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Hello from mj:
Hello everyone,
I am a new member and thought I’d post here to get started. My wife and I have been happily married for 11+ yrs, I am the kinky one and my wife is mostly vanilla. I am actually mostly submissive in nature but my wife, who has been listening to a podcast quite a bit lately mentioned to me that she recently realized that we are both submissive in the bedroom. Part of this conversation lead to the admission that she wants to be dominated too. Which lead me here!I am looking to learn how to be a better Dom to her but also keep it loving, sensual and within her boundaries. Over the course of the last week she also said she wants to keep our D/s relationship in the bedroom. For example: She recently cleaned the car and the inside of our windshield BUT she left lots of streaks which were very obvious when driving at night. I let her know that she didn’t do a good job, that I was disappointed and she should re-do the job correctly. But this kind of scene doesn’t really work for her, she was exposed to some abuse as a child and it triggers her to be dominated in this way.
So, I’m curious, if anyone has similar situation with a vanilla wife who wants to be dominated in the bedroom only? Any advice or D/s scenes you can share to get my mind flowing in the right direction would be greatly appreciated.
Cheers,
mj -
5 Replies
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Welcome to husDOM. Can you clarify, your name infers a switch but your post looks like you are wanting to grow to become a good Dom for your wife?
I was very passive prior to D/s-M and just deferred to what my wife wanted having bought into “Happy Wife, Happy Life” but found that was driving my wife insane (and leave me frustrated and confused often).
I look forward to hearing more about your dynamic.
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Hi Sir OTW:
I have many fantasies about being dominated but my wife really isn’t into the things I am. She has tried but really struggled to make it happen. I like to play often but she has a much lower appetite for sexual play. Her Dom play was few and far between and didn’t really meet either of our needs.
I have made a commitment to be more dominant for her and yes, I think I have the ability to make this work. I guess my initial struggle is to keep it slow and find ways to entice her without going too far or too fast.
So for now I’m in transition from s to D and am planning to keep this going for a while. She knows I like being her sub too and she is trying to honoring that from time to time. We’ll have to see how compatible the switching is.My main issue now is providing a D/s scene(s) for her that don’t stray far from the bedroom. How do I set that up in advance and create anticipation without constantly talking about it?
Thanks,
mj -
I would encourage you and your wife to explore and find what works for you. My minx and I are D/s full time in and out of the bedroom, but there are still times I enjoy her to have a night to be the top and she enjoys it on occasion. In general, I want to initiate, plan, and lead, in and out of the bedroom.
For us this works, I never slip out of my mindset as the leader of our marriage. For her, even when she requests and/or I give her a chance to play, because she is so submissive, she gets guidelines from me and at any time she will follow any instructions I give her. In this way, she gets to have fun topping at times, and I get to enjoy and relax but she is never put in a position she not comfortable with as a submissive.
As to your question about keeping things in the bedroom, one thing we have done is used downtime as a weekly time to discuss sexual things as well as our dynamic. This means that minx, who is more responsive in her desires and tires talking about sex at times gets a break, and I know she will give her full attention during that time each week. That being said, since we are full-time D/s in and out of the bedroom, if something comes up either of us can call for downtime at any time and I will initiate play when, where, and I chose. For you it, may look more like scheduling D/s nights as a team and having some type of collaring ceremony that marks and ends the D/s time.
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Thanks Sir OTW, I appreciate the welcome and the advice. We are indeed scheduling D/s nights in advance, it’s early but it’s working so far.
My wife has some trauma due to an asshole abusive step-father that she probably will never be overcome completely. So, I err on the side of love and take it as it comes and when it works for both of us.One think my wife likes and has talked about over the years is me wearing a mask and pretending to be someone else. Not a scary mask, more like a masquerade type mask and take her. Have you or anyone else played with a scene like this? Any suggestions or advice? I’d love to know what went well or not so. I realize I can’t just strap on a mask and make everything awesome. I’m not a drama major so this isn’t natural for me…
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I would suggest that if that’s a fantasy of hers, that you start somewhere where a YOU will be comfortable.
For that reason, you shouldn’t wear a mask the first time you play like that.
SHE should wear a blindfold.
She can still imagine the same “stranger” scenario if she’s blindfolded. Your not hindered by a mask when your already well outside your wheelhouse, and absolutely most importantly, she won’t be able to SEE that you’re outside your wheelhouse.
If you are wearing a mask she will be totally focused on your face. What you’re doing. How you move. She will see and analyze everything and will instantly know that you are uncomfortable or nervous in your role. When you fumble with something, or your hand jerks to move her or her restraints. She will see those cues and pick up on them.
And they’re gonna happen! It’s your first time! Of course your gonna mess up your lines or fumble with your props. It’s all new to you.
Instead of being “on stage” in costume for her, put her in a blind fold. Make the stage inside her Mind. When you’re Inevitably fumbling around with something, it may just build anticipation because she doesn’t know what you’re doing.
You don’t have to talk to her in a way you’re not used to with her scrutinizing your face as you try to stammer out the words.
Blindfolds are an Amazing tool for someone new to this kind of play.
And I have said it many times before, fake it till you make it. Even if you feel awkward, if it’s something she loves, keep at it. Give it 3 or 4 times of fumbling through and you’ll start to own your “Persona”. I don’t ever feel like a bad actor anymore. My role is completely me. But that’s definitely not how it started. I was nervous and felt like an idiot saying things I’ve never said before. Now I’d feel awkward having quiet vanilla sex. Lol
Good luck sir
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