HD009 – 5 Behaviors that can Damage your D/s-M Relationship

SUMMARY KEYWORDS

relationship, partner, dominance, dominant, communication, domineering, leader, communicate, downtime, reactive, flogger, emotion, comment, behaviors, constant reassurance, confidence

SPEAKERS

Mr Fox 

00:01

5-4-3-2-1-0 All engine running liftoff, we have a liftoff

Mr Fox   00:27

Welcome, everybody. This is Mr. Fox and you are listening to the husDOM Become a Dominant Leader Podcast. In today’s episode, I’m going to talk about 5 Behaviors that Can Sabotage your Relationship.  Sure, there are probably many more behaviors than just five, right that have serious negative effects on your D/s-M relationship. But for today, I have narrowed it down to just five, I feel that the five negative behaviors that I’m going to discuss during this episode are quite common. It will be a productive conversation. Some of you will be able to directly relate to some of the discussion today and recognize areas that you may be able to level up in. And some of you may recognize some of the points and other relationships that you currently have. They could be within your family dynamic among friends, peers, colleagues, you name it. Join me today as I discuss the five behaviors that can sabotage your relationships. Relationships are challenging, right? How to have a close and meaningful relationship with your partner is not something that most of us, or probably any of us were ever taught in school. And some of us have few if any good role model simulate, it’s been said that how we behave in our intimate relationships today is often a reflection of our parents, and how they behave towards one another, and their relationship. This statement will vary from individual to individual, but for myself, in some instances, at least, it’s alarmingly accurate. Through the years I’ve demonstrated many of the same marital blunders as my father. My father is not to blame, however, either as his father or his father’s father. And if you’re in a similar situation, your father is not at fault either. Remember, most of us have never been specifically taught how to have a successful and fulfilling marriage, including your father. Powerful relationships don’t just happen by chance. And the couples living them don’t take them for granted. They’re fully present in the relationship 100% of the time, and they have learned the skills that are required to succeed in a relationship. When you see a married couple that has a healthy, meaningful relationship, the odds are if their happiness is authentic, that they will have many other powerful relationships in their lives as well, is almost as if they have cracked the code on relationship skills. If you’re listening to this podcast, you’re most likely here learning or honing those very skills never taught us anywhere else. Those skills that are required to have a successful, meaningful and purposeful relationship. Understanding the most common behaviors that damage or sabotage a relationship can be a good first step to having a powerful lasting marriage. See how many of these behaviors seem familiar either in yourself or your partner? Which ones of these do you excel at? And which ones should you focus more attention on? Let’s get started. Before we dive into this list, I do want to mention that these five behaviors that I came up with, they’re not in any type of order of importance. But I will say that number one, we’re going to start with proper communication, right? Proper communication reigns high on the list. And I would say if I was putting them in order, this might be number one. Poor communication habits will drain a relationship over time. This can include everything from not mentioning those little things that get on your nerves to just not communicating in a meaningful way on a regular basis. One might tell themselves something like Well, what I say will just upset my partner, so I’m better off just not saying anything. Have you ever thought that to yourself? Have you ever heard somebody say that to you? I’ve heard that a lot. I’ve heard guys say that to me, and I’m like why? You don’t really believe that, do you? They might say something like, I don’t need to say those things out loud. My partner knows how I feel. And what I mean. Again, really, do you believe that? Do you know how your partner always feels, and everything that they mean? The quality of our communication is what ultimately is going to determine how close we as a couple stay over time. On Hassan, we’re always talking about downtime. Downtime is the code word, right? It’s the code word for proper communication on just about every single level. We call it downtime. It can be used to communicate about specific topics to general conversations. It is also used as a regularly scheduled event, as well as an impromptu in the moment type conversation, and everything in between. If you don’t know about downtime, you can read about the meaning of downtime and what it means and a married dominance and submission relationship on has dom.com. Here are three communication hacks to be aware of. One, avoid fighting via text, right? Like this should go without saying and we all know that we shouldn’t do it. However, with that said, a lot of us get trapped in this rabbit hole. As we grow more and more accustomed to using our phones for everything and day to day life. Some have adopted using their favorite mobile device to bicker or even argue with their partners. It’s almost like wait a minute, I have an app for that. This is especially common with couples that are frequently apart, they could be apart while working, having different schedules separated by distance. In some instances, though that distance can be as small as the kitchen to the bedroom. No