Greetings to you all and a big thank you to Mr. Fox and LK.
To suggest that I am new to HusDom or being a Dom is an understatement. My experience covers I believe 5 days now, and my darling girl has not been with me the entire time! I am staying with my father as he recovers from prostat cancer surgery and my darling girl is 2 states away. I won’t be home for another three weeks!
Our interest in D/s probably started like many others. From the outside it appeared to me to simple be my darling girls desire to be tied up. She likes physical sex with some spanking and hair pulling…and to be held down. So an interest in being restrained was a natural progression.
Our physical distance I think has actually made this transition easier in some ways. As we explored sharing pictures and desires, it really became clear to me that there are much larger issues at play.
my darling girl has had bad relationships, been abandoned, negatively compared to other women, physically abused, etc. She has had to establish her own financial independence while raising three children part time. The list goes on but my point being being my darling girl has been afraid for a very long time.
Enter me, LovingLiege, 3 years ago. Ok…LovingLiege… my darling girl refers to me as Liege when asking for or thanking me for anything sexual. It’s light hearted and makes me smile. A bit of a nod to Game of Thrones. The Loving part is obvious as we all adore our ladies (or men) more than they know and as her Dom I truly am already focusing so much more on her.
Ok, so enter me 3 years ago. Instant chemistry. A stupidly painful divorce that took two years and now we are together for all time. Everything leading up to the past five days has been wonderful. She bright, capable, artistic, a great parent, loves tools and shoots like a girl, meaning you really don’t want to be in her sights! I have always been so proud of her and have great respect for her mind, her artistic talents, etc.
As you might already have figured out, which I am just, the signs were all there. A need to be physically overpowered during sex. Her fears about stability. Her fears about money. Her fears preventing her from finding her balance through her art and meditation. Despite my moving full time into our home, despite money becoming more available and despite my repeated reassurances, she was still tail spinning. Not crashing as she’s amazingly resilient, but spinning wildly in a free fall panic at times.
Our texting started to share pictures of women tied up. The knots are beautiful, the ladies exquisite, the control a bit heady.
After our texting, being the very thorough programmer type that I am, I began researching and learning how to tie her up. Safety First! Learned a lot, got some good information on safety first, etc..
This took me into some BDSM sites of course. I’ll admit to some unresolved issues in my past that my darling girl just helped me realize. My ex was uncontrollable. After inheriting the better part of a million dollars she started bleeding us. She was averaging withdrawing over $10,000 per month from her inheritance, and I make good money! We obviously had long discussions and a whole lot of vanilla arguments. She would agree to stop spending, agree to my rules/desires…and within weeks was back at it. After I left her, thank you my darling girl for helping to save me, she spent the next 15 months dragging me through a financial nightmare of a divorce. She spent $450,000 in those 15 months on her attorney and mostly on her self. my darling girl pointed out to me yesterday that I need this D/s change for my own reasons! My ex was uncontrollable and I need my lady to be in control, my control. Biggest light bulb ever!!
Ok, back to the BDSM sites… I obviously found a lot of good, a lot of weird and a lot of way out of my comfort zone information. But what I kept hitting on was the relationship D/s power exchange and how it affects the sub mindset.
my darling girl was so excited that I was researching tying her up. It really excited her to know I was following through and accepting of her desires. We shared more images to which I am happy to say I can tie a lot of them.
As we spoke and texted I started to talk to her about D/s in the play time. About her submission specifically. She was in full and eager agreement. Many exchanges about what I would like to do to her lead immediately to her vocalizing her desire to do whatever I want to pleasure me.
We now started really talking about about D/s in the context of truly exchanging power. The timing for her is perfect. I’ve been trying to help her realize that money is no longer a fear (she just got a great paying long term corporate job and once my spousal support ends, money will flow quite freely), our relationship is rock solid and I am not going anywhere, no one will ever hurt her again (she’s an amazing shot) and she can now quit being afraid. This did nothing! If anything it was getting worse! With me having been gone for several weeks already she was afraid that her being afraid would make me afraid and I would leave. Man what a vicious cycle and absolutely no vanilla way out.
We talked about all of this and how D/s would relinquish her of those worries. Yea, I’m scared out of my mind realizing the true responsibilities I am assuming, but this is actually really good for both of us.
So we started the rules, well actually I did. I spent hours reading blogs about loving relationship D/s. The list has a healthy dose of my pleasure in it. But it also has a much healthier dose of rules for her. We talked and talked. We refined. We agreed. She broke a rule, Take care of yourself physically, when she skipped dinner. Suddenly I had to get a handle on punishments. And I’m not even home!
I found HusDom and Mr. Fox. Wow, after all the strange and way out there S/M I kept running into, finally I find a sane voice. Reading his blog I have found the loving, caring, supportive style I was looking for.
my darling girl and I spoke last night. I was really skittish to tell her about “Downtime”. As I told her her voice dropped into a soft tone. She was relaxing just knowing about it. She loves the idea and so do I. I’ve gotta get a leather chair! But for now sitting up in bed will do and I’m going to try using FaceTime today.
