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Bliss
Bliss
I’ve cried myself asleep for the last time, I tell myself yet again. He’s right there next to me but he doesn’t even seem to know that I’m here. I feel invisible, unwanted, undesirable and unloved.
When he left this morning it was for the last time, taking his toothbrush and the little things that remind me of him, of what we could have been. Work is just not going to happen so I undress and crawl back into bed, my tears flowing again, my anguish screamed into my uncaring pillow, Munchkin watching from her cat tree. I am alone and crying. Will this ever stop?
I wake again around noon with a broken sky to greet me, the billowy clouds echoing my sadness. I’m paralyzed against my own self, her arms around me trying to protect me yet again. “You should never have trusted him” she says. “You are always going to be alone so you better buck up” she scolds. I’m on the floor sobbing wondering where this woman inside me came from, the one that puts up walls, the one that shields me from harm, the one that keeps me at a distance. I know the answers but it doesn’t make her go away.
Years of hurt, abuse, being put down, losing jobs, seeing my kids cry and me powerless to stop any of it. As hard as I try to control my life it never seems to be enough. I work hard, I genuinely try at my relationships, I’m a good mom. But life keeps pushing me…pushing me beyond my limits, beyond my control, beyond my breaking points. “Oh dear goddess what are you doing to me?!?!” I scream in my head. She’s silent and I’m screaming. My body is racked with sobs and I can’t stop, my mind is coming undone, I feel myself shattering again, fingers clawing at the floor, tears falling freely onto the wood. I can’t go on.
For that brief moment I think of it, the release from worry, from the pain, from the ache…and then I picture my three children and leaving is simply not an option. It never has been for me but I’ve dreamt of the freedom it would bring.
Sitting in the open window, the cool spring air making my skin prickle, my best friend calls. I don’t want to talk, I don’t want to cry, but I know she needs me too so I answer, “Hi” I say willing to make the waver in my voice go away.
“Ok, what’s wrong?” She sees right through me as usual. “I honestly can’t talk about it right now. What’s up with you?”
“Fine but you’ll have to tell me later. I can’t talk long but I want you to go to Vegas with me and Kyle in two weeks. He’s going to a conference and I can’t be alone for that long. Will you pleeeease come with me? Kyle will pay for your flight and the room is already paid for….pleeeease? It sounds like you could really use it.” We’ve been friends forever but rarely see each other since she lives so far away. The feeling that passes through me is so strange, like someone breathing through me. It lightens me…maybe this will be good, even though I know they’ll be like bunnies the entire time.
“You guys are so sweet! I’m really down and this is perfect timing, I’d love to go. How long are you staying?”
“We are going down Friday and leaving Wednesday, can you stay that long?”
“Oh that sounds wonderful but I would have to leave Sunday night, is that ok?”, I ask. I really don’t want to disappoint her but I don’t want to use up 2 days of vacation either.
“Sure, I’ll book you home on a flight Sunday night! Oh thank you! This will be so much fun! I’ll email you the details in a few days. Kisses to the kids”
“And to you guys too. Love you.”
“Love you back.”
Wow, what strange timing. I’m alone, sort of thankfully..well barely, and now I have travel plans! My resolve at being alone and not letting another man into my heart is strong. This isn’t going to happen again! Turning to close the window there’s a feather where I was sitting. It’s one of those grey ones that has a bit of iridescence. I collect it before it can blow away and put it in the tin can I keep feathers in by the sink. I don’t really remember the last feather I found and I know I’ve never found one inside my apartment before.
A week later I get the email with the flight reservations. I’m really going! The next weekend Lisa flies in on Thursday night so we have a night together before Vegas. As usual one thing leads to another and we are downing drinks in a Martini bar. Even going home that night I know I’m going to be hurting tomorrow.
I awake to Lisa shaking me, “Get up! We need to leave in half an hour!” Oh no, I spring out of bed to run to the bathroom…oh owie!! This is much worse than I expected. With some help I manage to get ready and “pack” so we can leave. Later I discovered what Lisa thought I needed consisted of a pair of dresses, 2 pairs of high heeled shoes, 2 pairs of underwear, a bikini and what I had on. I was lucky to throw in my makeup.