matter the cause for the separation. This is a dangerous practice. For many reasons, we are all a little bolder than we would normally be. Well texting is a lot easier to find the courage to toss out an inflammatory comment, when we’re frustrated, and you aren’t standing in front of the other person. We aren’t physically present to take ownership of the actual carnage that we just manifested. Oftentimes, we’ll even lie to the other person and maybe even to ourselves and say something like, Well, I didn’t mean it that way. You took it wrong. Whether you really didn’t mean it that way. Or that was how a comment was said or not. Right? We all need to take ownership for those words that we choose, and when and how we’re using them. This is emotional intelligence, right? This is the ability to understand to interpret and to respond to the emotions of others, we can’t cop out, we’ve taken the leadership role. It is also easy to misinterpret what someone is saying or what they mean when you can’t hear or see them. What’s that old adage, communication is only 7% verbal and 93% nonverbal, right, that nonverbal would be body language, vocal variety, tone of their voice inflection of their voice. And that statistic, and that study in which it was manifested has been under a lot of scrutiny for many years. And I’m not going down that rabbit hole just now either. But I think we can all agree that the written word is one of the worst ways to effectively communicate, I believe that it is reasonable to say, and that most of you would probably agree with me that the written word is not the best medium for communication. In a relationship. It may be an amazing way to communicate in books, legal contracts, and other things of that nature. But in relationships, we’re two people to emotional human beings are involved. Nothing is going to be sitting down face to face, or in some instances the proper position of downtime, and having or conducting an actual in person conversation. No matter how difficult that conversation may be. In fact, the more difficult or uncomfortable the conversation, the more arguably that conversation needs to take place in person. The next communication hack would be never expect the other person to figure out what’s bothering you. Right okay calls that the crystal ball syndrome. This is a common challenge in many relationships. No matter how much the other person loves you, or how long the two of you have been together, or how many children that you may have together. Your partner can not read your mind. When you create expectations or layout subtle hints that you believe your partner should be able to figure out, you’re setting both you and your partner up for failure. No matter how obvious the situation may be to you, your partner has almost zero chance of meeting your unset expectations. Think about it for a minute. They don’t even know that there’s a riddle to be solved, yet you are expecting them to solve it. Take responsibility for your happiness, and your need fulfillment. And let your partner know what you need. What you expect. Your partner wants you to be happy as well. And we’ll do what they can to fulfill your needs. If they are communicated properly. Most submissives live for the opportunity to please their dominance, right. But again, they can’t read your mind. They can’t interpret subtle clues without communicating your expectations. Clearly, do not shy away from asking for what you need, or asking for what you want in this dynamic. And finally, the last communication hack that I have for you guys today is avoidance. Some people like to give the silent treatment to their partner when they feel annoyed. Maybe when they feel wronged, they will often justify the silent treatment as a way of avoiding conflict, or de escalating the situation. De escalating a conflict is not accomplished by avoiding or ignoring the situation or the other person. Avoiding the other person will not do anything other than escalate the situation even further. And it also undermines the core fundamentals of the relationship by weakening the foundation. Our foundations and DSM are honesty, communication, trust, respect, intimacy. We also talk about generosity, and flexibility and in grace. Over time, your partner will become more resentful and less interested in resolving the issue. Avoidance creates a space a space between the two partners. Given enough time and repetition, this space that I talked about will grow too large to bridge the gap. When tensions are high, and you find yourself needing to take a minute to collect your thoughts before responding to a comment or a situation. That space you’re creating is not avoidance. That space is wise. It is the difference between being responsive or being reactive. We should all take a minute and think before we speak, especially when our feelings and tensions are already elevated. There should never be a problem with asking for a moment to yourself, maybe even suggesting that you meet up later and talk about it. Take a deep breath. Consider the situation at hand. Not just from your perspective, but from her perspective as well. This calm consideration will enable you to control your emotions and deliver a thoughtful response are you like me? Do you find floggers sexy and as a symbol of dominance in the bedroom? Do you want to purchase a quality flogger, but don’t know what you really want or what you really need. Are you wondering what makes a quality flogger and how you know exactly what you are purchasing and why Fox and Hare floggers prides themselves on handcrafting the ultimate flogger experience for both the top and the bottom. These luxurious vloggers are designed with purpose. A fox and Hare flogger is much more than just beautiful. They