- January 30, 2019 at 3:43 pm #72262
So Little Peach and I had another argument this morning on one of the 3 same topics we argue about.
Last night I was extremely frustrated because I could tell that she didn’t want to have sex, but that there was absolutely no specific reason that I could understand that was causing her to feel that way.
This led me to being insecure of our dynamic. Do I tell her anyways? I can tell she isn’t in the mood so I need to protect and cherish her and respect her feelings? Shouldn’t she submit to me anyways if there isn’t a solid reason not to?
As we don’t have a 24/7 dynamic, it’s somewhere in limbo land of “more than bedroom” right now, and this grey area has been an issue for years.
There’s nights where I desperately want her, and don’t because of the vibes she’s putting off, and then am completely frustrated in the morning because of the “should have could have” game I’m playing in my mind, and am in a funk for the rest of the day.
However now with this dynamic in our lives it adds a whole new twist to the old argument.
I had an amazing talk on the chat with OTW, Dominus, Sly, Beastly, SirBee, and others this morning (apologies if I didn’t remember who else was chipping in! I appreciate your feedback even if I can’t specifically remember which members were in the scrum) and they definitely helped me with some direction.
First things first, narrows down when our agreement is in effect. Make sure it’s clear to get rid of the “Grey” areas.
Second, Safewords (Sly I love you for this) remember that safewords are not just for the rough stuff! It’s the trust she puts in me when she safewords that instantly gets my attention.
I’m going to attach an email I sent to Little Peach today. I’ve edited our names, but other than that this is the text I sent her.
She is busy at work, and probably will not be able to reply until later tonight (when I’m at work… sigh) and we won’t be able to physically sit down together to talk about this till Friday night at the earliest.
I would love if some of you with more experience could read this through and see if there’s any points I could include or improve for follow up convos with Little Peach.
Email to follow
- January 30, 2019 at 3:48 pm #72263
Dear Little Peach.
I feel terrible that I was arguing with you over the same points we always have. I had hoped that we had gotten past this, but I did not take you into consideration. Your feelings and mindset are just as much a part of you as your skin and hair.
I love you and cherish you.
I never want to hurt you, or upset you. You have given me my dominance over you. It is yours to give and yours to take away.
I think that my frustration in this is coming from our D/s agreement. You agreed to submit to me. For me to use you how I see fit. This led me to be frustrated that I couldn’t have you in the way we agreed, but I also understand that our agreement isn’t yet a 24/7 type of arrangement, and that our contract is a living document.
With us not having a clear guideline of when we are vanilla or when we are D/s it makes it very hard for me not to be frustrated when I felt like you threw away our arrangement. So with that being said I want to talk about some clear guidelines for both of us as to when our contract is truly in effect, and when it’s on “pause”.
Thinking of all that, I would like to change a section of our agreement. Here is the original:
D. I understand that, above all else, it is my duty to please Mr Hermosa and I promise I will endeavor to do so. I will speak respectfully and truthfully, conduct my tasks quickly and efficiently, and see to my Dominant’s every need. These needs may be social, sexual, or those that fall under service.
And here is what I propose we should have instead. I’m deliberately making the language clearer to state what I expect, and adding to the section to protect you.
D. I understand that, above all else, it is my duty to please Mr Hermosa and I promise I will endeavor to do so. I will speak respectfully and truthfully, conduct my tasks quickly and efficiently, and see to my Dominant’s every need. I am his to use anytime, anywhere, any way he would desire. If I cannot comply with Mr Hermosa’s instructions for any reason, I must use our safewords to inform Mr Hermosa that there is an issue he has not considered that will not allow me to serve his needs at that time, and we will discuss those issues.
I want you always. Every [edited for profanity] day 2x a day. That’s the way I am. That’s what you do to me just walking into a room.
I know there are times that you can’t. I will respect that. When I want you I will still tell you so. When I want to have you I will tell you to take off your clothes, and please me. However, if you feel that there is a reason that you cannot, you need to tell me.
I will NOT be frustrated if you tell me. I think I was so frustrated this morning not because we didn’t have sex, but because I didn’t know what our guidelines were for our new dynamic. You should be mine to have, but I need to look after your needs too…
You have GIVEN me your submission. You have GIVEN me dominance over you. It is yours to take back. I have to respect that and remember it.
