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2nd time giving it a go, I have to get it right this time
I already posted this but it seemed to have disappeared
Two years ago my wife told me she wanted to have a BDSM dom/sub relationship with me. We gave it a go and after 5 or 6 weeks she dropped the idea like a bad habit.
Fast forward to last Saturday, she told me she wants to open up the marriage so she can be with an experienced dom. It killed me, didnt eat or sleep for the whole week. Last night she finally said it doesn’t have to happen because she couldn’t bare seeing me like that(or the stress it was causing her).
I told her we can try it again but shes like no it was awkward and not enjoyable with me. I was a new dom and she a new sub so there was a lot of learning. I failed in not researching and just jumping into because i have already seebi done a lot wrong and that’s on me. She said she will wait until I’m ready so she can get want she wants but I feel if I start getting this right I can be the dom she wants. Our marriage overall is A+ and sex is great, I’m rough like she likes it but just having kinky sex isnt enough. She needs me to take full control and understand how to punish
I just need to get this dom thing down packed soni can be her complete package.
If I fuck it up again I think I’ll have no choice but to give in because this a side of her that she needs and she will never truly be happy with out
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9 Replies
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Remember that communication is key, there is a middle ground somewhere. Maybe instead of having her get D/s fulfilled elsewhere have her show you how she wants to be punished, I’m about 100% sure there is a porn vid of what she wants. One of the issues I ran into was with punishments and funishments, my thrall loves the paddle. Earlier today she broke one of my rules and said she broke it because she wanted the paddle to be used. Later tonight when I get to fulfill the punishment once my son is asleep will she get the paddle? Yes but not before she gets the whip as her punishment. Another great tool that I personally love is the wireless remote vibrator. At home I get relentless with it and break her mentality with a flood of Os to the point where she barely can think about anything but me, so when she wears it out on the town (normally on our date nights) I can give her a quick reminder of what I’m capable of doing to her.
Most of my strongest Dom moves are not even in the bedroom because for the longest when I was single I was more of a sub than a Dom in most relationships, and I still occasionally mess stuff up in the bedroom, I’m roughly 3 or 4 months into D/s-M (time frames are horrible with everything going on and the fun we get to have). And I can honestly say if it wasn’t for communication I wouldn’t have made it this far, from becoming a Dom and finding out what my thrall wants.
And one of the rules I made is if I notice if my thrall gets a dirty thought she has to tell me if I ask with no hesitation, I do the same for but I normally don’t tell her I just wait till the opportunity to show her, but she know that I had a thought/idea and just the anticipation of knowing something will happen that she doesn’t know helps a lot keeping her in her subspace. And sorry if I get confusing I tend to type as I think so I can easily give mixed signals and get people confused.
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Glad to have you back uforider, we are all always learning in this journey. As far as you taking control that is what we here over and over again here at husDOM. But what that looks like in each dynamic differs. Like Viking said in a previous post, communication is key. Good open communication, no-holds barred if that makes sense. You need to know exactly what she is looking for from you, at the same time she will want to know what your expectations are for her. This will be work my friend, but the reward is indescribable. Use this site as a resource, if you are not a premium member consider it. We have more discussions and open forum to ask questions outside of typing chats. If you have questions post them on chat, I know without a doubt other Doms including myself here at husDOM will respond. Good luck and hope to see you around.
Best regards, Sir Ed
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I will always reply in chat in a timely manner, and if we’re both online at the same time I’m happy to answer questions.
I know just starting this dynamic can be tough, but starting it with an ultimatum clock in your head has to be even harder.
As Ed said, think of us as a resource. But like all resources, remember: some of what you find here will be useless for your particular situation.
Be discriminating, but don’t exclude things without conscious thought. Don’t throw something away because you “assume” that you, or your wife, will not find it fulfilling or enjoy it.
You may be extremely surprised with yourself and with her on what is needed in your relationship.
Explore, enjoy, work your butt off. And most importantly, sit down with her. Ask her AND LISTEN TO HER ANSWERS to the question “what is it about an experienced Dom that you want/need in your life”. Get that answer. Ask more questions to nail down specific avenues of her thought. Get the picture of what her “dream” Christian-grey-millionaire-hunk-weekend-warrior-Dom looks like, and then deconstruct in your own head what you can do to change and grow to “mostly” fill that role for her.
Obviously the helicopters and $18,000 worth of sex toys in a secret locked room are probably not realistic… remind her that movies aren’t real life.
But on that same topic, also express to her and remind her that once upon a time, you WERE that man to her. When she put on your ring, you were her knight in shining armour.
Now tell her how you’re going to grow and change to fill the void she thinks is growing there.
And COMMIT! Actually frigging work on changing yourself! If she sees you slacking then you’ve lost her trust for a long time. Ass out, nose to the grindstone, ball busting work. Every day.
But it’s possible, and as Ed said, the rewards far exceed the output.
Good luck sir.
We are always here.
Cheers
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Welcome to husDOM. I hope that this time is going well so far. I would echo what said in that our role as Dominant requires a lot of work and investment. We need to be consistent and be men of our words. While their submission doesn’t need to be predicated on our ability to be respected and obeyed, truly being worthy of it makes it so much easier and more fulfilling for both involved.
