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Where There's a will… There's a Way…..Forward
Hi,
I don’t really know where to start. I guess I’ll start with who I am and What brought me here. I was raised to be a man, a strong man… a man’s man I would say. I was always fighting to prove my mettle growing up, got into a lot of trouble, I joined the military after 9/11 to “kill people in the face” as we like to call it. I became a paratrooper and served with the 173rd Airborne Brigade and fought with and like-minded men for 9+ years till I changed duty stations. I’ve fought with the best. I learned a lot, saw a lot and I thought it made me better and proved that I was a man. I don’t struggle with PTSD like many others so I figure I could take anything and had the Ego and chip on my shoulder to prove it. I thought I was a Dominant man. Not as in this lifestyle but I guess in the more traditional way.
After my first divorce I met a woman we’ve been together for about 4 years, married for a year and a half. She had brought BDSM up to me before which I thought was a “fun idea” but it weirder me out. I thought even though I enjoy inflicting pain on others people who did that to someone they love must have something wrong with them. The idea died out… no doubt from my lack of openness to it.
I’m in Korea now she brought up the subject again and I thought she had met someone. I went into panic mode made her feel weird and fucked up… I told her it was weird and fucked up… She said she understands it’s not my fault I can’t change it… that you have to be born with it so I felt it painted me into a corner that I couldn’t get out of and lashed out further deteriorating the situation. I judged her instead of talking to her… but I figured ok… let me look into this but it was too late we are having major marriage problems… it was too late even before she brought it up but I guess that was her way of throwing me a line. Then I joined this site
She was and still is my Great Love.
After the anger… through the grief we talked and I found out that I wasn’t giving her what she needed. See, I thought this was just something to do… like joining a baseball team or something. It is much more serious to her. I’ve come to the conclusion it’s a fundamental need to her. Like, emotional, physical, psychological needs and if you don’t meet these needs it qualifies as neglect… and when you neglect someone’s needs like emotional… it’s abuse. I was abusing her this whole time and I didn’t even know it because we didn’t communicate like we should have beenThen I read an article on here
https://husdom.com/dominant-and-domineering/
Holy shit, MIND BLOWN! I wasn’t Dominant at all. I was Domineering. Just about everything would fit the description of me
“A domineering person often exercises arbitrary and overbearing control over others.”
“This type of person likes to control people or situations for the sole purpose of being in control and will not tolerate any questioning of his authority”
“This type of person seldom apologizes and does not take any personal responsibility for their actions. If they do apologize it is usually condescending and insincere in nature”
“They will blame their mistakes on others and usually start an argument with the other person to avoid conversation.”
“A domineering person is a selfish person
This type of person tends to always be asking, “What is in it for me?” They tend to be self-serving and are not concerned about what is in the best interest of their submissive but rather what satisfaction they can receive from their own actions. This type of person will put his feelings and needs above that of his submissive’s. This will leave the emotional and physical needs of the submissive unmet.”
“A domineering person fails to properly communicate.
This type of person seldom solicits input or listens to suggestions from others, especially from their submissive. They also fail to explain themselves or their point of view. They will often become angry or agitated when asked about their decisions. A domineering person is always threatening to get his way sometimes even threatening to withdraw all together”All of these things portrayed me.
Here I thought I was a man’s man… nope… just a scared man. We got to a point where a decision had to be made. Stay, or leave, I have every reason to leave… but so does she. I want to work it out and she said she’s willing to try. So here I am trying to fix what I broke. She’s very important to me even when I can express myself correctly.
A Major concern I have that yall might have some experience in is, I’m in Korea, she’s in the states. How can I make this work from here? I know it’s a conversation I need to have with her but if she’s giving me all the answers to the test that’s not really Dominant is it? I’ve been doing some reading and wouldn’t that be topping form the bottom? Anyhow, looking forward to seeing where this goes. Thank you all -
16 Replies
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Yea.. that’s what I wasn’t understanding… but I’m getting the picture. and that’s all I ever wanted to be.. for her
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Never too late! Welcome to HusDOM.
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Julio,
Welcome to husDOM™.
What a wonderful and touching introduction. I would like to learn that you and your submissive are still progressing along your journey.
