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D/s-M "Who'd of Thunk"
I would be remiss if I did not start with the aspect of this being a very needed resource and blog. Mr. Fox, you have provided a place for Doms who are ‘real’ to find real-life feedback on the transition and lifestyle of being a 24×7 married couple with D/s interwoven. Thank you.
We have been married for 22 years and together for 25. From the start we had discussed the roles that each of us was looking for in our relationship. My wife wanted her grandmother’s life of staying home, raising a family and taking care of her husband. I worked (a lot) which included travel and time away. Over the past 22 years we have survived raising 3 independent children and built a strong relationship foundation.
Three years ago we felt that our wishes had finally come true. I was offered a job in London as the CEO of a company and our youngest daughter was about to go away to college freeing my wife up to travel the world with me. It turned into that story of “Careful what you wish for…”.
Two years into it I was working 14 hour days and my wife wasn’t able to travel all of the time dealing with the things at home. When we finally sold our house in the US and moved our daughter to college, my wife joined me in London. For about 6 months it was like we were dating again when I was there. Which to be honest wasn’t that much.
Then the roof down. I came into the company I was running as part of an acquisition and all along I knew the objective was to reorganize and flip it. That’s what I did. And two years in to what I thought was a five year process it ended. I could see it ending, but was too busy to think about personally how it would impact us. Being in a foreign country, when you lose your position you lose your house. The UK Border administration sent us a lovely letter saying Get Out and Go Home in 60 days. We sold everything except our country lake house in the US so we ended up in the middle of nowhere.
I tell you all of this back story because it is really how we became ‘broken’. Throughout our 22 years together, we had our defined roles. Her’s of mother and nurturer with me as the Ward Cleaver leader husband. But with our children leaving and me losing a high power position we both lost ourselves in the process. Coming back to the country also put us in a different position. No friends nearby and finding a new job in a slow economy in the middle of nowhere was difficult. I was broken and no longer the rock in the family. She was broken and no longer had anyone to care for.
Don’t get me wrong, we are still very much in love and our bond was still strong, it was just empty. About two months ago, things reached a point that my wife said she needed me to be the leader. She was struggling trying to get control of things and kept over committing to people and activities. The children and my life had put boundaries on her that were not gone and she needed help. She needed me to be lead her and guide her.
At first it was just her calendar and activities. Then it was everything in her life. She wanted discipline and for me to be her Dom. When I asked her if she wanted to be submissive she responded that she had always wanted to be the submissive wife. And she has followed through on her part (generally) of being a good submissive.
If anything, I feel that the issues we have encountered are due to my struggles with the Dom side. Much of the materials on D/s available in the world are very skewed toward the harder side of BDSM and really aren’t about Dom/Sub as much as Bondage. I have struggled with the fallacies that the Dom is expected to know everything and to be the harsh discipliner. (I will start another thread in the proper forum for my questions on that front). I appreciate the simple release from these expectations that this blog presents. We have implemented downtime already (‘free-talk’ for us) to discuss what is working and not working. Things have progressed to the extent that when I made a major miss-step in my mind as the Dom and wanted to end it, my wife refused and argued why she wanted to continue to submit to my authority over her.
In all, the D/s-M has significantly improved our marriage and our individual lives. Both of us have quickly gotten back into a groove we lost years ago. We know that this is what is right for us and look forward to seeing our relationship grow. As Mr. Fox has stated in his story, we now seem to be able to discuss topics that in the past were taboo without fear of recrimination or guilt. We have also learned things about each other that were hidden for a long time.
I plan to send my wife/sub to LK’s site for the support she needs as well. Sorry for this long post, but it was good to finally get it out. Thank you again, Mr. Fox, for starting this blog for real life D/s-M feedback and discussion.
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1 Reply
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The Hunter,
If I was going to describe my community your description might be exactly what I would use.
Mr. Fox, you have provided a place for Doms who are ‘real’ to find real-life feedback on the transition and lifestyle of being a 24×7 married couple with D/s interwoven. Thank you.
If anything, I feel that the issues we have encountered are due to my struggles with the Dom side.
You posses more wisDOM than you may think. This realization can sometimes take a while to come to terms with. A D/s relationship has a clear leader and that leader carries responsibility and accountability.
I have struggled with the fallacies that the Dom is expected to know everything and to be the harsh discipliner.
There are two separate issues within this statement and both of them are misrepresented by many and create enormous issues in a relationship.
No one wants to follow a leader that pretends to know what they are doing but really has no clue. That man is a fool and everyone knows that.
The harsh discipliner… Every relationship is different and unique but most of the couples that I have mentored are not simply looking for harsh discipline. It really makes me wonder who writes that stuff…
Best wishes,
Mr Fox
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