Lost D/s Dynamic | D/s Mentoring Advice

I'm a Dom who has lost the respect of his sub and she has taken the gift back.

husDOM Member

That is one powerful statement!  It is promising because you realize several key factors regarding your D|s-M relationship.  

      • What you had.
      • What you want.
      • What you are.
      • That her submission is truly a gift.
      • And most importantly that you want to earn that gift back.

She may have lost confidence in your ability to lead.

What has happened to you and your submissive is not that uncommon.  A long term D/s-M relationship is relatively easy to begin and much more difficult to maintain and sustain.  Many couples expect to read something on the internet and apply what they have read and get the expected results.  It has consistently proven much more difficult than that for every couple that I have conversed with.
All of the methods she had used in the past to control and manipulate came back.  My normal reaction to her trying to control is to shutdown and close myself off from this subtle control,  and I let her take control back.

This is classic vanilla…  It is common that early in a couple’s journey when partners become frustrated that they revert back to their old habits of being vanilla.  These old habits didnt work for you when you were vanilla either that is why you both were so willing to try something different.  If we were to break this down to its most basic elements it would be poor communication.  When you began feeling that she was beginning to take control back instead of shutting down you should have communicated these feelings to her.  I use what I refer to as downtime to communicate with my LK.

After I shut down and stopped doing BDSM and DD all together 3 weeks ago of course started to make her feel neglected, unwanted, and betrayed.

Communication…  Right back to vanilla!


Her trust in my leadership is gone.  She craves a BDSM relationship and I crave to lead but I’m clueless as to where to go from here.

You need to start from the beginning and create a sound D/s-M foundation…

Ask her to kneel at your side with her head on your lap and communicate. (downtime)  Communicate to her exactly what you have told me.  You clearly see what went wrong because you outlined it for me in your email, tell her what you see.  Explain to her that you desire this type of relationship and that you see her submission as a gift.  Explain to her that you felt as though she was topping from the bottom and that you shut down.  Take responsibility and tell her that it was your lack of leadership that has gotten the two of you where you are at and that if she will allow you to be her Dominant you would like to earn her trust back.  You know what to say.  If she begins to talk…  Stop talking and listen…  Ask her follow up questions and listen…
A D/s relationship is still a relationship.  Your shutting down and withdrawing isn’t going to work in a vanilla relationship and it obviously didn’t work in a D/s relationship either.  The difference here is that you now recognize what you did wrong and have a strong desire to correct your mistake.  In the vanilla relationship I bet you would have still thought it was all her fault.
Relationships are difficult and take a lot of patience.  Hopefully your submissive will see that you strongly desire this lifestyle with her and will begin again.
The two of you should start from the beginning again and work on the fundamentals of a D/s relationship.  It is essential to build a strong foundation in the beginning of your journey.  As you two secure the proper foundation you will begin to understand and realize how to make it your own.  Without the proper foundation the simplest of foul weather can bring down the entire structure.

Lost D/s Dynamic

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  1. I think this post is equally applicable to the early days in starting a D/s dynamic. As (my assumption here) I am sure is true for many of us, the ability to remain strong as the Dominant when we witness fragility or suffering in our submissive, can lead to hesitation in its many forms, ergo backing off from our intent. In doing so we actually relinquish control, piece by piece. It may not seem important enough at that moment, but the eroding of control is as gradual when in decline as it was when being built. When this happens, as you have pointed out, we are heading back to the safety and mundane vanilla world that did not satisfy either of our needs.

    I for one am finding what Mr Fox has written here to be “oh so very true” as I build My own dominance with My angel. Going quiet when I am not happy with a behavior just because (insert justification here!) is not going to work. I am not saying be hard nosed, unfeeling or inconsiderate. As always, communication is vital but there again, this too is a trap! Over baking the communication can lead to her feeling a sense of weakness or lack of conviction in her dominant which is ultimately going to lead you right back to vanilla too.

