This should go without saying but I believe that it is worth addressing as a refresher to everyone.

Alcohol and drugs have no place in a D/s lifestyle.  

Just as we all know that we should not drink and operate a motor vehicle plenty of people among us still do.  Often times we feel as though we have only had a drink or two and that we are fine, still in control.  This is exactly what alcohol does, and to be quite honest, the reason that so many of us like to partake in it; alcohol reduces anxiety.  This very anxiety is also the root of some of our natural instincts that keep us out of trouble by giving us that sixth sense or intuition.  No matter your size, physical condition or your prior conditioning to alcohol consumption or drug usage you will be impaired by just one drink.DOMANDSUBINBEDROOMSSPIOPT989

I am not advocating for a minute that you choose to abstain from making another toast with your friends or loved ones because you are in a D/s relationship.  I am suggesting that there will be certain activities that you may want to avoid while you have been drinking.  You shouldn’t have to consider selling your car because you are going to have a few drinks this weekend, just do not elect to drive it.  The same type of consideration should be given to your D/s relationship.  No one would suggest that you forfeit your Dominance and submission relationship or abstain from having sex after you decide to have a drink.

Little Kaninchen and I schedule our scenes days if not weeks ahead of time  allowing me to carefully attend to every detail.  We will not even have a single drink prior to a scene!  We will occasionally have sex after a few drinks but never a scene.  I refer to our sex that is not a scene as vanilla with a twist.; there is simply nothing vanilla about us or our sex any longer.

Another consideration in a D/s relationship is drinking and punishments.  I will not punish LK while I have been drinking or while I am angry, not after just one drink.  If there is an infraction that at the time I feel would justify a punishment I will acknowledge it and we will discuss it the following day.  There are studies that link alcohol use to outward displays of anger or aggression especially in people that are already prone to aggressive behavior.

Alcohol and drugs will effect a submissive during play in several negative ways.  

DOMDRINKINGSSPIOPT231

 

The following is not meant to be a conclusive list but rather a quick illustration regarding some of the more prevalent effects of alcohol and drug use during BDSM play.

  • Poor Communication – Effective Communication is a pillar of a strong D/s foundation.  While under the influence of drugs or alcohol there is a much greater opportunity for miscommunication and misunderstandings especially if one is already influenced by outside vanilla influences.  It only takes a few words to significantly damage the trust in a newly formed D/s-M relationship.
  • Reduces Anxiety – During a scene the Dominant may be trying to effect the submissive by inducing a flood of endorphin’s into the blood stream in order to get the submissive into subspace.  If the submissive’s natural fight or flight mindset is altered due to alcohol she may not be able to reach subspace and the Dominant may increase the amount of stimulation trying to drive the submissive to the desired state causing injury.
  • Loss of control.
  • Increased Tolerance to Pain – The submissive may not recognize when real damage is being inflicted upon her body.
  • Unintended Consequences – Loss of judgment allowing the submissive to do something that she would not normally allow or do.

Alcohol and drugs will effect a Dominant during play in several negative ways.  

  • Poor Communication – Effective Communication is a pillar of a strong D/s foundation.  While under the influence of drugs or alcohol there is a much greater opportunity for miscommunication and misunderstandings especially if one is already influenced by outside vanilla influences.  It only takes a few words to significantly damage the trust in a newly formed D/s-M relationship.
  • Reduces Anxiety – During a scene the Dominant may be trying to affect the submissive by inducing a flood of endorphin’s into the blood stream in order to get the submissive into subspace.  If the submissive’s natural fight or flight mindset is altered due to alcohol she may not be able to reach subspace and the Dominant may increase the amount of stimulation trying to drive the submissive to the desired state causing injury.
  • Loss of Control –
  • Increased Tolerance of Pain – The Dominant may increase the normal level of impact trying to achieve the same results that he may normally get with a lesser impact when alcohol is not involved.
  • Unintended Consequences – Loss of judgment allowing the Dominant to do something that he would not normally allow or do.
  • Strength – A Dominant my not realize his own strength or the actual intensity level in which he is operating.  This will be compounded with the submissive being impaired and not exhibiting her normal reaction to the level of intensity being inflicted on her.
  • Judgement – Judgement is all inclusive with every decision, activity and action that you make during a scene.    The ability to recognize bad situations as they develop.   The ability to recognize submissive’s pleasure vs pain is greatly reduced.  The ability to recognize when the submissive’s restraints are too tight inhibiting proper circulation.  These are only a few examples of the many things that could be effected by poor judgement, again it is all inclusive in everything that you do.
  • May push too far by not recognizing the submissive’s true physical or psychological state of mind.  The submissive’s common subtle reactions, moans, sweat etc..  will be influenced by her reaction to the drugs or alcohol.
  • Judgement – You may begin to believe that you know better than your submissive by trying to push her limits to new heights.
  • You may become focused on yourself or your own actions, goals or gratification and become completely unaware of your submissive’s physical or psychological state.
  • Reduced Effective Decision Making Skills –

