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Brand New but more more more please
I’m a beginner. I happened upon this site a couple of months ago and kept coming back as it intrigued me. It spoke to me. Not only did I see myself here as a dom but just as clearly I saw my lovely wife as a sub. After drilling down and researching here and elsewhere I feel like my wife and I have been living a baby vanilla version of this without knowing it. I’m naturally dominant and she’s naturally submissive. It’s a dynamic we’ve both discussed openly and embraced about each other since day one. Only we used the word “traditional.”
In the bedroom, we have always had this dynamic. I have always initiated, directed and guided our sex life. In fact, her submissive nature in the bedroom was somewhat foreign to me when we first met. I had never really experienced it but I LOVED it. I opened a door that allowed me to slot into a version of myself that was always there but had never come out.
In our daily lives, a version of the dynamic exists as well. I’m a natural leader and she is a wonderful supporter. I’ve become the success I am in no doubt because I’ve had her by my side. I live to please and pamper her. To drag home a big kill and proudly lay on the table for her. To see her swoon makes my chest puff.
That said, we are typically vanilla as I understand the term. We still have a power struggle in our relationship. Yes, I always make the final decision but it often comes after bickering. We have our disagreements, then we turn cold on each other, silent treatments, etc, you know the drill. It’s the one aspect of our marriage that I’ve known needs work. We love spending time together but these freeze outs would steal precious days from each other. I grew tired of it. I wanted to find a way out of that bitter cycle. I think that’s how I came to discover this site 2 months ago.
I know my wife very well. I knew that at this stage I could not share this site with her or BDSM or D/s. It would spook her. To be honest, 2 months ago it would have spooked me.
So I decided to just “act as if” For the last three weeks or so I have been focused on being dominant. What I love most about this dynamic is as it seems to me the best version of it is the man is putting his woman first. I like that. I love treating my girl with respect, taking problems out of her hands, making a quick decision for her as I watch her vacillate. It fills me with pride and I get a rush of masculine energy. I can also see how much it pleases her. When I see the old argument or bickering start to rear its ugly head, I stop. I take control of the conversation and I calmly explain to her that I don’t like when she speaks disrespectfully. Same thing when I spot an eye roll or a sarcastic comment. Lately, I simply go to her and tell her that I don’t like that behavior, that’s it’s not constructive.
It’s working like a charm. We’re not bickering anymore. We are both taking the time and energy to be more thoughtful in the moment. It’s amazing how you receive what you give.
We have always had a terrific sex life but since I’ve started implementing this… it’s been ridiculously good.
So… here’s my dilemma… I love this dynamic. I want to continue with it. I want to go further. But I know my wife and I can not share with her yet where these ideas are coming from. I can’t share with her that I’m acting out D/s. She would be unsettled. But I want to share it with her because I feel like I’m holding a secret from her.
I’m torn because I do not want this to end. This is great for us. And natural for us. I want to keep growing into this.
what do you all advise? Should I just continue on this path without telling her it’s D/s and see what happens? I read a lot on here that the most important thing is that both the D and the s be on board with this lifestyle. That’s my quandary… I know in her heart she in on board but if I named it I fear she would retreat.
I can not go back to the way it was. This is so much better.
Thoughts???
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6 Replies
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You expressed yourself quite clearly to us. I can only imagine you will find the perfect words for your wife. The basis of all we do is the D/s-M foundation of Trust, Respect, Honesty, Communication & Love.
Some started after watching 50 Shades, however erotic the story might be, the main character Dom is completely screwed up in the head. Have you two watched the movie? Did it prompt any discussion?
There’s another movie you can find, older, called The Secretary (James Spader). Again, that is a fun movie to watch and it can also open the door to conversation. I laughed a lot.
Here’s the thing. Your behavior will still be you. You are who you are.
So, when YOU feel the time is right, have that discussion.
There is a sub site that Mr Fox’s wife and sub runs called submrs.com Lots of good advice there as well for Her.
Go slow. Good luck.
