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You guys just "get it"
Hi everyone. I’m fairly new to this. I have been in and out of a relationship with the mother of my child for the last 5 years. We are both 28 and our daughter is 4.I’m going to call her M Recently she was dating someone else and long story short the man broke up with her stating a lot of the issues that I had in our relationship regarding her behavior. She came to me for solace and comfort, as well as sexual release. We continued to spend time together on the days following and have done so for the last month. I’m going to give some brief history. She broke up with me twice because she found folders on my computer containing non-explicit pictures of women in my life I have been attracted to, a kind of trophy room, the first time. The second time I was having inappropriate conversations with the half-sister of my half-sister, not related to me, and as you can imagine, that did not go over well. I have broken her trust in more ways than one. This woman though, I feel as though I did not know what I had. So to continue, we split up for the second time last year, being october of 2014. So last month, the beginning of march, all this happened with a guy she had been dating she met online. I spent the time with her, comforting her, happy just to have her around. I am not proud of my inability to take command of my relationship and figure out how to make her please me, as well as reward her for doing so. Since they split up, she has broken down emotionally on a couple occasions. Once spurred on by her sister getting in it with her about the same issues I have had, as did the guy she dated. Namely, deflecting blame, not owning up to shortcomings, and generally getting angry and defensive. In order to free her mind of this guy, I began to firmly slap her hand when she held it out after any mention of him. Now I’m going to be honest here, and I hope you guys can keep an open mind and hear me out. Fifty shades of grey recently came out, and she had read the books previously. During one of our downtimes where our daughter was sleeping, keeping in mind i live with my family (and her with hers, although at this point we were at my home) we decided to watch it together, despite knowing it might be terrible. Throughout this movie i asked her more about the book, and the scenes occurring as well as her knowledge of the lifestyle. she surprised me by saying she had been studying it on her own and was talking to “doms” on plentyoffish about it. I told her there is noone on this planet i would rather have that relationship with, and further enlightened her as to the dark fantasies constantly going through my head, as for the first time, i felt i did not have to fear her reaction. I had told her previously that I keep myself and my thoughts reined in but never before explained them in detail. THe following afternoon I went online and ordered a corset, vibrator, wand, backbinder, grip cuffs, a collar, and various other accotremont then send her a picture message of the receipt. She was quite surprised and pleased. She herself wanted a corset for good posture. Now, a few days later she called me saying she had a story to tell, somtime in the afternoon. She had gone to a doms house she had met online, driven there naked under her clothes, and upon arrival been asked to kneel. his dick came out, and then he started telling her how he might be getting back together with his ex as some sort of poorly timed disclaimer. She said she was all set, redressed, and left, calling me immediately afterwards. Now my innate reaction is to be angry and possessive. I am typically not a jealous person, but here is the mother of my child, who i once thought of as my dream girl, performing fantasies with strangers. I think of myself as an understanding man, and I am happy to have the chance to open up this dialogue with her like we had, so I chose instead to hear her story, and let it go. This girl didnt get to experiment when she was young, like I did. I felt this same confliction many times throughout this last month. I want this girl all for myself. Trying to stay in chronological order while expressing my feelings as they pop up, I dont want to forget any of whats going through my mind, and hopefully, what i understand is going through hers. A few days after the dom she saw, we have her family’s house to ourself. I ask her about a toy she has upstairs that i find while helping make her bed and organize her room, as we often do together, for each other (I realize I may have to change this and set rules regarding her cleanliness, seems pretty basic but often overlooked.) It is a feather tickler with a little pad on the end. I ask her if she even likes it. She proceeds to ask me to stand up and hold out my wrists coming over with handcuffs. I readily hold them out and let her handcuff me, she then blindfolds me and asks me to stand there. She begins to run the feather across my skin, occasionally smacking me. Alternating between the two, she honestly did an excellent job. My body was imagining things like her dipping it in water, something about being snesory deprived, your imagination runs wild. She finished by taking my cock into her mouth and kissing it, then making me pull my feet through my cuffs to get my hands in front, and unlock myself. A fun game indeed. We got the penetration toys in the mail first, and used them for two days, even making me late to work because i loved watching her cum. The corset came in and we tried on that, I even bought her a hat online she had made note of as a reward for trying these new things with me. A couple days afterwards, she informed me she was speaking to another dom, who insisted she call him daddy, let him know where she is at all times, turn on read receipts for text messages, and give her plentyoffish account to him so he could delete it. THis is the woman i want submitting to me submitting to another man, although I can see how it may be easier to start fresh for her, as I have to remold our dynamic to make this work. Mainly my behavior as a dom. I feel as though she WANTS to submit, she just needcs the proper hand to guide her. I desire to make myself a better man so as to better care for her, and reward her for submitting to me, and the guidelines i set for her to, in turn, better herself, according to the conclusions we come to in our now very open and frank conversations. Now