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Long Overdue
Gentlemen,
I have been remiss. I’ve been hanging around here, soaking up our words and discussions (and chatting a few of you up) without properly introducing myself. My apologies.
My wife and I have been together for 30 years, married 27 next month, and like many of you much of the marriage was great, but certain aspects of our relationship were… well, to be honest, terrible.
Like many of you, we were heading for what our gracious host calls “gray divorce” or something similar. Thinking about where things were going has had me depressed for months, and about a month ago this finally came to a head. I told my wife that I didn’t marry her to be roommates, that I wanted a wife, and all that that entails, and if that couldn’t happen, then we were not going to last. Her response was, “I feel the same way.” Holy crap! I wasn’t prepared for that at all!
So, with that bit of good news, I began looking back on our problems, the things we’d argued about, her most frequent and consistent complaints. Another shock: I discovered she was usually complaining about me not taking control, not taking charge, leaving her to fend for herself. I had always thought of it as pulling her own weight, but when I looked at it from that point of view, she WANTED me to be in charge.
I asked her, a week or so later, if my deduction were correct, that she wanted me to take over as a dominant husband and she could be the submissive wife and she didn’t hesitate in saying yes.
So, I have a direction to go, now I have to learn what that looks like. Most of you guys it seems, your wives brought this to you and it was based on their desires in the bedroom and flowed outward. For me, it’s exactly the opposite. I’m bringing this to her as a solution to the problem she has repeatedly tried to bring to my attention, and if I’m very lucky, it will flow from our relationship INTO the bedroom (honestly, just with the changes I have made, I can already see that happening – we’ve had more intimacy and sex in the last month than in the previous year or more).
Communication is a challenge, she hates talking about herself, about sex, about what makes her feel good, about relationships, etc. (basically, she’s a guy 🙂 ), and any direct yes or no question is far more likely to get a “maybe” or “I don’t know” answer than a direct one – a constant source of frustration.
But, I’ve started with a few simple things, like not letting her open her own doors and paying for everything when we are out together (she’s always been the keeper of the checkbook/debit card), taking her on a weekly date where I make the arrangements, telling her to go do or buy small things that I know she wants or needs but would never do of her own choosing, and threatening to spank her if she “spoke badly about my wife, whom I live.” (That one actually brought some tears to her eyes). She threatened that she would hit me back, but I told her to do what she thought she had to do, but that she would not speak badly of herself any longer without getting a smack on the butt.
Apparently, this is helping, and many of these ideas have come from Mr. Fox and others here… thank you for that!
I don’t know where this is going, honestly, and I don’t know if I’ll ever really fit in with you guys – there’s no chance that my wife will ever participate in any of the sexcapades you guys describe, but that’s not my goal. For me, this is about saving the love of my life.
I hope that makes sense. Somehow, given the frequent topics of discussion, I feel like I’m on a completely different plane than many of you, but I hope that, with your help, I can give her both what she wants and what she needs and bring peace to her in a way she’s never experienced.
Thank you.
Don
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6 Replies
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Welcome sir, again.
I think you are in just the right spot from what you describe above mate. And from our conversations so far, I think you’ve reinforced that.
Our conversations and “sexcapades” (love that word btw. Lol) are definitely colourful, and sometimes even I find what is described a bit over the top (and coming from me that’s saying a lot. Lol), but for 90% of us, those are just the desert. Not even the desert, maybe just the frosting on that really nice desert scone after a huge dinner.
There’s a whole pile of meat and potatoes, veg, and even the bread and nuts and fruit in the scone itself… those are what fulfill us, strengthen us, and complete us in our dynamics… and allow us to enjoy that but if sweet that goes along with it.
And being mostly guys, we do get excited about desert. Lol. And talk about it frequently.
For myself, and many others here, this is a lifestyle. This is marriage counselling. This is relationship building, this is communications masterclass. Textbook: your wife. Instructor, your wife. Class size: you.
We can tutor, we can give advice that helped us along the way, but this is very personal and unique. And there is no wrong dynamic for you, if it fits and fulfils her (and your) needs and desires.
If you ask any of the gentlemen that have been in our community for a period of time, what is the best part of this dynamic. What keeps them working on it. What fulfils them and makes them want to be the dominant husbands in their homes… we may all jokingly tell you that it’s the sex, but we will all be quick to tell you the real reasons.
I know my wife better now than I did in the 11 years before D/s. I’m a better father. I’m a better leader at work. I’m a better communicator with her, and with EVERYONE else. I take responsibility for my time and actions and plan ahead to make sure that I’m using them well. And I’m happy. At home, with my wife, making dinner or watching her clean the living room, or making the bed together, or working in my shop, or just sitting in front of the fire… I’m happy. And by the way she moves, and what she tells me, she is happier than she ever was before I brought D/s into our lives.
