Moving Past submissive Nerves | Dominant wisDOM
Moving Past submissive Nerves:
Recently, I received this communication from a member that was requesting my perspective on his particular situation. While reading the message I determined that there is a lesson here for all Dominants, regarding moving past submissive nerves.
I asked my LK to add her thoughts on this situation so to give us another perspective, the submissive perspective.
I obtained the members permission to discuss his message.
Original Member’s Message
Mr. Fox,I hope this email finds you well. Things here seem to be going great, however last night went a little off.“I had planned a heavy play session, which is mostly what we do right now, and she was very excited. But, as the night progressed she was getting to feeling worse and worse. Being concerned, I asked if she was ok, and if she needed the night off. I have been getting what I want, so a night off was no big deal. She kept saying she was fine.”“As we were preparing she asked if it was ok to just go to sleep. I was expecting this, as she was heading downhill. “ok”, I said, but my face and tone of voice said otherwise.I got into bed as she was checking on our little boy, and she came in crying.I asked why, and she said becsuse I was pissed. Now here’s the revelation…..in the past she would have gotten pissed back.” (**This is your clue that this is nerves and her crying not wanting to disappoint you. She is scared.)“I pulled her to me, with her head in my chest (her submissive position) and explained that I was upset over the last minute change, nothing more. I let her settle down.We then started to watch tv. She said she doesn’t want me to be mad at her.I looked at her and said, “You really ARE giving all of yourself to me, aren’t you?” She proceeded to cry again. I held her again, saying, “my arms are your comfort, and your strength, don’t fight it, you can let go with me.” She said she was going to keep crying if I keep being so sweet and strong.”(** Sweet and strong is a good thing, but try to get her talking and relaxing and move forward with your scene.)“I apologize if I rambled a bit. Do you think I handled it ok? How do I build on this?Keep in mind, we haven’t added rules and punishments yet.”“Anonymous Member”
Through the Eyes of a Dominant.
“Being concerned, I asked if she was ok, and if she needed the night off. I have been getting what I want, so a night off was no big deal. She kept saying she was fine.”-Member
What you eventually want to be able to do as a Dominant is to be able to read the situation and make the right decisions, without asking. Yes, if in doubt you should always ask to get clarity but in your email you basically said that you viewed her going downhill all day. “asking” her if she needed the night off diminishes the dominance that she desires.
with Mr. Fox and Little Kaninchen
If it wasnt important to you, ‘not a big deal’ as you put it, then maybe you could have assured her that you were very pleased with her behavior of the past few days. That you could tell that she was beginning to wear down and that you were going to give her the evening off to recover. Furthermore, would also add that this decision was based on your plan to ravish her another evening.
OR
You could have taken her quickly and told her that you were aware that she wasnt well but you needed to take her to satisfy your own needs… This can can actually feed her as a submissive under certain circumstances. You would have to evaluate if this solution fit into your particular dynamic and if it would be an appropriate time.
Consequently, you gave her the choice, essentially handing all of the power back to her because she was ill… Leadership is about making decisions. That small detail is what submissives desire, making decisions. If you are unsure, ask questions to obtain more information in order for you to make a wise decision. Do not ask her to make the decision. When you make a decision how to move forward, she will feel and observe your Dominance, raising her faith in your role. You are assuring her when a fear rises, being new to D/s-M, she will be taken care of and safe to let go with you. You will be spurring her to get past that moment and moving forward in your planned scene.
Best wishes,
Mr Fox
submissive Perspective: Little Kaninchen**
First, was it illness or was it a case of “new submissive nerves”? A lot of times it is just nerves. You can get past the nerves. The real illness is something else.
Nerves can be conquered. I share with my submissives, to try to talk about the scene beforehand, even at dinner or before. This knowledge you share can make her feel more a part and not just in the dark and in fear of what will happen to her.
Many times try to have scenes early in day or make sure your sub gets a nap in so she feels fresh and mentally strong for whats to come. Many times a lot of the battle happens in the mind of submissive. If you see her nerves, offer to give her a rub-down first. 
You mention your tone and face. Knowing disappointment can be hard not to show, you have to keep from taking things personal. Your submissive will have to take a night off here and there, acknowledge that because life happens. Saying that, I mention all the time that you have to take the wife out of the submissive, in your mind. Think, she is your tool to use and this is an arrangement where she submits to you for a scene. If you’re disappointed just voice it to her openly but with no anger or hostility. If you receive her news as an accepting and professional Dominant then she will feel free to get past those nerves. She will communicate what she is feeling in most cases. You will regain the control of the scene.
Moving Past submissive Nerves
**Being there myself a few times in the beginning, I can give an example on how to move forward in the above example.
“I held her again, saying, “my arms are your comfort, and your strength, don’t fight it, you can let go with me.” She said she was going to keep crying if I keep being so sweet and strong.”-Member
This is great you are communicating with her. At this point you have to talk more, ask her to get up go to your chair and have her sit in your lap. You have to bring the formality here to demonstrate that you both are in a role as Dominant and sub. Then start asking her why she has cried. Ask her if this was caused by nerves. IF she says yes, then ask her if she can move forward. Remind her that she has her “safe word”. After asking and getting a feel for where she is mentally, stand, and then instruct her to lay down and that you are going to give her a back rub. Get her to relax under your hands. As you rub her ask her to give you a number between 1-10, to correlate to where she is at relaxing. This will tell you when to make a move pushing forward to your scene.
Take control, she is yours and you can get past her nerves.” Have your sub and eat her too!” Good Luck! LK
Open your door, take those steps to move past the nerves during a scene.
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