The anal plug will add a nice pleasurable ache as well as a reminder to be more aware of you and your desires.  

After this scenario the D/s river continues to flow.  It may not be flowing exactly how you had envisioned it would flow when you first stepped into the shower but it is flowing in a healthy D/s direction none the less.

Veterans Beware

As Dominants begin to develop their own brand of D/s-M or when their training wheels come off, they tend to lose much of the flexibility that they once possessed when they were newer to the scene.  Their expectations of their submissive continue to grow and they are less willing to allow the river to get off course.  This rigid behavior is in essence creating a dam in their D/s river and bringing the entire D/s dynamic to a halt.

It was the submissive’s responsibility to please her Dominant but remember that it is the Dominant’s responsibility to keep the D/s dynamic river flowing.





D/s Dynamic | Do Not Dam Your D/s

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  1. Mr. Fox,

    Another great post! I never really thought about it that way..great insight! I think I must have dammed it up a few times. No more Dam for this Dom! Thank you for sharing and for the wonderful insight.

    As always, I look forward to future posts!

    Thanks again!

    Take Care!

    Mr. B

  2. Mr Fox,

    Such a great analogy! I know I have many obstacle to face and this will definitely help me figure them out. Thank you for sharing your wisDom!

    Master Khal

  3. Very good advice, it can be difficult not to shut down and become frustrated when it seems your instructions are not followed as you wanted. I have to think of it in the terms of me keeping the river flowing and not let my pride dam them up.
    Always have fun,

  4. WOW! I needed that…. I have done this countless times and I am not and have not been happy with myself on this. So as with everything in my life I will do a better job at leading myself and my love.

  5. Mr Fox,

    Nice post. Weird how this whole communication thing keeps coming up as a key to making the lifestyle work.

    Best Regards,
    Mr Stone

  6. Mr. Fox,

    Excellent insight sir. For me when my sub would not do as desired it continued to shake my confidence in our dynamic. In way each of these is a test to see how you will lead.

    Loving Liege

  7. Mr Fox,

    As said by others, very nice post and insightful. The open lines of communication must flow freely at all times.

    Looking forward to more,

  8. Mr. Fox,
    I am new here, and have just recently discovered the Dom side of things, so please forgive my ignorance. I’m trying to learn… 🙂

    I think good communication is key to a D/s relationship. While placing the plug on the desk says He wants it in her, He didn’t say when and it was just implied NOW, but wasn’t a HARD NOW. He was testing her, and his test failed. Wouldn’t it be better to place the plug on the desk, and issue a command, “Now?”

    One last question, why deny himself the pleasure of sex just because she failed to pass a test? Why not tell her, “you wont get to cum tonight.” Then he could have a tease and deny session with her, and orders NOT to cum. Then He can have sex with her and he is satisfiied while she is not.


    1. D,

      My apologies for allowing the question in your comment to go unattended.

      At my particular junction in my personal journey it is not necessary for me to explain me expectations in that much detail to my lk… My expectations were very clear… Her unmistakeable understanding of my expectations were confirmed by her jumping up to complete the unspoken task as I exited the shower.

      As to how you or another Dominant would choose to handle your own submissive’s digression in this particular circumstance would clearly be up to you or them. What you do as the Dominant to punish your submissive is clearly up to you. Yes! Sex with orgasm denial could be an option.

      In this case however, and my personal preference for my lk…

      First, lk enjoys wearing her butt plug for me. It arouses her and creates a hunger inside of her. After wearing it for some time however, it may become more of a chore than a pleasure. Her personal hunger will never be satisfied…

      Finally, lk gets her pleasure from my pleasure… seriously… As I do from hers as well… It would have pleased my lk to satisfy me without pleasing herself. That is true submission and what I refer to as the D/s circle.

      lk expects and enjoys it when I use her as my tool and for my pleasure. lk would be fed by my pleasure while using her. Dominance and submission is so much more than the Dominant simply having his way with his submissive. A D/s dynamic is a circle of each partner feeding the other partner. Your actions should be with your submissive in mind and hers should be with your in mind.

      Best wishes,

      Mr Fox

  9. I think this should be a must read for anyone even looking into the d/s lifestyle! It has come back up to my mind a few times and it always helps me to stay the course. My sweetness would probably agree about how important this simple truth is.

  10. This was a great read and I loved the word play. We haven’t used the plug outside of scenes, but I’d be interested in having panda wear it occasionally outside of the bedroom. I’ll look into a bit more training and see how it plays out.

  11. Mr. Fox,

    Certain blog posts should be highlighted for new members and this is one of them. Another top 10. Being “aloof” comes from a place of insecurity. A good Dom leads by being direct.

    Thanks again,

    Mr. K

  12. Mr. Fox,
    Recently, you and I talked about how re-reading the same thing at different points in one’s journey can speak to you in a completely different way than when you first read it. With the struggles over the past year, I have found myself going back to find the “more” in what I have previously read.
    I think that one of my failures over the past year, is not so much allowing the dams to form, but that I have allowed our river to become so cluttered with debris, that the flow might still be there but the water is choppy and constantly bumping into obstacles. I should have cleaned them up when they first appeared.
    I realize that by allowing V her space, I also in some way took away my support, strength and guidance.
    I don’t think that this was your point, but this was the hidden lesson I found today re-reading this post.
    Thank you,
    Mr. Cain

  13. Mr Cain,

    You are correct in that the lesson that you have learned after rereading this post was not the initial intention of the post.

    However, it does offer credence to our previous discussion regarding what people get out of reading the blog posts and how as they read them again they often ‘see’ more or completely other lessons within them. I believe that happens because most of us relate our current situations to what we are reading. Since our current situations are always changing so is the meaning of the post itself.

    I like your analogy of your river being cluttered with debris and that debris creating choppy water.

    “I realize that by allowing V her space, I also in some way took away my support, strength and guidance.”

    This tidbit of wisDOM should be the quote of the week and a lesson to everyone including myself.

    Best wises,

    Mr Fox

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