Dominance doesn’t have to be over the top flashy, start slow and follow through with your commitments. Would enjoy getting to chat sometime.
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I want to thank you all for your advice and words of encouragement. After 3 days of her trying this with me she is very happy and her need to be dominated is being fulfilled. Of course I’m far from being that experienced dom she said she wants but her love for me is making her willing to give me the time I needed. I will continue to learn and get better in this new role I am in.
We figured out that my wife’s sub style is that of a brat(not very surprised lol) and the dom style she seems to want is that of a daddy and that kind of dom seems to be a really fit for me as well. She is sleeping today because she is so very sore and have busies in all the right spots (her words). I ask if I went to far and so said no, it was perfect.
I also think after 3 failed attempts at trying to find a dom she realized that there is a lot of fakes and abusers out there. The 1st dom she was talking to was very verbally abusive and wanted her to do things that was very unhealthy for her physically and mentally as well wouldn’t hold well for our marriage.
The 2and dom was this creep that refused to send a picture of his face and said when they do eventually meet it will be under his terms and will be a rape roleplay. She asked if she can have a friend nearby for safety reasons and he said no unless the friend is joining.
The 3rd dom (old friend/ex bf i.talked about in OP) started to get holes in his story and a lot of red flags started to show. He was trying to not only have dominance over her but over me as well. He was getting very manipulative, was gaslighting her and getting mad at her because I was still uncomfortable with this whole situation. He even got mad when my wife and I agreed that before anything sexual happens between them she will need to be fix. I will be damned if she brought home his or any other man’s baby. He told her that was not acceptable and my wife started to remember how in highschool he wanted to have a baby with her and she thinking he still does. Especially since his wife cant have kids, so he is childless and he confessed to her that he has an emptiness because of that.
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At the end of the day, you are the man she chose to spend her life with.
Throw away the rest. That’s the bottom line.
Now it’s your job to look after that Most Prized Possession in the way that she needs.
Step up Dad. You’ve got this. Look after that Little Girl.
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uforider,
Welcome aboard,
I have to say that I am extremely proud of everything that everyone has said on this thread. It truly makes me smile to see such a great group of Dominants that understand what it means to be Dominant. I may read it again just because…
The one thing that stands out to me that was not addressed was this…
If I fuck it up again I think I’ll have no choice but to give in because this a side of her that she needs and she will never truly be happy with out
Every relationship is different and I am not going to make any judgments of anyone else and the choices they make. I have not walked a single step in their shoes and have no idea what their life is like. I can assure you that the arrangement would not work for myself. Every single person on the planet has some skin in the game and therefore nothing is black or white, we all have something to lose. Make no mistake that exactly where we are today is from the choices that you have made, a lifetime of choices. For someone to say that they do not have a choice, is simply a cop-out, a lack of ownership regarding their decision.
However, when I read your comment I read it the same as someone saying that they will ‘try’ to do something. The word try is not a commitment. In fact, it is the exact opposite. It is a predetermined excuse of not committing to accomplishing whatever it is that they are talking about. If you were going to commit to something and give it your all you would say, I am going to do this or I am going to do that.
Next, successful people visualize their success. Visualization is a huge part of driving oneself to succeed. We all know this and have probably heard it hundreds of times in our lifetime. Conner McGregor has spoken a lot of his visualization techniques and how he has always seen himself wearing the championship belt or as the winner of each of his fights. Personally, I am a huge believer that we program our minds. Have any doubt regarding the outcome and it is almost a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Finally, all of the visualization and self-belief in the world means nothing if there’s no action.
I applaud you for stepping up to the plate to take a swing.
Now commit to yourself and tell others around you, creating accountability on your part, that you are going to be successful. Be specific about what success looks like to you. Really put some thought into this and think about what success as a Dominant husband looks like to you. You will find it much easier when you know what it looks like. Finally, begin to envision you basking in your success.
Best wishes
Mr. Fox
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You are completely right in that opinion. In my defense I was in a very bad place mentally. My world was crashing because I thought I was losing my wife and to be 100% honest she was in fact cheating. Yeah, it was physical but it was definitely emotional. She started to talk to other men before talking to me first and sent pictures of herself and have sexual talks with these guys. I was hurt and afraid and felt like I was backed in a corner.
When she finally decided to move past this idea, it was not so much she felt it was wrong but because she didnt want to risk our marriage (I know this is something she still wants). So we have been doing this dom/sub thing for the last few days to great success so far. I’m continuing to learn everyday and I know where my shortcomings are and actively working to fix them. She has been happy, very happy and our sex life is at the best it ever been. Shit, I made her orgasm last night with out even touching her pussy/clit which was first for us both.
I do not plan to fail and I make sure I talk to her to make sure so nothing is left unsaid. I also find myself enjoying the dom role more than I expected which is making to lifestyle change much more easier.
I think my only real hangup is how much of a pain whore my wife is and how intense her rape fantasies are(she is really into CNC). She just seems to want me to go further each time. I haven’t felt pushed pass my comfortability yet but I have a feeling I will reach it before she does.
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I haven’t felt pushed pass my comfortability yet but I have a feeling I will reach it before
Experience tells me that you are probably right. Lol
Best wishes
Mr Fox
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