If she would only act like a subMrs

(submissive)

Then I could be a great Dominant…

I have heard this statement, or statements similar to this that share the same meaning, all too often.  It troubles me, however, when other Dominants begin to feed on this rhetoric.

Of course, if we all had perfect situations then we could all be perfect Dominants as well.  Guess what?  That is simply not the way in which the real world operates.

The real world operates in ebbs and flows, ups and downs, good and bad.  The peaks and valleys is also part of what makes life so rewarding, the challenges and the successes.

A submissive, or I should say, a submissive’s behavior is a product of her environment.  It is up to the Dominant, the leader, to create an environment in which the submissive can flourish.

Only if she weren’t so moody…

Only if she reacted to situations better…

Only if she would do as I say…

Only if she would submit to me…

A leader would not look at his people and say “only if these people would listen to me and follow me, then I would be a great leader.”  Could you imagine reading in our history books that Napoleon said, “only if I had great soldiers that did as I pleased, then I would be a great leader”?  Napoleon was known for having some of the most loyal troops in history.  Even in the most difficult situations Napoleon created an environment in which his soldiers were motivated to please him and proud to press on during his campaigns.  Napoleon was a great leader!, he never once blamed his troops for failures, he always took full responsibility for what they did under his leadership.NAPOLEON2FRANCESSPIOPT591

If you ever find yourself making the same statement as the opening remarks of this writing, you should stop and take a good long look at yourself in the mirror.

Also, consider that your submissive is probably saying to herself…

Only if he would act like a Dominant…

Then I could flourish as a submissive…

This statement would be much more accurate than the title of this blog.

The Dominant is the leader and is the sole person responsible of creating a nurturing environment for the Ds-Married dynamic to mature.  The Dominant needs to set the tone and atmosphere of the dynamic and to arm the submissive with the tools necessary for success.

If you begin to feel as though your submissive is not behaving properly and should be a better submissive, examine the situation and analyze yourself, the leader, before you begin to judge your submissive.

As in most cases, it will be beneficial to conduct downtime with your submissive.  Proper and effective communication is always going to be the prelude to establishing a long lasting solution.  You, as well as your submissive, will need a concise and candid evaluation of the situation in order for you to identify a tangible solution.

After investigating the state of affairs the Dominant may discover a few fundamental areas that require attention in order to get their D/s dynamic back on course. How can you change your actions or words to influence your submissive’s actions or attitude for the better?Act Like A Submissive

If the Dominant has been honest in their scrutiny of the situation at hand, they may have discovered that their level of personal commitment and overall effort exerted into the dynamic as been diminished.  This diminished commitment is often recognized by the submissive almost immediately and without intention reflected by their behavior.

There are obviously many different options that one could use to rectify the situation.  If the condition was brought about by the Dominant insidiously slipping back into the vanilla role they should begin by identifying and acknowledging this with their submissive.

It would also be wise to share a few methods that you plan on incorporating into your dynamic to demonstrate your desire and commitment to the relationship.

Downtime – enhances submissive mindset by body positioning and will emphasize  your commitment to the lifestyle.  The open dialogue during Downtime will also aid in recognition of both the root issue as well as resetting both partners expectations.

Review Rules & Tasks – A review of any already assigned rules or tasks that may currently be in effect.  Many times when the Dominant has allowed the D/s-M atmosphere to deteriorate he has also allowed agreed to rules and tasks to go without notice.  This could be that the rules or tasks are not being accomplished as previously agreed or it could be that the rules and tasks are being conducted properly and the Dominant is not verifying their completion and not giving the proper praise.

BDSM Scene – Of course one of the most powerful instruments that can be used to set the Dominance and submission atmosphere is to conduct a scene.

So the next time that you find yourself complaining about your submissive’s behavior, remember to take a look in the mirror.  What can you as the leader do to alter the submissive’s behavior to satisfy your expectations?  Set the atmosphere, Engage in your role and most of all “Take the lead!”