have done extensive research on what attributes give a flogger maximum consistency and performance. Check out these magnificent floggers on Fox and hare.com today. Number two on my lists will be insecurity. For a dominant insecurity in a relationship is a killer. And I should even say for a dominant insecurity and anything is a killer. When the leader is plagued by anxiety and worry, everyone is affected. Imagine if when you were a child, your father was nervous. He was anxious or uncertain all of the time. If that were the case, would you feel safe? Would you feel secure? Or would you feel like no one was really in control? Visualize the CEO of your company appearing to be apprehensive, fearful and uneasy. How would that make you feel as an employee Someone whose livelihood was dependent on that CEO in his leadership. This lack of confidence is not only unattractive, it will begin to undermine the confidence that others have in you. And like a disease, it will begin to negatively affect the confidence of others around you. Your partner cannot trust in you as a leader, if they doubt your confidence in yourself. Insecurity can manifest itself in many ways. Are you frequently jealous? This can include your partner’s close friends, maybe previous relationships? Do you analyze everything your partner says and does for some sign that they’re losing interest in you or losing interest in your relationship, any constant reassurance that everything is okay. You spend more time worried about the stability of your relationship than you do actually enjoying your relationship. Growing your relationship. If you have a lot of insecurity in relationships, consider addressing your levels of self confidence and self esteem. Number three, a need for unchecked control. Do you feel the need to control every aspect of your relationship? No one likes to be dominated day in and day out. Not even a submissive. There’s a substantial difference between dominance and domineering. dominance is a position of leadership within a relationship. A person that is in control of not just others, but also in control of himself. A dominant is a person of influence a leader, a leader that has the best interests of those in his charge at the forefront of his mind. People want to support and follow a good leader. domineering is when someone asserts their control over another in an arrogant way. They’re hungry for the control and not concerned about the other person or the other person’s welfare. Being domineering is a selfish act. Ask yourself why you feel the need to control everything about your relationship, and your partner. Micromanaging doesn’t work in the workplace, and it doesn’t work at home. In your relationship. It tells your partner that you don’t trust or respect them. Unchecked control is commonly camouflaged as caretaking, taken to the extreme. But caring for the other person isn’t the real purpose. The real purpose would be control. You can be in control without being controlling. Number four, being reactive. A reaction is instantaneous, like a reflex. It’s driven by our unconscious mind also by our beliefs, our biases and our prejudices. Have you ever said something without thinking almost like a reflex? A reaction? That is your unconscious mind speaking, that reaction is based in the moment and doesn’t take into consideration long term effects of what you do and what you say. We often react without understanding the other person’s perspective. being reactive is usually emotion driven. It’s usually aggressive. It often fuels disagreement. It weakens you, as a leader and your position of leadership. It’s not who speaks first, that is the wisest man in the room, right. It will be what you say and how you say it. It also puts your partner on the defensive. So in other words, do not react aggressively. Do not react without thinking about the other person first. Do not react without being aware. Aware of the entire situation. Gather some intel gather some intel on the situation first, gain some insight gain some perspective before you respond. Do not react when you’re angry or driven by emotion. Do not react when you do not need to. A reactive comment may turn out all right, and sometimes they do. But all too often, especially in a relationship especially with passion. A reactive comment will be the spark that ignites the flame. The other person may not even say a word or give any indication at all that they’ve been hurt or that they are angry. They may simply walk away with resentment. And that resentment may continue to materialize unchecked until one day. They just seem to explode. Know the final straw will snap someday, without any known cause. And finally, number five, assuming the role of the martyr, nice guys often assume this role, they mistakenly believe that if they sacrifice enough in the name of their partner’s happiness, that they will eventually get what they need in the end. This is a cop out, gentlemen, it’s an excuse in the making, that will eventually be leveraged against your partner by you. At some point in this relationship. No one is expecting you, or wanting you to sacrifice anything in a relationship. Relationships are not about sacrifice. They are about abundance and growth for both people involved. Each person helping the other achieve heights that wouldn’t be possible without the other. It’s synergy. Your partner wants your happiness as much as you want and deserve it. Over time being the martyr in a relationship leads to a level of resentment that can never be satisfied. Alright, guys, those conclude my five behaviors that can sabotage your relationship. So take a look at your own relationship and be completely honest with yourself. Can you identify which if any of these areas, maybe you