You may feel as though you are in complete control but your ability to control yourself or your submissive is greatly diminished.  If you were thinking that alcohol will eliminate or reduce the awkward feeling that you experience prior to a scene it very well may but at an unsafe and substantial price.

Be a responsible Dominant and do not use or allow your submissive to use any drugs or alcohol prior to scenes/play!

 

Alcohol Drugs BDSM Lifestyle

 

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23 Comments
  1. Buck/AMB 5 years ago

    Another good post Mr. Fox, definitely food for thought. As alpha males we think we can handle anything that comes our way, including handling a few drinks.

    As a side note adding the word comment to submit helps.

    Buck

    • Author

      Buck,

      Thank you for reading my latest post…

      I realize that it is not an exciting sexual D/s post, however, it was a badly needed one!

      Best wishes,

      Mr Fox

  2. Mr. P 5 years ago

    Good talking with you last night. Well said.

    • Author

      Mr P,

      The pleasure was all mine!

      I look forward to getting to your neck of the woods soon! Hopefully, you will be there…

      Best wishes,

      Mr Fox

  3. Mr. B 5 years ago

    Great post Mr. Fox! It is a great reminder for all of us husDoms….drinkers or not.

    I agree with Buck on adding comment to submit. Nice job

    Take care!
    Mr B

  4. Blaik 5 years ago

    Words for the wise as usual Mr. Fox.

  5. little kaninchen 5 years ago

    Sir we all live and learn.. Sometimes we forget the most Dom/sub-common sense things
    and a reminder is a great idea…

    AMS,

    LK

    • Author

      My dearest LK!

      I like discovering your little bunny tracks on my website…

      A reminder is a great idea indeed!

      I will be home in a few days LK, prepare yourself!

      With kind affection,

      Mr Fox

  6. ProfessorTaboo 5 years ago

    Similar to what we learned in primary school, the department of motor vehicles, and a plethora of TV commercials, operating a BDSM “scene” or being a bottom/sub in a scene, under the influence of specific substances is quite literally ASKING for permanent damage, even lethal consequences. Though one would think it is common sense, it must be stated repeatedly. In BDSM, because the lifestyle has only recently become a fad/trend over the last 5, 10, or more years, there are MANY newbies who internally have inhibitions and seek forms of fear-release. Alcohol and drugs are an easy facilitator but with all sorts of risk and consequences!

    Having years experience in the field of professional A&D treatment and counseling, I’ve learned that if ‘mood-enhancers’ are abused that is an indication of internal conflict and demons that sooner or later MUST be confronted and dealt with. Otherwise, they rear their horrible ugly heads in the most severe ways, to put it mildly.

    A needed post/reminder Sir. Thank you!

    • Author

      Professor Taboo,

      “because the lifestyle has only recently become a fad/trend over the last 5, 10, or more years”

      When I process this statement I realize how accurate that it really is. Years ago those who were into BDSM or D/s were definitely going against the grain or social acceptance. I would not be so bold as to say that BDSM or D/s are a sociably acceptable practice today but the trend has certainly been trending toward acceptability of the lifestyle and after the positive reception of Fifty Shades, BDSM now is better known throughout every household, not completely accepted but at least people are more aware.

