- June 14, 2019 at 5:36 am #73194
This introduction is a mess of a story. Maybe someone who comes after me will find value in it.
The last few months were like a piece of lettuce tossed in a salad spinner. Around March I discovered my wife of 8 years was on KIK. Then I found out what KIK was. I confronted her calmly and we had an open conversation about what was going on. After that we started working to grow our relationship. Our sex got dirtier and it became clear she enjoyed me being more dominant in bed. So I started working on that.
At the time I didn’t know anything about this world. I’m not particularly dominant, although I have an entrepreneurial spirit. I’m self-employed and I work from home where I also watch our 18 mo old daughter. I have what I consider a more feminine energy in the sense that I’m not super aggressive, don’t care for sports, and don’t enjoy male camaraderie or posturing despite serving in the Army.
Anyway, things seemed to be improving in our relationship. But then, a couple months later, they hit a wall. I’d gone through an experience of depression, and my wife just sort of shut off. She stopped communicating with me. Started taking more business trips. Seemed to fall back into old habits. Then one day I discovered she was back on KIK. From there things sort of unraveled and I found out she was having an affair. So I left with our daughter and went to my parents’ house.
That pretty much brings us up to the present.
Over the last few days I’ve had some time to reflect on our relationship and how we reached this point. I thought about my views of “cheating” and realized it isn’t that big of a deal that she slept with someone or was on KIK. In a different context it would just be sex that I might have been fine with (if we had talked about it). The only troubling part is the broken trust, but I also see that I was showing signs of weakness in my own life.
We’ve been talking about our relationship for a few days, and at some point it hit me that I wasn’t exactly a shining example of dominance. I thought I understood what that word meant, at least in the bedroom. But after reflecting on it, I know nothing.
So that’s why I’m here.
Because I still want to make our marriage work. I want to step into this role for her. I want to become more dominant in every aspect of my life, and to be honest I have no idea where to start. So I just started reading posts here.
I’m super open to considering different points of view, and I’ve been working to improve myself and my mindset a lot over the past few months. I’ve dropped weight and got in the best shape of my life at 32. Added longer meditation sessions and started working toward having more happiness in my life.
But now I want to change a different part of myself. A part that has carried around a burden of weakness. A part that I haven’t worked on much at all because it was never that important before. But it is important now. As a husband. As a father. I want to be a better leader for our family.
Hopefully I can start to do that here, and not just in a sensual sense. I need to work on becoming more of a man. Grooming myself. Investing in my wardrobe. Expanding my perspective. And just generally caring more.
With any luck we can rebuild our relationship stronger than before, and forge something real, that stands the test of time.
Thanks for reading.
- June 14, 2019 at 5:57 am #73195
I know there are a few of us that have had to deal with cheating in a marriage. You are not alone.
I can tell you that I’ve dealt with it, and it took absolutely years and years to work through the emotional trauma that decision inflicted on both of us.
I am impressed and pleased that you have decided to try and make this work. It will not be easy, and I don’t envy your journey through this, but know that it is possible.
If I could offer just a few words of advice, bettering yourself is admirable, and something we should do throughout our lives no matter what. However changing yourself to suit someone else’s needs is a slippery slope towards self loathing and frustration and hate.
Make sure that the changes you decide to follow through are for YOU just as much as they are for your marriage. If it isn’t going to truly feed you both, it’s not worth it.
You can be selfless. You can give absolutely everything to your wife and expect nothing in return. It is possible, and admirable to do so, however if that schism still remains and she is unwilling to bridge that gap to meet you emotionally and in personal growth, then there is a poison there that may one day, if not overcome, will twist you and your relationship.
That being said, trust can be rebuilt.
Open honest communication. Truly honest. Nothing hidden. Make sure you are both on the same page and have a comparable vision of your relationship, and then together start giving absolutely everything back to each other.
If she can be 100% committed to you, and you 100% committed to her, no sense of self. No sense of guilt or frustration at what the other partner isn’t doing (that’s where the honest communication is needed. No assumptions! Speak the truth and expect the same back) then you will be more than able to crush this.
It will take a long time. I think it’s worth it if she is as willing as you to go back to those vows.
Cheers sir. I’m praying for you.
