Memberat 12:34 pmBasic | Dominant
New to the site, and new to taking a serious look at D/s as a lifestyle. Married 18 years, teenage kids, and starting to look towards the rest of our life. I haven’t been unhappy, but I haven’t been fulfilled either. I’m certain she would say the same. I’m about 1 year in on some personal changes that have been mostly internal, getting my thoughts and attitudes in check, setting some personal goals for my own reasons, and working at trying to be less of a people-pleaser at my own expense.
I care deeply about my wife, and over the years, I have created pain and scars that have caused her to put up walls. I have been working at getting those walls to come down, but she is incapable of doing it herself. Everywhere she looks, she sees all the reasons they are up in the first place. My blatant attempts to work on these areas have always been met with resistance, despite her acknowledgements.
I am working on becoming more assertive, with her and in general, and still have a long way to go in making my own wants/needs known. I’ve dug a pretty deep rut that I am now trying to climb out of. And I know that I brought her down into the rut with me, and it has impacted almost every area of our lives.
I’m interested in the idea of this lifestyle because it seems to formalize the Christian principles of husband’s headship and leadership that I am working on demonstrating and implementing, while also instilling the wife’s submission principles. I’m hoping to remove years of resentment on her part for my lack of leadership and restore those initial freedoms we once had. I’m also hoping that this will result in those walls coming down, more freedom and connection within our marriage, and perhaps even a more freeing experience in the bedroom as well.
My biggest dilemma at this point is that I am trying to understand what this type of relationship looks like in practice on any given day. Most of everything I have read describes what it looks like in the bedroom. But I work from home and we are around each other all day, every day. My actions, and her reactions, go a long way in setting the stage for everything else. I want to learn how to manage all of this in a comprehensive manner that is coherent, congruent, and brings us to the destination that I am shooting for. If I can get a solid idea of what I want in my own head, then I am confident I can get us there. But right now, it is a fuzzy picture, not a clearly defined goal…
Memberat 6:17 amPremium Content | Through the Eyes of a husDOM™
Welcome sir and I enjoyed our conversation we had a couple of days ago.
Being a Christian as well I can say Christ has been the strongest example of what type of Dominant I want to be. Principles I have noticed are the following.
Rules and rituals are meant to help support the best in my submissive and myself. Christ provides commandments not to oppress His followers, but to help each of his followers become the best they can be. I do the same with the rules and rituals I have implemented with my submissive. I think and consider what goals she has and make rules associated with those goals so she has another reward or punishment associated with those actions.
There is purpose to the relationship. It has direction. As I mentioned in our conversation the other day this dynamic has broken the glass ceiling in my marriage. Having purpose and focus on things I am learning with my submissive and things we are doing together gives us something to reach for together. The things we do together are bringing us closer together and deepen the emotional as well as physical relationship.
The practice of downtime is like prayer. If you are not familiar with downtime this is an excellent post that explains it perfectly.
When done correctly it is an interchange of ideas and feelings. Each downtime helps to breakdown walls. It also helps to align each others desires and wants in the dynamic. It is a safe place to fully express what each other want and discuss how to implement the relationship what would feed both of you.
How that relationship/ dynamic looks will be a unique expression to the two of you. Just like your relationship or walk with Christ is unique to you. The principles taught in this community can be used by anyone at any age in any situation. The implementation may be different, but that is how it is meant to be.
As you are building this make sure you are building it with her. You will see a common theme through the site that making sure your submissive is with you in building this relationship. Like your relationship with Christ it will grow to the extent you are open and transparent. Yes there will be difficult conversations, but the more difficult conversation you have the better your relationship will be on the back end.
I hope this has been helpful and gives you some principles and practices to start with. We look forward to helping support you as you and your submissive begin this journey together.
Log in to reply.