submissive Mindset | D/s Married Couple

Mentoring other Dominants offers me a unique insight to kindred issues among us D/s-M Dominants regarding the lifestyle and our submissives.  A common topic recently has been the Dominant submissive mindset; How to transition from an everyday vanilla mindset to a submissive mindset or into a Dominant mindset.

submissive Mindset | Dominant Mindset

Most everyone will experience some sort of challenge in regard to transitioning from the vanilla mindset to a Dominant and submissive mindset prior to play.  For most of us it is unrealistic to believe that one minute we can be doing everyday vanilla type things and then just walk directly into a Dominance and submission BDSM scene and perform to our maximum potential.

When you have a 24/7 Dominance and submission relationship there will always be a certain level of control that is taking place between the Dominant and the submissive, even during what would appear as vanilla moments to others.  This behavior is already defined by a set of rules, rituals, discipline and punishments.  Even the most accomplished Dominant will use some sort of transition technique to allow his submissive time to transform into the proper submissive mindset before beginning a scene.

Bedroom Dominance and submission

Relationships that are defined more as bedroom only or bedroom Dominance and submission tend to have more difficulty performing a smooth transition into the proper submissive mindset.

Regardless of your particular situation the fundamentals for an easy transition into the proper submissive mindset are basically going to be the same.  In fact, if you were to utilize the same fundamentals in a straight vanilla relationship they would produce excellent results as well.

A successful Dominant will need to build up to the moment.   He can not take for granted that he can just take his submissive at anytime because she is his to take.  Remember the D/s circle that LK and I have frequently discussed, the Dominant is Dominant only because the submissive offers her submission to him and allows his Dominance.  The Dominant is fed by the submissive’s submission and the submissive is fed by the Dominant’s dominance.  If you are feeding only yourself as a Dominant and not feeding your submissive it will not take long before she will begin to seek nourishment elsewhere.  I am not suggesting that your wife or significant other would ever cheat on you but I am suggesting that if you do not take proper care of her she will begin to not desire pleasing you any longer and she will begin concentrating on her own pleasure.

You should always make your submissive feel special but make her feel extra special prior to a scene and begin early creating the proper submissive mindset.  I will often write my LK a quick note or letter outlining my expectations for our scene.  The letter lets her know that I am thinking about her and that I am actually making an effort and planning our time together.  This display of thoughtfulness may not seem significant to you as a Dominant but it is crucial for the submissive.  It gives her a feeling of importance and also allows her an opportunity to prepare herself for the scene both physically and psychologically.  My instructions usually involve items such as our bedding, clothes, hair and nails, room features etc…  There is never anything in my requests that would resemble any type of work or chore for her to complete prior to our scene.   My invitation is almost all about her and how she can accomplish certain things that will please me.

Her preparation for our time together begins days ahead of time and creating the proper submissive mindset begins.

I have written many things in the past regarding how I interact with my LK prior to a scene but this post is only going to focus on one of those items, kneeling.

In all of my correspondence to my LK prior to a scene I have given her specific instructions on when, where and how I would like her to be waiting for me prior to the scene beginning.  Usually, her position is to be seated on our leather ottoman located in our bedroom facing our bed at a certain time with her head and eyes gazed toward the floor.  My instructions will also provide many other details but let us just focus on the basic when, where and how for the time being.SUBKNEELINGONRUGSSPIOPT244

This kneeling technique for transitioning from a vanilla mindset to a submissive mindset can be utilized successfully both days in advance by using a letter or a note or it can be utilized ten minutes prior to a scene by simply instructing her to go and kneel as you desire and wait for you.  As your submissive kneels and waits for you she will begin to focus on her submission and on your Dominance.  Her mind will begin to leave the vanilla world behind and concentrate on her responsibilities.  It is here that the transition from vanilla to D/s begins to take place.

This moment of meditation creates the proper submissive mindset and provides the Dominant a wonderful opportunity to clear his mind as well and to begin concentrating on the task at hand.

A great technique to facilitate the transition from a vanilla mindset to a submissive mindset is to have your submissive kneel in a ready position and patiently wait for you to begin.

Remember to make your Dominance and submission lifestyle your own and do what works best for you and your submissive.  When I have my Little Kaninchen kneel on her knees for me it is typically for short periods of time or with her head resting on my lap .  We are no longer in our twenties and kneeling is not as easy for her today as it once was.   When I ask her to kneel for me for the sole purpose of creating the proper submissive mindset I want her to be comfortable and relaxed to where she can meditate and focus on her submission.  This place and position of relaxation (kneeling for submissive mindset) is on our ottoman in our bedroom, sitting down facing our bed with her hands generally folded in her lap eyes and head cast towards the floor.  My LK could sit comfortably on our ottoman all day.