I also told her how her punishment will be exacted. She knows she made a mistake, that the rule is there for her own good and that it pleases me when she takes care of her self. She is truly remorseful. When I return home I am sorry to say that the first thing when the door closes is that her punishment will begin. She is to strip to bra and panties and wait kneeling in our room with eyes downcast while I unpack. Seeing her nearly naked and submissive I know will please me. When I’m ready I will tell her to bend over my lap and pull her panties down to her thighs. She will then tell me why she deserves to be punished and who is really hurt by her disobedience (her of course). I will then apply 6 well delivered and true spankings. I will hold her afterwards in my protective arms and console her during which time she must apologize to me for having to punish her. It sounds mind fuckish but this really will hurt me too. When she’s recovered we will kiss and that will be her absolution.
Imagining punishing her is really hard for me. She needs this from a rule breaking standpoint as well as enforcing the power exchange immediately. But I’m near tears thinking of hurting my darling girl. Yes I like to evoke a sharp ouch occasionally, but nothing like this.
Honestly I already know spanking will land in the Funishment bag and probably won’t work long term for these kinds of serious offences. I am looking for advice here. I am developing consequences that fit the crimes for minor rules, no screen time for not doing something artistic every day, sleeping in another room if she does not welcome my advances, etc.. I want them to make sense. But like with a child, anything that is harmful to her needs a real consequence.
This is the most exciting, liberating and daunting journey. I take my new responsibilities very seriously and I see this as truly a game changer for her. I am in control. I am responsible. She can finally breathe.
Below are the rules, please feel free to give advice, suggest changes etc. It seems like a lot to be starting with but I think you’ll understand why. I continue to try to remove and simplify. For example, Sleeping Nude really falls under, Wear what I want. So I eliminated it.
Thank you for reading my crazy long entry and thanks in advance for sharing yours and bringing your experiences to the table for us all to benefit from.
Our Agreed Rules:
“Rules for My Pleasure” are punishable by spanking, withholding of orgasms, or anything that is a logical consequence.
“Rules for you” are punishable by spanking (6) or whatever punishment we have previously agreed is acceptable. Each failure to follow a rule will increase the punishment for that rule.
* Work or family time and migraines are the only exceptions I will consider for the rules.
You may ask for “Downtime” except immediately following a punishment. During “Downtime” you will lay your head on my chest or lap while I play with your hair and touch your neck and shoulders. You can open up about anything in our relationship without fear of consequence. This is your opportunity to explain any issues, unmet needs, conflicting emotions, etc. I love you and need you to have a safe time to openly talk about things. I will listen with my full attention.
Rules for My Pleasure:
No pouting. Accept my decisions without complaint. “Downtime” is for discussing issues.
Wear clothes that I choose.
Always shower with me so I can wash you and your hair and vice versa.
Keep your body free of hair. If this is a paid service, pay with my account.
* LovingLiege note: I want worries about money to be removed from her thoughts for now. She has already suggested that we change it, that she needs to be ok with spending money on herself. One step at a time my darling girl.
Keep your finger nails polished. If this is a paid service, pay with my account.
Wear perfume of my choosing every day. Pay for your perfume with my account.
Keep your toys organized, clean, in good working order and always available. *Ropes, chains, paddles, straps, whips, crops, canes, restraints, gags, clothespins, handcuffs, blindfolds, nipple clamps, collars and the like are my responsibility unless told otherwise.
*LovingLiege note: I have one rope. That’s it. So why the list? Crazy turn on for her…she was mumbling when i finished reading it. The rope arrives today at our home. It has been made very clear that it is My rope. She is not to play with my toys. Safety first of course but I want clear boundaries.
Only pleasure yourself with my permission. If I am unavailable to ask then you may not. You must ask with a “Please” and accept with a “Thank You”.
Accept my sexual desires favorably and with passion.
Once a week at a minimum wake me up with sex.
When you want to initiate sex you will make eye contact and simply say “Please”. You will say “Thank You” when I agree. I will decide how you will pleasure me.
* LovingLiege note: my darling girl says Please and I melt. She knows it. This is a nod to that fun bit of our relationship.
Rules for you:
Never lie to me. * This a double punishment.
Do not speak negatively about your body. * This a double punishment.
Keep your iPhone charged (and ringer turned on high when not at work) and with you at all times.
* LovingLiege note: We have agreed she will keep tracking services turned on. I have agreed not to follow her every move but I need to know she’s safe if she doesn’t answer. There is a balance here.
Take care of yourself physically including meals, prescribed physical therapy and doctors appointments.
You must get my permission to consume alcohol. Requests are by the glass.
Do not over indulge in alcohol.
All technology turned off in the bedroom by 9:30. Lights out at 10:00. When I am not home lights out at 11:00 at the latest.
On work days you will get out of bed by 07:00 unless I keep you in bed later for my pleasure. Waking with a migraine changes this time to 7:30. On weekends, presuming you were not kept awake late playing with me, you will get out of bed by 9:00, otherwise 11:00.
When you don’t do the cooking, clean or have the kitchen cleaned before retiring for the evening. On other nights I will assume this responsibility.
Pamper yourself weekly with a massage, pedicure, etc., paid with my account.
Get your haircut regularly, paid with my account.
Buy yourself two articles of non-sex related clothing per month at a minimum, paid with my account.
Create art or read a book for at least 15 minutes every day.
Meditate or orgasm every day.