Now a Domme

[Unknown Member]

Welcome. HusDOM is not gender based. It’s Dominant based. Dom’s and Domme’s alike, all welcome.

I’m a bit confused by your post, however. Are you saying you’d rather be his submissive but you don’t trust him? Would he rather be your Dominant but he is now submissive? I’m slightly confused.

That all being said, no one should be physically assaulted ever. I hope you can find tools here such as communication to get you to the point where you can build up some trust again. No trust, no relationship in my opinion.

Again, welcome.

[steps]

Hi bebetter, welcome to the forum. First of all, female dominants are certainly welcome here. I personally would love to see more of them around HusDom.

I highly recommend you read the blog and forums on this site to acquaint yourself with the journeys of fellow Doms here. Also, stop by the chat for more direct feedback.

That being said I’d like to offer my opinions regarding a couple of your statements:

A) If it’s true that your partner physically assaulted you for a year against your wishes, I recommend you leave said partner.

B) D/s is not about beating someone out of anger or in response to physical abuse. Not at all.

C) D/s is not therapy. Therapy certainly may have a very important place, especially if you have been a victim of abuse at the hands of your partner, but it is very different from D/s. That is not to say that D/s doesn’t have a healing effect.

D) It would be great to have a partner with whom you can explore both top and bottom roles. But to do either I definitely think you need to work through some underlying issues, as mentioned above.

E) D/s can definitely strengthen trust, but it is unlikely to succeed if there is an undercurrent of anger and abuse. Those things need to be resolved separately.

You will find many people here who will say that D/s helped save their marriage. Still, I strongly encourage you not to see it as a fix if you have anger and hostility towards your partner as a result of abuse. My vote is move on from your partner and seek ways to deal with your anger and the emotional damage you may have experienced, possibly via traditional therapy if that is what you choose.

[steps]

Bebetter, I discussed this with my wife who is a trained social worker, and she strongly recommended that if you are in fact thinking of leaving your partner, you seek out help from an advocacy group. It can be dangerous leaving an abusive situation and support form people trained and experienced with this can be invaluable.

Also I will add that if you seek therapy, there are listings of kink aware/friendly professionals listed with the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom online.

[bebetter]

Tex,

Yes, I’d rather be submissive and he is more naturally apt at dominating, but the abuse has caused a major blockage where the trust required to give on my part is not there, not now. I think… thought… were I to take great dominance over him, beat him better, that a point could be reached that we switch, but only because it pleases me, only after I trust that he will please me. At that point while yes submissive, only because as the Domme that is what I said. Does that make sense?

[Unknown Member]

Not really making sense to me. Is the abuse over? Does he want you to “beat him better”? You lost me on that one. What does he want? Have you two talked about any of this?

[bebetter]

Tex,
We’ve talked, yes, extensively. He has agreed to submit but wavers very much.

The abuse has picked back up because the roles fell to the wayside. We agreed in January that I would Domme and he submit. I choose not to live with him as we transitioned into this dynamic. Also and maybe moreso to the point, that I could control the amount of time we would be together and to afford us the chance to make this work. As vanillas we have proven toxic. For one month we spent 3 days a week together and he was submissive and not abusive. I saw it as working since for a year I was assaulted on a weekly basis; he’d gone four weeks submissive and not abusive.

Then we fell out of D/s roles and the abuse has started I’ll be it not yet again violent…

Beat him better: I took physical abuse for over a year and for a myriad of reasons did not ever call the cops or press charges. I am female, 120 lbs. He is a very fit and very strong male of 160 lbs. This fed a sense that I was never in control. I physically cannot control him as he could me. By asking to take the Domme role, and he the submissive I am asking him to give me the opportunity to regain that sense of control. And with punishing him, I am achieving a sense of justice as it were. I do agree with our civl society that he should be punished for the continued assaults. I agree with what that does psychologically.

He wants it all just to go away, for me to forgive and forget each and every time, each and every time I do forgive, … the forgetting got harder. He doesn’t want to smack me around, but he does. He wants love. He wants commitment. He wants a family.

Thank you for your questioning, it’s been therapeutic to write.

[bebetter]

Mr.

Can I ask what kind of advocacy group?

You are spot on; it has felt equally as dangerous to leave as to stay.

[steps]

Bebetter, I’m going to talk to my wife/sub again and get back to you if she has more input, but basically we were referring to a group that supports and councils victims of domestic violence. It sounds to me like you need to seek professional help with this situation, outside of the limited scope we can offer you. I agree with Tex that it doesn’t sound like D/s will fix this situation, and may possibly make it worse.

[steps]

I am going to send you a private message, please check your inbox.

[Unknown Member]

I don’t know your situation but I would not walk away, I’d run like hell. This sounds dangerous. I’ve learned these 54 years on the planet, leopards Dobry rarely change their spots.

D/s will likely not fix this in my opinion. Just my opinion. Good luck.