-
Starting over.
Sorry about the wall o text!
A little about us. I’m 48, waw is 55. I’m English, waw is American. We live in the UK now after several years on the West Coast.
We’re in a monogamous ‘nilla’ relationship, although we are currently separated. She moved out last September, after 25 years together (24 married). TBH, I don’t blame her. We had reached a point where our situation was intolerable. It wasn’t pretty. Too many years wasted because we both struggled to lead, in daily life. I wanted to BE IN CHARGE, but beta’ed out all the time, and ‘waw’ felt that she had to take charge as i wouldn’t. So when I did try to TAKE CHARGE, it caused a power struggle. I resented her for not ‘obeying me’ (though I didn’t know how to lead) causing me to get angry, and she resented me for being a doormat with anger issues.
It was messy. And partly why we split up.When we did, i realised i needed to work on me, not us. A mistake we’d made in the past. So i hit the books, got into counselling, started at the gym, joined forums that I felt would help me (including being invited onto a D/s sub forum of a relationship forum). And It’s working. My confidence has increased, and I’ve worked on not simply feeling ‘anger’, but the actual feelings causing the ‘anger’. What’s behind the red mist. A long way to go, but I’m determined to get there. My life has turned around, seen by myself, work and family, and waw. I’m learning to be IN control, not controlling. To dominate, without being domineering.
Waw has seen the changes. The actions, not just the words. And she’s responding to it. With positive results. We’re still separated, but our life has begun anew. With respect, communication, TRUST, and a level of understanding that we haven’t had in over 15 years.
She is being drawn back to the man she has known i should be, could be. Which is why things are also changing at night. We’re beginning at least a bedroom D/s relationship. Totally new to both of us, but something that it seems we’ve been needing. To finally establish the dynamic in our new relationship.
Things have definitely changed. Including our sex life, which is more active than it’s been in over decade. And i’ve gradually introduced some D/s aspects into the bedroom. Vanilla with some cinnamon, if you will
waw and I got fooling around at a hotel after a concert a couple of weeks ago. VERY hot n heavy, intense. I was instructing her on what to do, how to position herself, restraining her (by holding her arms down), etc. To which she was very compliant. Completely gave herself over to me and what I wanted to do to her. At one point she had her legs around my waist and I was holding her arms, and I bodily picked her up and better positioned her on the bed. She loved it all.
I eventually ‘finished’, but realised she wasn’t ‘there’ yet, so I got to work finishing her ‘manually’, as usual in those situations. Then I tried a gamble.
As she was about to come, I said “No. You will not come yet. You’re not allowed to come until I say so”.
I kept stimulating her, clitorally, for several minutes. She was desperate to come, but wouldn’t, she was fixated on waiting for my permission.
When I gave it, “OK, come. NOW!” she went off like a rocket. She hasn’t come like that in years.
Even after that she wasn’t done. So I did it again. “Don’t come until I say so”
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
“OK, NOW!”BOOM!
And again, and again.
Over and over again. After about the 3-4th time she began to come so hard she would ejaculate. After the 6th time, I thought it best to take a break. (NOT crowing about this, just stating what happened as it’s NEVER happened before)
But she was still “on fire”, as she put it. Her whole body was in spasm. She was totally in the moment. She had no awareness, she told me she only wanted to keep coming. This is when she told me she wanted to be my “subservient” (bless her heart, she obviously meant submissive, but doesn’t even know the term)
So after 10 minutes of her pleading, and me instructing her to wait, I went back to ‘work’.
The 7th time, the last time, she went stratospheric. It was kinda awesome to watch. I’ve never seen her come so hard.
I told her that was enough for the night, and to go to sleep now. She was passed out in seconds, wrapped around me like I was the last floating deckchair on the Titanic!
I woke at 5:30am, and wondered if the previous night was a one off. So I started again. Stimulating her, clitorally/vaginally. It wasn’t a one off.
So I did the same thing again.
“Don’t come until I tell you”.
“NOW!”
BOOM.
Over and over again. She was back in that same space.
After 30 mins of this, I switched to G-Spot stimulation. Previously she’s always said she didn’t like it because it made her feel uncomfortable. And when I was ‘beta’, I’d accepted that and stopped trying.
