A new home. and lifestyle

[Unknown Member]

Best of luck. I so wish your wife could read this. But alas not meant to be. Actions always speak louder than words. Good luck. You control you.

[steps]

I agree with both DOM and Tex. It would be great if she could read this honest, personal explanation of your view, but at the same time, maybe she can’t read this for various reasons.

Perhaps you could modify it? For example, if she is not familiar with, accepting of, or has not agreed to D/s terminology, think of some other word to use instead of “dom” or “sub.”

One word of caution though because you called her your sub. I totally understand the instinct, but just want to point out that because she identified as a natural sub does not necessarily make her “your” sub. Has she agreed to be your sub? Just wanted to point out this distinction because the basis for dom/sub relationship is communication and consent IMO. I think your decision to “Dom up” is a great one, but just be wary of expecting her to be your sub if she hasn’t committed to that. That could lead to hurt if she doesn’t live up to various expectations of yours that have not been consented to.

I think, from what I’ve heard from you so far, your journey is a personal one that will hopefully show her the light as well. Lead by example! Looking forward to chatting more and hoping everything goes well for the two of you!

[lawdogdom]

Great point about being HER Dom. In her mind, we are done and “not married” anymore even though the papers have not been filed. And thank you for pointing this small, but critical piece out. There is not much trust, especially emotional trust anymore so the concept of me being her dom will not or cannot resonate, even if it would have in years past. In my mind I am still madly (even more so now than recently) in love with her. And I keep remembering all the previously shared love versus the pain and hurt that is foremost on her mind. So until I can get some cracks in that wall, I will heed the valuable advice. Thank you.

[wifellover]

Welcome, I’m a LEO in Seattle area, I hear ya. If you need any support, hit me up, I’m very new as well, but can commiserate if you need some! Good luck, it’s an awesome responsibility and journey!

[husdom]

LawdogDom,

Welcome Aboard!

One of the most difficult things for new Doms to do is to realize their part in the journey. What I mean here is that they often don’t really ‘own it’…

You appear to have a much more clear picture of you and your current dynamic than you have ever experienced previously.

I wish you the best of luck with your current situation but I am confident that no matter the outcome you are already a better man…

Your personal growth is the foundation to growing as a Dominant…

Best wishes,

Mr Fox

[Unknown Member]

LawdogDom,

Welcome, although we have chatted and you have made some insightful comments on several post. I’m glad that you found husDom, never say never. I agree with the other Doms, it would be beneficial to you and her, even if the outcome isn’t optimal. Being able to say what is in your heart can only lighten it.

Good Luck

Boris

[Unknown Member]

Okay, 19th has come and gone. How did it go?

[lawdogdom]

Update: on. The 19th , long conversation about the relationship and told hr about HusDom and subMrs. Left early next morning. Returned on 22nd to uncomfortable ride home and afternoon. But got to work dividing things and getting ready for packers. After kids in bed, started going through our porn and
Things. She opened the box and I had forgotten I put the new collars in there. Her eyes immediately went there. Conversation turned to why I’m doing this…what I expect, etc. She was angry, frustrated, upset.

As we kept talking, I took the black collar (she is in love with / holding the purple velvety one?) and put it on her. She visibly shuddered and sighed in contentment. I explained safe words too briefly really, and we started a soft scene…mostly clothed. Initial spanking…she wanted more and harder….

Then said she might not be able to do this, too many conflicting emotions…so I shut it down…went into downtime. I listened and spoke reassuringly….it was like everything I had been seeing on these pages regarding downtime, etc kicked in. It was comforting…as I comforted her, held her, she played with the collar a bit, discussed how she liked it but was torn bc she couldn’t promise anything, couldn’t say she wanted to stay together.

