Throughout my journey into the Dominance and submission lifestyle, there have been numerous rituals or protocols that simply were not suited for mature long-term or married D|s-M couples.  Therefore, in order for this lifestyle to function properly for Little Kaninchen and me, there have been times that I have had to improvise and create scenarios that work for us.

One such scenario is our Downtime.

Little Kaninchen needed a time when she could speak openly and honestly without apprehension or fear of retribution.  The belief that she should be able to communicate her honest unencumbered thoughts and feelings towards me and my leadership without fear of retribution surfaced a need for a protocol; a protocol that just simply did not exist anywhere in the D/s lifestyle.

For a Dominant to be successful I believe that excellent communication is key.  In fact, for a new submissive and a new Dominant to succeed, communication is paramount!

Dominant Leadership


All of the information available online or in books today suggests that the Dominant rules without any input from his submissive.  We are lead to believe that if the Dominant doesn’t possess all of the correct answers without hesitation, any research or input from others that it places his Dominance in jeopardy.  It may be my professional training and years of discipline but I believe that this attitude is immature and irresponsible.  An attitude such as this is setting the relationship up for sure failure.

A person that does not answer to another is a dictator and dictators eventually become tyrants.  In our lifestyle, that tyranny is referred to as domineering.  A Dominant is a leader and a good leader educates himself before making any decisions.

How is a new Dominant supposed to gauge his performance if he has no or extremely limited input?

After identifying the need for downtime, and creating the protocol itself, this is how I decided to incorporate it into our D/s-M relationship.  

Our downtime can be accomplished at any time, day or night.  It can be done on a regular basis, daily, nightly, weekly, whatever time frame that you feel is appropriate.  I utilize downtime every few days in our relationship.  An important attribute to the application of downtime is consistency.  You should be continually evaluating the need for downtime and incorporating it as required.  

Little Kaninchen is also encouraged to request downtime with me anytime that she has something that she would like to discuss with me.

Our downtime is initiated with me sitting in my leather tufted chair in our bedroom.  Little Kaninchen kneels beside my chair and rests her head in my lap.  As we talk I usually run my fingers through her hair and hold her by the nape of her neck. CHAIRSUBDOMSSPIOPT855

During our discussion, I have granted her the privilege to speak openly and without retribution, however, I have not eliminated all of the hierarchy among us.  I am still her Dominant and she will speak respectfully to me.  But I granted her immunity, if you will, to tell me exactly how she feels about everything, our relationship, my decision making, my leadership, her thoughts, her preferences anything that she wants to ensure that I am aware of.  It is important to remember that you are providing her a safe sanctuary to speak honestly without retribution.  This discussion should be as a Dominant and submissive and not as a husband and a wife, professional almost.

I personally travel quite a bit for a living and have discovered that I can accomplish downtime while on the road as well.  (Virtual Dom) When I feel that downtime is required I will facetime my LK and request that she place her iPad on the back of my chair and kneel beside it with her head resting on the pillow.

I initially created downtime to provide my submissive a safe sanctuary where she could communicate openly and honestly with me.  After creating and implementing the protocol I realized several other beneficial by-products.

I quickly discovered that the information that Little Kaninchen was providing to me during our downtime was invaluable.  Downtime became a Dominant’s time of discovery.  A time to listen and ensure that my leadership as a Dominant was nourishing her as my submissive.

Downtime is similar to checking in with your submissive during a scene.

Downtime, when used as a discovery tool, can be administered after a scene.  Aftercare is a must immediately after a scene and can not be overlooked.  When using downtime to discuss a heavy scene, the following day will be more appropriate than the day of.

DOMSUBINCHAIRUPSIDEDOWNSSPIOPT196Downtime also had the unexpected benefit of feeding her submissive mindset.  I found that within one minute of her resting her head on my lap her entire demeanor, as did mine, changed deeper into our designated roles.  Little Kaninchen experienced a more submissive mindset and I felt more in control and Dominant.  I suspect that our position plays into effect, she is kneeling, her head is in my lap and I have her by her hair and the nape of her neck.

In summary:

  • Downtime is a tool that should be used to check in with your submissive.  
  • Utilize downtime to verify that she is being properly nourished and to discover any unacknowledged concerns or fears that she may have.  
  • Downtime is one of the only tools that you have to ensure that you are doing a good job as a Dominant.  
  • Downtime affords the Dominant some additional benefits such as better communication and a better submissive mindset.
  • Downtime will help you develop a better Dominant mindset and provide you with more confidence.


