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And so it begins
Seasons greetings to all.
So here is the Cliff Notes version of our story (bonus points for those who remember Cliff Notes)
A couple of months ago now my wife approached me about a D/s relationship. It was a bit of surprise to me, I had always been the he “Open minded” one of our relationship.
She had already done quite a bit of research, all stemming from her reading FSOG.
The first few weeks were a lot of fun, lots of sex, sly looks in public, you all know the story. So after a few weeks I decide to push her limits a slight bit for the first time. After some thought I decide anal would be a good way to go, it wouldn’t be the first time for us, not by far, but she hadn’t been much into it for a while. So the night comes, things go well, until penetration, long story short, it hurt more than expected. She hangs in there until I cum, not really letting on she is actually in pain. After, she rolls over, pissed off that I didn’t pick up on how much she hurt. I’ll leave the details of the argument that resulted, but in the end it was agreed that I cannot read her mind and there is a reason for safe words. There was much more than that involved, but I am already taking forever.
So weeks go by and things are going well, we have some fun rules, great sex and both feeling like we are much younger. Then I decide to push her comfort zone a bit again. This time, I decide to make it much more simple, this time I’m just going to refuse to turn off the light once we get started. So once again, things don’t go as planned. Sex ends with her climbing off me and rolling over in the bed, a short time later she grabs her phone and sends me a text saying she failed and she is sorry. So I’m laying there thinking I am now in a good place to dip a bit into punishment, nothing extreme, just dip a toe. So I tell her we will discuss it the next day, giving me time to do a little research and plan it out. Not taken well. Once again large argument, this time I wasn’t sensitive because I didn’t realized she was being humiliated. Now I knew she was not comfortable, but we had had sex during the day, so not like we were really on new ground. Once again, argument, once again the end result was I cant read her mind and she has to be honest in sharing her feelings, including using the safe words if necessary.
So we decide to take a couple of days and think about if a D/s relationship was right for us.
Several hours of thought and discussion later and we are stronger in the relationship than ever. Comfort level pushing is going to take a bit of a back burner for a while, but we will get there. I need to teach her patience first…
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7 Replies
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Welcome to the group, after reading your intro. I thought back to our start of this new dynamic. I read a post by one of the more experienced Sir’s slow is the best advice to start with. You might read all the posts from Mr. FOX from the beginning of his and LK ‘ S journey. It has helped me a lot. I hope the best for you on your journey. The gentlemen on the chats are very helpful and willing to share tips and info.
Regards M.R -
Redds Dom,
Cliff Notes… What… is there an app for that now?
In reading the summation of your journey to date I can feel some of your frustration in regards to ‘reading your submissives mind’. I can relate to these notions.
Allow me to suggest a post that I wrote that may help you think differently about these foggy moments.
This forum is about helping others along their journey into D/s so I will ask you a couple of questions.
What were you going to punish your submissive for?
This was probably a good time to communicate openly and honestly with her to discover what it was exactly that upset her or made her believe that she had failed you. Maybe a text back to her letting her know that you love her and that she didn’t fail you at all and that you are proud of her for trying so hard to be a good submissive for you.
Many new husDOMs underestimate the true desire that the submissive has to please her Dominant. As husband and wife this need to please you wasn’t really there. In your new D/s relationship your new submissive truly needs to know that she is pleasing you. You will need to tell her often that what she is doing does in fact please you and that you are proud of her. This encouragement is what she is craving. You need to feed her.
My next question is, have the two of your established rules? Does your submissive have a clear understanding of what offenses are punishable? Are they written down so she can see them and learn them?
If not how is she supposed to know what your expectations are?
And I would also echo M.R.’s sentiment of taking it slow.
Best wishes,
Mr Fox
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Thanks for the input.
The punishment would have been for not finishing the sexual encounter. What wasn’t included in the first post was that about two weeks earlier we started to have sex with the lights on and she told me to turn them off, I said no, she said yes and I turned the light off. Afterword, she expressed that if I really wanted to be her Dom, I was going to have to stand up to her and not let her influence me that way. So the next time I tried the light on I was going to stand my ground.
