This topic contains 6 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  Sir Tomcat 1 month, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #73407
     Sir Tomcat 
    Participant

    Premium Content | Through the Eyes of a husDOM™

    I’m very new to the D/s lifestyle, but as I’ve been talking to some of the great gentlemen here, I realized with my first few chats here on HusDOM that my bride and I have been living a non-sexual D/s-M lifestyle for nearly the entirety of our almost 20 years of marriage.

    We’ve had, as all do, our share of struggles in our marriage, but ours has, on the whole, been a marriage filled with joy and happiness. Two of our biggest struggles though have been related to what happens behind the bedroom door. You see, while I was less restrained (and this isn’t something I’m proud of, but it is a part of who I am), my lovely kettunge chose to save her virginity for marriage. She has never known another lover. While I would recommend this approach, for us, it meant that there was a huge shock on our wedding night. She had a condition called “vaginismus”. You can look it up, but basically it’s an involuntary contraction of the muscles making penetration EXTREMELY painful. That rocked our world… and took us nearly 5 years to truly get past. FIVE YEARS without the sexual union we both craved, but became too battered emotionally to really discuss after so many trials and failures. You can imagine that this might have put a rather large chasm of communication and pain between us.

    About the time we were finally able to have sex without pain (and not the good kind of pain!)… we decided to start a family. ….and that’s when we discovered that my wife struggles with infertility. Untold numbers of specialists, we were finally able to get a diagnosis of PCOS. Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. Yay us… she struggles with feeling like “less of a woman” for being unable to do the one thing she feels called most strongly to do, become a mother. We celebrate 20 years of matrimony this coming December, and we still do not have children, and for a number of reasons, have chosen to not adopt. Further, because of the effects that PCOS has on her hormones, not to mention the likely damage to her adrenal glands due to whiplash from a serious car accident just before the wedding, she struggles with her weight… yet one more body-image issue for her.

    And yet…

    God do I love this woman so!!! She’s amazing, has a heart bigger than Alaska, she is, regardless of what she sees when she looks in the mirror, absolutely beautiful, and that beauty is far more than skin deep. She is truly a wonderful, beautiful, caring woman. But we’ve certainly had our share of struggles in the bedroom. In the recent past… things have been pretty good, but it was a long time coming, and the emotional scars are still very much there.

    Fast forward to last weekend. Out of the clear blue, my kattunge, with no warning whatsoever, started telling me how unbelievably hot she found it when the guy takes charge and dominates the woman sexually… and then asked if I would become HER Dominant. Which brings me to the statement in the first paragraph…. She has actually been my submissive all along, we just never saw it that way. I trained her, in the literal sense, to let me open doors for her. When she is with me, my kattunge has not opened her own door to enter a building in years… nor has she gotten into the car on her own, unless it was pouring rain and we were without an umbrella, in years. She consults with me before making most decisions that are anything beyond inconsequential. She is a perfectly submissive wife, and always has been…. Now it has just taken on a more formal dynamic, but the behavior patterns are already deeply ingrained.

    Without calling it that, we have been taking classes on having her follow my lead for years, they have just taken a different slant now. Have you ever taken ballroom dancing lessons? If you have not… you should. It is great training and reinforcement. The man is usually the leader (though that’s certainly not a hard rule, but presume “Dominant” as lead and it works regardless of gender, since I know there are a few Dommes on this site :). The woman (or “sub”) is typically the follower. Both are required to know their basic steps for any dance. There are moves that each learns. At first, it’s usually awkward and halting, but with practice and repetition, the moves become natural and smooth and are done with little effort. But the “sub” doesn’t ever know what’s coming next. She doesn’t need to… she just needs to know how to follow. The “Dominant” on the other hand, has far more responsibilities in ballroom dancing. He needs to plan out his next few moves. He needs to be flexible enough to roll with any unexpected changes such as someone else on the dance floor that he needs to work around, or his own carelessness or forgetfulness. If he’s experienced, he can make even his own gaffes, of which only he is aware, look intended to his “sub” who, after all, didn’t know what he was planning to do, so doesn’t know that it wasn’t what he intended. This is how I see BDSM play… whether in the bedroom, or out of it. I’m a moderate dancer because I haven’t given it the due time to practice outside of lessons, but I love the challenge. I’m looking forward to LOTS of practice here with this new lifestyle, and am eager to learn whatever ‘moves’ those more experienced have to teach me.

