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New Dom with a lot on the line
Morning gents,
Been on the site for a few weeks, mostly reading but had a few convos with Mr.Fox.
My story is my wife and I have been together for 11 years, married for 5. We’ve been through a lot and we love each other very much. The last few months it’s come to a head that our current/former style of intimacy(very vanilla) is no longer arrousing to her at all. So much to the point that she doesn’t feel attracted to me in a sexual way. The biggest things she misses from the 1st 3 or 4 years of our relationship is me being more confident and the leader which is what lead us to the pursuit o D/s. To help me recapture that mindset/persona long story short on things that happened to get us to this point… Things were great until we bought a house and increased stress levels tremendously. My saving/spending habits did not make her feel safe and she lost trust in me as our leader. Over the years we shifted to her being the leader/Dom in the relationship and now we need to switch back, easier said than done lol.
This is not the only thing we are doing. Currently in couples therapy/sex therapy but one thing everyone agrees with is that D/s sounds like a good fit to help get us back on course.
My wife actually found HUSdom and I have read through about 30 posts and so far Mr.Fox’s approach to D/s fits me and my mind set very well.
My biggest hurdle so far has been lack of information on timing things during scenes and transitions. For instance if we are doing some spanking, how long does that go on for? How many times do I spank 1 ass cheek before going to the other. If tickling is next, how do I best transition to that? I know I am in charge and those decisions are mine, but I am constantly questioning was this enough time or too little? Is her ass pink enough? Has she been sufficiently teased/tickled enough? We have been practicing downtime and I get feed back from her and it’s been mostly good. But every session so far( we’re up to 3) even with some plans going in and feel like I am winging it/shooting from the hip the whole time.
A few issues I am working through are trying to not keep the wife on her pedestal while we play.
The other is solely me. I am not sadistic at all. Currently I don’t want to do most of the sadistic themed activities of BDSM for me. The act I get nothing out of. But I am growing to enjoy things like impact play/hair pulling just for how much my wife enjoys it. When I smack her ass with the crop, I don’t look forward to me spanking her but love to hear her moan which does make me want to do those types of things. Hopefully that is enough for me to be a good Dom with such activities.
Finally posting here to kinda vent and get any thoughts/ideas that helped you guy’s on your D/s journeys. Been looking at other info outside of HUSdom such as kink academy/youtube for guidance but nothing has been as good as HUSdom yet.
-Marc
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7 Replies
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marc,
It has been a pleasure chatting with you the other day.
First, let me say that it is often difficult for people to discover their own challenges, and then to be able to admit them is even more uncommon. I commend you for being able to do both. That honesty will certainly enhance your ability to overcome the challenges that lie ahead and to become more Dominant.
My biggest hurdle so far has been lack of information on timing things during scenes and transitions.
Stay tuned as we are going to begin to focus more on scenes beginning this month. Check out the calendar for the chat on scenes tomorrow evening, facilitated by Sir Ed.
Best wishes
Mr Fox
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Nice to meet you Marc. First I am happy to hear that you and your wife were able to have this conversation to get to make positive changes in your marriage. As to your comment about not responding to giving pain. I also dont get off on pain but I do get off on my baby girls noises and gasps and seeing her ass turn pink. I would recommend trying to focus on your wife’s noises and responses while the session is going on. Her response is what helps keep me going.
Also To your comment about what to do, this used to freak me out as well. But I remember reading some advice from Mr. Fox. He stated not to get hung up on planning every little detail down to the min but instead have an outline on what you would like to accomplish. I found that doing this allows me to relax more and focus on the session, my babygirl, or myself. You are definitely in the right community and I know you got this.
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Play and enjoy.
Try to not get too hung up on those transitions. Ever picked up a new instrument? Started playing a new sport? Given a new job role at work?
It’s not like any of those things are impossible to learn, you already know the basics and how to play each note on the instrument, but making all those notes flow into music just takes practice.
Enjoy the time with her. Practice as much as you can 😉 give it a while and you’ll look back at this post and wonder why it was so hard to start with.
It just takes time and effort.
Enjoy HER. you don’t enjoy hurting her (let’s be honest, there are very few of us that enjoy hurting our most prized possessions). You’re NOT hurting her. She had better trust you enough to tell you to STOP if you were hurting her.
You are giving her sensations, emotions, pleasing and intoxicating her in new and different ways. Pain (in that moment) is just another sensation and another tool to bring her more pleasure and increase her trust and play and live in you.
