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Turned my life upside down
Hi, all.
Obviously I’m the new kid on the block. So, I figured it’s time to make my introduction. I’ve already had some interactions in the group chats and read through many posts and blogs and podcasts. This seems like it will be a place for me. I have a lot of improving to do and confidence to build but I am ready.
Here is the synopsis of my relationship.
My wife and I, together since high school, married after college. We are 35. We currently have 3 children, age 9, 4 and 3 months. For our entire relationship, much like most in today’s society, we have played the power struggle game. I couldn’t figure out how to be assertive and not be an asshole because I was fighting uphill (and I was also an asshole sometimes). She couldn’t figure out why she wasn’t fulfilled with a caring husband and a picket fence life. We didn’t know that caring wasn’t enough.
Its only been a few weeks now since she turned our world upside down. She has watched 50 shades a year ago or something and to her credit asked for some dominance in the bedroom in the past. I didn’t understand, truly understand, what she was looking for back then. I thought she wanted me to play act like a dominant character and be a little rough and then drop the act and return to normal life. She didn’t know either that she wanted more.
I finally listened. I don’t know what happened but after being extremely dominant (comparative to my past anyway) she was shaken. I mean, I did something to her that made no sense to me at the time. She was weak in the knees around me. I saw the first submissive look in her eyes as she said. “What would you like me to do, Sir?” (outside the bedroom mind you) and my head about fucking exploded. It clicked. my little universe made sense for once.
We played our roles for a couple of days, faking it till we made it. Me falling on my face a few times and her giving me everything. She has now decided that she trusts me with her entire life. She is the most amazing woman I will ever meet. To love and trust me so deeply, so completely that she would give me anything I ask of her. Do anything I tell her to. Say anything I requested. It’s the most intoxicating and humbling moment of my life.
She has asked for total control. Granted me consensual nonconsent. I didn’t approach this topic at all. She did. I don’t want a slave. I don’t want a robot human to have sex with. This is not our understanding. She is my universe. My whole reality.
She needs me she says. To make her what she can be. She is motivated to do anything I say so therefore all of things that she wanted to be in her life that she struggles with now will no longer be her concerns. They are mine. They are my burden. My job to pay attention to and my job to fix what is broken.
Our sex life has hit another realm and doesn’t look like it’s showing any signs of slowing down. I am not naive though and I understand the honeymoon period and the frenzy. So it’s my job to be prepared for what’s coming.
We have never done serious BDSM, which is why I debated joining this group of men, but we do domination in the bedroom obviously and restraint play and spanking and similar things. Looking to the future, when we can fit the heavier stuff into our life as children grow and become less needy, we will. I will.
I don’t know if I’m missing anything here but I’m sure you will find out more about me as time goes by. I plan on getting to know everyone here and I hope to learn so much from all those that have come before.
I thank each one of you for taking regular care of this community and recognize your consistent contribution. I thank Mr. Fox for providing a den to gather and meet real men.
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20 Replies
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Buddy, that was one of the most well written intros I’ve ever seen. So first, Bravo for the English lesson. Lol.
Secondly, welcome. It is extremely refreshing to see such a self-aware attitude from someone just starting out. This is work. First and foremost, you will have to shoulder a whole load to make this right. You acknowledging that is a huge step.
Doing it right will take time, patience, and more communication than you thought possible.
I always thought that our communication was excellent in our marriage Early on in our marriage I would have rated it a 8/10 or better. Looking back now I can see just how ignorant I was
In the last 2+years since we went to 24/7, our communication has blossomed to a level I truly couldn’t imagine back then Fully open and honest, with never an assumption or question unasked, or opinion unshared. And the onus is on you to ensure that you continue to build on it every day. I see us as a 10/10 right now in that department, though I am confident that in 2 more years I’ll look back and laugh at that assessment too, just because of how much farther we will go together… though I can’t imagine now that it’s possible, I’ve also proved myself wrong there already, to my great pleasure.
I also have 3 similarly aged children (9-7-5) and know the struggles they bring to just normal life, let alone D/s. You’re not alone sir, and if you have anything specific that comes up, feel free to ask. Many of us are dads and moms here.
Feel free to browse and chat. Come to some of the video chats and say hi, even if that’s your complete involvement, and just listen. Having gentlemen and ladies here who may be, or have been struggling through the same issues as yourself, is a huge resource. But it’s wasted if you’re not involved.