Best wish,
Mr Fox
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Julio,
Welcome to Husdom. I feel ya brother. Same thing with me and my wife. I had NO CLUE. Hell we were both Military (i’m out now, wife is still in). Now we are on the edge of a divorce (two days after she got back from downrange! she told me–after I had been holding down the fort with the kids!) That is what led me here. Lots of guys with similar stories. I agree on the dominant/domineering blog. This whole journey for me has been mind blowing. I found that I actually liked some of the things she thought she was into and that scared me b/c I was not “supposed” to be that guy. But she wanted more…. and I really had no idea what she meant and how open and trusting this lifestyle forces you to be. So instead, we were both miserable… and neither were getting what we wanted… and that led to lots of other issues.And then I found this site (after a few months of learning more about BDSM from other sources). It has been awesome so far. Reach out to anyone on here for guidance and advice. Several with military backgrounds and similar stories. Join in on the chat rooms when time allows.
unfortunately, my wife and I are living separate now due to short notice PCS… and she is convinced/determined on getting a divorce, but as I am working through a lot of this, I have hope because I FINALLY understand what she was saying all those years. I would really be lost and think “yeah, we really weren’t a great fit” if I did not find this.
It may be good for her to find the sister site. I hear it is good for the relationship. for example the other subs talk about how to “guide” and encourage the Dom to achieve his Domness or something like that. How many days you got left in Korea… assuming 1 yr remote. If you have not had your R and R… the R and R time would be ideal time to make sure ayll connect in this way… but you will need to spend some time on here first.
good luck my brother in arms.
LDD
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Well. I havent been on in quite a while. I havent given up.. i was focused when i wasnt in the field or at work
i read over13 books available from amazon.. mostly Dom books.. two submissive books,Online DBSM books,LDR bdsm books.. i made a 1in 3 ring binder of noted on all different subjects
We started putting things into play but problems persisted.. everything was going well.. i had “rescued” her from the man she was cheating with but ultimately she has strong feelings for the other guy and she felt traooed by me even though she wanted me to do all these things.. she wanted me to be her Sir and Daddy.. she said she still loves me and doesnt want to lose me
I told her yesterday that she needs to have space to figure it out and told her if she chooses him to call me or message me first to let me know to walk away.
Thats where im at right now.. in the hurtlocker (no military pun intended.. that movie was dismal)
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Im here till October.. 9 month rotation unit.. we dont get the perks 🙂 R&R would help things emensely but its just not possible.. and i dont have the money to fly her over in the summer so im just waiting for her decision
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Julio,
I can image how you may feel, although I haven’t been married to the girl it was happening with. It is great that you do not give up, I did and it took years to understand what was happening. You are trying to step up and that is all that matters. Make sure she knows. It will take time. Having problems is always a sign for change and a great possibility to grown together and personally. Track every feeling down to the source and you will find a solution that is at least working for you. I hope you even find a solution that doesn’t exclude your wife as well.
Concerning your wife. I sounds to me that she has desires that are hard to control, but she seems to struggle at a different point. I assume she feels that she has to decide between you and her desires. Am I correct? In this case I would try to take the burden off of her. Tell her that your respect her needs, that sex is a pleasure for the body and your relationship a pleasure for your hearts.
I once had a kinky girl that wanted an open relationship. I refused and lost her as she was not strong enough to wait for my development. Now I have to admit, that I could have agreed to it. I do not regret my decision.
The only question I would ask in your situation is, if you can accept her needs and use it to your good? Many things may look strange, I couldn’t imagine to whip my sub for fun either. Having a third party involved is something totally different. The “open” girl I have been with always said, that sex and love is a different thing. I didn’t got it, but now I know D/S can offer this to you. Give you a structure to cope with this. For example. My sub prefers a man looking like “Mats Hummels”. Unfortunately I do not look similar to him, but she still loves me for my being her loving Dom. We can talk about these matters, I don’t like it, but I know her submission is more worth. I cannot grant her every wish. I have to accept that as you might have to accept the same for your case.
