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New Member, Interested Dominant
Hello,
I’m a new member. My wife and I have been married for 18 years. Two kids. Most of our time in the bedroom has been extremely vanilla to the point of…..not dull, but kind of “wrote”. In the last year or so we’ve started exploring a little with D/s play in the bedroom, but we haven’t talked about it, it’s just kind of happened “in the moment”. I’m planning on talking to her in the coming weeks about doing in more often, and would appreciate any support and advice.
Thanks!
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7 Replies
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Sir Hubris
Hello and welcome. I am glad to hear you plan to communicate with your wife and express your desires. I also initiated this lifestyle with my own wife. These conversations can be difficult at times, especially in the beginning. Please feel free to reach out if you have any questions.
Sir Bee
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yeah, can I ask how you approached the subject with your wife? how did she respond? I know that’s personal so if you don’t want to answer I understand, but I really have no idea how this is going to to. By her own admission, my wife just doesn’t think about sex very often. It’s just not on her radar. Not that we don’t have it, but 95% of the time I have to initiate it and sometimes it takes me multiple tries over the course of a few days to initiate it and when I do I feel like she’s making love to me because I somehow wore her down. That’s probably mostly in my head, but that’s how it is. I think this is a good step for us. When we’ve played she’s responded really well to it, but I want to know that SHE wants it too. That she’s not just doing it because of me.
Anyway, we have a day coming up where she and I will both be off from work and the kids will be both be in school. I was planning on pampering her a bit through the morning (make her breakfast, pour her a bubble bath, massage at a local spa and take her out to lunch) and then later snuggling up and discussing it in the afternoon. We’ve talked about the day already. She’s knows the morning I have planned for her. And she knows the conversation I want to have in the afternoon. The month in between is to give us both time to do our homework (that’s how I ended up here) and make sure we’ve really thought about it. So she knows this conversation is coming. I honestly don’t know wether she’ll give it any thought or do any homework, but also feel like if she were really opposed, she would have said something by now. Still, I worry how this is going to go. Just in my nature I guess.-
I only had a moment to read part of this. Much of it sounds familiar though. I will do my best to get back to you later when I have the proper time to review your questions.
Sir Bee
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I would like to say I agree completely with Sir Hermosa and Sir OTW’s excellent responses.
To add a few thoughts of own, from my own experiences…
I think it is good that she has an idea ahead of time the topic you plan to discuss. Giving her time to process is always a good place to start. When the time comes to have the conversation, your job is to listen. Sure, express and explain what you need to and then listen. No matter her reaction, positive or negative. Whether she comes prepared or not, listen. As Sir OTW stated, her submission is a gift, it can only be given. As you enter into these conversations open honest communication and trust will be paramount. Hear her responses, listen to understand and trust in her. She will tell you everything you need to know.
Sir Bee
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Welcome sir.
No matter how awkward, frustrating, upsetting, or worrying it is, open and honest communication will help every relationship. Always.
Take your time and let her know how you feel. Listen to her thoughts in return. Don’t try to solve Any of her issues. Just process what she is trying to say.
No ego. No guilt. Don’t take anything she says as an attack, and don’t defend yourself. Don’t try and twist her words to trap her. (All errors I have personally made) Just openly and honestly listen.
Find out what her NEEDS are. Describe your NEEDS to her. Not your desires, but actual deep needs. Find a way to align your needs with hers, and after that you can build up to incorporating your desires and hers into the relationships. Needs have to be met first or everything else will fall apart sir.
Good luck. This is a super hard step to take. We always hold back so much of ourselves from each other. Trust her to listen to what your saying, and make sure to get her to repeat what she thinks you have said and make corrections. Her frame of reference is different than yours and she can easily misunderstand something you thought you had said plainly.
Likewise when you listen to her do it actively. Hear what she says. Repeat it back to her in your own words to make sure you got it right “so it sounds like your saying [this]”. And she’ll probably tell you your wrong and say something back. Keep doing that till you ACTUALLY understand what she INTENDED you to hear. Not just the words coming out of her mouth.
Praying not for success, but for honesty and connecting with her at a new level.
Cheers sir
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Welcome to husDOM Sir Hubris,
I would echo what the others have said, start this with open, ongoing communication. Her submission is a gift she can give to you, if you try to manipulate, or slide into D/s-M the likelihood is you will have additional heartache and hurt and instead of the dominance you would like to have, you could instead be domineering or implementing some form of tyranny.
My favorite outcome of having started down this road a year ago is the deep an open communication that my minx and I have now that we had only scratched the surface of prior to this in our marriage….and we thought we had great communication.
Looking forward to getting to meet you in chat and hearing and learning from your journey.
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thanks everyone. the advice is all greatly appreciated. Nice to meet all of you. I’ll check in where and when I can. Nice meeting all of you and I look forward to getting to know all of you more.
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