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DC-Fox's Introductory Thoughts and Considerations
Greetings,
I am mostly new to this lifestyle. I am male, 38, from the Vegas area. I have come here to try to learn the mindset that is needed for a Dom to properly meet the needs of a submissive. My wife of 10 years now has always been into these things that for now I’ll describe as things of a darker nature. In the beginning I didn’t understand very much at all, but the way she gets heated up over d/s occurrences cannot be ignored. we have currently tried a multitude of things, all of which she most certainly enjoys, but I would like to progress into more of a d/s relationship when in the bedroom and perhaps in other places.’
To begin,
We are married (10 years married, 12 years a couple)
We have 4 children all 10 years of age and younger.
I work a 8-10 hour w day job while she raises our children and takes care of our home.
We are each other’s best friend. We both strive to make each other happy.
I am the kind of person who will go way out of his way just to please her. I am a fairly well balanced person when it comes to the ebb and flow of a relationship. She is without a doubt the most important creature in my world, and I hope that I am in hers as well.About her:
She had a rough childhood growing up. She was often neglected or treated with no loving embrace during her raising and as such is often withdrawn when it comes to her real feelings but we’ve finally been making progress when situations of emotion occur within her or between us for that matter. Regardless she is a wonderful being who requires a ton of love and embrace to make her happy.
That all being said, when I met her she was also into mostly heavy and death metal genres. Wore a lot of black / metal clothing and had a “fuck life” sort of personality. Together we’ve fixed that aspect of Her perception. She wears wonderful things, beautiful clothes, listens to all types of music and is mostly happy but is still missing when something within her life.She likes for me to decide everything that we are going to do. Whether it’s what tv show we watch, what restaurant we’re going to, what clothes for her to wear when we go out, if her hair is pretty, if her nails look pretty, which shoes to wear or boots, then which boots, are you sure you want me to wear these boot? You don’t think the others are more pretty? What board game should we play? I might suggest a or b, she still forces me to pick a or b. She won’t choose anything.
Sometimes this is frustrating for me (so I can use perspective on this behavior) for several reasons: I work in a position where all I do is make decisions, soMetimes I worry that it’s a test and I’ll fail the test by not choosing correctly, other times I feel that she makes me choose because she feels that I’m not happy when she chooses. She doesn’t very well understand the concept of negotiation with things in life. For example, when going out to dinner I may say “why don’t you choose a place: and if she says Mexican for example, I’m inclined to say “well, I’m not really feeling Mexican tonight – can we go someplace else? Her response may be defeatist for some reas’on and she might then says- well you choose then.
I was raised in a world where you can openly communicate your perspectives on things like this but we often run into walls like this. The same situation occurs when choosing television programs, movies, games, events, what to do, and other things as well.Sometimes we have the same problems during sex.
For example, I have to initiate almost all sexual encounters and after 12 years you would hope the other person would start some of the encounters – and she does, about 3-5 in a year. Other than that it’s up to me to transition us into all sexual encounters. So sometimes we have difficulty here.
Our sex is 9 out of 10 times so mind blowing that it cannot be described. After 12 years we still have that “mind Blowing” sex.
So wrapping back around, I just want to make her happy.
Over the last year or 2 I’ve come to really understand that she desires to please when it comes to sex. Even though she doesn’t express that, there’s been several times lets just call it lately, where I’ve actually used her for my own pleasure and the orgasms that she had were beyond mind blowing. She actually wants to be “used.” A concept
To me that is foreign but certainly has now gotten the wheels turning in my mind Moreno than ever before.
She likes to be restrained. We have cuffs, we have leather wrist cuffs. She has a collar, which is the absolute hottest item of clothing in her arsenal to me. (Thus my selected image)
We have all kinds of sex toys. We have a several crops, small whips, cloggers. She loves these. I’ve figured out that you have to get her hot and going to use these on her. Then they drive her wild. We’ have a poorly cheap “wrap around the mattress” restraint system. It sucks. It’s not a real restraint system. I’. Looking for a way to build eyeholes, etc into our bed system that are “hidden” amongst other things.
She likes having choices taken away but she also likes to fight me on things.’
For example, when she gets horny sh’e starts taunting me with little quips from her mouth.
What should I do in situations like this?
She is bisexual and we’ve swung with a few couples in the past.
