I’m a Dom who has lost the respect of his sub and she has taken the gift back.
She may have lost confidence in your ability to lead.
That is one powerful statement! It is promising because you realize what you had, what you want, what you are, that her submission is truly a gift, and most importantly that you want to earn that gift back.
What has happened to you and your submissive is not that uncommon. A long term D/s-M relationship is relatively easy to begin and much more difficult to maintain and sustain. Many couples expect to read something on the internet and apply what they have read and get the expected results. It has consistently proven much more difficult than that for every couple that I have conversed with.
All of the methods she had used in the past to control and manipulate came back. My normal reaction to her trying to control is to shutdown and close myself off from this subtle control, and I let her take control back.
This is classic vanilla… It is common that early in a couple’s journey when partners become frustrated that they revert back to their old habits of being vanilla. These old habits didnt work for you when you were vanilla either that is why you both were so willing to try something different. If we were to break this down to its most basic elements it would be poor communication. When you began feeling that she was beginning to take control back instead of shutting down you should have communicated these feelings to her. I use what I refer to as downtime to communicate with my LK.
After I shut down and stopped doing BDSM and DD all together 3 weeks ago of course started to make her feel neglected, unwanted, and betrayed.
Communication… Right back to vanilla!
Her trust in my leadership is gone. She craves a BDSM relationship and I crave to lead but I’m clueless as to where to go from here.
You need to start from the beginning and create a sound D/s-M foundation…
Ask her to kneel at your side with her head on your lap and communicate. (downtime) Communicate to her exactly what you have told me. You clearly see what went wrong because you outlined it for me in your email, tell her what you see. Explain to her that you desire this type of relationship and that you see her submission as a gift. Explain to her that you felt as though she was topping from the bottom and that you shut down. Take responsibility and tell her that it was your lack of leadership that has gotten the two of you where you are at and that if she will allow you to be her Dominant you would like to earn her trust back. You know what to say. If she begins to talk… Stop talking and listen… Ask her follow up questions and listen…
A D/s relationship is still a relationship. Your shutting down and withdrawing isn’t going to work in a vanilla relationship and it obviously didn’t work in a D/s relationship either. The difference here is that you now recognize what you did wrong and have a strong desire to correct your mistake. In the vanilla relationship I bet you would have still thought it was all her fault.
Relationships are difficult and take a lot of patience. Hopefully your submissive will see that you strongly desire this lifestyle with her and will begin again.
The two of you should start from the beginning again and work on the fundamentals of a D/s relationship. It is essential to build a strong foundation in the beginning of your journey. As you two secure the proper foundation you will begin to understand and realize how to make it your own. Without the proper foundation the simplest of foul weather can bring down the entire structure.
Lost D/s Dynamic
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