      The terms that you chose to use, “fad” and “trend”, have resonated with me this morning. If couples that are entering the lifestyle are desiring a long term change than they should realize that D/s is a lifestyle and not a trend. D/s will be difficult and challenging but the rewards are worth the effort. If either party is entering into D/s with the mindset that it is just a fad or a trend rather than a complete lifestyle change they have already sabotaged the relationship, they are not committed. In their mind D/s is just a temporary fashion.

      You are always thought provoking Sir!

      With kindest regards,

      Mr Fox

  7. Xajow 5 years ago

    A good post. Too often people forget or simply do not realize that alcohol is not a stimulant but a depressant. It does not enhance the senses. It lessens them. D/s and BDSM scenes require sober judgement. A Dominant should never forget that. And in a scene a Dominant should always be self-aware. Alcohol and other drugs can, and usually do, interfere with that.

    Which is not a teetotaler message. Alcohol and other drugs may be enjoyed for pleasure. But know what they do and know when not to use them. Consider them tools for pleasure. And consider at the same time the rule of thumb: the right tool for the right job. An intoxicant is not the right tool for BDSM.

    Probably there are some dirty jokes one could now make, but I will leave that for others.

    • Author

      Xajow,

      I like the term ” self aware”, that is a good descriptor. It may be easier to find your courage when you have been drinking but your self awareness is certainly effected as well. The newly found courage is a good sign that your judgment has been inhibited.

      Kindest regards,

      Mr Fox

  8. little kaninchen 5 years ago

    I luv champagne…. But only one glass before play!

    LK

  9. forcefullyhers 4 years ago

    As new new player this brings new light, to always be in complete control and to never be impair in any way during a scene. Thank you Mr. Fox

  10. Newfire 4 years ago

    Just found this site and became a member right away because I could have used this post a week ago. Being a new member of the D/s world I figured a couple drinks would help me in the areas that I feel I am struggling in….I was wrong. It ruined the whole scene, in the end I disregarded rules set and made a fool of myself and almost ruined this new found joy my wife and I are experiencing. Luckily my wife and I sat down the next day and discussed that alcohol is no longer acceptable on scene nights and plan on continuing our new found lifestyle. Thank you for the wisDOM and I look forward to being a member of this community!

  11. LawdogDom 3 years ago

    Debating whether to share this or not, but I feel it is an important, even vital topic and may help someone else out. So here it goes and with the respect of the anonymity of this site, I will add a slightly different point of view:

    As a recovering alcoholic, I can NOW see how the abuse of alcohol over the years completely eroded any ability for me to be the Dom my sub needed.

    I would like to briefly reference professor taboo:
    Having years experience in the field of professional A&D treatment and counseling, I’ve learned that if ‘mood-enhancers’ are abused that is an indication of internal conflict and demons that sooner or later MUST be confronted and dealt with. Otherwise, they rear their horrible ugly heads in the most severe ways, to put it mildly.”

    In my own personal journey, without gong into too many details, I will say that the internal demons, the internal character defects, the insecurities and doubts, the feelings of not being good enough as example must be dealt with in healthier /honest ways than relying on substances for numbing/masking or avoiding emotions. and if you think those words sound un-Domlike, then continue reading because it gets worse.

    See, a part of you recognizes that you are not in control, that you are having to rely on something else to get by…and so it begins by starting to lie to ourselves…that everything is fine… its okay and you won’t get that bad… but at some point, your brain and body have crossed a line. and once that line is crossed, you have become powerless over alcohol (or insert or addictive things) and your life has become unmanageable (sometimes in little ways/sometimes in big ways). And if you are honest with yourself, you realize that you are not being the person you thought you would be… But as i said honesty can be scary and so the first lies are to ourselves. And then we justify and find reasons to make sens of why we drink so much… etc.

    And the second lies start coming out… the ones to the spouse… to our sub who needs us to be strong, safe, secure… a haven for her to submit to. And we lie and hide it as best we can, because deep down, we KNOW that this is not what she needs, but somehow cant figure out how to make it stop…. so we make promises to change… we stop drinking for a while… we get home on time for a while… they become our priority again… for a while. And then we start slipping up… and rather than taking ownership of that and seek corrective action (as a Dom would/must in the d/s relationship), the shame owns us and so we cope the way we know how… mask, hide, avoid. and thus we perpetuate a cycle of lies and dishonesty to ourselves and our spouse. and eventually, the spouses, knowing something is wrong, something is missing… Both partners are completely miserable….and then one determines (as a sub)the only solution where she can be SAFE is to leave.

    relationships are based on mutual respect and mutual trust. A D/s relationship even more so. This is in part why I am drawn to this community so much. I recognize now how much I was suppressing my desire to be Dominant even while I had a Sub wife! the irony.