However, I will try to suggest a small solution. Perhaps you introduce some Downtime via Internet and try to show her that you are willing to learn, to adopt. You can tell her that you have problems but that you dont judge over her. That it is great that she is willing to tell you. Make her comfortable with sharing her feelings and make it a relief for her. Perhaps she will see that you are looking for her best and submit to you. If you prefer a different lifestyle I heard of couples where both partners have the right to live their kink side with someone else.I wish you all the best
Peter -
I appreciate it but thats not the problem.. i have no problem doing the things she wants done. I have a better understanding of “why”.. the problem is she feels like she loves this man also. She would never be with both.. I couldnt do that either. That was made very clear on her part and then on mine.. she wants her life and she can have it with both.. so she wsnts to decide whos best for her.. needless to say we habe a lot of history.. 1/2 great 1/2 bad. They have all good.. brief but good.. filled with hope amd promises and no pain. Its hard to compete with. It wouldnt be so difficult for me either but we just had a baby girl who turns 1 in June
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It’s a fucked up hand you have been dealt. The basis of all this stuff is trust. How many more deployments do you anticipate in the future? She needs to earn your trust back so the next deployment doesn’t leave you in the same boat. Living with doubt all the time is no way to live.
On the other hand, you get home and things get really really good. You have history on your side as well as a daughter together. You might not be there but you still have the advantage in my opinion.
Hate to say this but if she chooses to pursue her fantasy with this new guy, she is a bigger mess than you ever were. And now you are a much better man inside. As DOM said much earlier, you have had your Ah ha moment. Your life will never be the same. Hopefully your wife will wise up and get to enjoy the full benefits of the enlightened you.
I breezed thru some of the responses here but you have the option of encouraging her to join submrs.com There are some wise subbies over there that will help her. I’m guessing the general advice she would get would be to grow up and wise up. They might be your best allies in this. You have zero to lose in that regard. I’m not sure if you’ve told her about HusDOM and your growth here. Just my two cents.
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Hey Man. Stay strong and work on you. You cant control things from the other side of the map. You can only plant the seed and see what happens. its a hard road. ultimately you have to be willing to walk your own path and then in October, see how things are. Not the answer you want to hear. The real question is for her to decide which is the real love and which is the infatuation.. who she may want to build a life with, or not.
As I realized…. this journey has to be for me…. to make me a better man, lover, husband, Dom and husdom If my wife happens to respond, then great. We can do this together. But when we are apart, she cannot see the growth, cannot feel a different level of confidence, calm, assertiveness. No amount of words I say can convey that to her. I can plant seeds of discussion, like talk about things I have learned about me.. areas where I can see how things did not go as well for us in x y z area, etc. I can ask questions and get to understand her more. but at the end of the day, unless I am there, for her to feel safe in my presence, to feel trusting in what I have become, then there is only so much I can do. I can plan; I can learn; I can hone my skills… apply calm, confidence, commitment, balance in all areas of my life so that when I get to those moments, I am ready to see what happens. Don’t wait on her to decide. Her decision at this point is irrelevant. Its all hormonal; its based in fear and uncertainty… fear of you not being there now; fear of what she wants; fear of having a 1 year old… you name it. so relax as best you can. absorb as much as you can from here. Start drafting the battle plan, then the pre-deployment training plan that you are ready to engage. good luck.
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Yea yall are on point with everything.. thats what im doing.. just focusing on me.. taking college courses.. continueing to study the life. She will figure it out or ill just be the perfect man for someone else.. its just a shitty situation..
I told her about the sister site.. she was interested then the next day we had an honest conversation.. and i gave her space.. i figured if she came back id direct her to the site again..your right though.. may doo good to have her on there through this.
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If she does register, try and find out what her username is and I will have my Curvy reach out and say hi. You have to reassure her that you will not go snooping on that page and you will trust her not to snoop on our page. This is a great way to start rebuilding trust
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Yea we still talk..she says shes miserable when she cant talk to me.. we actually still make plans for the future.. we discussed college and everything.. i brought it up to her but she said maybe when everything is sorted out..idk. that she justbneeds to be able to step away and think.. but im like well do i be here for her and be vunerable..becuae id she decides to go the other way.. it will just be another experience i dont wish to re-live… or do i completely stay away till she makes up her mind ad risk her thinking i dont care or ive moved on…. i already told her im the better man and for many reasons that may sound arrogant bjt they are all true..but its her decision… im just focusing raiseing my value i told her i am or will be all these things for her( i listed them) OR i could bebthe lerfect man for someone else.
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Can she see all this? Is it not member viewing only?
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She isn’t supposed to be able to. You can access another computer and try to access without an account. Shouldn’t be able to see this. However, nothing keeps her from making her own account and snooping. That rarely if ever happens. We try very hard to not let that happen.
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Yea i supposed this si true
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