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Hello from a new member
Hello everyone, glad to be here. I wouldn’t say my wife and I have a dom/sub relationship, but seem to be naturally moving into one (although not what I have ever thought of traditionally when I hear dom or sub). A quick background:
We have been together 13 years, married for 10 of them. Very early on, she shared with me her fantasy/curiousness for what she called “tied up, whips, and chains”. The idea excited me. We tried some role-play, bondage, etc, but it never felt too natural too me. I loved the idea, the sex was always great, and she always seemed very turned on, but in the end I just didn’t feel right it afterwards. This went on for a couple of months and then stopped. Years later we gave the bondage part a try again, at my request, but she didn’t seem as “into” it.
Fast forward to today (past six months at least). I am pretty sure she wants some level of the “sub” stuff, or she would have never brought it up. Also, there have been a few occasions that she has hinted at it. At the same time, I had been getting frustrated as we had settled into a routine in the bedroom. I have looked into Dom/sub, bondage, all kinds of stuff over the years. Read websites and articles. It always come to the same things: A) she is not comfortable talking about it, B) becuase off the lack of communication on the subject, I have no idea what to do or where to take it, and C) I end up “lost” and the whole attempt becomes silly.
Here is the interesting part. The conversation has come up again. Apparently she knows a “sub wife” that was sharing her experience. We talked about whips, chains, collars, all the stuff I could think of. With the same outcome as everytime before. Her friend had mentioned an agreement her and her husband had, so as a gag, I typed one up. It was very one sided, and didn’t offer many specifics “in the bedroom”, but listed my expectations for everyday life. This included how much (rather little) clothing I wanted her to wear around the house, that I expected her to “get off” at least once every day, some expectations of how often I expected sex, and a few other things. She read it, we laughed, and it was put to the side. We haven’t really talked about it again, yet most of my expectations are being met now.
Not sure what any of this means, but wanted to say hi, and see if I could get any feedback.
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11 Replies
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King2005,
Welcome to husDom. As I think you are finding out, D/s is about communication. In or out of the bedroom, it’s always about communicaton. Mr. Fox has written some excellent articles in the blog section about downtime and communication. I hope you find them useful.
Yours,
Boris
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King, welcome to the site! I think Boris is right, it will all depend on communication with your wife. Sounds like there is definitely potential though. If I were in your shoes, I would seriously consider having a very direct conversation with her, and ask her if she’d be interested in trying some simple D/s things, officially. Sounds like she is giving you signs that she is game. Good luck, hope to chat soon.
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Thanks for the input Boris and Mr. You are right. The communication just hasn’t been at the level it needs to be. I was chatting with another member today, and that is what it kept coming back to. So, I am taking everyone’s advice and working out how to bring the topic up directly, honestly, and see exactly where we stand, as well as trying to cover some very basic areas (concerns, expectations, limits, etc) if she is indeed game for it.
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Sounds good, looking forward to hearing how it goes.
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King2005,
Boris and Mr have already given you some good ideas.
Your presentation and delivery may have a large influence on the outcome of your desire. You already have experienced some of the kink and had similar discussions in the past so the door is already cracked open.
Consider what the dynamic would be like form her point of view. What about the D/s-M lifestyle will be beneficial to her, you and the relationship as a whole?
Best wishes,
Mr Fox
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Update:
After my last post, my wife and I were having a somewhat candid conversation about our relationship dynamic in general. After hearing her say, “I like it when you are in control” I jumped on the opportunity. I gave her a quick rundown of my thoughts, and that I had been reading/communicating on this site. After addressing some concerns, she said “yes”.
After dealing with children being sick, we were finally able to sit down and discuss more. I found a “checklist” that she has now filled out (limits, likes, dislikes, etc). I am sure you all have seen something similar before. She has registered at SubMrs. and is reading through the blogs and forums now. I am surprised (maybe shouldn’t be) at how just being direct and honest has opened up the communication on the subject so much. Matter of fact, it does sound silly. It is like both of us have wanted the same thing, but because we were unsure of the other’s level of interest, we both continued to “hint” instead of just say what we want.
Very excited at this point, but trying hard to take this slow, and continue to plan and communicate. Thanks again for all the advice.
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King2005,
Thank you for sharing your experience with us… I am so excited to learn of your success…
I also want to illustrate a few things that you said.
I am surprised (maybe shouldn’t be) at how just being direct and honest has opened up the communication on the subject so much. Matter of fact, it does sound silly.
Honesty and direct open communication are two of the fundamentals to a successful D/s relationship, or any relationship for that matter. In a D/s dynamic both partners can lower their shields and begin to work as a team.
It is like both of us have wanted the same thing, but because we were unsure of the other’s level of interest, we both continued to “hint” instead of just say what we want.
This statement demonstrates the importance of being able to communicate so openly. I would surmise that often couples are very close, if not on the same page, as one another but begin to assume and interpret the situation and create issues that don’t even exist.
I look forward to following along with you on your new exciting journey.
Best wishes,
Mr Fox
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I love it. Both of you dancing around the issue for years. I’m glad you are both on the same page. Was she surprised when, once she opened that door slightly, how quickly you busted it down and made such a bold move?
I love it. Your research has served you well. Luck is when opportunity meets preparation.
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Very exciting developments king. As you already mentioned, taking it slow is key. Trust me, I rushed at the start, don’t do it! Just enjoy, sounds like you will have a very natural start to things. Hope to chat more soon.
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Another update:
Tex, I don’t think she was surprised that I “busted down the door” as we have talked about this in the past many times. I think she was surprised that this time I had well thought out ideas, goals, and a plan. That signaled to me that, “yes, i am into the idea” and “finally, its not just about sex, but truly taking control”. I think that is the biggest part of it for her. She is looking for me to take control, not just to be a sub for being a sub’s sake, but rather she doesn’t want the worry, stress, etc. of making decisions. Now that I stepped up and said, “Don’t worry, I’ll take care of it”, I can almost see the weight lifted off of her shoulders. Granted, I have to live up to that now, but just knowing the expectations (not to mention the rewards from following through) is a relief in itself.
So here is what happened. I gave her some expectations (some say rules). Nothing that she doesn’t “follow” already, but let her know I expect it now. Along with that were some “corrections” (some say punishment) if she does not comply. These are mostly things we both enjoy anyways, but more one-sided to me. The goal here is to start to set the mindset for both of us. Very few “rules” and very few and easy “punishments”, but it is a start for us to live this lifestyle. Interestingly enough, its not much “bedroom stuff”, yet that is where the rewards have come from. Couple of days in, and she has had 100% compliance. I realize this is a VERY small sample size, but things are off to a great start!
Thanks again to all of you for the answers, advice, and direction!
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King2005,
This is terrific…
One of the most challenging things that you will face short term will be consistency… If you have given her some of your expectations, you inadvertently have given her expectations that you that she now has of you…
Im proud that you have given so much thought to this and that you have chosen to make a sound beginning of your new journey. I know from talking to you on chat how important this is to you.
As you already know the idea is certainly not to set up a bunch of rules that she fails and then punish her. As you indicated she is 100% compliance so far and this is the goal. I said consistency is vital but equally as vital is praise. Be sure to give her a lot of praise for pleasing you. You can not praise her too much or too often, as long as the praise is sincere.
Thank you again for sharing your wonderful experience.
Best wishes,
Mr Fox
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