MemberNovember 2, 2019 at 1:41 pm
Hello – hoping I’ve found just what I am looking for here.
I have been involved the BDSM lifestyle for my entire life, since I was a teenager. Depending on my partner at the time, where I lived, and other circumstances, that involvement has varied in intensity. Living in big cities including San Francisco and Portland made it easier both from a social acceptance standpoint and in finding a community of like minded people. Now, I live in a socially conservative small town where my wife and I are not wanting to be “out”, or to connect publicly with the kink community here. I currently dream of moving to a city where we can remake ourselves, and that may be possible in the coming years.
As mentioned I am married, to a lovely woman I met about 5 years ago. Sabrina and I have spent the last 5 years exploring, intensifying, and then pulling away from the M/s dynamic. This cycle has repeated several times and we are now on an upswing. She and I come from very different backgrounds and while she is very indulgent of my needs and desires she is not a natural submissive and does not get the same “kick” out of the lifestyle as I do – which is one of the reasons for the many false starts, as when I feel like I have taken it too far, I pull back to the extreme. I’m interested in talking to others living the dynamic where one person is satisfied by kink, while the other needs different motivations to participate in the lifestyle.
Both of us came out of 20 year marriages and neither wants to go through divorce again. While we fantasize about playing with others, in reality we are monogamous and find the “scene” on other social sites online and in the real world to be a bit too focused on the poly aspects of the lifestyle. So it’s a dichotomy, we are looking for couples to be friends with, who understand the struggles and pleasures of the D/s, BDSM lifestyle but who would be more interested in going out for a drink, playing cards, or other “normie” activities than playing with each other. Finding sites for married couples is very welcome.
As far as my kink – it’s 24/7, TPE, rules, discipline. I’m a huge fetishist (collars, heels, boots, dresses/skirts for my wife) and she indulges. Very much want all of the power in the relationship, and to have that power acknowledged, but then give much of it back (I am not a micromanager/control freak). I’m into ritual and looking to see how others incorporate little things/big things regarding ritual into their dynamic.
That’s it for now, hope to connect more with others going forward.
MemberNovember 2, 2019 at 3:18 pm
Sounds like you are going to find a home here if you’re willing to give us a try. There are a BUNCH of us that are in roughly similar socio-psycho situations with being married happily, kinky, and not sharing that with our outside communities.
I’m almost always online in the Chats here, and am more than willing to share and listen and offer advice if I can be of help.
Welcome sir. I’d look into MrFox‘ blogs, browse the forums, and join in on chats when you have the chance.
I have personally found that I get the best advice/personal growth when I’m able to be open, honest, and listen without prejudice to others. Letting go of your sense of self and hearing honest advice even if painful can be extremely helpful and encourage a lot of growth.
All our dynamics are different. You’ll find a lot of different points of view here. Take all of them in and don’t throw them away without some good inspection, and introspection, and then see if they would fit your dynamic for the better.
And then get rid of absolutely everything (that you hear here, or may already be doing) that doesn’t feed your submissive, and your dynamic/relationship.
At the heart of my D/s is a deep relationship with my best friend. I would never change that, or my marriage to her, for the world. All of this just builds on that.
Welcome sir. I hope you find what you need here!
(We also talk about home repairs, coffee preferences, hunting, cars, kids band practice, college choices, retirement funds…. you know. “Normie” stuff 🙂 )
MemberNovember 2, 2019 at 4:47 pm
Thank you Sir Hermosa! Great to hear and thanks for the warm welcome. Hoping to chat soon – still exploring.
MemberNovember 16, 2019 at 11:50 am
Thanks to all of have reached out to me in the past couple of weeks since I joined. This group is exactly what I needed to support my relationship and where I want to go with it.
I’ve had a tendency to go for all or nothing in my relationships, get frustrated, and pull back. So Sabrina and I are now working on some very targeted areas as we re-invigorate the dynamic. Looking for 24/7 TPE, but this time with eyes wide open and 5 years history with her. Right now we are focusing on communication – rules and protocols. We’ve established a nightly check-in – I wouldn’t exactly call it downtime as described here, but close, and we are going to be starting regular maintenance spankings next week. Again, our primary challenge is that Sabrina is motivated to please me, but not motivated by the dynamic directly. We are working together to determine what she can get out of a TPE relationship that will make it work for her.
Once we spend our focused time on communication I’ve got a number of other focus areas to look at – daily rituals, restraint and impact play, online presence (for her). As we go through we are generating what in some ways will look a bit like a contract, but not starting with a full-blown one to begin with. Again, starting smaller this time and trying to bring her along with me.
