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Hello, new to the lifestyle, Dom at the core
So my wife is a natural sub and I as it turns out am a dominant who has released a lot of shame surrounding who I am.
We have been living a vanilla life and not functioning well. We both realize who we are, but I have had no clue how to be it, how to lead her and she is frustrated by that. Actually to say I have had no clue is an understatement, that implies that I realized that I needed to have a clue. We have just been going through life fumbling around because I haven’t been leading.
That has to end.
We love each other and I feel that I owe it to her to fully embody who I am so that she can do likewise.
No idea how to formally begin, or how to even bring it up to her. My thought is to begin reading and learning how others live so that I can start to form an opinion of my own.
Someone recommended that journaling would be a good way to start. I am open to any advice or help.
Great to be here.
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2 Replies
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First of all, welcome to husDOM and we are so happy to have you reach out to us.
I am not sure what you mean by “shame surrounding who you are”, but I had shame growing up and early in my marriage concerning my male dominant tendencies. I have found this dynamic to allow me to fully express those tendencies in a healthy and loving way. When my wife found this site and introduced it to me it helped to read the blog posts that are free to all. This can help you get an idea of different applications of the principles of a married D/s relationship.
Journaling is helpful, but that is if you have a purpose behind the journaling. Things to keep track of is your thoughts and feelings as you begin this journey together and the topics you discuss during your “downtime” together. Downtime is time specifically set aside that you and your submissive are able to talk about your dynamic. Talking about things that are going well and things that either of you would like to see improvements in. Even if the only thing you can say about the going well is that you are working on things and you are aware of those things. Awareness is always the first step to improvement.
Number one thing, in my opinion, to keep in mind is not to compare your chapter one with someone else’s chapter four. Do not expect that your dynamic will eventually look like someone else’s. No two relationships are alike. Although we all live by the same foundational principles of a D/s relationship it is expressed differently. For example, my submissive and I have 5 children, with two who are special needs, and both of us work a couple of jobs. This busy lifestyle provides limited time for us to express our dynamic, but we constantly talk about the things we can do each day that make the biggest impact in a positive way. Others in the community have more time and are able to be more elaborate. This dynamic is meant to bring you closer together and not be burdensome. If a practice is not bringing you closer together consider taking it out or adjusting it to fit in the demands you have with life currently. Keep in mind that some practices may be something you can implement down the road. Just because it may not work out now does not mean never.
In some ways, you may already be doing many things that will become a natural part of your dynamic. For example, I have avoided calling my wife by her name since we first were married. My mentality is that if I am always calling her a pet name it is harder to stay mad at here during those rare times. Let the dynamic ebb and flow as you grow together. Just like the word dynamic your relationship will change over time. I hesitate to say it matures because I have noticed it is just that the relationship adjusts with the changes in life. I imagine my dynamic with my submissive will gradually adjust as the demands my submissive has is reduced. This is where downtime becomes helpful. It and your journaling can act as a checkpoint to assess progress and development.
For one of your first downtime sessions be sure to go over a list of different things each of you are open to or not open to intimately. Talk about each other’s fantasies and fetishes and determine these beginning hard and soft boundaries. Like the practices you will have in your dynamic these have the possibility of changing over time. As both of you have more trust in each other more activities become available.
Again we are so happy to have you join our community. Please take advantage of the chat feature as you will find at different times gentleman who will be happy to share their journey and the things we are learning together. You will find none of us feel we have it figured out, but we are all just trying to be 1% better in all areas of our life so we can be the best not only for our submissives, but also the families we lead and the jobs we have been entrusted with. Keep asking questions and we look forward to helping and supporting you in any way we can.
Live abundantly,
-Beastly -
Duckettfive
Greetings and welcome to husDom. After reading through Beastly’s response I do not think that I could have said it any better. It is an excellent outline on how to get started, what the dynamic can look like and things to consider. So I will simply say, best wishes, welcome to the community and I hope to hear more from you soon.
Sir Bee
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