We need to feed each other. We need to strengthen each other.
I will not again waffle over a decision of whether or not to tell you to [@&$!]. Period. If I want you I’m going to let you know. I have to trust you enough, and you have to know your body and mind well enough, to honestly answer me, either with a Yes Sir, or a safeword. I want you to submit to me always. Every time. I want you to take that into consideration, but if you can’t then you must safeword.
YOU always have the power in this relationship. That safeword will always have my attention. I do not want to hear you say “I don’t want to tonight” or “no I won’t” or rolls eyes. That is not being my submissive or living up to our contract. I want you to say “STOP. I can’t tonight sir”, or “that’s a LIMIT tonight Mr Hermosa. Just love me quickly and put me to sleep” (if you can’t play but are still able to please me) or “LIMIT, I’m exhausted Mr Hermosa. Please cum all over your wife’s tits tonight, they’re yours to use.”
I promise that that will instantly have my attention and obedience. I will not feel frustrated. I will not pout. I will listen and protect and cherish my Little Peach. I will trust that the only time you will use that is when you need to, and otherwise you would serve me how you have agreed. I will trust you that there are times when there are issues or concerns that I cannot appreciate, and that you cannot do what I’m asking.
I love you and respect you, and am still amazed every day by your submission.
Let me know what you think of this darling.
Your Dominant husband.
- January 30, 2019 at 4:22 pm #72264Mr. K sirModeratorPremium Content | Through the Eyes of a husDOM™
Correct me if I am wrong but what I am getting is the two of you went to bed, you wanted sex and she did not. You let her have her way and did not have sex then you were mad the next morning. Is this an accurate assumption?
From what you wrote here it sounds like you made a decision and weren’t happy so you are trying to place the blame on her because ” I could tell that she didn’t want to have sex “. This is just an excuse, you didn’t get your way (by your decision) so you want to pout and push the blame when you should Dom up and own it.
You are bedroom only right now so the vast majority of your dynamic is sexual, she has agreed to submit to you and you have safewords, so you need to let the system you put in place work, trust her to use her safewords.
Mr. K sir
- January 30, 2019 at 5:36 pm #72266
Youve got most of it Mr K.
However I may not have got across all of the dynamic here. With my convos with Little Peach today, she doesn’t feel fed or looked after with the idea of me having her at that time either. And before now she didn’t know to safeword at that point, and the language wasn’t clear enough in the contract. And she didn’t know when the contract was going to be enforced…
So a lot of contributing factors.
We’ll see how she responds to the email, I’ll see her in passing this evening as I get ready for work and she gets dinner on for the kids. She may comment then, Or may not. Not much time.
Time and open discourse. Just need to hammer this out. And yes, I appreciate that I need to Dom Up and deal with my issues as well, but we need to work together for something that is going to satisfy me, as well as feed her.
- January 30, 2019 at 9:02 pm #72268Sir BeeParticipantPremium Content | Through the Eyes of a husDOM™
There is a lot of information here so forgive me if I’ve missed something. Keep in mind this is my personal opinion from my very limited experience. For the most part I will have to agree with Mr. K. So…here are my thoughts.
1) If she has agreed to submit to you sexually and is withdrawing, excusing extenuating circumstances, I would have to look inward. In my limited experience I have found if my Mrs. is fed and fed well, she will go to great lengths to please me in any way she can.
2) In the case where you made a decision to not claim her. What ever the reason it was your decision and you MUST own it. Not owning these situations can damage trust. This is definitely a Dom up moment.
3) If any of this has not been clearly defined between the 2 of you, issues will arise. Again Dom up, own it, discuss it and adapt.
From what I gathered from your email to your Peach, you seem to be addressing the areas that I would personally look into. Best of luck to you Hermosa.
- January 30, 2019 at 9:14 pm #72269
1) If she has agreed to submit to you sexually and is withdrawing, excusing extenuating circumstances, I would have to look inward. In my limited experience I have found if my Mrs. is fed and fed well, she will go to great lengths to please me in any way she can.
This is the biggest issue I think. We need to establish when she IS submitting to me sexually. That’s a whole conversation right there I need to have with her.
As our dynamic is spreading into vanilla life more and more this has to be a topic of ongoing conversation so that expectations are known and met on both sides of the table.