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submissive Positions Kneeling – Relaxed  submissive position #1 What is the Kneeling submissive position? While in this submissive position the submissive kneels with her thighs……...

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  1. Thanks for sharing this priceless information! My Sweetness and I will have to incorporate this into our journey! And by the way….it’s great to see your posts again!

    1. Mr. B,

      And thank you for your comment…

      I am going to make an effort to post more frequently.

      I look forward to talking with you soon…

      Best wishes,

      Mr. Fox

    1. Mia,

      Welcome aboard!

      I am glad that you found what you were searching for and I hope that your new purchase is a success…

      Best wishes,

      Mr. Fox

  2. What if my submissive only requests “down time” when she is being difficult and throwing me attitude and questioning my decision making altogether?

    1. Fire & Ice,

      Excellent question…

      Downtime is a time designated for open communication between the Dominant and his submissive. I utilize downtime mostly at the end of the day, more as a review of that days events, similar to keeping journal. Downtime allows us to stay in touch with one another as we grow along our journey.

      Little Kaninchen always has the right to speak to me directly however. She can speak to me as downtime or at anytime that she feels a need. Little Kaninchen will ask if she may speak to me as my wife. As a loving Dominant I can not refuse her…

      During our entire D/s relationship I believe that LK has only requested to speak to me as my wife one time.

      “What if my submissive only requests “down time” when she is being difficult and throwing me attitude and questioning my decision making altogether?”

      Remember that to be successful in your journey proper communication is vital. Without knowing any details regarding your particular situation let me break your question down to the basics.

      If she needs to talk to you about anything… You must listen to her, really listen.

      If she is questioning your decision making there could be several things to consider. Whatever the root for the distrust I would suggest that better communication during the decision making process may help alleviate some of her concern.

      If your submissive is “being difficult” or “throwing you attitude” you should be requesting downtime with her. You need to determine what the cause of her behavior is.

      Finally, I would ask how you are conducting you downtime. Little Kaninchen’s mindset changes almost instantly when she kneels and rests her head in my lap. When I am rubbing her hair as we talk and I am holding her by the nape of her neck I am not being forceful in any way. My actions are gentle and loving but the posture again sets the tone of Dominant and submissive.

      I would suggest conducting downtime or any serious communication in a manner such as this. I would not conduct this communication literally eye to eye.

      I truly hope that I have answered your question well enough. If you would like to consult with me in a more personal manner please don’t hesitate to contact me directly.

      Best wishes,

      Mr. Fox

  3. Mr. Fox, apologies for the length here but on such subjects such as this, I do not take it lightly and feel these subjects should be discussed well and thoroughly. I hope you don’t mind if I concur and add some thoughts.

    You’ve covered two of the most critical fundamental aspects of a D/s and Top/bottom relationship or roles! If I may repeat…

    Communication: “For a Dominant to be successful I believe that excellent communication is key. In fact, for a new submissive and a new Dominant to succeed communication is paramount!”

    Input: “How is a new Dominant supposed to gauge his performance if he has no or extremely limited input?”

    Sir, I sometimes find these aspects lacking in every day common traditional vanilla marriages & relationships too. One might think it is an epidemic because the demands of jobs, careers, family, children, then a socio-economic system that also vyes for our precious energy & attention via consumerism, etc, through ALL WAYS possible into our personal life like swarming sharks…truly makes these two intimate aspects seemingly impossible to create even in our BDSM lifestyle! You could not be more correct in saying it must be consistent and made a paramount priority. I thank you for pointing this out and tip my hat to you and applaud.

    As I go into my 25th year in the lifestyle — admittedly some of those years were dormant — and the people (all types & orientations) I’ve met, the friendships developed, and even couples that come & go realizing they actually were NOT ready or made for the lifestyle then gave-up because it seemed to require way too much work…all has caused me these last 4-5 years to ask:

    Is “Input”, and not just one source of input, but a sort of bibliographical input(s) the better way to learn and improve? Like any Nobel Prize winning scholarly piece of work or journalism would be to have many trusted sound sources at the end, right? Then I’ve also asked myself this subsequent question: “Am I to assume in this precious mind-bogglingly satisfying BDSM relationship, I alone am the Be-All End-All of her past needs, current needs, AND future needs 24/7, 365 days a year for as long as we are both alive and coherent!? As ridiculous as that question may sound, I’ve witnessed many Doms who put very little significance, or none at all, on “Downtime” as if they had “cornered the market” with specific genetic markers in their DNA to be the For-All-Time Perfect Dom since being conceived in their mother’s womb! This is the extreme of “Domineering” reaching tyrant as you’ve mentioned. And yes, they
    WILL fail horribly for numerous reasons, but primarily because that Dom-Tyrant has cut himself off from reality, like a pre-genius child-prodigy throwing away library cards to the British Library, New York Public Library, and U.S. Library of Congress!