 

 

 

 

 

Act like a submissive

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18 Comments
  1. sir 4 years ago

    Mr. Fox

    I have heard these sayings many, many times here on husDom.

    The Dominant is responsible for creating the D/s environment, in turn a submissive’s behavior is a product of her environment.

    Great blog post!

    Best regards,
    Sir

    • Author

      Sir,

      Indeed, the quote that I used for illustration in my blog post, “Only if she would act like a good submissive, then I could be a good Dominant,” was taken directly from my community.

      To my amazement the general counsel to this particular statement was that the Dominant needed to explain to the submissive that she should behave. That if she truly desired the D/s-M lifestyle then she would behave accordingly.

      I felt as though the original sentiment missed the mark and that there was a need to address this situation as it was originally misdiagnosed by so many.

      Best wishes,

      Mr Fox

  2. ProfessorTaboo 4 years ago

    Mr. Fox,

    A powerful and humbling post Sir for us Doms/Tops. It reminded me that as is the case in much of daily life in general (the ‘vanilla’ world), so also is it the case in our PERSONAL scenes, dungeons, SSC-BDSM communities, and bedrooms… especially as both of you are (perpetually?) learning more about each other — and one’s self of course — being “naked” and raw. I try my best to never consider myself as a “complete” or finished Master of our Dark Art, but always a STUDENT of my sub’s/bottom’s… expressions. Those experiences I am Commanding, or responsible for, yes… but I’m hopeful they will be earth-shattering, but with the realization that they could be train-wrecks. Either way, I WILL learn so that I can become a better Dom/Top/Master the next time.

    Do you see the chemistry is or must be fluid in all directions? I feed/learn off of her reactions, expressions, loud or otherwise, and in return I feed her what she wants/needs! But it is always about the 2-way animated chemistry, not purely and only what the sub/bottom is doing or saying — I am ALWAYS a part of the equation!

    You ended, “Act like a submissive.” That has a lot of truth to it. I am not above putting myself on occasion into literally the sub’s/bottom’s position (shoes?) when the REWARD could and most likely will be 10-fold and for her “always giving more” back! Make sense?

    Great change of camera angles Mr. Fox.

    • Author

      Professor Taboo,

      Your wisdom has been missed here on husDOM™. I hope that everything has been well for you.

      “Complete or finished master of the Dark Art”, Always the student… I use words very similar to these in many of my own statements. I believe that you and I often look at situations through a similar glass.

      Best wishes,

      Mr Fox

  3. Mr. 4 years ago

    Mr. Fox,

    I love this post and can find many important lessons within. Though I do think both dominant and submissive are responsible for the D/s environment, I do not think that it is right to blame the other party for ones own failings! Statements like “Oh, if only she/he were a better submissive” definitely seem like an excuse, or like putting the blinders on. As I learned early on from my own experiences and from your advice, and the advice of others on HusDom, a significant part of the journey is learning to improve oneself. I think this should be the primary focus of starting dominants, and reminders, like those found in your post, to take responsibility for ones own part of the equation are always important and should be welcomed. It seems to me that any steps towards taking personal responsibility on the part of the dominant will in all likelihood feed the dynamic and help the submissive to contribute as well. Thanks again for the continued insights, looking forward to your next post.

    Best,
    Mr.

    • Author

      Mr.,

      I will certainly not disagree with you regarding newer Dominants should focus on improving themselves. This post was written to address the mostly new Dominants that have misidentified the root issue to a specific issue.

      What you have brought to light is an even more important topic I believe and requires an entirely separate post.

      Thanks for reminding us all that good leadership starts at the top.

      Best wishes,

      Mr Fox

  4. Tex 4 years ago

    Good reminder , thanks.

  5. Hunter27338 4 years ago

    Mr. Fox,

    Very good post and very familiar to me. It is common to focus our frustrations on others instead of looking within at how we are acting to control and lead the environment. And how we let these frustrations manifest themselves in our D/s is critical. We cannot push to force the submissive into submission. Instead we need to insure we have built a positive D/s cycle that we intentionally keep in motion.

