D/s Relationship Ebbs and Flows | Married BDSM

D/s Relationship Natural Ebb & Flow

Peaks and Valleys – Highs and Lows…

I have said many times how Dominants throughout all phases of their D/s journey will experience ebbs and flows as their D/s relationship progresses.  Most importantly, consider your D/s, Dominance and submission, as a relationship between a Dominant and a submissive rather than that of a husband and a wife.  In other words, regarding your D/s as a ‘relationship’ and as with any relationship, vanilla or otherwise, there will be a natural cycle of ebbs and flows, highs and lows.  After mentoring many couples it is my belief that the first step back is usually the most difficult.

3 steps forward and 1 step back…


The first ebb, or step backward in the D/s relationship diminishes the new husDOM’s confidence to nearly zero. It will ordinarily take a new Dominant or husDOM some time to develop a solid D/s foundation in which he truly feels comfortable.  The first step backward can leave a new Dominant with a perception of utter hopelessness and despair.  Oftentimes, it is not until after the first ebb or step backward of a D/s relationship that the Dominant realizes how much progress he has fashioned as a Dominant and begins to establish genuine confidence in his ability to lead the relationship.

Generally speaking, the peaks and valleys or cycles, if you will, become less frequent and to a lesser severity or degree as the journey continues. The Dominant will begin to develop more self-confidence and he begin to recognize what has taken place, a natural cyclical ebb and flow of a relationship.  With this newfound and proven confidence, the Dominant can now establish a flight plan that will keep the D/s dynamic climbing to a safe altitude.DOUBLE2OPT298

Unfortunately, when the Dominant takes a step backward, there is a chink in his armor or in his confidence.  The D/s atmosphere is not being properly maintained as the Dominant is trying to recover and regain control.  Often times the new Dominant sits idle and tries to analyze the situation, paralyzed by the step backward.  When the Dominant does not recover his demeanor quickly, his submissive begins to become anxious recognizing that the D/s atmosphere is diminishing.

As the atmosphere diminishes the Dominant recognizes this degradation of control as well, it is apparent by his DOUBLE-2OPT769submissive becoming less and less submissive over time.  Again, this weakening D/s atmosphere is occurring due to the Dominant not properly attending to the dynamic.

This situation is a common situation for new D/s couples as well as more established D/s couples. If this behavior is allowed to continue without proper action and maintenance by the Dominant the D/s dynamic will begin to deteriorate and regress further back, much further than just one step.  It may diminish to obscurity and beyond.

Sometimes the excitement of the newfound D/s relationship leaves dominants feeling as though this situation could never happen to them but allow me to assure you that in one manner or another and to different degrees this happens to everyone, it is indeed how healthy relationships function.

Here are some techniques that may help the new Dominant, as well as an established Dominant level their wings and regain control of the situation…



Posture – the physical positioning of the Dominant and the submissive during downtime helps to create a proper mindset for the Dominant as well as the submissive.  This subtle but effective body posturing will help stabilize the acutely diminished atmosphere.

Communication – Use downtime to ask your submissive directly what is troubling her.  After your submissive communicates her trepidations and concerns regarding the current weakening of your dynamic you can reassure her that you have everything under control and bring to light how you as the Dominant, as the leader, intend on overcoming this setback to create an even stronger D/s dynamic.

Be sure that both the Dominant and submissive maintain their perspective roles and do not speak as a husband and wife but rather as a Dominant and submissive.  This is not the time to discuss situations such as children or household issues.  This is about the two of you and your D/s relationship.

Carefully listen to what your submissive is communicating you, her perception of the situation is the reality.

Do not defend your position or try to rationalize your mindset.  Listen…

Ask plenty of follow-up questions so you as the Dominant will have an explicit overview of what happened to cause this particular ebb or step backward.

Confidence – During an ebb or step backward the new Dominant may begin to doubt that his submissive is still on board and that she still has the same desires for a Dominance and submission lifestyle.  Downtime will extinguish these insecure and paranoid thoughts as she reassures her desires.


Posture – The physical positioning of administering a spanking to your submissive without doubt promotes the proper Dominant submissive atmosphere and mindset.  This spanking would be what I would refer to as a maintenance spanking, a more tender compassionate spanking allowing the Dominant and submissive a renewed perspective of their proper roles.

Confidence – The physical positioning along with the physical contact between the dominant’s bare hand on the submissive’s bare bottom is instrumental in restoring the lost or broken confidence.  This act is an intimate reconnecting of the minds.

Roles – A spanking facilitates and encourages both the Dominant and the submissive to realign their perspective roles within the D/s dynamic.

D/s Scene

Posture – A Dominance and submission scene may be the most influential method to renew the D/s atmosphere.  Not only will there be physical posture but the scene itself will dictate the roles of both the Dominant and the submissive.

If you are experiencing a step back this may also be simply out of the question.  You will want to begin with downtime and proceed to a maintenance spanking and then plan your D/s scene.  If both you and your submissive are experiencing a loss of confidence in your D/s relationship charging into a D/s scene may be foster an even larger setback.

Confidence – A D/s scene will promote the Dominant’s confidence as well as ease the submissive’s mindset by demonstrating the actual attributes of the lifestyle.

Following an ebb or step backward be sure to keep the scene elementary.  Use the scene to build confidence as a Dominant and to build the confidence of your submissive.  This is not the proper time to try something new or to stretch or push the boundaries.  This particular D/s scene merely requires you to successfully complete it.  The Dominant’s goal during the scene should be to leave the submissive wanting more.

Without the proper Dominant submissive atmosphere, your submissive will continue to slowly become less and less submissive and that uncomfortable distance between the two of you will continue to intensify. This detrimental pattern will continue to escalate until there is no Dominant and submissive atmosphere left and the Dominant and submissive are both right back to their old vanilla relationship standard.


D/s Relationships

Ebbs & Flows

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