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An Introduction (well a "long" introduction)
Hi everyone this is my introduction thread. I hope you stick with it because I could really use feedback on how to proceed and incorporate a level of D/s into our marriage (and basically my dilemma is at the end). Let me start by saying that my wife and I are in our mid-40’s and have been married 27 years. Having said those numbers, as you can calculate we were “high school sweethearts”. We met when she was in 9th grade and I was in 10th, and then had the normal high school dating drama. In any event we married right after she graduated high school (because somehow she was pregnant). So we married and started our family very young and had our second a few years later. Well, the normal years rolled by as the kids were growing and we were just an average family. She was not overly sexual after we got married, I would say a little below average. But that was our lifestyle of raising a family. Then came our mid-30’s when I was diagnosed with a terminal illness that gets progressively worse. I have been lucky in the sense that I have a “very” slow form of the disease we in the state’s call ALS or Lou Gehrig’s disease. So over the last ten years I have lost a lot of the function of my legs, my speech is pretty poor, and my arms don’t move quickly (which she doesn’t mind, but I know she would like a little harder swing). But enough about me lets fast-forward until about five months ago. My wife and I had been “empty nesters” for about a year and a half, when she started feeling more comfortable with her body. And after 27 years of waiting she became everything that I have dreamed about sexually without any inhibitions. That is when I started pushing our normal limits and incorporating different things into what became nightly situations (which was weekly). One evening or morning, I don’t remember, during our “pillow talk” I mentioned getting some toys for her, which she would have never even wanted to hear in the past. At first she said the politically correct answer of “no”, but then ten minutes later agreed to them (to which I was happy because I knew I needed some assistance). So we ordered some basic stuff online and she couldn’t wait for it to arrive, and about ripped the box apart when it came. Then I said that I was not going to wait and pay shipping the next time and she was going to have to go inside a store, which she would have gotten mad at even the mention of one in the past. So I told her to message me some items that she would like to have gotten with our online order that we would now go buy. She sent me links to leather wrist and ankle cuffs, collar and leash, one for a blindfold, and one for a little paddle. So with these links and the way she had become verbal during sex I knew that I was getting into uncharted territory for us. Needless to say that within a few days we had the opportunity to get to the store and purchase all the above items along with a few others. So I have done my best to create situations and scenes where we can utilize the small inventory that we have. In addition to my attempts to keep utilizing them in the bedroom (which she loves), I would also sent her messages at work to preform a certain task like taking a specific photo. There have been other tasks that I have come up with and sent her to which she always completes, one being a list of “what would you do and what won’t you do” because I am still trying to gauge the situation. She “never” wears jewelry except her wedding ring and two weeks ago I sent her a link of a “discreet submissive collar/necklace” and told her I was going to get it for her. To which she replied that she would wear it, and she does wear it now 24 hours a day (her idea not to remove it). Now I know it’s not an obvious collar out in public, but it is significant that she wears anything at all let alone a necklace that she knows stands for her submission to me. I mentioned this site and the partner site to her and she was interested had me send her the links while she was working to her phone. Unfortunately she does not use our home computer for anything but paying bills, she uses her iPhone for everything else. Anyway, it appears that she “assumed” that she would have to pay for a membership right from the start. So I informed her today that you could join as a basic member for now and that’s exactly what I was doing today, so I will have to see if she joins the partner site to read the blogs and forum.
And now, if you are still reading this, for my interesting dynamic/dilemma. As I mentioned I have a slow progressing ALS, which is slowly taking away muscle function and not allowing me to work. And in turn I now have my lovely wife becoming very active in the bedroom and willing to follow and command sexually and falling into the submissive role. The problem is that she is basically for all intents and purposes my caregiver. Meaning she is the only one working, does all the housework, shopping, and driving. So I am trying to find a balance where I am home all day while she’s working, comes home and does the cooking and yet I am attempting to portray the dominate one as I am using a walker across a carpeted floor. And as you can image we are limited to the positions that we can achieve and I know my speech is not very sharp and crystal clear when I am trying to be assertive. And yet nothing of my physical situation has changed in the last five months, so she went into this knowing our limitations.
PS: She had “no” idea of the extent of my interest in different sexual things until she started five months ago. That is when we had honest conversations and I spoke to her about how I had wished for a more active sex life over the years. The D/s lifestyle still hadn’t come up in those initial conversations until she sent me the links for the products. And she doesn’t like to read, nor has she seen any of the 50 Shade movies (I haven’t either).
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5 Replies
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Welcome Slater, it was good chatting with you in the other day. I am pretty new and currently I can’t speak to some of the physical limitations. I would encourage you and your wife to sit down and talk through what you want to try and don’t want to try when things aren’t passionate.
This may also help her tell you some ways you can get her to a submissive place even with your limitations. Seems like she truly wants that even in the face of having much of the responsibilities.
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Sir OTW, Thank you for the reply and our “in room” chat the other day. You are correct in that we need to get some “organization” to what our expectations and limitations are. As of right now she is being submissive when I do give a direct task or instructions while in the bedroom (and some events happen outside the bedroom). I thought about it over night and I think the main theme of my introduction is that I don’t want her to lose focus, get bored, or basically give up while I attempt to figure out how to turn the ship a little into uncharted territory after 27 years of the same routine.
“Seems like she truly wants that even in the face of having much of the responsibilities.”…I firmly agree and don’t want to disappoint her after she has shown me this side of her after all these years.
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Mr. Slater,
Welcome to HusDOM. I’m hearing a large amount of mental limitations and less physical. You are creating roads blocks in your own mind (I did this at some point and sometimes still do). Our subs love us, it’s how we moved from husband and wife to D/s-M.
Now the biggest issue I get from your intro is: How can you expect to be a Dominant when your sub cares for you in such a way without getting tired of you “barking orders.” Sexual interests are the major key. And it doesn’t have to be major. Little hints and a few words go a long way.
Here is an example that is simple but can get the feeling you want to give:
Whenever my father was sitting with a group of his friends at a party and my mother walked passed, he would knock on the table five times. I got older and started to watch an pay attention. He would do it and I would notice her glance and she would blush. My father was born in 1931, so things were different. I decided to ask my uncle why my dad would do that and my uncle told me that was the way they told someone was sexy (equivalent to our whistle here in the U.S.).
So the point of my story is simple even after 40 yrs of being together my father still had her blushing, including when he had his leg amputated and being in a wheelchair needed her to take care of him.Being a Dominant and keeping our subs focus is different for each of us. But the one thing that will never change is the mental caring and keeping a step ahead of our subs. If you care, you will always work toward keeping the dynamic going.
Best of Luck!
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ORDDOM,
Thank you very much for not only reading my intro but also for your reply. I honestly “love” (and understand the connection) of the story that your shared regarding your mother and father. It truly covers a lot of different emotions and reactions, sweet, risqué, and humorous.
I agree with you statement of it being more of a mental issue for me at this point and basically overthinking every step/move I should make. Although I just noticed your reply, I did make a lot of progress yesterday (the day after your reply) that got the ball really rolling.
Again, thank you so much for reading the post and not only giving your insight but also relating a story to the situation….Just Fantastic
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Very glad you are making strides!
Keep reading the blogs. There is more insight through those because they are basically the cornerstones of what we all have found helpful.
Then move on to the Forums. Forums are great because it gives insight into how we have put the blogs into practice.
Chat is the next piece with gives you quick feedback when you want to realign and ask for opinions
Enjoy the journey. It gets rough, but always worth it.
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