    In many cases, when the Dom feels frustration there is also a level of frustration for the sub as well. Doms should review their rules and rituals as their D/s progresses to determine:
    * are they still applicable given the state of our D/s (avoid burnout)
    * why am I requesting these, what is the intended outcome and I have I communicated this information to my submissive (avoid the ’cause I said so…’)
    * am I praising my submissive when they complete the rituals and follow rules (avoid their feeling unappreciated)

    It is critical that the dominant drive the D/s in a POSITIVE cycle that increases the pleasure and fulfillment that our submissive derives from the D/s. Discipline and punishment have their place, but should always be a last resort when feelings of frustration persist.

    Shout out to Sir who had to almost beat these aspects into my thick head.

    • Author

      Hunter,

      “It is common to focus our frustrations on others instead of looking within at how we are acting and lead the environment.”

      My whole post summed up in a single sentence… Very well said.

      You go on to say that we can not force submission onto our submissives which is very true. We can also not simply tell them that they need to be more submissive either.

      As you discussed building the ‘positive’ D/s cycle…. I like it!

      Best wishes,

      Mr Fox

  6. sir 4 years ago

    The Hunter,

    “Shout out to Sir who had to almost beat these aspects into my thick head.”

    You are more then welcome my friend, I am so humbled I can help!

    Best regards,
    Sir

  7. Buck/AMB 4 years ago

    Mr. Fox, once again a great post. I have learned that when my wench starts to have problems I must first look to my leadership and then go from there. It usually my leadership starting to slack that is the base problem.
    Thanks again for the reminder.

    Buck

  8. Hieron 4 years ago

    Mr. Fox,
    Thanks for the great post. This realization was / is the cornerstone to my own dominance and the D/s-M that my sweet girl and I share. I love hearing this articulated! Once I began to own and live as you described, there was no going back. It resolved so much tension in my marriage, relieved her of pressures of many kinds and allowed our relationship to flower more than it had in the previous decades.
    I agree that our subs must be loved, nurtured, lead and (in my case sparingly) corrected but never expected to lead. If I don’t know what I want, and if I’m not expressing it positively and concretely, and going after it, how can she? If I’m not guiding, suggesting, encouraging and rather criticizing or blaming, how can she feel nurtured and safe enough to truly allow the flower of her submissiveness to open?
    In fact, I teach all the young men that ask (nephews, etc.) the basic tenets I learned: 1) No complaining; 2) No blaming; 3) Know what you want and communicate it with grace. Without saying so, I am trying to set them up to be proper Doms. Even if they don’t go ‘D/s-M’ they will certainly have happier marriages.
    Change a few words in your post, Mr. Fox and it would be superlative marital advice for men in general across the board. Certainly better than most of what is out there.
    Thank you for all you do,
    Hieron

    • Author

      Hieron,

      “Change a few words in your post, Mr. Fox and it would be superlative marital advice for men in general across the board. Certainly better than most of what is out there.

      I have said countless times sir, that at the core of a D/s-M dynamic is a relationship…

      Best wishes,

      Mr Fox

  9. TkDom 3 years ago

    I have been dabbling in BDSM & live a kinky lifestyle, I read this post & it hit home…

    My partner wanted me to be her Dom/Daddy & expand into a 24/7 set up.
    But I felt like a Good Dom & wanted her to experience a more experienced Dom, so I allowed her that chance & I wasnt present but after hearing about it & her glowing response, made me feel jealous & inadequate, now I feel so bad at it…

    Im questioning everything & find it hard as hell to open up & explain it to her, without sounding like an utter bitch.
    I fear that I cant live up to that experience in our Home or in our lifestyle.
    Even when I have, it can turn bad & end in bad feelings, with our kids & family heavily in our lives Im unsure how to make a 24/7 D/s relationship work.