I hope to see you in the chat more, and look forward to hearing about you growing, learning, building confidence in yourself, and loving that amazing wife of yours, more than you thought you possibly could.
Cheers
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Hermosa,
I can already see the importance of communication as assumptions and unspoken expectations nip at the dynamic a little everyday in these early times. I appreciate you reinforcing the need for communication. I also appreciate your praise over my grammar haha. I am glad to have found a place will fellow Dad’s and husbands and Dominants.
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Welcome @FreeDom,
I look forward to getting to know you. There are many similarities in your story as to ours. Enjoys these first few months as there are so many new and exciting things, and what is great is that even after the honeymoon phase, D/s-M has opened a world of intimacy in and out the bedroom we could not have imaged 3 years ago.
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Hi, OTW.
Thanks for chiming in. I am excited to see where we are when we reach a milestone like yours. 3 years. I can visualize the possibilities that this opens up within our marriage beyond the honeymoon phase. I hope our intimacy only grows. Thanks again.
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FreeDom, Great introduction. Welcome aboard. I hope like pink and myself that your D/s continues to feed you and your wife in a way that the two of you grow closer as a couple. Enjoy the ride. We all have those ups and downs but what relationship doesn’t. Again welcome. I look forward to interacting with you on this site.
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Thank you, Master Gardener. Glad to be here. I hope the same. What a ride this is going to be!
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FreeDo,
I really enjoyed reading your introduction. I believe that many of us can share some similarities to what you have just described. And it raises my heart rate just a little thinking about those first few weeks for lk and I.
We too are high school sweethearts and we too began our journey in the bedroom. We were both quite surprised when it just naturally migrated into who we were.
I look forward to following more of your story as your journey continues.
Best wishes
Mr Fox
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Mr. Fox,
Thanks for stopping in. I’ve learned quite a bit from your experiences so far and hope to learn more in the future. I feel that you are probably right. Many people here are going through or have gone through similar things. I decided after I had met a few of your members, I was going to feel comfortable sharing here. That was important to me and I’m sure it will be important to new members in the future. So I will try to continue the pattern of support here. Thanks again.
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FreeDom,
I call that paying it forward… and its priceless…
Much gratitude sir.
Mr Fox
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FreeDom,
I feel like I know you well. That as a great intro and I really enjoyed talking with you tonight in chat. The only thing I will say regarding the honeymoon is NO! Don’t allow a self fulfilling prophecy to rob you of these sweet moments. Our Dynamic is dynamic. I have to say over the time we have been doing this we’ve had multiple honeymoons. This can be yours as well. It takes intent and effort. Adventure, explore together and have fun!
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Thanks bft2013.
It was great to meet you tonight. I appreciate all the things you said. You are right. I shouldn’t accept less. We have to make our own way through this adventure so why not make the way adventurous and steer the ship away from dull. Our dynamic is dynamic. I like that. I am definitely going to steal it. Hope to talk again soon my friend.
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I figured I would return and update our new journey. I may forgo eloquence for the sake of brevity here.
I will kick our entry off with a quick list of headlines.
- She has her first day collar. Simple circle and bar lariat in silver. A bit long at 24 inches. I will go shorter next time probably. We will check with her along the way. The nice one is special ordered. It’s a formal one from a jeweler will be here in a few weeks.
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She started journaling. She writes a lot. How do you all handle journaling? Do you read it? Do you let it stay private? How do you see it’s purpose? Do you journal?
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She was diagnosed with a GI disorder, diverticulitis. It’s mending but it definitely slowed things down. But most importantly, she’s ok.
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I keep finding myself switching in and out of role in these early days. It’s hard. I guess I spent so much time vanilla, it’s easy to fall into. Any advice?
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p class=””>5. Still on the search for a name. This one is hard. Much harder than I had expected it to be. She is actively searching as am I. Thinking And talking about them and even using some in practice to see how they feel. Still struggling.
- She still amazes me. She finds ways to be submissive that I don’t sometimes. Even when I’m falling short of filling the dominant shoes, she’s right there with the next thing I might need. She’s working hard at changing herself. She’s transforming and it’s inspiring to be a part of.
Discipline. Here we are. I don’t know what to say about this word. It’s the most confusing part about this 24/7 lifestyle to me. She tries so incredibly hard to please me, I rarely catch her slip. She’s on top of the rules and almost never misses anything. It’s like she doesn’t try to push back or skirt anywhere.