    I leaned something yesterday. Whilst I am not prepared to reveal certain details in an open format, I will share this. Before I left for work I gave My angel an expectation for when I returned home in the evening after work. During the day i received several emails and texts as she (as always) let Me know how her day was goinga dn hwo she was feeling. She was tired, hungry (hunger from fatigue not lack of food!) and generally depleted. With this in mind I decided to ease off on the expectations and let her know this. I thought I was being considerate and loving and that she would value that.


    In fact, as we drifted to sleep later that night, she told Me she never once contemplated not following the order. Quite the opposite, she could not wait to do so. In her words, this is how she shows Me how she loves Me.

    She did as I had ordered and I was delighted. I was delighted more than anything else because I have learned something valuable. My submissive needs My strength ALL the time but especially when she is feeling less, weaker. She wants it, craves it and thrives on it. Seeing her weak is the time to step it up, be strong for her and lead her through the weaker times.

    Mr Fox, your observations resonate so perfectly with Me (any most here I get the feeling!) and I cannot thank you enough for bringing up such topics.


    1. Sir to an Angel,

      “she told Me she never once contemplated not following the order. Quite the opposite, she could not wait to do so. In her words, this is how she shows Me how she loves Me.”

      This makes perfect sense to me and I would expect it from a submissive. During your submissive’s mundane tired, hungry day she is looking forward to pleasing you, that is how she derives her pleasure, by providing you pleasure…

      Great comment!


      Mr Fox

    1. Little Kaninchen,

      There is no going back for us!

      Our journey has taken us too far now. When I look over my shoulder I can longer associate with where we have come from, I wouldnt know how to get back now if I tried. Our journey continues forward with great jubilation and excitement! We have no destination, it is the journey that we hunger for.

      With Love,

      Mr Fox

  2. A very good informative post Sir. I believe repairing a relationship requires more effort, more determination — and perhaps some ‘memory loss’ on the part of the hurt and genuine remorse on the part of the inflictor — than creating a relationship or dynamic within a relationship. If repairing is needed, for various reasons these realigned “postures” can be difficult due to pain or pride. If the D/s are fairly new to the lifestyle, there must be a wide margin for forgiveness, patience, and mistakes/misunderstandings. Expecting perfection can be as much a minefield of sabotage as it can be an admirable standard.

    Now an experienced veteran D/s relationship is quite different. Their expectations, postures, and communication are well-defined and based upon years of refinement and articulation…and of course some (dwindling) mistakes too.

    1. Professor Taboo,

      ” If the D/s are fairly new to the lifestyle, there must be a wide margin for forgiveness, patience, and mistakes/misunderstandings.”

      I really like this statement… and believe that it is worth repeating…

      There is a learning curve with D/s as with most anything else and large amounts a grace will be required.

      Kindest regards,

      Mr Fox

      1. “A wide margin for forgiveness, patience, and mistakes/misunderstandings”
        I too like this statement–a lot.

        Sometimes I need to be reminded of this, I sometimes find it hard to forgive myself for making a mistake or a lack of patience. I can forgive LW quicker then I forgive my self.


  3. Mr. Fox,
    As I read this post the 2nd and third time through, I feel more and more of a connection. However, I would like to hear your opinion on the following:

    Could not this same loss of dynamic occur when a couple is trying to be in a Vanilla relationship of “equality” and one person is ignorant that the partner needs more of a D/s relationship?

    In my case for example, I would withdraw more b/c I had lost the respect and trust of my wife… and did not know how to get it back… which led to growing further apart and further from the leader she needed. Moreover, at the time, I am not sure I was capable or willing to take the steps and growth needed for me. Thus, here was no safety for her.. only constant hurt. I had no CLUE what a Dom was or how to be a Dominant husband…. I could not figure out what was getting in the way of us being a priority and life pushed us aside.

    Furthermore, the implied responsibilities in a D/s relationship as mentioned in another blog almost set a couple up for failure if either party fails to Understand and accept those responsibilities. I will not place any blame on my spouse for this; I failed to listen or hear what she was really asking for. I did not live up to my responsibilities and must live with the consequences. However, I do not feel that there is no path to reconciliation, but as you have repeatedly demonstrated and stated: The responsibility of saving the D/s relationship (and in this case the total relationship) lies squarely on the shoulders of the Dom. time to Dom up 🙂

    Once again, thank you for the resources as I continue to grow myself in this process.