This time she told me that it always made her feel like she wanted to pee. A lightbulb went off in my head. I explained female ejaculation, and that the ‘needing to pee’ feeling was her body about to ejaculate. That she needed to trust me, and go with it. But only when I told her she could come.
You can guess the rest. Another 40 minutes, of G-Spot massage, and cumming on my instruction, over and over. Once she knew that it was OK, that she wasn’t actually peeing, she totally relaxed into it, stopped thinking about it. And would gush every time I said “Now!”.
I also told her to verbalise what she wanted (“to come!”), how (“by your hand”), and when (“NOW!”) and to scream when she came. She did all of it. No questions, no hesitation.
Eventually, around 7am, I slowed it down and stopped. Took her in my arms and held her until she came back down.
She thanked me repeatedly. That I had brought her ‘mojo’ (her word) back, that she thought she’d lost it, years ago. And that she wanted to do all the things I want to try, anything I want to try, with her.
I told her that I would be willing to explore this new area with her, but gradually, carefully. That we will only do this as a partnership, a team. That there will be boundaries, limits, safe words, a structure.
She’s adamant that this will be a bedroom only situation, and I agree. But I think this is the start of something.
We then recently spent a week in Spain together (I was working there on a project), on the last night, waw asked that we just have a slow, loving quicky, instead of the much longer sessions we’d been having since arriving.
Her resolve lasted about 10 minutes, then she begged me to go back to instructing me and taking control. She wants this change. She likes it. It’s at the point where I have to tell her it’s time to stop, or she would keep cumming. She tells me (at the time) that all that matters to her is cumming, it’s the only thing in her head (subspace?) . That she wants to be my wh*re.
So I gently tell her that she has been, but now it’s time to come down, that she’s my Wife now, in this moment , not my wh*re. I move her to a comfortable position, put the quilt over her and tell her to sleep now. She drops right off, as instructed. Then I move away and let her be. Touching her fires her up again, which negates what I’ve told her. That the session is over (aftercare?) .
There’s no spanking, or any form of ‘punishment (though if she does cum, without permission, I stop what I’m doing and sternly advise her of the “rule”, for which she profusely apologises and begs me to continue) . Nor any restraint, except my instructing her to put her hands over her head, for instance, and not move her body, no matter what. (tbh, that’s something she would do in our previous marriage, but for a different reason. IE: “starfish”).
But she’s a good girl. She won’t move, though I can see she desperately wants to. Until I give her permission. At which point she goes ballistic.
And the cumming on demand is now almost a requirement, for her. As we were supposed to be taking it easy that night, I told her I wouldn’t be telling her when to cum, but she had to tell me when she was going to. After the first 2-3 times, she begged me to give her permission again. To tell her when she could cum. So I did.
We’re both wondering where this multi-orgasmic, peak riding, (loud) woman came from. But she’s loving it. Inhibitions are gone, she gets lost in what she’s feeling, nothing else matters. While she rides the waves, she looks at me for approval, sees it, and goes off again!
She wants this power exchange. She wants to sub. In the bedroom. During the day, she pushes back when she feels I’m controlling her. But at night, she has come to need it.
It’s a massive change, in our dynamic. One we both have been looking for. I’m truly grateful to the help I had on the other D/s site for allowing me to join the group. It’s made a failing relationship into something new. Better.
At a much respected friends suggestion, I’ve joined HD, as I want to expand on my knowledge. Both of us were abused, physically and mentally as children. So there are aspects of BDSM that I can’t even look at, although I totally respect those that do practice those aspects. No judging. As I said above, there’s no spanking, or physical punishment. If we tried it, right now, we’d both get freaked out. But I have a feeling HD would be of benefit to me, as it appears to be more about the power exchange than the physical.
It’s a slightly unusual situation, in that we’re separated, in different houses (a block from each other), but working hard at making our ‘new’ relationship work. We refer to each other as “the worst separated couple, ever”
Thank you for reading all this. I hope it gives you a better understanding of where I’m coming from.
