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  • First steps on a new journey – or How a life-changing conversation led me here

    Posted by mr-rhanite on at

    Hello gentlemen!

    I didn’t join this community to lurk, but to participate, to learn and share experience. This may be a bit longwinded, but bear with my process. My journey is just beginning, and if any of my experiences can help others on this path as well, then this is my story so far. Here goes:

    I am experiencing a nervewracking, but also giddy time. In addition to the excitement of leaving a job that was unsatisfying and draining my energy, to embark on a new, more fulfilling career path, I recently had a transcendant conversation with my wife.

    We are married 5 years, together 10, and with a young child. Life has thrown a few curveballs at us along the way, loss in the family, uncertain professional situations and illness, but we have been able to find both healthy challenge and support in one another.

    While very satisfying, our love life has been vanilla. For years, we have been (I realize now) trying to poke, prod and entice other to open up more about our desires, wants and interests. Due to my relative inexperience, I admit to having been… not good at sharing. It’s scary, okay? I’ve always been very in my head about these things.

    Anyway – Mrs Rhanite finally cracks my shell, one night after sex, by finding the courage to share that she has had experience with, and interest in D/s as a masochisic sub, with some brat tendencies (I understand about 2/3rds of that at the time) – with several Dominants, her senior in age and experience. “I shared the most extreme interest I have, to try and pry you open” – she later amended, matter-of-factly.

    I somehow and awkwardly manage to find the wherewithal in return to be completely honest about my, then, most private turn-ons. She doesn’t react poorly – mostly mild interest.

    Maybe two months pass. We are both very busy, and she falls into a string of (treatable but tiring) illness that is now in hand and almost over. Offhandedly, she mentions a sexy xmas calendar with sex toys that was very popular here last year, with a bit of a smile. I return interest and we leave it there.

    This starts me down the rabbit hole. I explore the selection of toys, consider that calendars are available. I order one for us. But I don’t stop there – something compels me to take a deep dive. When something really catchy interest or curiosity, I deep dive. Over the next week, I privately familiarize myself as much with BDSM as I can. Podcasts, books, articles… it all gets a little overwhelming.

    But then, due to illness we call off weekend plans and have a weekend in. She is feeling much better, and I tell her I have something to share. After the kiddo is in bed, I lay out what I’ve been researching, admit that I wanted to do the courage of her sharing justice. I lay it out. Toys I’m curious about, details about my own past experiences (and lack thereof), what private interests and curiosities I have had – and that I am very interested in exploring D/s with her. Full honesty. She appreciates my candour.

    We now wait to begin our journey. We’ve talked more, and she wants to process too (she was a little surprised at the vociferousness of my opening up) and formulate her own wants, needs and the details thereof. I’m very curious. We are looking to schedule our first exploratory scene when we can get a weekend to ourselves in the near future.

    While she convalesces and we work on dealing with other distractions that occupy bandwidth and head space for her – and I try not to badger and drown her in the results of my deep dive, but give her space to come to me when she ready to continue the conversation (and I’ve promised her as much) – I also began to get anxious. I have no idea what to do, how to be a good Dominant. I don’t know what she expects, details about her past experience, what practical things to do or not do. I’ve got feels like an overwhelming amount of knowledge, but very little idea of what to do with it. I got in my head about it. I didn’t want to disappoint her. Thankfully, I could be honest about it with Mrs R, and she helped me not get completely wound up and nervous.

    I’m floating in a slightly uncertain cloud of nervous expectation now. I feel liberated and vindicated in being able to open up in a way I had resigned to never be able to. It is extremely empowering! And I feel my love and appreciation for her has surged to an absolutely ridiculous degree.

    About this time I discovered HusDom – and Mr. Fox nailed the angle that I was missing. D/s in a married relationship and an introspective approach to the Dominant mindset.

    So here I am. I need to condense knowledge into practice, find advice and Dom up. I acknowledge that I will stumble – and that the first, true step if for us to be able to continue our conversation – learn more about her interest, what she would want and need from me, as we try this out and see if it is something for us. I appreciate the intimacy, the fun and the energy that D/s offers, and I want to do my part to give it the best shot I can, come out of the gate strong (pun intended) and show Mrs R that while we will take it slow, start light and explore unfamiliar territory together. It is my goal in this to earn her submission, to bring her pleasure and release, and kindle a stronger fire of intimacy and playful, sexy fun in our relationship.

    If you made it this far, thanks for reading. I hope to be able to learn from you, the better to prepare myself and rise to the challenge.

    Good day to you, gentlemen!

    MisterM replied 10 months ago 2 Members · 1 Reply
  • 1 Reply
  • MisterM


    Good day mr-granite,

    This post has resonated with my as I am in a very similar and uncertain situation and I appreciate you for posting it. My wife has recently told me that she had been living this lifestyle previously and has told me that it is one that she strongly desires to experience again with me. Like you, I am very excited and nervous at the same time, researching and consuming information. I feel like a have a firm grasp of a lot of information but am struggling on how to implement that knowledge and get the initial ball rolling.

    Any advice would be greatly appreciated and would love to hear how your journey has been progressing.

    Best regards,


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