I didn’t text her back because I was right there next to her in the bed, that’s when I told her we would discuss it the next day. I was disappointed, she is beautiful and I love looking at her during sex, so that was a true emotion on my part.
We do have down time built in to our schedules, that is generally our time in the car, trips to the store or wherever give us a chance to openly discuss whatever is on our minds without worry.
Things on that front have gotten better, she asks for me to push, I am just careful and selective about how and when. She shared with me a post she had read on LKs site about having patience. She wants it all right now, but that just doesn’t work. I’ve had to remind her a couple of times that life is not a romance novel, we don’t have the luxury of having someone writing out our storybook story.
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<Hunter concentrates on response to ReddsDom…> Oh wait, he said he wasn’t a mind-reader…
First ReddsDom, Welcome to the Den!
I laugh as I read your introduction as it is the same path many a Dom has traversed to get here, yours truly included! It is a slow process and remember that “Slow is Fast”.
Afterword, she expressed that if I really wanted to be her Dom, I was going to have to stand up to her…
It is very much a head game with your sub in the dynamic and you have to learn to laugh. As the Dom, you set the direction and speed of your dynamic. Not fulfilling all of her expectations is a good thing. It shows her that you are in control and leaves her wanting more. A more that she will get when you allow it.
Keep in mind that part of the dynamic is both her training to please you and your learning on how to lead her. Take some time to slow down and think about how you will change the dynamic from the vanilla dynamic of the past to the D/s dynamic of the future. And take baby steps. The only people who matter in your D/s are you and your sub. Don’t try to grade yourself by others position along the dynamic.
I didn’t text her back because I was right there next to her in the bed, that’s when I told her we would discuss it the next day
I do have to laugh at one thing though, you are so were I was when your sub-wife texts you while you are laying in the same bed. Renn and I have had complete conversations with each other over cellular device laying next to each other. It was a sign of how comfortable we really were talking about our relationship openly. Start there and talk with your sub/wife about open, honest and face to face communication. The D/s is about trust and open communication. It is one of the foundational steps in developing a good dynamic. You have to learn to trust each other with hearing that you caused a train wreck and she didn’t like it. She has to learn the heart of submission. It takes time and can be the most fulfilling aspect as you dynamic and relationship develop.
Good Luck and welcome again!
The Hunter -
I had a similar experience with my slave and it was a repetitive cycle until I managed to get my head around it.
Basically because it is new it seems that she wants more eager to learn and she is trying to drive from below which is probably frustrating her and then hence causing the argument, while at the same time you are trying to learn as well as control which leaves you in a HUH? state.
It was a mindset change from my side which I think has fixed it, still learning and probably won’t stop until I am in the ground.
Communication is critical. My cheekyone finds it very hard to tell me what she wants or is feeling face to face as it funnily enough embarrasses her. We have started a blog as well so that I can write my point of view and she can write her point of view. She can’t be punished for what she says on the site however it allows me to read what she is feeling which is a very useful tool. It also allows her to see your point of view and hopefully be more accommodating and it should at least slow the topping from the bottom down.
A Blog may not be right for you so perhaps an open diary which you both can write in. Or as you have being doing via txt messages. We started off with e-mail but I deal with enough e-mail at work that I never read e-mail when I got home hence the problem with that method. Blog is great as when I am in the right mindset (not in work mode) I can log in and give it my full attention.
As I said I am still learning and this has worked for me hopefully it might help you as well.
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Welcome to the Den, ReddsDom. Thank you for sharing and all the comments.
Master Of cheekyone… great advice. My chryseis and I have started to do some journal in a shared Google doc with the same purpose and affect (as well as share things we have posted or read online). It has helped alot with the expression of these feelings as apposed to manifesting itself into frustration and topping from the bottom.
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Thank you for sharing your journey.
One thing for folks new to anal to remember is that it takes mental and physical preparation to be done enjoyably for her. If you decide you want anal then prepare her for it by having her use her butt plug. That will also mentally prepare her. I would advise that you should assume it will hurt and check in with her as you penetrate. An “are you ok”. She will appreciate your concern and it will go much smoother.
In regards to the lights having been off. Sounds like a body consciousness issue. Have you tried inspecting her with the lights on?
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