-
24 Replies
-
DayOne,
Welcome to husDOM…
An important detail to always remember is that your personal dynamic is exactly that, personal and yours. There will never be two dynamics that are exactly the same. As you and your waw continue along your journey allow it to migrate where it naturally wants to flow. It is yours and allow it to satisfy the two of you…
There is nothing about D/s that says that it has to incorporate BDSM…
I am confident that husDOM will be of benefit to you and I am equally as sure that the members of husDOM will benefit form your experience as well…
Best wishes,
Mr Fox
-
Damn good read. How are yall doing now?
-
Day One,
Welcome to husDom and thanks for sharing your story. I can feel the excitement and restoration you are experiencing pouring from your words. If I may give some unsolicited advice, I want to suggest you begin regular downtime in which you listen to her and praise her for all the good she is doing and you can begin to set forth some goals and expectations for yourself and for her. If you are unfamiliar with downtime, type it into the search bar and you will get a lot or links. Start with blogs from Mr. Fox. Seems like you are riding the wave now but you will need good communication to establish a foundation and downtime is how you do it. Make sure she speaks to you respectfully and as a submissive but lovingly lead and listen to her as well. Second, as a way of encouragement, I think you may well discover that D/s and even BDSM has a way of redeeming and restoring past hurts from abuse. There is a fresh recontextualization that for many is often healing. Not suggesting to rush to whips and chains but just file it away in the back of your mind and be open to the possibilities. There may be some practices that are forever hard limits for both or either of you but there is so much room for creativity as to not need to be permanently closed off. Finally, while it is good to have some heat between the sheets, I hear that you are really wanting to rebuild your marriage and relationship. You will find a ton of help here and many Doms who can sympathize with your situation. Time here will not be wasted but what I hear from your words is the need to fundamentally rebuild your relationship outside the bedroom. It can be done. You will find help here. Instituting downtime will help. Owning past mistakes and being able to set forth direction for the future will as well. I look forward to hearing more of your journey.
Wishing you the best,Thanatoi
-
Thanks for the replies. An update is in order. Since April, things have gone better, week by week. As far as repairing our marriage goes. D/s not so much. But, for right now, I’m good with that. There’s a lot of healing that needs to happen, trust to be regained, of her in me, first. Sex is still pretty much vanilla. BUT… it’s happening. And it’s happening as a result of the work we’re doing. She’s opening up to me, mentally and physically, because of who I’ve become. NOT the guy she left. The guy she couldn’t trust, rely on, love. Feared even.
That’s all changed. For the better. She trusts me now, is no longer (as) afraid of me. She comes to me, without the fear in her eyes. Knows she can tell me what’s on her mind without being put down or dismissed. We’re getting the foundations laid. Foundations that (IMO) need to be there before we move on, especially into exploring a PE relationship. This is the ‘long game’, and I’m playing to win.
The biggest result of this new relationship is that she’s moving back in with me, in a week’s time. We’ve discussed it long and hard, and feel we’re in a complete 180 from where we were this time last year, and confident we can continue to work on this together in the same house again.
I don’t consider this to be a finish line, that everything is all good now. In fact I frame it for myself that the hard work begins now. I have to be the guy i’ve turned myself into, 24/7. Everything I’ve done has to have become ingrained, reprogrammed, for this to work. And the same for her. It has to be a mindset for me. That I haven’t ‘won’.
She’s still nervous. TBH, so am i. There are still triggers, ghosts of the past, that can cause flare ups. BUT, we’re so much better equipped to deal with them. They’re brief, barely even flickers rather than flames. And we work through them. And every time we do, we grow stronger and closer.
Still a long way to go, but we’re much further along the road.
-
Very encouraging amigo
-
Great story. I am encouraged by your progress. Keep pushing my friend. Rome was not built in a day. When we change our behaviors for the better, we become better people. I can tell you are growing in your leadership role. Keep pressing on and pushing through.
-
Very hot..hope it works!
-
She stayed over the last couple of nights. All very low key, “downtime” i guess you’d call it. Gave us a chance to discuss how this is going to work going forward. All on course for resuming a married life together. I know she’s having a hard time, financially, so I’ve offered to ‘carry her’ for the first two months, giving her chance to sort herself out. Which was appreciated and well received. Though she was nervous about whether I was actually ‘OK’ about it. There was even some ‘brattiness'(?) from her, caused by her fears and subsequent acting out, but got that sorted and reassured.