    So the question I have for you is… when will you ask your sub: “do you care to dance?”

  • #73408
     Sir OTW | AMB 
    Participant

    Premium Content | Through the Eyes of a husDOM™

    Welcome to husDOM Spinnaker. I really do like the picture of D/s as very similar to the dance floor. Two individuals with different roles working as one. She is no less of a dancer because she is following but if both try to lead the dance is a disaster.

    My minx and I were both each other’s first, though minx had previous relationshipsm I had the honor of marrying the first girl I ever dated. Ulimately, that inexperience can be a strength as she will never compare you to someone else who did things in a way you have not or are not phsyically able to. Build her up and praise her growth as it comes.

    It is amazing how much D/s changed us when we thought that I had been the leader but the more we learned the more we saw how I was deferring to my minx to prefer her and essentially force her to make the decision. Where we noticed it the most was that the kids saw her as the decision-maker, not me. It was a real wakeup call. While she desired to submit the examples that we saw around us ultimately defaulted “Happy Wife, Happy Life”.

  • #73410
     Sir Bee 
    Participant

    Premium Content | Through the Eyes of a husDOM™

    Spinnaker

    Welcome! I am glad to see that you made the time to do an introduction. This is an excellent introduction. I love the comparison of the dance to a D/s relationship. It was a pleasure to meet to the other night. I will be very much looking forward to hearing more as you progress in you dynamic.

    Sir Bee

  • #73413
     Sir Hermosa 
    Participant

    Premium Content | Through the Eyes of a husDOM™

    I’ve enjoyed reading your convos in chat, and look forward to a time when we are both online so that we can talk more. I’ve been very busy the last week, but am back to work now so I will be online significantly more.

    Welcome sir!

  • #73414
     Sir Tomcat 
    Participant

    Premium Content | Through the Eyes of a husDOM™

    Sir OTW,
    Funny you mention the shift in thinking… I’ve noticed the same thing in myself. It is amazing to me how freeing it is. We were talking last night and my sub commented that she expects I will find life far easier once I completely make the shift to a Dom mindset. I suspect she’s right, too. It is truly freeing, and that is true not because “I can finally be in charge” but because she WANTS that and we’ve never figured out how to be who we truly are with each other.

    Sir Bee,
    Likewise! in all areas of my life, I try to find like-minded people to run with. I think that’s still from learning from the Dale Carnegie school of thought. I am excited that even in this new aspect of life… I’ve found some great guys of like mind which I can surround myself with, even if virtually.

    Sir Hermosa,
    Thank you, sir! “Back to work” is not usually where people find MORE time, but somehow… I get it. 🙂 . We will have to find some time to connect.

  • #73471
     Buck/AMB 
    Participant

    Premium Content | Through the Eyes of a husDOM™

    Welcome to the husDom site. Like you my wench and I have led a Dominate/submissive type lifestyle since we started dating almost 47 years ago. It wasn’t until Wench was on LK’s original site and had me look at Mr. Fox’s site that we could put a name to what we had. We will celebrate our 45 wedding anniversary in August and in the last 7 years, since we officially went D/s-M, we have grown closer and in more sync the in the first 40 years.

    I would think with all the struggles you and your kattunge have been through your bond with each other is strong. Continue to grow that bond and enjoy the journey in D/s-M.

    Looking forward to you on chat

    Buck

  • #73474
     Sir Tomcat 
    Participant

    Premium Content | Through the Eyes of a husDOM™

    Buck:

    Thank you so much for your kind words. And 45 years married is an accomplishment to be proud of for sure! Congratulations, and may you and your wench celebrate many more to come! Yes, our bond is definitely strong, and we have weathered many storms together. This new dynamic has brought out the very best in both of us, though. I look forward to seeing just how much better an already GREAT marriage can become!

    See you around for sure…

    ~Tomcat

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