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Farewell
Hi All,
I am very sad to say that I will be not continuing with our D/s relationship and for the long term I haven’t yet worked out what it means for our marriage.
I gave D/s a shot for 3 years now, although for the last year I have parked it to give S some space and to figure what her part in it is. When we talk about it, she wants it, yet it doesn’t turn into reality, and it is only when the threat of losing it becomes real that she becomes present for a short time. Typically less than 8 hours. Her complete passivity in the submissive role results in leaving me on uncertain ground and it is no way to continue.
I am under no illusions about this particular reality; the outcome is the result of what I have put in and the many mistakes I have made along the way. I take full responsibility for my failure in missing the mark in becoming the Dominant that I envisioned that I could be. The essence of me is dominant, however my inexperience and the nature of my partner has left me with no path to follow.
I am going away to lick my wounds. I wish you all the very best and extend my gratitude to those that have given my support through husdom over the last few years. I did learn some aspects to pay more attention to through the guidance of the more experienced folk here.
I’ll check for messages in a week or so, then delete my account.
Thanks again and good luck to every one.lostone
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5 Replies
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I don’t think I had the chance to meet you, but I am sorry to hear your D/s relationship is at the least on hold. I do hope that your marriage will not be affected and you and your wife can find a way to thrive in your roles.
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Hello lostone,
Im sorry to hear you are having problems. This is not uncommon for any of us. We all have our struggles some seem more prominent then others. I wonder what are you doing to help the situation? How are you leading your dynamic? You said “When we talk about it, she wants it, yet it doesn’t turn into reality, and it is only when the threat of losing it becomes real that she becomes present for a short time.” Is this because of every day life and you are both busy or because she feels your not leaving up to your end? Its easy to say if she was more submissive i could be a better dominant. But in truth we are responsible for setting the stage for them to feel the can let go and feel free to give themselves to us. “the outcome is the result of what I have put in and the many mistakes I have made along the way.” Admitting you have made mistakes is not a failure. Its only failure when do not learn from those mistakes and correct them. To me leadership is not about making all the right decisions and having all the answers. Its about making decisions knowing Im responsible for them especially when Im wrong. “I take full responsibility for my failure in missing the mark in becoming the Dominant that I envisioned that I could be. The essence of me is dominant, however my inexperience and the nature of my partner has left me with no path to follow.” I recently learned from a good friend that the path we need to follow is the one that builds us up. The one that makes us a better version of ourselves regardless of who is follow us. It is a path if self development and learning. We are always learning, always the students. I hope that you can find time to join in on chats and talk with the fine doms and dommes in this community. I believe it could be beneficial to you. I wish you the best in your journey sir.
Dominus -
lostone,
I find myself wishing I got to know you better…unfortunately, I do not think we ever met. I understand that this lifestyle is not for everyone, but before you make that decision, think about a few things.A couple of years ago, my V and I went through a pretty rough patch where I found myself wondering if we should give up, push through it or just start all over. The biggest mistake I made was that I gave her “space” to figure things out. She felt alone and in many ways, she was. I should have been there…not with a heavy hand, but with support, talking about it and more importantly, listening and learning.
So with that said, I want to ask:
How active have you been in this community? I believe that those who are more active, and not just a member, have a greater chance of success.
Is she active on submrs?
Is your foundation strong? Is your foundation even started?
Are you consistent?
Do you REALLY want to go away, give up and lick your wounds…or is it time to Dom up?Best of luck,
Mr. Cain -
Alright,
I won’t delete my account. That was written in immense pain and I am still on the verge.
I don’t wish for S to be more submissive, I want congruence between words and, if not actions, then at least intentions. This is the source of deep frustration for me, we cannot grow together if only one of us is showing up and attempting to grow and the other is passive and constantly distracted by trivial matters. This isn’t a judgement on what is trivial, when you ask a partner to wake up and show up because a relationship is on the line and the trivial matter is e.g. a every moment spent on a phone game, the contrast is very clear to see. There are other behaviours that I can predict almost to the minute in certain situations. I will accept that the criticism that the very prediction could itself be a problem, but I will have to give you assurance that I am very practised at simply observing and not sowing seeds of negativity and self sabotage. I have done that enough and learned those lessons.
Once I confront the contrast, then it easily perceived as pressure or condescension, and all possibility of resolution is gone in the moment, leaving distrust and resentment if these feelings are allowed to manifest. I wish for her to see that passivity will lead to ruination. I’ll just be a domineering fool and that is not the goal, and I won’t allow myself to become that way!
I am still at the point of withdrawing from my role of D. I have told her as much and asked her what she would like done with the collar. All very passive aggressive, but it is very difficult to turn the light of realisation on inside her; the consequence needs to be spelled out clearly. I have been patient and been a pleaser in a previous marriage. I have made a similar error in this one. She has asked for time, patience, tenderness and romance, and for the second time I have provided those things willingly and blindly believing that promises would be fulfilled. Until this moment, D/s is not being pushed or mentioned.
I have finally realised that it is not the duty of a spouse to fulfil any aspect of my desire, big or small. Whether and to what degree we meet in the middle on the path between light and dark defines our connection and depth of bond. I believe her traumas keeps her out of her darkness altogether, and my own darkness makes her very uncomfortable. She is utterly devoted to me, and I am very mindful of that. I have had the feeling at times that she is unknowingly in wait for me to find my way, and it is my faith that is in question, and not her presence.
So those were my words to her. Not a demand to be more submissive, or submissive at all. “Wake up and show up”. It’s not an ultimatum, if she had told me to walk yesterday I would have done. It is a firm message that I understand were my accountability ends and hers begins.Have I been active on this community? No. Not enough, you have called me out on that.
She joined submrs on my request, and has not been active at all as far as I am aware.
Is our foundation as a couple strong? Yes, yet it can be so much more. Is our foundation in D/s strong? I believe we have to start again, if we do.
Am I consistent? No, I have not been. More so now. Very much more consistent, active and conscious outside our relationship.
It is time to Dom up! Does a Dom ultimately need a sub? I am pretty sure that mastering the art of being a Dom does not strictly require a sub. It is a way of being and I do conduct myself better as a Dom in day to day life. However the context here is one of companionship.I am very grateful for the generous spirit in your replies.
lostone
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“Is our foundation as a couple strong? Yes, yet it can be so much more”
These are amazingly encouraging words sir.
No matter the end game, I pray that this is what you strive for each day. Making that relationship stronger each moment.
What comes is predicated by both of you, and the choices that you each make, but knowing and striving for something better, even if you can’t define the solution completely, is 90% of the journey and battle.
I wish you luck sir, and I want you to know that our chat this afternoon was what I needed. I was kicking myself in the ass as much as hopefully giving some advice.
Thank you for your help Sir.
After our chat today, I for one know that you will be a boon to this community.
Cheers
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