It wasn’t until we were checking in for our flights that I noticed the return date, Wednesday! “Lisa! You have me coming home Wednesday not Sunday!” I check with the ticket lady who says I can change my flight to Sunday but besides the $50 change fee the flight will be $300 more! “Are you kidding me right now?” “Never mind, I’ll just stay and enjoy the time away”, I decide, figuring this too might actually be good.
Our first days are fun, we see a couple shows and they are true to their bunnyness as expected. The hotel is off the strip and doesn’t have any gambling which suits me. It’s a small 3 story, 4 building place with a central pool. It’s really pretty nice and very low key, just what I needed.
On Sunday Kyle has his trade show so we head down for breakfast, barely making it since we are both hungover. Arranging a table by the pool is a man that has me doing a double take and I stop to watch him. He’s carrying over a umbrella to his chosen table and arranging it just so. He has on one of those safari vests and reminds me almost to a T of my father. Sunday night we go and see Zumanity. Wow what fun! Totally erotic and sensual. Kyle is ready to take us both back and have his way, but I’m not into that and he’s more like a big brother to me anyway and Lisa is like my sister…that wold just be eww.
The next morning Lisa and I rally around 2:00, obviously too late for breakfast, and go out to the market for some food (aka beer). During our walk we talk about Kyle, about how happy she is and my recent pain. We stop in a parking lot as Lisa takes my hand, “You can’t let this stop you from loving again sweetie. I know there’s some one like Kyle out there for you, I KNOW IT.” “It’s just so hard Lisa, every time I let someone in it breaks my heart and my kids hearts. I just don’t want to do that again.” Lisa looks deep in my eyes, the world quiet around us, “He is out there. You need to trust the goddess. Hold my hands and lets put the wish out there together.”
I’m reluctant at first but the mood seizes me and we do it, holding hands in the Hooters parking lot, we send our wish to the goddess, that the man I need is brought into my life, to love me and my children, to take care of me and sweep me away from my past. The feeling of the goddess surrounds me and for the first time in a while I really feel her around me, in the Hooters parking lot! Opening my eyes we hug and hold hands all the way back to the hotel.
Arriving back at the hotel we head straight to the pool with a pair of Tecate’s to cure last nights fun. At the pool I point out the “vest man” to Lisa that reminded me of my dad. He’s in the pool talking to his lady who sits in a chair poolside. Walking up to some vacant lounge chairs I watch as she gives a beer to Mr. Vest and one to another guy in the pool I hadn’t noticed. He’s sorta cute from this distance and seems to think swimming with his sun glasses on is cool. It makes me giggle a bit.
We sit briefly but in the Nevada sun we quickly decide to cool off. I can’t quite take my eyes off of Mr. Sunglasses and sure enough they both move towards us as we swim the length of the pool, for the life of me like predators! Mr. Vest introduces himself and his son…oh damn I missed it. Lisa is so crazy friendly she’s already chumming up to Mr. Vest. Mr. Sunglasses starts talking to me, offering his hand by way of greeting. I take it only to feel electrocuted!
He’s talking when he removes his glasses….oh my his eyes are green..and mesmerizing, like Ka from The Jungle Book. I keep swimming away from him as we talk, slowly circling Lisa and his father. Finally I say, “Could you please put your sunglasses back on?” I can’t focus at all with him staring at me! The smile that greets my request just makes things worse. Sneaking back to Lisa I serepticiously ask what his name was again. I also decide I should get away from him and thus announce that I’m cold and going to the hot tub. For that brief moment I’m thinking again about my commitment to be alone… and then the wish to the goddess reminds me that I opened myself up again.
Mr. Sunglasses (I forgot his name again already) watches me as he swims over to his beer. I’m sure I’m grinning like an idiot watching him. He’s so funny! He swims to the far end of the pool and submerges so just his eyes are above the water, watching me. It’s so cute and silly…and I love it. AT LAST he gets out of the pool and heads to the hot tub. It feels like slow motion watching him approach, he’s not crazy fit but has a good body with decent muscle tone, brown hair and I’m quite certain a name. We talk for a time in the hot tub before I ask him the meaning of his pendent, “It means Valiance” he replies. Seriously? He’s wearing a symbol of a hero? A Prince? As he’s talking I can see he’s really thinking about what he’s saying but I don’t remember any of it..all I remember is him taking his sunglasses off again.