can make improvements? And what adjustments can you make today to enhance and forge a better, a stronger marriage? Life is a journey. And with that comes constant change. Doesn’t matter how old we are, or how long we’ve been with our partner. We are learning and evolving every single day. In summary, we have gone over quite a bit here today. So let’s wrap this up with a quick review. First, don’t blame yourself for not being the perfect partner in your relationship. No one is perfect. What sets us apart from others, US dominance US leaders is that we recognize this, and we accept it. We wake up every day eager to learn and become better. We are always striving for excellence. It seems a little crazy. But in our society today, we need to actually make an effort to seek out and learn how to lead in a relationship and learn how to have a successful marriage. Yes, it takes a skill to have a successful fulfilling relationship. We need to learn and constantly work on this skill throughout all of the stages of our relationships. Poor communication will drain a relationship dry communication is happening every second of every day, whether we realize it or not. Everything that you do, everything that you say the way that you say it, the tone, the inflection of your voice, even the way you position yourself, and your posture, your body language. Everything is communicating something to someone. Think about it for a minute. Even if you’re the guy in the room that doesn’t say a word, you’re communicating something, look into downtime, what it is and how to use it and create a structure within your relationship that will enable proper communication like DSM. We weren’t born with the skill and most likely were never taught how to communicate properly. This is not an excuse, but rather the reality and maybe the catalysts to motivate you to level up on your communication skills. They’re important in every single facet of your life. And most important in your marriage as the dominant and the leader, proper communication is your responsibility. Own it as a submissive in the supportive position. Communication is your responsibility as well. Take that responsibility. Today we also talked about insecurity, insecurity and dominance are opposing words by nature. You cannot be a dominant if you’re insecure, if you’re anxious if you’re unsure of yourself. dominance is about self assuredness, self confidence. And this isn’t about faking it or fronting your confidence. It has to be genuine and authentic self confidence. Are you jealous? Do you as a dominant do you need constant reassurance that you are doing everything? Correct? Are you indecisive Making decisions is difficult. Here’s one, do you beat yourself up after a failure or a setback? If so, consider joining or becoming part of a group. A group of like minded individuals, where you can share your thoughts you can share your ideas. It is also powerful to learn what others are doing in similar situations, and how they are holding themselves accountable to overcome similar issues. I can’t say enough about the benefits of peer to peer communication and learning. Today we also discussed unchecked control. Are you a dominant man? Or are you a domineering man? A dominant man exhibits self control and self discipline. While a domineering man has no self control, he’s a slave to his vices and his appetite. It’s all about him, how things affect him, how he feels, how he thinks. domineering men also generally have vices, maybe they overeat, maybe they smoke, maybe they drink too much. Maybe they spend all their time watching TV, or on social media. A dominant man is patient, yet relentless. A domineering man expects instant gratification. He expects submission. Most of the time undeserving. A dominant man leads by example, he radiates confidence, good humor and wisdom. While a domineering man tries to bully and manipulate others, he does not listen or take his submissives thoughts or her perspective in mind, he blames others for all of his difficulties. We also talked about being reactive. being reactive to anything in life will seldom produce positive results. Controlling your emotion is also a skill. Skills are not something that we’re born with. Rather, they are something that we develop something that we hone that we sharpen. The next time you feel your blood pressure rise and your face get flushed, take a few short seconds and consider how you are going to react. It may not even be something that upsets you. You may have a clever or crass comment flash into your mind. Ask yourself, how do you want to show up. And finally, we talked about assuming the role of the martyr, assuming the role of the martyr could have you inadvertently abdicate responsibility for your own happiness. When you behave like a martyr, you give your power away, including the power to solve your own problems, and to learn new ways of responding to your own feelings and your emotions. If there were some things that we covered here today, that you feel that you could work on to be a better man, a better father, a better friend, a better colleague, a better husband, better leader, a better dominant, has domme. Don’t beat yourself up. That is actually a good thing. I haven’t met a single man that can’t find tune or trim has sale. And I suspect I never will take ownership for where you are. There is no one to blame for any one of the skills that you want to enhance not your father, not the school system, not your friends or family. No one, not even you. blaming anyone, including yourself is not serving you in any healthy or positive manner. accept it. Accept where you’re at. Accept yourself for what it is and for what you are. Whatever the issue is, identify it, own it, make a plan and take action