Hello everyone

[husdom]

RossZ

Welcome aboard

Many members here have felt similar feelings such as yourself when they first began their journeys. You have found a great community for camaraderie and support. The key is to actively participate.

Best wishes

Mr Fox

[masterofangels_]

Rossz,

Welcome to both D/s-M and HusDOM. As Mr. Fox has said, this is indeed a great community of like-minded individuals with a good deal of sound advice to offer and experience to share.

I think you’ll find a fair number of members here who started their D/s-M journey in the same fashion as yourself. My lady brought her submission to me a mere two and a half months ago. At that time, I felt the same insecurities you are feeling now. I didn’t feel like a Dominant. I didn’t know if I was capable of taking on such a monumental role. I worried (and still do, to a degree) about my capacity to do the things my lady needs and desires of me. But, through open communication, perseverance, and a little trial and error, we have both come a long way in our new roles. This journey is just beginning, enjoy it. I wish you and your Mrs the best of luck. Hope to see you around.

Regards,
MasterOfAngels

[rossz]

I have a hard time maintaining my Dominant role. When we are playing, I am constantly checking with her to make sure she is ok, and I know I shouldn’t do that. How do I break this bad habit? MasterOfAngels, you mentioned that you were where I am now at one point. How did you move past that?

[masterofangels_]

Ross,

First and foremost, discussion with your submissive. This is key. You need to know what kinds of play she’s interested in. What her soft and hard limits are. Then, with that information in mind: research. There are a number of forums, like this one, and other sites across the web that feature numerous techniques for the types of play. YouTube is a wonderful resource for this because you get visuals with verbal instruction. You can find tips on everything from bondage to spanking to fire play and beyond. But, it all starts with knowing what your sub wants from you.

The rest is experimentation. Trial and error. That’s what safe words are for. I personally like the stop light system. It covers all your bases. Green for keep doing that / I’m loving it. Yellow for slow down. Yellow is great though because it says two things at once: 1. I am having fun and I don’t want to stop playing. 2. Something isn’t quite jiving. Then, of course, there’s Red. Red means full stop. Playtime is over. This may sound terrible but, it can be a learning experience for both people.

I also read about a finger system which can tell the Dom how his sub feels about a certain type of play, in more detail. The Dom simply says, “Fingers please.” and the sub will hold up the number of fingers indicating her enjoyment. 1 = Are you serious? GIVE. ME. MORE. 2 = That’s nice but, a little more intensity please. 3 = THIS IS PERFECT!!! 4 = I like it but, bring it down just a bit. 5 of course means that it’s just too much. I should think that your sub would call Yellow or Red before you’d see the 5 fingers. But, everyone is different.

Like I said, experimentation is really the best way through the play piece. That, and trusting your sub to understand and use her safe words. It’s okay to check in once in awhile. Especially with a new toy or some new type of play. But, I can understand your concern with the possibility that it may distract her from play. It is a balancing act and it takes time to learn what works for you as a couple.

Now, as for your difficulty in maintaining the role, I have a question. Do you mean difficulty in maintaining your role during play, or just in general?

Regards,
MasterOfAngels

[rossz]

Both. It does seem easier to maintain when playing, but I still find myself “checking in” with her more often than I would like. We do use the stoplight system, and she has yet to say “Yellow” or “Red” to me without first saying she needs a break. I remind her what her words are, and then she will say one, so I don’t feel too bad about that, but if she hasn’t said anything in a while, I find myself asking, and that bothers me.

Outside of play, we don’t really do too much. She has been struggling with anxiety, and lately, it has been really bad, so it seems like everything in our life has been put on the shelf until that subsides. I would like to push the D/s lifestyle further into our relationship, but I have to go slow while she is struggling. Once things get better, what advice can you give me, as I am sure I will have the same problems as I do now.

[Unknown Member]

Hi Ross and welcome
I echo all of the statements and guidance Mr Fox and MasterofAngels have given you.
I agree whole heartedly with MasterofAngels’ input on communication. Having that out of scene and play downtime is critical to truly understand how your dynamic health is and is a safe time for you both to share feedback. You should discuss your expectations in downtime and I would recommend that you come up with some questions or guidance for your sub that will give you, or help you maintain, your confidence in scenes /play and even out of the bedroom. I like the suggestion on playfully asking where your sub is at with her fingers…you can use this to take control where for example you are intentionally keeping her at a 1 or 2 and as she responds as such tell her you are going to take her to a 3 then do it! You will see instance results of your Dominant power – let that feed your confidence!
In regards to your current situation with your subs anxiety and such maybe you can use this time to help guide her and be the rock she needs. This is a classic Fom trait and allows you to maintain that connection while you grow your dynamic.
Be strong while you are working through your current life events, I have been there as well and it does get better.
My best to you and your lady.
Mr G8tr

[havocblaid]

Welcome. Lots of good information already here and nothing I can really add to it. So let me just welcome you happily.