Our verbal interactions seem to be, on the most part, a lot more productive than we’ve achieved pre-Dday. There’s no escalations, no inability to work friction out. No fighting. I don’t dismiss her, and her needs, as I was wont to do previously. I think she does ‘test’ me, on occasion, to see if i’m the guy she left, or the one she’s coming back to. And so far, I’ve passed the tests, hers and mine. She’s not afraid of me anymore.
And we need that. The trust, the lack of fear, the belief, if we’re going to be able to move forward.
On the nocturnal side of things, there’s a definite improvement. Last evening I took her through some ‘toy’ options at an online shop. Partly to gauge her interest, and partly to see what she might be into. Something she’s been very a closed book to. I need a bench-line to work from. Not easy with someone as repressed as she is.
The result of which is that there will be some toys ordered. Ben-Wa, plugs, restraints, and a flogger (which surprised the hell out of me) were on her “I’d like to try” list.
Also showed her some Shibari pictures. Which she gave a very positive response to. Again, surprising, as she’s been in the past of the opinion that BDSM is about pain and hurting each other. But after several months of trying to (in my own noob way) show her it’s not that, she seems to be warming to the idea.
Proved later in our not quite vanilla session as I tied her arms to the head board, for the first time ever, and went to work on her. Very enthusiastic and wet response. Definite potential there.
Still just a couple of noobs playing at D/s for now, but on the road to finding something more.
-
It’s done. We’re now officially living together again.
-
Awesome to hear, congratulations!
-
Congratulations Sir…
Bst wishes,
Mr Fox
-
She also likes being tied, something we reaffirmed last night! Had our first proper ‘bound’ session. Spread-eagle style, wrists and ankles. She loved it. She also likes the feeling of being ‘confined’, something she discovered when trying on corsets for the first time recently.
Put the two together, and ‘shibari’, IMO.She’s seen pictures of roped women, and it definitely pushed a button. Something we want to explore.
Also last night she told me again that she wants to be a submissive. To have me take the lead. This is definitely turning into something more than a “bit of fun”, for both of us. The trust is there, the communication is growing, and her sexual nature is emerging. ( I think I may be creating a monster!)
I’d like to ask you a question, and I hope it’s not TMI.
Something I’ve noticed, in sessions, is that I get so into the headspace, that I don’t come. Stay hard, for ages (cialis helps), but don’t cross the finish line. I’ve mentioned it before, but thought I’d bring it up again (so to speak! 😀 ). My focus is purely on her, my ‘sub’, and what I’m doing to her. My need to ‘finish’ is not…required, for me. My head is somewhere else, a different mindset.
I think what I will do is have sessions for ‘her’, and sessions where I instruct her to focus on me. Recent events have shown that she gets even more worked up when she is instructed to pleasure me.
This is all new, so playing it as it comes (so to speak!) and not placing limits on how we play while we find out what works. Just having a hell of a good time.
-
Day One,
I have really appreciated your story and progress and that you keep coming back with updates. Glad you are seeing such success and finding fulfilment in the restoration of your relationship and growth of your D/s. As for not being able to cross the finish line, I have experienced that on ocassion when deep in my own Sade-space or when sl has been ravaged to the point where she cant stop cumming. It keeps me in “work mode” and makes finishing difficult. I have 2 solutions that have been good for me. The first is on a night where I expect things to get intense, we will often have a round or two early where I will have her go down on me or a quick fuck where she will come a few times and so will I. Then the “pressure” is off somewhat for later, more intense times that follow. The other is sometimes just changing it up makes all the difference and I will have sl go down on me when I am through with her. It takes me out of “work mode” and lets me relax and just enjoy her. Plus she usually stops cumming at least long enough for me to. To utilize both of these is my favorite, of course. And on nights when you cross the finish line, no harm was done by an early round either. Its a win-win.
Keep the updates coming and best wishes,
Thanatoi
-
Went back upstairs a bit earlier, where she was still sleeping, slipped into bed, then into her. Whispered in her ear that I’m fuking her just for me, and did.
-
Nothing last night, both exhausted. I slept for nearly 12 hours!
To be fair, it was a he11 of a session that night. The most intense one we’ve ever had, in 25 years. Took us both somewhere we’ve never been to. No need for details but barriers were smashed, taboos broken. And a new page was turned. Heck, we started a whole new book!