    Yet if you do not respect yourself, if you are not able to b honest with yourself, and if you cannot love yourself, you cannot truly respect, be honest with, or love your spouse. that is the danger of substances. I remember thinking it was too hard to work out.. it was too much work for sex… WTF? Where had my self-confidence, my self respect, my sense of life that first attracted my wife to me disappear? — into a bottle.

    Somehow everything else became subjected to my love of alcohol and external (work, friends, etc)relationships and instant gratification rather than the true love and affection of a truly awesome wife. when you one day wake up to the fact of how messed up your priorities and life had been… you either continue down that bad to emptiness and oblivion, or you aggressively work to transform your life.

    This is why I am here. See everything on this site resonates so strongly… it is another link to the direction I need to go in my life. It is not the total solution, understand, but augments the other changes….

    i.e… the not drinking, lying, not making her and the family a priority these are all things that have to happen for any type of relationship with her to have a chance… but they are ESSENTIAL in a D/s relationship. Trust, total honesty,communication, and love are the foundation to not only living a sober life, but also a great D/s life. in fact there are many Recovery in the Lifestyle groups. I actually found one here locally.

    And with that, I would like to again extend my thanks to Mr Fox and this community. whether it works out with my wife or not, I know that this is helping me get on a better path toward being a better person, a better man, a better Dom, and hopefully the opportunity to be a husDom that I could have been/would love to be.

    with Gratitude,
    LDD

    • ProfessorTaboo 3 years ago

      Lawdog,

      First, I want to say I’m very pleased with your honesty here (in this comment) AND being honest with yourself! Sometimes that/our Ego is the biggest “demon” to tame. Now, when I use the term Ego, I’m not referring to self-confidence & self-esteem; both of those aspects can be very healthy while still remaining humble! What I’m referring to is that SELFISH Ego… the one they call ego-centric, that sucks the life and energy out of people without putting back or giving back. See the difference?

      Second, I want to give some advise from a lengthy background in Psych/A&D therapy-counseling. You are indeed correct that many in “recovery” or in psych therapy do indeed find a Safe Playground of Therapy in our lifestyle. In fact, MANY licensed professionals go so far as to say… ‘SSC BDSM’ers are some of the most mentally & emotionally stable people in society — because the lifestyle DOES often offer & provide non-discriminatory, non-judgemental support WITHIN a disciplined safe environment.’ So… to the “Why” you find such resonance here, is quite true. All of us are perverts! 😉 Hahaha.

      That said, I must also tell you that you STILL need to be involved in regular professional treatments — whatever that may be — outside of dungeons, munches (get-togethers), etc. A good, enjoyable SSC BDSM Community cannot provide ALL THINGS you need. However, we are a very nice compliment to your ‘professional’ A&D activities.

      Does all this make sense?

      Warmly,
      Professor T

      • LawdogDom 3 years ago

        Perfect sense. never saw this as a replacement, but an adjunct support group. And not really an area I would feel the most comfortable with my normal therapist discussing, nor bringing any of these issues up in an AA meeting. Thank you for taking the time to discuss this. I look forward to future conversations.

  12. Mr. Brown 3 years ago

    Well written, well said. As a sober D/s couple we couldn’t agree more. I could never emagen ever getting to this point in our marriage or the this lifestyle if Me and her were still drinking.

    • LawdogDom 3 years ago

      Mr. Brown,
      Thank you for your words of encouragement. almost 7 months now… and I am so thankful and grateful to have found this. The relationship is still up in the air, but I am where I need to be. I would be interested in learning more about your own journey in a private message/discussion at some point. Thanks again.

  13. BlackLaceLizzie 9 months ago

    Is there any way I can read this article on Fetlife? I would like to share this with my Lifestyle organization. I feel it is very poignant of a situation I witnessed over the weekend.

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