I explained how I wanted to learn about this side of me and preferred doing it with her versus someone else…explained how we could grow together, that she wouldn’t feel neglected/marginalized or ignored anymore. She could be safe with me. Wasn’t asking for lifetime commitment, just to see if she trusted me enough to have some fun and see what she likes…

She likes a lot of things….spanking/hair pulling. Used a few new toys and made her come 3 times. It was all about a control, play scene. Focused totally on her. She was honestly like holy fuck, what just happened. We showered with her hands still tied…which was fun. Then back to bed for more downtime.

Overall a success….but she is confused. Happy, but not in love with me. I had to wait patiently for her to get that out. Never would have before here. I took it calmly, said I understood and I did not expect this to change her mind about the divorce…there was too much hurt and pain…too much uncertainty… Too soon versus past 12 years.

She is a little perplexed at how I can go from little interest to being so certain about D/s.

As for me….well if I only thought I liked the idea of D/s before, I now KNOW this is right path for me. More to follow. Packers packing up the house.

Thanks to DOM for bringing me here. Thanks to Tex, sir, and of course Mr. Fox for all the help and support. Long road still, but it was a positive connection. And no awkwardness today. Can’t say enough about downtime. Scheduled for today at 10.

[Unknown Member]

I honestly did not believe you were going to have this much “success” if that’s the right word.

Obviously neither of you know where this is going, if anywhere, but damn buddy, you “Dom’d the Fuck up” and blew her away. You gave her a taste and honestly it sounds like you are doing everything right.

Best thing now, no matter what, you know you are giving it the best effort you were able to give. The ball is in her court. It’s no time to make predictions, but what a magnificent start, amigo.

[lawdogdom]

Updates to the updates:
Where to begin? The momentary success was followed by catestrophic failure. Basically, I disregarded her wishes and did not “listen” to her when she said she could not emotionally do this, but physically wanted it. I heard what I wanted to hear. Saw her physical responses as more than what they were and wished it to be more. That was not very Dom like.

In short, she feels pressured and on the defensive. She does not want a relationship like this with me because she feels she cannot trust me. I have had several discussion threads in chat regarding this.

I think I had hoped that the physical connection would help want to start working on the trust issues, but instead, I may have created more distance in the process. I am realizing that until she can let go of some of the hurt and anger, there is no chance for trust that is necessary to build the foundation of this D/s dynamic. I want to rely on what could be and move to that point, but without her willing to move out of the past, I must be careful.

I felt ashamed when she quoted a Mr. Fox entry regarding listening, trust and communication back to me. She has been on the HusDom and subMrs blogs, which is a good thing I think. To my knowledge, she has not created a log in, so only sees the public blog entries. I am hopeful she may take the next step. Yet, she said she does not feel it would be right since it is for people in a long term relationship/married and we will not be. Ouch. I did not respond to that remark. She also mentioned a timeline of progression into the d/s world and said I had “jumped to year 2 stuff.”

I was a bit baffled, but then realized I just started doing things, with no prior discussion or agreements. I took information from the past to construct some ideas that she would like. It’s not that she didn’t like what we did, but without the core of trust, she could not fully enjoy it.

She said she “tried” but doesn’t feel love, so it confirms her decision. But she wanted to try just to be sure. Tough pill to swallow. not sure I buy it completely, but understandable considering I was not very lovable for the past few years. And to complicate things, I am more in love with her than ever before. Totally sucks. but back to the real issues that others may learn from…some of my “take-a ways” from this experience:

1) Stay in the moment and stay on plan (mostly)
— What I mean by that is that the first night went well b/c I had a general plan of using only toys so I could stay focused on her. She said she felt I was in control and had limits and was not pushing. however, I let my success get to my head (both of them) and wanted more the next day and the next. It’s not that it was wrong per se, just not right for the place where we are. Case of leaving her wanting more versus going for more.
— I could blame the fact that it had been 10 months, or that I was desperate for the connection… Any physical connection with her… And neither of those things are Dom like. neither of those excuses (by definition) are not Dom like. I think it is a point for us all to remember–regardless of what we have going on personally and in our own heads, our objective needs to be about the care and safety of our significant other. Regardless, I stopped listening to her and made the mistake of looking at me and my wants at the expense of hers.
— Stay in the moment is important b/c had I done that versus thinking the one night or two could impact the rest of the divorce dicision or change her mind was an unrealistic expectation. I thought I did not have that expectation… Told myself I didn’t, but as the days unfolded and as she was more into it, I let the d/s become more of a magic bullet versus a compliment to our rebuilding process.