Shutterstock Paid Images

Related Articles

HD008 – Rope Bondage – Marshall Bradford

We have the honor of having Marshall on our show today to talk about rope bondage. And to give us some pointers on where to get started in this art. We discussed things such as the different types of rope available, different diameters, and lengths of rope as well. Marshall will tell us what he prefers and why. He will also give us some starting points on putting together our first rope bondage kit, including some reputable places to purchase your rope.

Join me today as I talk with Marshall Bradford about rope bondage.

HD009 – 5 Behaviors that can Damage your D/s-M Relationship

I’m going to talk about 5 Behaviors that Can Sabotage your Relationship. Sure, there are probably many more behaviors than just five, right that have serious negative effects on your D/s-M relationship. But for today, I have narrowed it down to just five, I feel that the five negative behaviors that I’m going to discuss during this episode are quite common. It will be a productive conversation. Some of you will be able to directly relate to some of the discussion today and recognize areas that you may be able to level up in. And some of you may recognize some of the points and other relationships that you currently have. They could be within your family dynamic among friends, peers, colleagues, you name it. Join me today as I discuss the five behaviors that can sabotage your relationships. Relationships are challenging, right

HD010 – The Struggle is Real

If you have read any of my articles on You may have noticed a common thread. I usually archive my personal experiences, my personal struggles. I believe that it not only helps you listeners or the people reading the articles on I also believe that when I write it down, it helps me look at that situation from a different perspective. And that comes from actually trying to describe it to others put it into words put that situation into words. Well, today’s not much of a departure from what I’ve done in the past. Today, I’m going to talk about a struggle, and not just a struggle, right?   It’s much more personal for me. It’s about my struggle. I don’t want anyone to focus too much today on me and my struggle. Right?

The real lesson is that we all have ebbs and flows. Nobody is immune to that.

HD004 – How to work smarter not harder in your Married Dominance and submission relationship.

Work smarter, not harder, and you’re married dominance and submission relationship. The phrase work smarter, not harder. I’m sure we’ve all heard this before in our lifetime, it’s nothing new. What does it really mean? And how can we apply it to our everyday lives. I broken this topic down into three easy steps or guidelines.


  1. Husdom…. You are the best! Thanks for your continued contribution to my becoming the dominant that I desire to be. For us that desire this lifestyle you are more of a contribution than I think you could ever imagine. I hope this post lands as the sincere and powerful acknowledgement that I intend it to communicate.

    1. Just Me,

      Thank you for the sincere accolades that you have bestowed upon me. I am grateful for your acknowledgement of my efforts.

      In the beginning of our journey I could not find a single resource to help guide me to become the Dominant that I desired to be. A truly loving, gentlemanly Dominant that cherishes his submissive in a long term relationship. I had to make it my own, make it everything that I wanted it to be.

      I share my experiences so that they can be a beacon to those Dominants on a similar journey and help guide them when they are experiencing difficulties.

      And I thank you again for your comment today, I may have been losing sight of how many people are inspired or find value in my posts.

      Best wishes,

      Mr. Fox

      1. Mr. Fox,

        This post and your comment are older but I am new here so, please excuse that fact. However, I wanted to take a moment to thank you for sharing your approach to D/s-M with us.

        Were it not for your gentlemanly outlook and high regard for lk, I certainly would never have embarked on this journey with my lady. But, reading your posts has given me an entirely new outlook on what D/should look like in a loving, committed relationship. You truly are providing an invaluable resource for those of us shedding our vanilla skins and donning the top hat and cane of Dominance. Thank you.


        1. MasterofAngles,

          It truly is my pleasure helping other husbands transition into becoming great Dominants or husDOM’s if you will. It has grown into a genuine passion for lk and I. The feeling that we get when another couple succeeds in truly understanding the fundamentals of a D/s-M relationship has grown to be virtually priceless to us.

          “Were it not for your gentlemanly outlook and high regard for lk, I certainly would never have embarked on this journey with my lady. ”

          You and I may be cut of the same cloth. When I began this journey into the lifestyle I researched tirelessly for a resource that would help guide me along this journey. I couldn’t find anything out there that represented who I was, my values as a man or what I felt a heathy, loving, sustainable relationship should look like.

          I am truly honored that you can since my love and admiration for my lk.

          “shedding our vanilla skins and donning the top hat and cane of Dominance”

          This is such a great quote. I have a forum that I put great quotes from the community in. I posted this quote in that forum already.

          I very much look forward to chatting with you in the future.

