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Learned so much here already!
Hello everyone! I am about to be married. Up til recently, I was flying by the seat of my pants as a dominant because I wasn’t committed to anyone in particular. I had never had a partner before now who wished a 24/7 D/s relationship, although I knew dominance was my nature. Now, however, I have a sub that wants and needs to surrender. We have spent over a year developing our relationship in a mostly vanilla way, but our forays into D/s relating have been both satisfying and titillating for both of us. Our commitment ceremony will primarily address the ways in which we will commit to fulfill each other’s needs in our respective roles. I find that I am highly motivated to “do this right,” hence my lurking here and finally joining Husdom. I have already learned so much! Thank you from the bottom of my heart. My nico is so important to me and she needs me to be strong and in charge. This will be the first time in my life I have really given my dominant nature full rein. I spent most of my life up to this point trying to squelch it in order to not be seen as an arrogant jerk. Now it’s time to let it out. I need to learn to stop apologizing but at the same time not let it go to my head. I know Husdom will help me–it already has.
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6 Replies
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Spellbynder,
Up til recently, I was flying by the seat of my pants as a dominant because I wasn’t committed to anyone in particular. I had never had a partner before now who wished a 24/7 D/s relationship
Welcome to husDOM!
If you haven’t already, you will soon discover that a 24/7 D/s or a D/s-M relationship is quite different than being an uncommitted Dominant. I am glad to see that you have gone from just lurking to participating here on husDOM and I look forward to learning more about you and your new dynamic.
Best wishes,
Mr Fox
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You’re so right, Mr. Fox! It’s quite sobering contemplating the self-control necessary to inspire absolute trust in my nico, and continuing to earn and grow that trust day in and day out. I have always been about self-control, but there has never been anything at stake, really, except the possibility of disappointing myself if I slipped. Now I hold her fate and happiness and the future of our relationship in my hands, and it is a huge responsibility that both excites me and causes some trepidation.
In a previous relationship, my mate and I discovered BDSM after having been together for about 8 years and decided to go 24/7, but that didn’t last a week. She played along when it suited her and would defy me an hour later. She was bratty and demanding. I tried to get her in hand over the next few months but I didn’t have the experience, so I ended up deeming her unsuitable as a sub and we broke up shortly after that. Looking back now–especially after everything I’ve learned here–it’s hard to say whether she was not really a sub, or whether I just wasn’t able to meet her needs in a way that would earn her obedience and respect.
So trying again has me somewhat nervous. But my nico is a true sub, and she has eagerly accepted the rules and orders I have laid down so far.
One thing that worries me is that she is a recovering addict, and still finds herself tempted. I actually feel that submitting to me will save her life and/or sanity–IF I can do it right. Hence why I am so highly motivated. At the same time, it will be hard not to blame myself if she slips; I’ll question what I could have done differently to meet her needs or to sense that she was close to taking that action.
So this is all very challenging. But I love setting myself challenges to meet, so it’s all good. And now I have Husdom to help me.
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Spelbynder,
You already posses a wonderful assessment of the challenges and differences of a 24/7 dynamic. You have also identified a few attributes that may provide certain challenges along your personal journey.
You are looking through a lense of responsibility and accountability…
I also appreciate that you have self reflected on the past and are willing to consider the possibility of having a part in your past and the outcome.
I imagine with your experience that you are more than ready to lead this dynamic throughout its journey.
Best wishes
Mr Fox
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I’m glad I’ve read this. My Girly is also an addict. If you or yours need anything don’t hesitate to contact us. Girly is Girly82 on submrs if nico needs an ear.
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Spell, great to hear you guys are doing well.
I cant speak from the sub as an addict side, but I will speak and have spoken about my drinking and alcoholism and how this role/lifestyle compliments what I do in my sobriety. There are even quite a bit of “Recovery in the lifestyle” groups if you look for them (usually around a local dungeon, etc).
My d/s journey and sobriety date are only a few days apart… I do not think it is a coincidence. The lifestyle does not lend itself to a loss of control. For me, this is not a “substitute” for alcohol, but rather I feel that this is a big part of what I was missing/trying to fill with booze. So rather than a substitute (like chocolate or coffee or ice cream) in the usual sense, it is the role that has no room for that kind of behavior. I have seen the results of me not being dominant, of being a drunken less than responsible husband and I KNOW the two are diametrically opposed ways of living!
I would infer a similar feeling as a sub recovering… there is no room for the substance if it is not part of your dynamic. There is an ironic truth that works in D/s and in recovery…
There is strength in surrender…. there is power in surrender. both Doms and subs surrender to their roles.. those successful in addiction recovery, surrender to the fact that they are addicts and need something greater than themselves to help them stay clean and sober. It is not a far streetch to see the implication that at a minimum the greater than themselves” can be as simple as the D/s dynamic….. placing the needs, rules, goals of the relationship above the selfish, personal desires of addiction.
moreover, as an alcoholic, there were certain habit patterns/triggers that tended to lead to more drinking than others. Likewise there are certain habits, rituals (structure) in your dynamic that can/will form new habits more powerful than previous ones… new triggers and cues.. (putting on a collar, kneeling, etc).
Drinking no longer has anything good to offer me… and as long as I keep that thought in mind, I can have fleeting thoughts of “its really hot.. beer weather” and not get freaked out. Its just a thought. I let it go because I add its good beer weather for some people, but that only leads to bad crap for me (every time, eventually). Myu brain is different. I am allergic to it. And I cannot be my wife’s Dom if I am drinking.
good luck. stay with it, stay committed, to each other and you can get through it. glad you are here.
LDD
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BD, Thanks so much for that offer. I’ll undoubtedly take you up on it.
LawDog, Words of wisdom! I’ll definitely “favorite” this post. I know it’ll come in handy.
The delay in response is because I’m traveling and making my way back to my nico! I’ll see her again finally in 2 days. I’ll probably be incommunicado for a while as we enjoy our honeymoon.
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