“I’m sorry but I have to do this” my voice says as I wrap my arms around his neck and kiss him deeply. His return is breath taking. His arms encompass me, squeezing my entire body, his hand on my neck, his tongue reaching for mine. I feel the electricity flowing through me as I slide into his lap. “It’s already too late for me, save yourselves ladies!”
I can’t believe my own ears nor obviously could he when I say, “You’re going to want to see me again”. His crooked smile looks bemused and I’m melting. He takes my hand as we get out of the spa but does not let it go as we walk hand in hand back to their table. My gentleman then fetches our beers as we all get to know each other. Finally he asks me to dinner tonight and we agree to meet at the courtyard at 7:00. Plenty of time…
At 7:10 I’m frantic, trying to hurriedly put on my makeup after changing between my two black dresses and shoes several times. Sending Lisa to go get My Prince seems the only option even though she’s in her a black neglige waiting for Kyle to return. A few minutes later he’s here and I’m almost ready. I can hear him talking to Lisa about the various funny sex related Vegas trinkets we’ve collected. At last I can’t find any more excuses and enter the living room.
My Prince immediately stands when I enter, his white cotton shirt loose and untucked, jeans and leather flip flops complementing him nicely. Again he takes my hand but this time raises it to his lips, “You look ravishing.” Ahhh. The electricity is still there but it just makes my heart leap now. Again he doesn’t release my hand as we sit down together. He reengages Lisa in conversation, turning to me occasionally as well. The more he talks the more relaxed I feel. Our hands break contact when I reach for my drink. When I put my drink down and return my hand to my lap, he wraps his hand over mine, forcing mine into a fist. It’s astounding. Looking down my little hand is completely protected by his, his fingers enclosing mine in a strong but gentle embrace.
At last we leave to go have dinner, walking thru the courtyard past the pool. First though he takes me back to his room for some drinks. We sit together on the balcony watching the sunset and we talk. He shares a lot but he really listens too. I really open up to him, I share my fears of the future, fears of the past, my desire to be alone, my broken heart. Looking up I’m sure I’ll see him distant and withdrawn, looking for a way out. Instead he’s reaching up for my face, cupping my chin and holding my cheek. “I’m truly sorry.” Those few words, said with conviction and honesty, touch my heart and send me soaring.
“I’m sorry but I have to do this” he says, mocking my earlier statement. His kiss is long and gentle, breaking away to kiss my cheeks and closed eyes and forehead. Finally he kisses my ear and my heart ignites. His fingers intertwine with my hair, gently at first but then he grabs my hair and pulls my head back, his mouth assaulting my neck, his other hand finding its way from my hip to my breasts. With a great urgency he half way removes my dress, pinning me to the couch. He’s fully dressed so I start to remove his clothes only for him to grab my wrists and pin my hands above my head, “Don’t move” I’m commanded. My heart and body jump, his command holding a power over me that is at once dangerous and thrilling and comforting all at the same time.
Hours pass, our insatiable hunger for each other preventing us from going out. Between each love making we snuggle and kiss and hold each other. In the middle of the night as we lay there dozing, occasionally speaking, he whispers into my hair, “You are safe now.” Suddenly I can’t stop the tears. This man has captured me and broken down my walls. His arms tighten around me as the sobs rack my body, all of my worries coming undone, my heart aching for him, for him to be right and true and strong. My self doubts creep in as my crying ebbs, my tears rolling off his chest. As I quiet he says, “You are going to want to see me again.” And with that, she is gone again, that lady inside me that puts up those walls, pushed back again in the light of this joy.
Now we are laughing and tickling and wrestling. His humor in my moment of doubt, his playful energy, his sensual and powerful touch, his confidence, all of these things haven taken me to a place I never want to leave. It’s pure Bliss.
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