          Welcome aboard,

          Mr Fox

  2. This. This is exactly what my Dom and I struggle with the most. Maintaining the roles in D/s outside of the bedroom. When we fall out of the roles due to vanilla life it causes an unexplainable amount of tension for me as the sub. I get resentful which appears to him as being un-submissive which in turn at times shuts down his dominance and the cycle continues. Thanks so much for writing this. I feel at least now I know what were are experiencing is part of the process in this. We have found very little information on how to fix this as most information is not geared towards D/s in marriage. We both want it but its been a lot tougher to maintain than we originally thought. Thanks for the insight~

    1. His Love,

      You are correct when you say that maintaining your roles outside of the bedroom while living within a vanilla world is difficult. This appears to be a difficult issue for almost all of us. LK’ wrote something about a roller coaster yesterday with its ups and its downs.

      As you both grow along your journey the ups and downs become less and less in severity and you will begin to settle into your roles more comfortably.

      Best wishes,

      Mr. Fox

  3. Wonderful post. Personally I have no problem maintaining a sub/slave mindset when out in public. It’s more natural for me than when being closed doors, for some reason. On the other hand, a lot of Dominants want the outside world to perceive them as being totally vanilla, which can make it difficult to feel connected in that way when in the vanilla world.

    1. Slave Mala,

      LK and I operate within a vanilla world most of the time. We have children and do not want to jeopardize any of their friendships due to our behavior or personal lifestyle.

      We have learned how to communicate with each other in the most vanilla of vanilla situations without anyone realizing that our D/s communication is even taking place.


      Mr. Fox

  4. My subMRS have spent a good deal of time this week in her Downtime sessions to discuss this. She was wanting the D/s in the bedroom when we started but quickly realized that she craved the lifestyle itself. I credit the resources on subMRS for that, as does my sub. We are trying to open up to the mindset more fully during our day. We are starting slow as it is easy to get overwhelmed with all the great information here. So it is just a few little things we do now.
    1. We try to use our D/s names no matter what context we are speaking to one another in. She calls me Sir. I call her Wench. She chose the name and she gets a little thrill about the thought of me calling her that in public. I accidentally sent a text to one of my sons instead of her the other day. Wench and I had a good little laugh about that later. We use them when we text each other throughout the day as well.
    2. She is not allowed to just start talking to me if I am in the middle of something. She waits for me to acknowledge her presence, and then asks for permission to speak. I always grant it.
    3. As Mr.Fox pointed out in his blog entry, I too give her instructions. It will take time to get this part fully fleshed out, but I try to be as thorough as I can with my expectations and give her some options for one or two things. For example, on Saturday night I told her I wanted her in a dress, but let her choose one that made her feel pretty.
    4. She has to ask for permission to touch me. This is hard for her. I only deny her as a form of punishment. The first time I denied her it surprised her but it did make her smile. She knew she was being punished for being a brat earlier.
    5. Throughout the day I will give her a small command. For example, I told her to go to the bedroom and kneel for me. I had her give me a few good licks and sucks and then let her go back to preparing supper. She left with a smile and was in the kitchen humming happily.
    6. When she has something she would like to discuss, and we don’t have Downtime scheduled, she will request it. I will not deny her.

      1. Thank you.

        We backed off when dealing with some of My Sweet Wench’s health concerns. This weekend we discussed it and we’ve both missed it. I do wonder if we would have maintained the dynamic if it would have helped manage the stress of the health tests, and the waiting, better. We still don’t know what is going on, but we have ruled out cancer. We are in the process of getting back in the groove now.

        1. MTJones,

          lk and I have you and your sweet wench in our prayers sir… We are very pleased to know that they have ruled out cancer. I can not even begin to know how much stress there must be while waiting on the test results.

          I am always here to discuss anything with you if you desire. I am not sure what I could possibly say but I could try my hand at listening…

          LK and I have had a short period that some medical issues effected our D/s as well. My initial response was to over compensate as a care giver, which in hindsight I feel may have been the wrong thing to do. I still could have been the care taker and maintained the lifestyle better. Which I am certain would have reduced some of the overall stress.

          Best wishes,

          Mr Fox

          1. Mr. Fox,
            Thank you, for both your prayers and your kind offer.

            Did you write on your experience and what you learned, or suspect about maintaining the lifestyle through something like this? Looking back I can see how our attitudes/moods slid as we backed off on the lifestyle. We did not slide all the way to not talking at all, but the communication was not what it was when we were intentional about living the lifestyle during the first couple of weeks of this ordeal. Of course, My Sweet Wench lost her bounce and her smile. I know I went dark, which is expected, but could have been much less. The consistency was comforting while we maintained it.

            I know we are not the only ones to deal with this kind of situation.

%d bloggers like this: