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New to the D/s world
My wife and I have recently took our relationship in the bedroom to places I never would have imagined. I found this site yesterday as I was doing some research and have already implemented a few things I have read and the wife more than me really appreciated it.
For me the role as a Dom is a bit difficult because I’m a relaxed go with the flow kind of guy and it has helped not only in the bedroom (which is the only D/s scene we have so far) but also outside the bedroom. My wife has found a new respect for me that she says is hard to explain and I am loving every minute of it.
We ventured into this a few months ago and are fairly new, my wife is ready and willing for everything and anything I can think of and I plan to utilize this site for some great advice and pointers.
So the first issue I’d like to ask about is punishment. My wife has been a bit pushy and having a hard time letting me take the lead and keeps giving advice in the bedroom during our scenes. This has been addressed and I told her today that she is going to be punished, but I don’t have any idea what I’m doing and wanted some advice for a beginners punishment. Spankings are already a big part of our scenes seeing that is what got us started so I wanted to do something different for her and mainly for me to get out of my box and really take a Dom role. I have already not allowed her to cum this morning but was wondering what other options I have.
Thank you for any advice and hopefully sooner than later I can be the one giving the advice, I look forward to any and all conversations and material this site and the members are willing to give. -
11 Replies
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I have heard, although not tried, having her kneel on rice, Just make sure you give her a time limit as kneeling the first few times can be a bit rough on the knees.
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Greetings Newfire,
Punishment was also one of my first areas of need. There are many posts and responses here that I suggest you read.
My first punishment would be to express your disappointment verbally. Punishment is not fun for either party and when necessary having had discussions during downtime previously is invaluable. Also when I have had to administer a punishment I have always started by talking through what happened so it is abundantly clear why I’m disappointed and why she’s receiving the punishment.
I am of the feeling that spankings with my bare hand are the best. It gives me direct feedback and hurts me as well.
Go slow and talk through everything.
Loving Liege
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Hi Newfire, welcome to the site.
What sort of bedroom advice is she giving? When starting out, I wouldn’t necessarily punish her for trying to be helpful. Take all the advice you can get. If it bothers you how she gives advice, then I would address that.
For example, If I’m playing with my kitten and she says, “not so hard,” I shouldn’t be mad because of her attempt to communicate that she prefers something different, however, I do see how this can Come across as her trying to take the lead. A good compromise would be to have her say something more like, “not so hard please, sir.” This can make all the difference. The latter statement clearly shows her submissiveness and allows you to follow her suggestion without letting her take the lead.
Hope this helps!
~ Iri
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Iri, I like your suggestion, that is how we handle many things in our relationship! Wording and intent can make a world of difference.
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Welcome to HusDOM. You found a community full of folks that love to help.
Iri did shed light on some questions. What exactly if I might ask is she telling you to do and how to do it?
Punishments in the early days seem to get a lot of discussion on forums and chats. Your mileage may vary but we didn’t punish a lot at first. Actually none.
Some good downtime communication seems like a great place to start. Express to her that she wants you to be her dominant but every time she tosses out suggestions, she effectively is trying to drive the bus. This leads to your frustration and undermines your confidence. Let her know you are discovering your inner dominant just as she is discovering her inner submissive.
You will only proceed at a pace you are comfortable with. And you get to call the pace, slow her down a bit. New subs get very excited and want it all now.
Chances are good she has been thinking about this a long time before you. You might be catching up so to speak.
You are starting a wonderful journey. Enjoy the ride.
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I personally would recommend that you do not punish her in this case. I think punishments should be for reasons that have been clearly outlined to your sub in advance, ie. infractions of standing rules and expectations. Perhaps use this opportunity to establish a baseline. Communicate to her how you expect her to interact with you, and how much input you want her to have in scenes. If you wish, you might tell her that in the future she could be punished for breaking these new rules.
If you just want to do more crazy kinky stuff, you don’t need to do it as a punishment. You can do it just because you want to, for fun, for her benefit, etc.
Just some suggestions. Welcome to the site!
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Thank you all for the advice, I have come to the understanding through post and our downtime that expressing her wants aND a bit of help is necessary especially in the beginning of us learning our roles in the bedroom. The problem wasn’t the verbalization but her trying to say what was going to happen, like Tex stated she is new and what’s it all NOW. Which is great but we have discussed the importance of taking it a pace we are both comfortable with. She and I are both learning so much through each other and through our prospective website groups within this community. Mr. I understand what you are saying as well, seeing we have not set any written rules she was confused as to why she was being punished but understood the extremity of the issue, since we have set some rules so it is now expected to follow them. We implied rules for her and for me, if she breaks the rules she gets punished and if I break the rules I have to put money in a jar in which will go towards a new toy for her. So for now I thint we have it under control but trust me I’ll be back for some new advice soon.
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And Iri the advice is amazing and I will talk to the wifey and suggest this so she can voice her wants but at the same time she is asking instead of telling. Great!!
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I’m glad we could be helpful! I feel like this is something we all go through when starting D/s
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I’m glad things are going well! I recommend looking into “punishments” vs. “funishments” if you haven’t already. It’s an important distinction. Don’t feel like you have to punish either. We have been doing this since February and neither of us have any interest in punishments yet. Instead, I correct her and reward her. And of course we do impact play 🙂 but for fun. Just letting you know that there are options and not every D/s relationships must have punishments. But make craft your own dynamic the way it works for the two of you. Looking forward to chatting more in the future.
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We, also, don’t use spanking as punishment..it’s a pleasure for both of us! Welcome to the site!
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