    1. LawdogDom,

      I realize that you replied to this post 3 years ago and may not see this. However I have to say your comment hit so very close to home.

      I’m very new to this site and I am not in the bdsm lifestyle in any way. (Yet) I am however here because after 20+ years of marriage I finally gleaned what my wife has been wanting and I have failed to provide. Looking back I can see clearly all the times the signs were there. Recently things were said that clicked and putting pride aside I began to realize that I hadn’t been just going against my nature as I had been taught by society but I had been neglecting my wife’s needs. I know even now my wife has not fully realized what she wants vs what she thinks she wants but she has expressed those needs to me. The thing is in life I am a Dominant man. Every where I go people tend to respect me gravitate to me and seek my council. Yet because of the dynamic between myself and my wife my home life has never been such even with my children. As adults now they are seeing me in a new light and I am hopeful for those relationships to blossom.

      I digress; I came upon this site while searching for advice on being more dominant in my domestic relationship. Not really for a D/s relationship but the articles of Mr. Fox were so on point almost totally in tune with my natural instincts. The ability to channel couples communication into a loving and respectful direction floored me.

      I don’t know if we will ever venture into the bdsm realm or if my wife and I will even ever have sex again but the advice I am gleaning here gives me hope that I can fix our broken relationship. I can take a lot of the stress that has harmed my wife from her.

      So much of what I found online was not how to be dominant for the one you love. It was how to be domineering (read jerk) to get women. I have never been nor do I ever want to be domineering to any woman.

      Thank you for your comment it let’s me know I’m not alone.


      1. OGD,

        Welcome to husDOM!

        I am glad that your journey has brought you to our community. I learned shortly after beginning my own journey that at the root of my new found dynamic was a relationship. lk would say that the kink is just the icing…

        I congratulate you on your accomplishment to this point. You have come to realize how to be a better version of yourself and how to be the person that you really are, a leader…

        Best wishes

        Mr Fox

  4. Mr. Fox,

    Thank you. I am thoroughly enjoying reading your posts. In every one I’m finding ideas and ideals that can be utilized in even as you say a vanilla relationship like mine. Disregarding the sexual aspect at this time the mindset of love and respect and giving of oneself to your partner each in a very different way. The power dynamic is just so much more natural. I’m already seeing more respect and love from my wife. A reflection I have no doubt of my calmness and authority. I am finally allowing myself to be myself in our relationship. I’m no longer trying always to please her with what the media and society says she should want but I now know only causes her anxiety. Because I’m no longer fighting my own personality I no longer feel the need to be defensive! I no longer act like a child and withdraw or lash out. I no longer feel impotent within my marriage. I now am the man at home that I am in the world.

    Thank you again for your insight.


  5. To say that this post hits ‘close to home’ would be an understatement. I have lost the trust of my sub and she has also rescinded her gift to me. The situation I find myself in is 100% my doing. I didn’t properly apply myself to the dynamic and for that it has suffered. I don’t believe we are at an impasse, however the seas are choppy at the moment. So I find myself coming back to this site with the attention and drive to drag the Dom residing deep inside of me from the darkness out into the light, and to fulfill what my little rabbit has been asking for for years now.

    I look forward to this journey and I’m grateful for this community.

    Thank you Mr Fox

    1. Guardian,

      In the past few months, there have been a number of gentlemen with similar circumstances resurfacing at husDOM. You are not alone in your challenges. Taking ownership of your part and what effect that you have had on the situation is instrumental.

      Taking POSITIVE action is the key.

      It may feel uncomfortable to discuss your intimate relationship within the community but I assure you that you will find many of your own answers when you begin to openly discuss your situation as it really is.

      You have already overcome these two significant hurdles and are already on course to reclaiming your gift.

      I look forward to chatting with you soon.

      Mr Fox

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