    But in light of this examining & reflection I’m still asking the more refined question, “How many inputs should a Master, Dom, or Top allow in order to be a BETTER Master, Dom, or Top?” The common BDSM communities, not all but many, have confining, restricting, hyper-protective members; and due to ‘predators’ rightly so. But can hyper-paranoia also stagnate a Master, Dom, or Top to improve and be more for their Switch, bottom, or submissive? One or several? Expansive or binary? Not everyone is a predator and everyone is not a “Master-of-All-Things.”

    For a Dom/Top TIME is your asset or your liability, especially downtime. I’m wondering if having more than one library card is too?

    Thank you Mr. Fox for such a stimulating provocative post and subject!

    1. Professor Taboo,

      Please do not apologize for the length of your comment. As a veteran in the lifestyle your input is appreciated by many including myself.

      As I have continued to grow during my journey I have come to realize that a D/s relationship is still a relationship and has many of the same fundamentals as any other. I am not talking about the kink or the protocols or any of those things but I am referring to things such as communication, respect, honesty, and patience. I have mentioned this in several of my previous posts.

      My journey opened my eyes to my relationship. As a Dominant I accepted full responsibility for our relationship and all of the sudden I found myself analyzing every facet of it and trying to make it work better for the both of us. I have never seen another Dominant write about the similarities of a D/s relationship and a vanilla relationship. I am elated to learn that other Dominants/Tops can see the similarities as well. If I would have placed the same emphasis on many of these same attributes of my vanilla relationship it would have been that much better.

      Talk about thought provoking… Your comment is certainly that…

      You have posed a lot of excellent thought provoking questions here. I believe that it is dialogue such as this with trusted Doms/Tops that will help many of us continue to grow in our roles.

      Thank you for your insight and participation.

      With kindest regards,

      Mr Fox

  4. communication. Something that seems to take a back seat in relationships, I know it did in ours. Work, raising a family, paying bills, and life in general seems to get in the way. It is during Downtime when my little Wench could speak freely that our communicating took on a whole new era. I listened more intently, and she spoke more honestly. As a wife she said what she thought I wanted to hear, as a submissive she says what is real for her.

    As our journey is moving along we are getting closer, more honest with each other, and Little Wench is becoming the fun loving sexy girl I met 42 years ago.

    Without Downtime and listening to her input I wouldn’t be the Dominant that she needs to be the submissive she wants to be and needs to be for herself.

    Thanks Mr. Fox for this great insightful post

    1. Buck,

      Welcome Aboard!

      Wow! Forty two years ago… You two are obviously doing something right to begin with.

      It really is about communication…

      In today’s technologically advanced society we have so many ways to communicate faster, more clearly and more often than ever yet the art of communication has been lost. Our downtime removes all of the outside world for a few minutes and allows us (forces us) to concentrate on only each other.

      Thank you for your comment and I look forward to getting to know you and your wench better in the future.

      Kindest regards,

      Mr. Fox

  5. I agree 100% with this post. My slave and I have these moments of open communication and as many here have said she speaks much more openly then she did before we converted to the D/s lifestyle. We’ve been married for 8 years and we’ve never been as happy as we are in this lifestyle.

    1. Master Grey,

      It was a pleasure chatting with you tonight on my LK’s chat!

      It is amazing that after we designated one of us as the leader and no longer two equal parts, the quality of our communication was significantly enhanced.

      This happens for several reasons I believe.

      I no longer feel threatened by her input or feel as though I need to defend my position.

      When we discuss an issue I am actually approaching it from a neutral position and not my position.

      When she speaks, I listen to her and see it from her perspective and I no longer need to be thinking of how to defend my position while she is speaking, I actually listen.

      Downtime has proven a terrific benefit for us and our D/s.

      I look forward to learning more about you and your journey!

      Kindest regards,

      Mr Fox

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