in the last couple days I have expressed to her my anger and jealousy of how she behaves for these strangers. We have both readily acknowledged that Ihave seen the darkness in each her and know her as well as one can be expected, with the time we have had together, but she feels she has not seen mine. Today is now a month since we first started talking again, namely in this sense. She has expressed how I have hurt her, and I make her feel guilty for what she is doing, talking to these people, and thinking of meeting/experimenting with them. She says I have no right, and that I have chosen to discuss these things with her, and that despite our play, she can just as easily just not tell me about it. A few days ago an ex girlfriend of mine stopped into my work, and I said hi to her at the bar. I told her how my exgf came in with fuck me eyes with a girlfriend of hers, and when she learned i would be there later than she could stay, said “your loss”, clearly insinuating we would have a threesome. When I texted this to her she said she wasnt happy. As in, upset with me, and angry. The next day I explained to her that I had a problem. If I do something as innocent as speak to an exgf, and relay how I found it funny she would come in with another girl, wanting to sleep with me, although I do nothing, she feels the right to get angry, and express how if I did do anything she wouldnt want to spend time with me in the capacity that we have been. I however, am expected to hear these stories, and watch her do these things, without being affected in a negative way. I explained how I desired noone else, and how this new dynamic we had started developing was beginniong to fulfill whatever it was that drove me to be interested in other women. I will acknowledge that some of this is the chase, and wanting something I am denied, but i have gone back to this girl before, and she will always draw me back. I explained how in order to be with the girl I wanted to, I have to watch her do these things without doing them myself, or expressing my dissapproval. I explained how I feel this stuff is dont best with someone she can trust, who truly cares for and wants the best for and out of her, and someone who KNOWS her. Her body, and her soul. Now since that conversation she has still spoken to this Daddy character, although she has not met him in person. I have expressed how I did not want her to, and that we should instead look into furthering our education together, at the hands of others more experienced, rather than separate. This serves two purposes to me, one I dont have to decide so soon how far I want to push us being exclusive, how, or I could even handle making that happen properly. two, I i don’t have to abstain from verbally and physically expressing my disapproval of her behavior because she wont be doing these things that make me feel this way. I want to do this right, earn her trust, and make her want to please me. I am looking for ways to punish that are not just physical, as she just smiles when she does something wrong, like a little brat, knowing i am going to hurt her, which she likes. I dont want to abuse her, perhaps tasks of some sort. I also want to find ways to get her to explain what she expects from me without having to “top from the bottom” as they call it, perhaps through writing assignments or a journal, i am not sure. I want her to feel what she should feel, which is that I am dominant and in control, capably guiding her and myself. My biggest dilemma right now is as I see it, hinging on two factors. One, how do I do this right, and make her want to submit to me, and me alone, no longer desiring the attentions of these men online. how do I send chills down her spine and make her feel safe. I have even started exercising and building muscle mass, a first in my life, as I have always been 6 feet 167 pounds of skinny guy with dreadlocks, in order to further represent the solidarity I want to be in her life. She is an attractive girl and lacks no interest from the opposite sex. Although our sex is amazing, words from her own mouth. The second dilemma, is how do I reward her for her good behavior, and how do I define what is good in a way that is not, well, master/slave behavior. I want a sub, not a slave. I guess I am looking for help with everything, feel free to criticize or ask for further details about ANYTHING. I am an open book, this is a chance I do not want to miss, and I am looking to express myself as my true self, not the person I have kept hidden for the sake of avoiding conflict. My end goal is to be the DOM I am meant to be, and help her to serve/obey/grow better. BTW If i started to repeat myself or lose direction in my summary, I am trying to spill it out to the best of my ability, but also as quickly as I can, as I am anxious to start hearing from others.
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2 Replies
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Damn iPad wiped my attempt at a post…
Simply put, you’ve got a couple of basic issues…
1) monogamy. You’re not happy with her looking at other potential Doms. Fair enough. I’d be insanely jealous if my love looked at other dons and I know she’d kill me if I looked at otter subs. If you’re not happy with your girl looking for other men then say so. But you need to abide by the same rules. NAND she needs to believe that you will….mlesding into…
2) trust. This is the absolute foundation for any reflation ship but triply so god a D/s relationship. Your girl must absolutely trust that you’re a nan of your word and that you CAN be trusted in all areas. Unfortunately, tryst is earned not automatically given. You’ve got a couple of misdemeanors so you need to Work doubly hard. But you can get there.Once you’ve establushed some basic ground rule about your relationship in these areas. Then start on the d/s relationship. But if you don’t have these sorted, trust me… The D/s side, long term will go to (pardon the expression) shit.
Details about D/s stuff, rules, rituals, punishments, rewards can be sorted later, but you need to commit and be trustworthy and your girl needs to know that.
My thoughts.
HerSir
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HerSir,
Totally agree…
I believe that there is a major trust issue here…
Communication, Communication and more Communication… http://www.husdom.com/downtime
Best wishes,
Mr Fox
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