Is the sex great? Hell yeah. Do I want to talk about it if someone asks? Sure! Need a tip or trick or tutorial on ropes? Frig I’m your man. But what keeps me here is the direct benefit I see in my marriage.
I wasn’t being frivolous with my words earlier. I truly feel that this is marriage counselling for me. I get the chance to talk to you. Hear your struggles, offer my advice, and I use that every day to alter my own actions. To think in a different light on my dynamic. To hear the advice I give you and say… crap. IM not doing that!
Being active here is one of the best choices I’ve ever made, and I am proud to be a part of this community and humbled to be asked to be an ambassador for the site.
You don’t need any of the whipped topping to be fulfilled with D/s if it is what both partners need. But down the road, be prepared if she asks for a bit of frosting on her desert one night. And be ready to deliver 😉
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Get it?
Whipped. Topping.
It’s a double double entendre!!! That’s like… 4 entendres. I crack myself up.
Lol
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Don,
There are a lot of similarities here to my story. I brought my minx to this, though we ended up doing a lot of the exploration and discovery together. For much of our marriage, she hated talking about sex, and still struggles to communicate during play. She has become quite adventurous since we started D/s but still would rather me just lead in the bedroom and not talk about it.
While she enjoys kinky play, many many activities that others go on about she just shakes her head at and is too practical to enjoy in those same ways. It is a challenging but the other thing is at least I always can trust that I am getting her honest opinion.
For 10 years, I “led” as I thought by finding out her preference and then doing that. Unknown to me, I was driving her crazy as she just wanted to be led and not to have so many decisions resting on her. This was a huge revelation to me and I still find myself getting tentative at times thinking that just making the decision is being insensitive to her. What it really means is that I need to learn what she needs and do that and be willing to also learn what I want and do that after her needs are taken care of.
One thing I was told early one that has really helped me in making decisions is a hierarchy of how to take care of needs/wants in D/S. sub needs, Dom needs, Dom wants, sub wants. Most of the time that provides me clarity and when I am truly doing that I have a content submissive and have grown as a man in leading our family and my team at work.
For us, the kinky sex is still a great bonus, but the biggest blessing of D/s-M is our day to day marriage and communication. Welcome, enjoy the journey and hopefully she can build relationships with other submissives that help her out.
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OTW,
“…sub needs, Dom needs, Dom wants, sub wants.”Wow! That’s helpful! I’ve been trying to draw a clear picture in my head of what I need to focus on (I have a totally one-track mind), and that will certainly help me to stay focused on first things first, thank you!
Yeah, sounds like you’re on the same road I am, only you’re miles ahead.
Thank you for sharing.
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If I can just expand that hierarchy of needs and wants and how it applies to my philosophy as well;
Your subs needs come first. She needs to be fed, sheltered, protected, loved, heard, and safe. but she also needs to be free to pursue her own goals, encouraged and strengthened by your leadership and empowered in her home and work (if she works).
Your needs are very similar. Rearrange a couple of tenses, and that list applies to you as well.
The third one is tricky. YOUR desires, as head of the house, come 3rd.
Mint your sub/wife’s desires.
The reason is this: One of her biggest desires is most likely pleasing you. Her husband. Giving you what you want, doing those things that bring you pleasure, no matter what they are… by putting your desires before hers, you are most likely looking after one of her biggest desires, and in some wife/subs mindsets, that is one of their NEEDS.
And finally on the list is her desires. And just because it’s at the bottom of the hierarchy does not mean it’s unimportant. These are things you should be actively pursuing, researching, practicing and enjoying. These are the things that are going to make her feel like a princess, and the love of your life. Not the roommate. You’re going to be spending ALL the time you have, once the other 3 boxes are checked, looking after and enjoying her desires.
It’s the bottom of the list because to be safe and happy and have a strong foundation you MUST have those other 3 categories looked after before you can enjoy the 4th. But you’ll find that once you build that strong foundation, foster the good communication and trust, you both feel your needs are being met (you’ll see us say “you’re being fed” by the relationship), then you will have significantly more time to enjoy each other’s desires.
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I think I get it. Now I actually have to do it, that’s my challenge. Time to stand up.
I’ve spent 20 years being mostly passive in our relationship. That’s a lot of damage done, and a lot of atrophy in my own self-image. You guys have helped me a lot already just in rebuilding that self-confidence.
Thanks, sir!
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