2) Downtime is downtime and generally should not lead to another session or it may be seen as not listening to sub if there were concerns. For instance, after she was upset while cleaning house naked with plug in (enjoyed it at start, but thought to much and got emotional), I went into downtime. Yet I failed to completely shut me down. So then I suggested a shower. I also said I was disappointed the cleaning wasn’t finished and she needed a spanking for that first….again, misapplication of the things I have read on here. off plan and indicative of a punsishment. She agreed and we tried the crop for a few swats…and she liked it… Really was a furnish meant in my mind, but I did not ever explain that to her. Moreover, in the shower I directed her cleaning of me and I washed her with ocaisional pinning against the wall and kisses.
–again, this was too much when she had just said that she needed space and was not comfortable emotionally with this. I was once again putting my needs over hers. And even if my intentions were good, to get through the wall and have a more physical connection so that we might get closer, the timing was poor—it cannot necessarily be on my timeline. And If I were truly comfortable with myself and our relationship, I would not feel the need to push. In actuality, I was way more Domineering instead of dominant.

3) and maybe this should be #1…Communicate what is in my head. I had been reading all this dominant stuff… I had an idea of where I wanted us to go… And I knew it was different that what she wants in the relationship (as in no relationship). rather than really talk about this before getting into it, I just went for it. with only explaining she was in control, here are safe words, etc. That she could trust me in this. I saw how much she liked the idea of a collar and put it on, without ever explaining what it meant. that in my mind, it’s not just a cool device used in Bdsm sex play, but more of a symbol…more of a green light for me to proceed. And when she began to weaken I went in for the kill…not that I regret that, but I did not need to rush. I think if I am honest, there was a fear that if we talked it out too much, there would be too much thinking and nothing would happen.
–Moreover as the days progressed, I was continuing to try and up the intensity…by more stolen kisses and grabs while packing… Taking moments alone together. All good things and even great things in a healthy relationship, and even trying to reconnect if both are in agreement. however, I was acting in a position of weakness/desparation instead of the confident, calm, strong and dominant manner.

4) I love this… I have no doubt I can achieve the Dominant dynamic I have been looking for. However, it will take work… A lot of it…more than I originally thought. And that’s okay. I don’t have to have it all down today. that was another mistake I believe. I tried to cram so much so fast, without any consistent and practical application, I failed to understand that under the intensity of a scene or as emotions start pounding you, the theoretical may be misapplied. This is much like learning an emergency checklist in flying… the first part is to open to the checklist! But you still have to have it memorized cold so that you are thinking correctly in times of stress. And let’s face it, intimate relationships can be very stressful. And if you don’t have the right mindset, you may make the situation worse. So, with continued practice and evaluation, I will get better. I feel I have and can use these lessons for the future.

5) See it from her perspective— I have come to realize that divorce is just a term and may actually be needed for her to put our old relationship behind us and see what the future holds. I person lay think it sucks and is a bit drastic, but I am not in her shoes– So as it applies to the D/s relationship, I feel it is important to constantly try and see it from her Sub Eyes. Understanding that she sees the world differently, that actions don’t necessarily convey the intent if from own perspective, that her needs must be met first and foremost (and in this order I think-emotional, psychological, physical and spiritual). the interesting thing is that Safety and Security permeates all of those areas.