I’ve never had to physically discipline her and I don’t know if that’s a failure on my part because I give too much grace or because she is so obedient. All of this is new, I know, things are bound to be tougher down the road.
Will I have the guts? Is it even necessary to use spanking or a physical punishment? She’s almost destroyed when I giver her stern looks. Nearly in tears when I’m disappointed.
I don’t recognize this woman. I love her. I study her every move and word. She is not who she was though and both of us support that. It doesn’t mean I didn’t love her before but because of her gift of submission, I truly appreciate who she is. Who she always wanted to be.
- Back on track. Sex! Oh my gosh, the sex! This lady is insatiable. You couldn’t give her enough. Every day. Sometimes multiple times. She’s turned on pretty much 24/7. Honestly, it’s hard to keep up. It’s been difficult to stay at that pace with kids (including a fussy infant) and jobs and life. So I force it to slow down. We can’t function on a few hours sleep. Skip every few days.
She’s getting a taste for new stuff all the time. This first year will be a whirlwind but I’m ready.
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Thanks for the update. Always fun to hear from other guys as they move through their journeys. It takes time to break old habits, my minx and I have been doing this for about 2 and a half years and I don’t think I really started to keep my mindset more or less consistent until about 6 months ago. It really depends on your dynamic though, as if there are times that you are not both in your dynamic roles by intention, then of course you will continue to needed to switch in and out.
As to discipline, my minx is very a pleaser and wants to stay on top of the rules and it isn’t her desire to ever push or earn a discipline. We did not have discipline as part of our dynamic for at least the first two years. We do have a correction protocol where if the does get disrespectful or breaks a rule I will have hear kneel while we talk through what happened and if a disrespect issue, why I felt disrespected. At the end, I will help her up from the kneeling as a symbol of restoring her as my capable co-pilot. We are starting to explore discipline again a bit more but have yet to use it but we are both in a place now after over two years where it might be beneficial.
As you decide what fits you and your submissive, I would encourage that you only bring things into your dynamic that feed you both, not because others do it or it is what “Doms” do. There are many aspects to the dynamic that minx and I have that outsiders might question or consider out of our roles, but it works for us and our mindset so we keep those things.
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Thanks, <a class=’bp-suggestions-mention’ href=’https://husdom.com/members/sir-otw-amb/’ rel=’nofollow’>@OTW-AMB
I appreciate your reassurances. I am glad that this is not unique to us. I always appreciate your input.
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Great update.
Glm Journals. I give her writing assignments sometimes. I read them. It is a great way for us to connect.
We are a year in. Discipline is going to be unique to you two. We decided to keep things pretty simple at first and worked to a place we felt comfortable with. She has 5 rules and 5 positions. We practice them frequently (daily).
Best,
But
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Thanks <a class=’bp-suggestions-mention’ href=’https://husdom.com/members/bft2013/’ rel=’nofollow’>@bft2013
It’s helpful to hear how others handle things. I’ve started reading her writing and it’s helpful already. I appreciate you touching base.
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I have never had to physically punish Little Peach.
That’s mostly my choice, but she has also never needed more than a stern look or comment.
Secondly (and most importantly) it’s not what she wants. She has told me that spankings etc are fun, and I’ve written our contract to reflect that. And that using that for a punishment for something she has done, would make her feel like I am treating her as a child, not as my most prized possession.
If it’s against her needs, it’s out. Don’t even need to justify or think about it. If it doesn’t build you both, prune, and if someone else says you have to have it in your dynamic to be a “dom”, then he may be treated as an idiot indiscriminately.
Lol
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Hello all.
It’s been a minute and I haven’t been very active in the last few weeks. Honestly, I saw everything drop off. I caused everything to drop off. I stopped paying attention. I found it so easy to settle back in to who I used to be. My Mina, thank goodness for her, although she struggled without my leadership, kept her submissiveness. She knelt at my feet and asked what she could do to fix it.
It wasn’t her. It’s never been her that’s held us back. I want so badly to feel that raging forest fire that destroyed the old us so that the new growth could emerge. But here I am. Trying to hold on to ash.
I’m sorry if my metaphors seem dramatic. I know that I’m writing here as if I’m speaking in a journal. I just feel honesty is paramount in any relationship or endeavor. So those around you can truly see you and so you can truly see yourself.
I slowly started drifting away recently and found it affects everything. When my dominance wanes, the structure I’ve created for my children becomes ineffective. My Mina becomes stressed because she knows something is wrong. My focus disappears. These are all symptoms though.