This weekend I she is in Seattle for a church meeting and absence will not only (hopefully) make the heart grow fonder, but I am going to plow through a list of honey-do’s that she has no clue I am planning – even enlisted some friends to help with a couple of projects I know she’s wanted to do in the house, but does not have the time or energy.
Anyway as always hit me up on chat if you like. I try to participate as well but being out West does not seem to fall in line with when many of y’all are online. I’ll update our story here from time to time.
MemberNovember 16, 2019 at 2:10 pm
Sounds like a solid plan, but don’t push it. Sounds like you have 86 things planned out… make sure you are absolutely ready to throw out 72 of them if the DONT feed HER needs.
It’s a journey for two. And no matter how much you want to lead her, you have to earn that, and with her trust you have to lead her at her pace. Both of you together.
Get ready for disappointment. I had to get rid of a log of my own goals for this dynamic when we started because they were not inline with Little Peach’s. Even though we’ve been married for 12 years there was a lot of spots I was just plain wrong about.
Each dynamic is unique. Peach and I did start with a contract which we still update, she has no online presence, we don’t do maintenance spankings… everyone here is different. But you’ll find that the core values are very similar. Feed each other. Do NOT focus or work towards your own desires, but hers. Look after her needs and LISTEN to her. When it comes to your sub Be a selfless, egoless gentleman.
Good luck sir.
MemberNovember 16, 2019 at 3:17 pm
Thank you sir… the biggest past of listening to her will be to have her open up and express more – she is not a talker, especially about herself and her desires. When she does talk, I listen, and take what she says to heart. About half of my communication “rules” regarded ensuring that she continues to be heard and is in fact encouraged to express herself more even as she submits.
MemberNovember 18, 2019 at 10:14 pm
Getting some pushback in a key area. Asking for permission. I’m generally a pretty laid back guy but I do like to be included in decisions, particularly about how we spend our time and money. I’ve asked for Sabrina to ask permission when she plans things “out of the ordinary” that will take time away from “our time” that is unexpected. With both of us working, and both busy with church, kids, and sports, our time together is limited. And, I’ve asked her to ask permission when planning to spend money that is outside of our family budget. She is balking.
Even though she knows I will say “yes” 98% of the time to her, she is being a bit defiant about this. Working through it, but it brings up a question: where do others draw the line at what their subs can do freely without asking, versus what needs your permission? I have zero desire to be a micro-manager, but do want to be treated with respect and have the final say.
MemberNovember 25, 2019 at 10:26 pm
Had some great conversations with Sabrina on our short trip to Portland – now in sync about the rules/permission. Had an awesome play date and started our spanking regimen. A definite upswing.
MemberNovember 27, 2019 at 10:57 am
I missed this post and though we have got to chat quite a bit, wanted to post a welcome. I would echo Hermosa’s encouragement to find those things that feed both of you in some way. It can be easy to see something in someone else’s dynamic and try and force it in yours. In your case, the challenge good be having a long history in this and possibly trying to force something from a previous dynamic into your marriage to Sabrina.
We are slowly growing in permission and things like it as well. In my case, minx sees submission as her role and that drives her motivation for asking and she has been slowly adding things she asks about. I have been able to slowly build on that and it really feeds me when she asks. Has been neat to see her submission start to thrive even when the feelings of submission aren’t there for her. She says she has committed to it and is a choice she will make, regardless of feelings whenever possible.
From my side, though, I didn’t set out to have her ask for permssion as much but enjoy that it is building. However, my goal is to help her be a very capable co-pilot in our relationship so I one thing we have worked on is helping her take on things she hasn’t done before as a counterbalance to the permission aspect. For example, this past month, she and I went through how I do the budget together so she could start to learn how I do it in case I am unable to in the future for some reason.
MemberNovember 27, 2019 at 6:02 pm
@mrotw17, thanks for your thoughtful reply. Sabrina had to “carry” her previous marriage and had most of the responsibilities in it, and so adjusting to a marriage where I actually carry my load and then some has been an adjustment. She is a very capable person but as I’ve said to her many time, just because she -can- do something doesn’t mean I -want- her to. So there have had to be adjustments on both of our parts, but this was true not only with the D/s dynamic, but just what it meant to be in a marriage where one partner isn’t expected to handle all the heavy lifting.
In any case – we have continued to focus in this area, and I’m being patient in how I respond to situations in which she does not ask before acting.
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