Disagreement in a D/s-M Lifestyle

 Husband to Dominant

A few weeks ago Little Kaninchen and myself had an D/s-M Lifestyle disagreement so to speak. At least in our vanilla days it would have been an argument. I had said something to her that was condescending and I said it in a condescending manner. I didn’t realize that I was doing so but I was. She finally got disgusted with me and lashed out. My vanilla self would have been up for the fight. I would have jumped right in to prove to her that I was correct. That I was superior… In actuality I would have been fighting for dominance.

Her outburst did in fact upset me. The situation also left me wondering what to do, after all I am the dominant. And as her dominant I am the leader. The one looked upon in times of turmoil to have knowledge and to do the right thing, make the correct decision and to be consistent.

Disagreement in a D/s-M Lifestyle | husDOM.com, D/s-M Lifestyle

As a dominant I didn’t need to fight for my dominance… Little Kaninchen had given that to me long ago. This left me in a much calmer situation. A situation where I could calmly decide my course of action. Needless to say, we did not fight. No ill words were exchanged. I explained to her that I would require more respect from her than I was currently receiving. She again shot back a vanilla quip trying to provoke me into an argument and once again she received no such response. It was late in the evening when this situation occurred so there wasn’t a lot of time for our frustration to grow. We simply went to bed without discussing it. (A major mistake that any married person can attest to.)

The next morning we both laid in bed in each others arms and discussed what had happened the evening prior.

She curled up in my arms and said that she felt as though we were broken. She couldn’t stand the vanilla way in which I was treating her. She felt as though our D/s relationship was in jeopardy.
I apologized for my condescending behavior toward her the night before. I explained that we were not broken, that I was punishing her for her behavior. In hindsight, I should have made it clear the evening prior, before we went to bed, that I was indeed punishing her and what the punishment was. By not doing so I created a scenario in which she felt that are D/s was broken.

Her punishment was that she did not wear her cuffs to bed the night prior, nor did she ask. And that the next day we would not have sex, even though I just got back in town and our children were in school. And I would not refer to her as Little Kaninchen.

Basically the punishment was a completely vanilla day, 24 hours from the infraction.

HusDom

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Disagreement in a D/s-M Lifestyle | Husband to Dominant

10 Comments
  1. thedreamingsub 6 years ago

    And what about you? You were wrong for being condescending.

  2. HusDom 6 years ago

    “I apologized for my condescending behavior toward her the night before.”

    Absolutely, I was wrong! I recognized it, apologized for it and learned from it.

    In our vanilla days I’m not sure that would have happened.

    HusDom

  3. Brenda 6 years ago

    Late to the party here but while you did apologize, you didn’t do so til the following day. And your response to her being mad was to respond that she wasn’t being respectful which, of course, didn’t go over well. I… Simply don’t see how the Dom can punish the submissive when he was the one in the wrong. Even if you do punish for the disrespect thing, you punished her and provoked further disrespect before apologizing. :/

    • HusDom 6 years ago

      Brenda,

      Welcome to the party. You are correct in your assessment, I made some mistakes.

      This post wasnt written because I was proud of my behavior or my reaction to the situation at hand. I clearly didn’t do everything right. This post was written to help illustrate some of the struggles that take place in our D/s-M relationship, that everything is not always perfect and to emphasize to other Doms that they will not always be correct or always make the correct decisions. I also wanted to point out that a Dominant can and should apologize to his submissive when he makes a mistake. Some Dominants feel as though since they are a Dom it would show weakness to even admit a mistake moreover apologize for one. And finally, be sure that as a Dominant you make it clear when you are punishing your submissive and why she is being punished.

      Now to address you concerns.

      “while you did apologize, you didn’t do so til the following day.”

      Correct, it took me until the following day to realize that I did In fact say something that was condescending to LK. Since I now feel responsible, as the leader, for everything I began to analyze what had taken place the previous evening and wondered what I could have done to prevent the entire scenario. What I decided in hindsight was that I was the catalyst.

      “And your response to her being mad was to respond that she wasn’t being respectful which, of course, didn’t go over well. I… Simply don’t see how the Dom can punish the submissive when he was the one in the wrong”

      My initial statement may have ignited the situation but I no longer tolerate shouting at one another. I was wrong in what I said but it doesn’t in any manner excuse her behavior. She should have calmly looked at me and explained that I had just hurt her and how I hurt her.

      “Even if you do punish for the disrespect thing, you punished her and provoked further disrespect before apologizing”

      Again, another mistake, I should have made it clear to her that she was being punished. By me not doing so it left LK confused as to why she was being treated so vanilla, she thought our D/s was broken. The entire evening of the argument I didnt see my part in it, I thought that it was all her. It took me until the morning and talking it through with her before I could recognize my mistake.

      Best wishes,

      Mr. Fox

      • Brenda 6 years ago

        Ah, thank you, that makes things a lot clearer. The “no yelling” thing is definitely a good idea – it doesn’t accomplish anything in vanilla relationships either.

        It’s all a learning process, isn’t it?

  4. JustMe 6 years ago

    Mr. Fox,

    True power to take responsibility like you do. It is a pleasure to watch.

    Much admiration!

    • Author

      Just Me,

      Responsibility and accountability are major attributes to a person’s character… especially a Dominant… You own it!

      Everyone makes mistakes. A wise person will learn quite a bit from making a mistake.

      The purpose of this website is to help educate other Dominants along their journey. The mistakes that I have made along my own journey may prove of great value to many.

      If I were to deny or cover up a mistake that I had made I would surly lose credibility with my submissive followed shortly after by her respect, and rightfully so.

      The simple fact that you recognize and appreciate such an attribute says much about yourself and your own character.

      Mr. Fox

  5. Mr Stone 5 years ago

    I think Doms can get characterized incorrectly for punishing their subs. Punishments are never one-sided. I have only punished my wife twice, and neither time was it remotely fun for me. In a D/s relationship the Dom is responsible for leadership. When I make a mistake, I also make sure to apologize, but I am not punished by my sub because that is not her place in OUR agreed upon roles. I feel this is somewhat similar to parenting. If my child breaks a rule which is commensurate with a punishment, then they get punished (e.g. Grounding, loss of media, etc.). Likewise as a parent, when I make a mistake my child does not punish me. I apologize. The self realization and guilt I experience when I have made a mistake pertaining to responsibilities as a Dom or parent is no easy pill to swallow, nor do they have a definitive end such as a vanilla day, spanking, etc.

    When we were first married we read a marriage book which talked about the ‘Crazy Cycle’. It basically goes like this; one person commits and offense, then the other feels hurt or upset so they commit an offense in kind. This cycle will continue until one of them makes an active decision not to perpetuate the cycle. The beginning of your post speaks to the start of a Crazy Cycle. As Doms, we are ultimately responsible to ensure this cycle does not continue, or ideally begin at all.

    I would also like to say a vanilla day would be a punishment for both. As Doms we take on the responsibility for punishments, theirs and our own.

    Thanks for your blog and insight,
    Mr Stone

  6. Mr. Brown 3 years ago

    This hole conversation is a reflection of the last 5 yrs. of our relationship. This is the kick in the ass that has jumped started My life. My kitten has recognized the difference. Taking a harder look at Me before I punish has been the answer. Thank you.

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