6) Truly be willing to take 1 step forward and 2 back
–especially early on. that’s where the consistency comes in. Not let set backs actually set you back and deter from the mission. this is even more paramount in my situation. Trust building is not built overnight…so I must REALLY be willing to walk the long road or it will come off as manipulation and pressure–domineering. I must be willing to TRUST that this will work out..not just trust her, but trust myself and the process and the possibility of the dynamic…trust that our family’s importance can win out… Trust that me being here if she needs me (help with kids, etc) is a crucial step… And that I must be willing to step away so that she is in a place of need. Rather than me needing/wanting her and the kids(which I do).

So in summary, what war rages on, with a mix of battle results… And sometimes even when you win, you may lose. I still appreciate all the support and guidance from here. This has meant so much to me and my personal growth.

with determination and domination ;),
LDD

[Unknown Member]

What in the world possessed you to have her clean naked and with a plug in? She is right. That is behavior for a year or three down the road.

And then to punish her? I don’t mean to bust your balls but damn dude everyone here has been telling you to go slow and all that. WTF?

My advice which is worth exactly what you are paying for it, namely zero, is to back your truck up. Apologies to her for going so fast and see where that gets you. If she’s adamant about a divorce, them gracefully give it to her. You admitted you are the cause of all this. Time to take your medicine.

You can still be a strong man and you said it, the divorce might be needed before you get another chance if any.

I don’t mean to be harsh but someone needs to level with you and not blow smoke up your butt.

In your desperation, you have shot gunned every thing you’ve read on this site and others and there is no wonder she’s confused. Back the truck up, give her what she wants at this point. Earn her respect. But fall on your sword and admit that you are the cause and you did all this. Would take it all back but can’t. Then continue to be a better man and maybe she wants what you have at SOME point down the line. Take it slow.

Be prepared to find a new woman and get a fresh start. There are a huge number of women in their 30’s that would love a DOM that is respectful and trust worthy.

Imagine a fresh start. It might be the best path at some point. Some hurts can’t be undone. No matter what.

[lawdogdom]

Tex, she was already cleaning…house was empty, I asked/told her about it, but yeah way too fast, even if she liked it and agreed to it. I misread a few things. And I know she would like this, but without the foundation it was fing stupid. Don’t worry about busting my balls. Done it enough myself. I handled this new found sense of power/control very poorly. It was more of a rush than I was prepared for. I felt more alive in those days than almost at any point in the marriage. Moreover, when I was acting like this, I was getting a response from her, and that was like water to a man in the desert…if only a mirage.

[steps]

LawdogDom, I’m sorry to hear of your difficulties, but yes, waaaaaay too fast. Sounds kind of like may pace in the beginning, though maybe even faster, and in a much more delicate and fragile relationship environment.

Here’s the thing. Being Dom, to me, is at least as much about knowing when to back off and giver her that space you mentioned, than it is knowing when to push forward with the next kinky sex act.

Hopefully, there was something in all of this that resonates with her, and you can find a way to turn it around, let her know that you messed up, and tell her how the actions you are now planning reflect what you have learned. Best of luck.

Ok, one last thing though. I can count on maybe five hands all the kinky things you mentioned in your writing. One. Just do one. If you do not drastically simplify, it sounds like you really run the risk of completely overwhelming her. The whole dream you now have could very realistically crumble into nothing if you don’t take it slow. And slow means, to me, literally, one thing. That was the advice of Mr. Fox, Sir, DOM and many others to me when I first came to this site. One thing at a time.

[husdom]

Mr

I can count on maybe five hands all the kinky things you mentioned in your writing. One. Just do one. If you do not drastically simplify, it sounds like you really run the risk of completely overwhelming her.

Great advice and worth repeating…

Best wishes,

Mr Fox

[Unknown Member]

When you finally part ways, you can possibly leave the collar with her and tell her you hope she brings it back someday and asks you to put it on her. Until then, you keep being a better you. It’s the only thing 100% in your control.