    She is only 25 has been into BDSM since her teens & Im 35, but feeling like an old dog trying to learn new tricks…

    Im not an insecure person, but I really wanted to be a good Dom, for her but fear that she will feel let down or uninspired by my novice level & be thinking ‘Get on with it already?’….

    My sub is my wife & I adore her with every fibre in my being, but when I feel like Im doing well, I end up like a fish outta water….tbh, it hurts & I did blame her, I said If youd be more submissive for me, like you were with him etc & I feel like a twat & not sure how to come back from it…though I have since appologised & we are ok now, I feel a bit silly attempting to ‘Play’ with her, knowing what she now knows & I do not.

    But I want to & I will.

    • Author

      TkDom,

      I sense your frustration regarding your situation and it makes perfect sense that you feel such as you do.

      You are concerned and suffering regret regarding living up to the encounter that you have allowed your submissive to experience.

      You will have to somehow allow yourself to get past this. You will never be able to live up to that moment. It wasnt real, it was fantasy…

      Most practitioners of D/s would consider her experience a D/s experience. I personally would not, it was BDSM. At the core of a D/s dynamic is a relationship, not solely a sexual or other type of encounter.

      The Dominant in this case had no challenge at all. He didn’t need to cultivate her mind and lead it to a place where he could really penetrate it. He didn’t need to know anything about her, her likes, her desires. Rather she was of the proper mindset a week in advance. All he had to do was show up and it was already an amazing experience for her. It became what she wanted it to be.

      You, on the other hand, have to grocery shop with her, take care of the children, take care of the children when the are ill and tired, pay the bills, go to work, change the oil in the car, mow the grass, make dinner and do the dishes, etc… You have a REAL relationship to contend with. Combine a real relationship with being a Dominat and now we are talking.

      There arent many Dominants that are full time Dom’s and in long term relationships. Hence the need for a place like husDOM. Most self proclaimed Dominants have no idea, literally no idea, how to be a leader.

      It is time to man up. She may always look back at her experience and feel as though that the other Dominant was a Super Dom but we know that he wasnt, it was a fantasy. That Super Dom most likely doesnt know the first thing about a real relationship, if he did he may have suggested how what you wanted him to do may damage your marriage. Hmm.. This would be leading me off on a path of a Dominant should have his submissive’s best interest in mind and not his own. Maybe he was more inexperienced in relationships, or being the other Dominant than either of you have considered. His inexperience maybe the reason that he couldn’t foresee the aftermath of his actions on a real relationship. Or maybe he simply didn’t care about the well being of his submissive subject.

      I will hop down from my soap box…

      Best wishes,

      Mr Fox

  10. MasterInc. 2 years ago

    Have come several years now down this trail with my cherished Wife/Sub. This is one of the most difficult truths I’ve seen come to witness with the less experienced Dom’s beginning their own adventure.
    We all started from a similar place I feel, and likely all faced similar difficulty’s at one time or another, and that’s ok. Its the process of learning. But what is One of the most important aspects I feel of being entitled as Dominant is self awareness. Its imperative to the Sustainability of the Dominant position no matter what the Dynamic is.
    Everything starts at home plate, with you. One of the very first things that interested me about the lifestyle was the Honesty. Not just speaking on interpersonal Honesty with your Sub. But the Honesty you must have with your self. Having such a mindset in place only aids the further cultivation of the person your staring down each morning in the mirror. The only competition you have!

    In short my thoughts are:
    ~If you can’t be honest to yourself/about yourself? You likely won’t be honest with others.
    ~Realize your full of many great strengths. And just as many equal weaknesses.
    ~Destroy your delusions. Realize your potential. Achieve your desires.

  11. ShieldStorm 1 year ago

    So much here to digest as I start walking this path more fully with my subMrs.
    Thank you all.
    I feel like the first time I walked into a dojo. Holy crap! How can I possibly don’t this? Lol. Persistence, repetition, honesty and heart.
    With every post I read, it reaffirms I finally found the right place.
    Domo Arigato Gozimasu.
    -ShieldStorm

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