- June 14, 2019 at 6:48 am #73197
Thanks Sir Hermosa,
I’m still in a reflecting stage about these changes, but I do want to make them. They are not just for her, although I do want to become closer to what she envisions in her partner.
You made some really solid points. I really appreciate the thoughtful response. Those last few paragraphs are great thought pieces. I’ll spend some time considering your words before my wife and I meet again.
100% commitment, truly honest and open communication, and a strong foundation of trust are what I want. I think she wants the same, but we have to learn together how to improve and grow in those areas.
- June 14, 2019 at 6:07 am #73196
I’m online a lot. If you see me in chat feel free to say hello sir.
- June 14, 2019 at 8:45 am #73198
For us the healing process started with a very difficult and painful discussion. I needed to know what had happened. Every detail. So that I could get some closure on the subject and not always be thinking of what did happen? What did they do etc etc. Once I could deal with all that, then I could compartmentalism it somewhat and start to put that box in the past. Until I had the whole story I couldn’t move on.
The second thing that helped us a lot was the truly honest transparency. I told her that I now needed her passwords and logins to everything she did online, and I lowjacked her phone. That may sound paranoid and controlling, however it was a way that we could be truly open with each other. I did the same thing for her.
She could read all my emails, see what I browsed, who I talked to, and vice versa, I could reassure myself on the bad days when I started to slip.
That step may not be for everyone, but it was actually key to our eventual success I believe. It persists to this day. If my phone is fingerprint locked, her fingers will open it too. She can look at anything I do online, and if I ask her for her phone, she hands it over whenever.
I don’t remember the last time I checked up on her now. It’s been years. But it has been a very difficult journey, and I have to say that with your honest post here of your troubles, I’ve found that I’m not as “over it” as I thought I was, and have things that I need to reassure my Little Peach about, and have a good talk with her too. Thank you sir.
- June 14, 2019 at 10:39 am #73199
This sounds very similar to what we’ve gone through over the past few days.
I took the opportunity to ask questions about what happened. I accept that I played a role, but ultimately it was her choice to break that trust. She answered my questions to a level I felt satisfied with. After that I asked that we share all passwords and logins and have transparency as there is no other way I can feel that trust again for now. I am totally open to allowing her into everything I have and every aspect of my life.
Up to this point I’ve given her that level of openness from my end. But there were other parts of our relationship I didn’t fully grasp yet. It’s such a challenge to solve problems when you don’t know what the problem is. So that’s something I want to work on going forward. Just being more open and communicating better between us.
On some level I’m actually glad this happened. From a meta perspective it’s kind of like reading a romance novel. This is a natural part of the story, and after it happens the Alpha undergoes a great deal of change to complete his character arch. Of course, in life the character arch is kind of ongoing so it will always be a work in progress.
Anytime I can find ways to spot weakness and improve my relationships, self or life is a good thing. So I view this as an opportunity for reflection, assessment and ultimately a chance for growth be it individually or together as a partnership and family.
Thanks again for sharing your experiences. I find them incredibly helpful because I’ve mostly dealt with this alone.
- June 14, 2019 at 10:50 am #73200
I hear you sir.
Hopefully your wife has the same overall attitude and willingness to open up and work towards a solution here.
I’m always around at some point during the day, and I always read back in the chat window (located bottom right on the mobile version, don’t know where on desktop version)
So if you did want to chat at any time I am more than happy to.
In the meantime please browse around. Check out all of MrFox blogs, and skim through the forums.
You will find many points of view here, and because all dynamics are unique, you will not find that every solution someone else used will work for you. Be discerning and judge the value of all viewpoints here against your own personal dynamic, use what can help, and ignore what won’t.
Good luck sir.
You’re not alone now
- June 19, 2019 at 7:01 am #73212Sir OTW | AMBParticipantPremium Content | Through the Eyes of a husDOM™
Welcome to husDOM Mr Deville,
I am sorry to hear of the situation that led you here, but my hope is this community can help you become the man and leader you want to be and be an asset in helping you and your wife rebuild trust and strengthen your marriage. I would encourage you to continue having conversations with her and to find out not only what she needs/wants in your relationship, but her level of commitment to making this work. I would agree with Hermosa, make changes to become the man and leader you want to be and to love your wife but this will be a long journey that you both have to be invested in to rebuild trust.
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