I so resonate with the following: (this is me as well)
I’m a natural leader and she is a wonderful supporter. I’ve become the success I am in no doubt because I’ve had her by my side. I live to please and pamper her. To drag home a big kill and proudly lay on the table for her. To see her swoon makes my chest puff.
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Welcome Aboard,
With some subtle differences, this could be me and mine. Like Tex said, you will know the right time. Mine knows that I want this, and we are easing slowly toward it. The more I take charge, the more she follows. The natural dyna mic is more. I, like you, wish to continue it, bur I know I can only continue as long as she’s comfortable. That is not to ssy, I’m not nudging her and pushing limitd.
Again, welcome, I look forward to chatting with you.
WG -
Snrub,
Beautiful story that many members here on husDOM™ can relate with themselves.
Let me begin by addressing the end of your story first…
But I want to share it with her because I feel like I’m holding a secret from her.
You already know the answer to your own question… It is a difficult answer and you are looking for validation from others to do what you already know is against your true nature…
The D/s-M journey is an endeavor that involves you and your partner. All of the fundamentals of the lifestyle rely on BOTH partners working together as a whole. You have already come to a point in your relationship where you feel there is no going back to the way that it was. Your wife hasn’t even taken her first step. In fact she is completely unaware that you are already on a journey.
My suggestion…
Remove the labels if they present a challenge to you or your wife.
D/s – BDSM – I could remove the titles from this entire website and it wouldnt change my message.
Approach her with what makes you happy… What she does that feeds you as a man, as a person. The things that you enjoy doing for her. How it makes you feel to do these things for her.
Leave the titles and labels out of it… in the beginning. Call it whatever you desire or nothing at all. It is the lifestyle, the dynamic that you are searching for, not the title.
She needs to be right there with you as you embark on this journey that the two of you are on.
Best wishes,
Mr Fox
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Well done, well put, well spoken. I couldn’t have said it any better. You just told my story. This lifestyle is exactly what she asked me for when we got married, and yet when I slip in some of the language from it she backs off; so I just enjoy the rewords of it all. This has saved me from me and has kept us married during a vary trying time. It has shown both of us that we were the rite decision for each other. Thank for this.
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Hi All–
Thank you all for you thoughtful advice and suggestions.
My wife and I just had a wonderful weekend with our two kids and I know it all stems from my continuing us on this path.
Mr. Fox… thanks for your suggestion. For the time being I’m not going to mention the words D/s or BDSM but we have been openly discussing the change in our dynamic. I’ve been forthcoming with her that in my opinion we work best when I’m acting like a dominant male and she’s supporting me in the traditional way. She’s 100% on board with this. It’s what comes most natural to her and it’s what she likes.
Now, who knows if we will ever get to the point where I reveal how this journey started or if she will ever formally submit to me but I think your advice is sound — just keep doing it like this for awhile and see what happens.
I do feel much better having shared with her where my head is at. I went into detail with her about how much I enjoy when we are working together this way… with this dynamic. I explained how it focuses my masculine energy in a positive way — taking care of her, taking on more responsibilities, etc.– and gives me a rush. She couldn’t agree more. We also touched a bit on her role and how essential her support is… that the two work hand in hand. She feels the same way. I was even shocked to come home yesterday and discover that the kids room was completely reorganized — something I’d been asking for a long time but was always met with resistance. When I told her how pleased I was and what a good girl she was she replied… anything for you.
That was new. That was nice.
Thanks again to you all. This is a wonderful community you all have here. I’m happy to be a small part of it.
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Dude,
Are we working in parallel universes? My wife and I had a great dis cussing this weekend. She told me she didn’t realize how much she wanted this until she got it. Now she wants more. The house is clean, our sex is incredible, our marriage is the best it’s been.
She also told me at another time this weekend that she tries to get her work done with eno ugh time to make herself look cute for me when I get home. The big difference in mine and yours, is that mine is asking for more and more of the kink. Who knows, that may happen for you as well. Keep it up.
Regards,
WG
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