You’re not hurting her, and in fact you’re probably giving her EXACTLY what she asked for…
She’s a big girl. Trust her that she wouldn’t ask for something if it wasn’t what she wanted.
Keep up with the downtime sir. Get all that feedback and keep working.
Play your instruments daily 😉
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I normally plan my first 2 moves and then play it by ear. And honestly the first move is never sexual with me. Normally thrall is always in her slave subspace so I’ll instruct her how I wanted to be greeted at arrival, then if I want to swap her subspace to feed my craving I’ll then do something sexual, if I want her to stay in her slave subspace I then start with my normal commands. Once it gets down to the playtime it normally goes punishments then fun. I judge my punishments based on how I feel, last night she got doubted my intentions so I used a split leather paddle, I gave her it about 15 times, at about her yellow area (she didn’t say yellow but I know her limits well, and she loves being paddled in general), however shortly after I got to work today she started back talking to me as I was giving her the instructions for my arrival so tonight I’m using the whip as punishment (which is the only time it gets used). As for how much I will whip her, it really depends how well she responds.
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Damn… you guy’s are all rockstars with your advice! The outline idea has been pretty much my format so far. As Hermosa said, I think “practicing my instrument” is key with these new activities. I am really getting into her responses to things like impact play/teasing/tickling and think I will be just fine being motivated by the response rather than the act itself.<br style=””><br style=””>Like Viking I have been having 2 activities in mind for when we play. The more I learn about D/s the more I am starting to understand that it’s very flexible and not this rigid framework I had it pigeon holed into.<br style=””><br style=””>Lastly, can’t thank you enough for creating this site Fox. It’s probably the only reason I feel comfortable giving this a real shot. I told Fox before, back in 2016 I read some book “Forget the Roses, Give Me Thorns” and while it may have some good info in there, it was not the right introduction for someone like me who is much more inline with how you guy’s approach it here at HUSdom.<br style=””><br style=””>Quick update from a scene today. We adopted the idea of sexting from one of Fox’s posts. We’d done that very early on in our relationship but has been mostly absent for the last 10 years. I must say, it has done wonders with setting up play time and ramping things up to almost and 11 before we even get started. I’ve done 3 official scenes thus far and 2 lunch break quickie play sessions.(2 lunch break sessions preempted with lots of sexting) <br style=””><br style=””>So far, the 2 lunch break quickies(today’s actually ate up most of my hour, no complaints) have been the best and hottest experiences thus far. They were both fairly vanilla with what we did, but with just enough sprinkles of some HUSdom moves to bring them to the next level. Some hair pulling, a bit of dirty talk, being as dominant as I can be and honestly not much else. <br style=””><br style=””>These 2 sessions were the simplest so far which is why I feel like I excelled. But they have done a lot for my confidence and we are both on the same page that vanilla encounters with large sprinklings of D/s ideas might be our focus for a while, which I think is fine for building confidence and just having fun in general.<br style=””><br style=””>Just want to thank you all again for creating such a awesome environment to share/learn about D/s!<br style=””><br style=””>-Marc
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I think Fox coined the term “vanilla with a twist” for those kinds of encounters.
I don’t think any sex peach and I have anymore could be termed vanilla tbh. Even if there are no B,S&M overtones, it is always in the context of our D/s.
That being said, there is almost Always a place for a scene here or there. Not only to build your confidence, but to increase her submission. Something peach has told me is that those times I planned a scene for her, led her on and got in her head beforehand, set the tone and made the effort and pulled it off (even if nothing goes as planned anyways), that those are the times that she felt the most precious. The most pampered. No matter how dirty she was doing, that it made her feel like my princess because I took the time and effort just to have that time together, and her please me.
Don’t worry about it being all the time. It may not even be able to be every month (with me on a continental shifting from nights to days, we can’t always scene every month). But when you can schedule that time just for her, it pays dividends for both of you.
Search in the forums here for my thread “a scene, for inspiration”. Have a look and see what you think, and if any of it might be useful for planning a scene in the future.
Cheers.
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Welcome to husDOM. I found husDOM when I was in a place of being very passive and not leading, just trying to prefer my wife and driving her crazy because she just wanted a leader and to quote her for me “not to be ashamed for taking up space”. This lifestyle has changed who I am not just in my marriage but in many other parts of life. Take the time and effort to learn your wife so you can lead her.
The scenes and the kinks will come with time. A blindfold and some good music can cover for a lot of misses and uncertainty as you learn.
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