My problem seems to stem from my discomfort with being dominant. I have always been an easy going guy. Tamping down any bit of strength that poked it’s head out for fear of being disagreeable. I’m the nice guy. And everything that goes through my head passes through the NICE filter.
Trying to recalibrate has been tough. I fully understand after seeing myself through the first part of our dynamic that I am fully capable of being loving and caring while being dominant and confident. I can be my whole self and not anxious while embodying my dominance. Why is it so difficult to stay in a place that feels so natural when I’m there?
I apologize that this is so drawn out. I enjoy pouring out these things in a place that feels safe and meaningful rather than a book that no one will read. Plus, I enjoy writing. It’s always been a love of mine.
I trust you men who have attained a level of comfort in your dominance. I listen intently and intentionally with the belief that I will find what I need here. I will attempt to reengage regularly here. I say that not as a flat promise but a request of accountability. It’s ok to hold a standard that betters us as men. I need to be here as much as all of you do because I need to be reminded that there is a testing ground for the way we live.
II said this in the beginning, thanks for providing that space. That’s for contributing to it. I am committed to turning this over and doing my part. I find myself not commenting sometimes because I feel less experienced and have less to say and to some degree that’s true but I do need to engage. If you have anything to say I’d love to hear it. Thanks for listening.
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Hello Sir,
This is all part of trip. Everyone has had bad days, weeks and more. There isn’t one thing that will fix it. You two will need to figure it out. You made a commitment to her and she to you. If you work together you will get to the other side.
Society has programmed us to “be nice”. The world pushes a perspective into your consciousness daily. It is like gravity. Some version of that stuff will always be there. Being assertive and owning your relationship is what you both need. Perhaps that is nice too? It takes energy and commitment to be strong. You have to find ways to recharge and reset. Maybe resetting and reframing your perspective would help you with energy and direction?
You are the leader. You will mess up. You will have great times. Own all of it.
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Freedom:
I read all that post, eloquently written, and something keeps coming up in my mind over and over.
It’s not expressly written, or he specific words aren’t used, but I feel that in reading your post again, that your struggles seem to stem from complacency.
And by complacency I mean lazy, in the literal sense. This is an extremely difficult dynamic to hold onto. It’s easy in the beginning when you’re all gung-ho to get going, but as time continues it is so difficult to maintain the standard that you, as a dominant, need to continue this in a healthy and fulfilling way.
Don’t worry about your “nice” filter. I would argue that I’m nice to my Little Peach every moment of the day. That doesn’t have to affect my dominance.
But if you think “nice” is just doing what she asks/tells you all the time, that’s not nice, that’s lazy. She doesn’t need another kid. She doesn’t need another person dependant on her decisions. She needs a leader, someone SHE can be dependant to.
And man that’s intimidating, difficult, and takes a lot of effort.
Treat her as your most prized possession. Talk to her and find out what she needs. If she is still kneeling for you and asking how she can help, than that should humble you beyond anything I can write here.
Ask her what she needs.
It sounds like she needs your commitment, your leadership, you being connected, and stepping up and just doing what’s needed, without waiting for her to tell you what to do.
Get up and get moving sir. Move over and talk to her. Move forward with her. And keep yourself constantly engaged, looking for ways to help her, hold her, look after her.
In my opinion this has nothing to do with you lacking dominance, or needing to be nice. To me this screams an echo of my own challenges, and those are of complacency and poor communication.
Don’t fall into the trap of self recrimination or complacency. Or passing the blame. YOU are to blame. For everything that goes wrong in your household. Learn to live with that and embrace it. The buck stops with you sir. You have the responsibility, and the capability to handle it all, and the shoulders to carry that weight. Is it easy? No. Is it right? Absolutely. You are the leader, and at the end of the day if anything goes wrong it’s your fault, and your responsibility to ensure that it doesn’t happen again.
Don’t try and squeeze the ashes of that old self. The lazy one that made your wife do all your thinking for you, that made your wife look after her own life, and yours, and your families. That Made your wife carry all of her own burdens… and yours.
That man, that old self isn’t worth it. Step up and lift the load sir. You CAN. And most importantly, she is on her knees asking for you to do it.
Kneel yourself down. Look in her eyes, take her hands, stand her up and apologize. And then own it all, move forward, and forgive. Her and yourself.
You’ve got this mate. Just don’t get back on the lazy couch.
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