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Becoming the Dom I want to be
Where do I start, I am nearing the end of a long journey of hurt and distrust and poor communication. It started about a year into our marriage my wife truly discovered BDSM and the D/s lifestyle. I thought it was a phase and it quite honestly scared me at the time it seemed strange and made me feel uncertain. Since then I have learned more and more about myself but not nearly enough about what makes her tick. We have gone in a continual cycle of closeness and distance, mostly due to my weakness, fear, and insecurity making me unable to wrap my head around what being a Dom actually is. Seven years later multiple broken promises on my part, failure to hear and understand, it is no wonder she is done. The passion is gone, she says she loves me but its like we are good friends and she doesn’t want to stay wondering what if.
I am/was a hopeless romantic at heart. I give all of myself, too much of myself to those I love. I have been hurt several times and I realize that I haven’t loved in a good way but in a needy boundary-less codependent way, I am working on this. I have for too long put my self-worth in the hands of others instead of looking for inner worth and strength. This has led me to only more hurt and the threat of divorce.
I love this woman with every part of my being, but I let fear of imperfection, fear of intimacy, fear of closeness keep me from truly opening up to her and being the Dom she has asked me for countless times. I felt that I cared too much to do what she asked even if when I mustered the courage I felt closer to her than I ever have. In reality I didn’t care enough to listen. I didn’t understand that what she was explaining was her reality, was her actual reality. I am only now realizing that my perceived reality has no bearing on her experience in this universe. I never took the time to listen. I thought I was listening to her but now I realize I wasn’t truly listening to what she was saying. I want to be what I feel inside, I want to project what I feel to the outside world. I want to be myself, my true uninhibited self. I want to destroy the fear of trying, the fear of putting myself out there, the fear of messing up. I am working on this daily for myself and will continue to do so. It may be too little too late for my wife, I hope it is not but I will for the first time in my life truly try to break free of the fears that have kept me from being me.
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2 Replies
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Mr Jay,
Your introduction and analysis is a very insightful and honest look at yourself. You have come to the right assessment though. It will all begin with you…
This community is all about the gentleman Dominant…
Welcome aboard!
Best wishes,
Mr Fox
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Welcome to the community Mr. Jay. I hope you can communicate these things and express your intention to her as you begin to work on the things you described. Good luck, I hope to chat soon.
DOM, great words man, this is something to be constantly working on. Love what you said.
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