We
Pretty much like all things from mild to wild save bathroom activities.
She likes being choked.So I guess, I need to learn how to properly employ all manner of d/s lifestyle possibilities in our world for her – and at the same time over the last 5 -10 years it’s become an enjoyable fantasy for me as well.
I feel that perhaps what’s missing in her life is some level of consistence with this lifestyle. She loves it. She loves to serve, she’s committed to be my sub many times (consciously within our minds) and now I’m trying to really bring that fantasy to existence.
Where do I begin?
What have you learned from above and what advice And/or possibilities can you send my direction to make things move towards the direction that I think she and we need to be happier.
How do I manage this in such a way that she’s respectful to me in all things – not just when she’s restrained because I would prefer that she always treats me with respect – not just in the bedroom.Well, hope you’ve enjoyed my entrance letter.
-=DC-Fox=-
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7 Replies
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DC-Fox,
Welcome to husDOM!
I must admit, I am a little partial to the name…
You have crafted a very nice introduction offering a very thorough view of your current dynamic. In your last paragraph you requested some insight on where to begin. I would suggest that you may begin in the blog section and then progress on to the forums. The chat is a good place to ask questions and to develop camaraderie with other husDOM’s such as yourself.
Best wishes,
Mr Fox
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holy crap, you just told my story. For my wife and I, there has always been an underlying drive in her to act as a sub, even though neither of us realized it. I have always been like you and trying to please her. In the recent weeks, we have gotten some clarity on why our relationship was the way it was. I have been able to realize that by her asking me to decide on dinner (or anything else for that matter) is an opportunity for me to give her the chance to do something to please me, which is what pleases her. If I get upset (like the last 10 years have been) because I want her to choose what SHE wants for diner (me trying to give her what she wants) than I am actualy robbing her of the chance to please me (which is what she really wants). getting out of the “husband” mindset and thinking more like a dom has made our relationship stronger that it has ever been. For me the most important part is the “aftercare” conversations we have. They allow us to find where our boundrys are, and truly share ourselves on an intimate level I never knew existed.
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See, I haven’t seen it as a chance to please me until now.. I am always trying to please her. I will have to keep that in mind. Thank you.
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Welcome. Glad you found us.
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I agree with Mr. Fox. Head over to blogs and lets talk.
I will add a couple pillars that I have experienced with my sub and learning the lifestyle.
1. Her submission is about her. Help her grow. Help her know who she is. Uncover (not create) her sexual personality. Drive her habits.
2. She is likely very naturally submissive. So when you ask her to initiate or set up sex (or even pick a restaurant) it goes against her core. She wants you to. That is a tough one for me but I have learned.
3. Communicate communicate communicate – Sit down and have a peer to peer talk a couple times a month. Let it out, both of you. Safe, open, equals.
4. Keep going.Look forward to more.
Crius
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Hello DC-Fox,
I have seldom read such an on-point introduction. When we started our jounrey I found myself in a very similar situation.
Where to begin? First thing I did was informing myself about nearly all kinks and styles of D/S. Everyone has his unique dynamic. The more you read the more you have to pick from. I found it helpful to clarify my own needs and desires first. Building a masterplan. On that basis a discussion with your lady will get easier and more focused. Simply stick to matches with her ideas and drop the rest – at least in the beginning.
What do you need to know? Being dominant is work. Hard work. The more responsibilities you take, the more decisions you make the more work you will have. There is no way around. The work i am talking about is not deciding, but mainly the analysis if your decision was to her comfort or where and how to adjust. Giving her guidance in every decision she has to make will create trust in the dynamic which is essentially for her submission and your dominance to grow. Keep on doing that, whenever possible and make clear to her if you are not willing or capable to decide. A good dominant knows where his power ends.
All other aspects, protocols rituals and rules that are set up by most you will find on Your way of research. Be sure to stick to Your own and not to copy someone else. Try to do what you like and teach her to enjoy it.Be aware it will take time until you can answer the questions that may have arisen. It will take time to get used to a new lifestyle and one has to accept all implifications.
Enjoy you journey, a stairway to heaven
Best wishes
Peter -
I just to say thank you and much appreciated to everyone who has commented here and gotten something from what I have written.
The journey has most certainly begun and life is very different!-=DC=-
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