My focus was zeroed in on what I was doing to her, her responses, watching how she just got lost in herself. I don’t know what subspace looks like, but I have a d*mn good idea now.
But that level of focus, intensity, took me to a place where the base animal response, of ‘blowing my load’, simply wasn’t what I needed. I was somewhere else completely.
It’s hard to explain. Unless you’ve been there. Is there such a thing as “Dom Space”? Where you reach a state of mind far above simply fking?
-
Soooo, spanking is no longer a hard limit…. 🙂 #Progress
-
DayOne,
I hope that not only has it gone from a hard limit but I hope that she as grown to enjoy spankings.
Excellent progress Sir!
Best wishes,
Mr Fox
-
-
Saturday nights session was… intense. No need for all the details, but the flogger was used for the first time. It’s a soft flogger, so more about effect than impact, ran it over her back, up and down her legs, then swatted her with it. But she got into it.
Actually, for her it’s more about getting off on letting herself go and having me do whatever I want to do to her. WHATEVER I want. Her words. My getting off on getting her off, gets her off even more. If that makes sense.
As far as the spanking; I was flogging her, and slipped in a quick single spank. To which she said “No”. Safe words not ingrained yet, so backed off and asked her to tell me what was in her mind. She was scared. The childhood trigger was there, but not quite pulled.
So I explained what I wanted to do, was going to do, that I would never hurt her, but I was going to spank her. That it was not the same thing we’d had to us, as kids, and not the same situation.
I let that soak in, then she relaxed. Bear in mind she was bound so it must have been a huge leap of faith to let it happen.
Once she was ready I continued the flogging, and some more spanking, for a while. Then moved onto… other things. I made it part of the play, not THE play. It became just one of the things I did that night, melted into everything else. We crossed a hard limit, made it softer, and then moved on.
Anywho, in other news tickets to Sexpo have been bought (20% off code, ThankYouVeryMuch!).
And we’ve put our rings back on.
-
“Pussy slapping is H. O. T.”
That was something else we discovered Saturday. She may not have been keen on spanking, but pussy slapping made her go off like a firehose! Soaked the couch, and later the bed. Was fking stunning to see her explode!
-
Interesting talk last week. Got into bed and were talking about this n that. Eventually the conversation turned to a sexual nature, including our upcoming trip to Sexpo, which initially made her uncomfortable so I helped her walk through why.
It’s her ‘good girl’ nature. She has to switch between a clearly defined ‘daytime’ persona/thought process, and a bedtime persona where she can let her inhibitions go.
She doesn’t like to be sexual in ‘daytime’ mode. Talk about it, think about it, or BE sexual. Sexy.
It’s her reason for it though that stood out. She said she doesn’t like thinking she might get attention from older men. She’s afraid that if she appeared ‘sexy’, that older men would perve on her.
She was very specific about ‘older’ men. That younger men don’t make her nervous in the same way, because to her they don’t pose a threat. I think there’s some CSA going on in there, which we’ll have to work on.
On the upside, once she worked through this fear, or at least opened the door and peeked at it, was able to express it to me, she relaxed.
And the bad girl came out for a visit.
I’m learning that the bad girl is very aural. She likes me to tell her what to do, describe scenes to colour her world, to use dirty words, to call her a sl*t and a wh*re. Tell her to be an animal, to unleash her beast. That I’ve seen her in her most primal, and that I want to see it again.
And she likes to be controlled. Tied up, or pinned down, restrict her movement, be told when to come.
And she finally used the safe word, and I heard it. Which means I backed off, held her and asked what was happening. She was getting ‘raw’. So I went and got a much needed towel, patted her dry as she had been squirting repeatedly for at least 10 minutes, laid her on the towel and held her to sleep.
She admits to going to a different place during a scene. Somewhere in her own head where everything else fades away. So I think subspace has been attained.
She gets bothered that I don’t always come during scenes, but as I told her, I’m in a different place during a scene. Way beyond the simple need to sploog. It goes much deeper than that. I get MORE out of it than blowing my load.
-
My sub used to feel like she wasn’t soon something right if I didn’t cum. We are both over that now. I don’t walk and chew gum too well. When I’m fully into gloving her or spanking her, I’m in another world as well.
Log in to reply.