Part of the reason I was so frustrated is that the night before all this happened, almost the exact same situation occurred, but I didn’t feel the same “not tonight” vibes, so I told her to submit, she did, and it was amazing and led to a different post of mine on here. She was WELL fed and I thought our dynamic was moving into new areas for sure, but then just the next night we take the familiar nose dive.
Thanks for the response. The kids are now in bed, and (though I’m at work) she will hopefully have the time to read, think, and respond to my email this evening.
- January 30, 2019 at 10:02 pm #72270Sir BeeParticipantPremium Content | Through the Eyes of a husDOM™
It sounds to me like you are on track and working through this. Reading your response led me to an additional thought. To be clear, I was not trying to make any assumptions on whether or not your Peach had been fed. Thinking about assumptions is what brought on my final thought though.
I have seen so many different answers here on how to and what feeds our subs. Keeping in mind what feeds them one day may not work the next. I believe that this is one area that we should never make assumptions on. Again, not intended to imply anything directly Sir Hermosa. Just food for thought.
I hope you get your response soon and best wishes.
- January 30, 2019 at 10:48 pm #72271
Ok Little Peach and I had a really good talk on my break at work tonight.
It appears that this stems from her cycle mostly, and that she can go from 60-0 quite quickly libido wise in the week before her period.
So taking that into consideration, and talking through everything, and me owning up to all of the issues that I have brought to this argument and my faults therein.
Was a good talk and we have some clarity on the grey areas now.
There will be some times during her cycle when she is off limits. They will occur suddenly, and she will not be able to serve me the way I’m used to at those times.
From now on I’m not going to be passive and worry about how she feels or try and assume I know her frame of mind at any given time. I’m going to Dom Up and ask for what’s mine whenever the @&$! I feel like it. Period.
If that’s something she cannot do, due to issues I can’t see or understand at the time, she will safeword, and submissively offer an alternative if she can, or STOP and ask for aftercare and rest.
She has told me tonight (which I did not know before) that she is more than happy on those nights for non-penetrative use of her, and knows that that will satisfy me as well.
Thank you guys for all the thoughts and the big chat this afternoon. I feel a huge weight off my chest, and hope to never ever have to have this argument/conversation with Little Peach again. This could be a big step forwards in our marriage just getting rid of this bone of contention we’ve been worrying for years.
Cheers, and here’s to good luck that this is a dead subject now.
- February 15, 2019 at 12:19 pm #72402
Ok so not a dead issue after all.
I’m extremely frustrated today because this situation sorta kinda came up again last night.
As many of you have been in chat lately and know, sickness has been ravaging my household. Little Peach has been sick for close to 5 weeks and running. (This is definitely the 4th weekend she is under the weather)
Last night I wanted her, let her know that, and she safeworded. Fine and dandy. Up to bed she goes, snuggles, tucked in, kisses, sleep.
This morning she is beside herself with grief? Sadness? Recrimination? Because she isn’t looking after my needs. That she couldn’t give what littlenof herself to me that she could last. Igor because she felt it wasn’t enough and wasn’t feeding me. That she is failing me and not giving me what I need. And that’s why she safeworded.
So again after a morning of complete frustration I’ve had a long chat with Little Peach about what safewords mean and when we need to use them.
I talked about assuming she knows what I’m thinking, and feeling, and that this time her assumptions were completely wrong, and have led to her feeling crappy and me feeling frustrated.
And of course I have to wait another 5 bloody hours till she’s home from work before I can take her upstairs, lock the bedroom doors, tell her to kneel for me, and cum all over her glorious tits and tell her that she is mine, pleases me oh so so very much, and that whatever I take from her is what I want, and need, and she needs to submit to me knowing I can trust her not to assume anything without asking me if she’s right.
Sorry for the vent. Needed to get that out.
So many steps forward and huge steps back. This illness in the house is killing us. She feels so horrible that I can’t take her. She feels that what she can give to me isn’t enough (so wrong there, no matter how ofeten I tell her) and then just shuts down and closes off from me and believes that nothing at all is better than what she can give to me.
Man I’m finding it so hard not to swear on here atm.
End rant before I say something I’ll regret.
- February 15, 2019 at 12:32 pm #72403
I understand that in the moment it looks like a big step back, but I see steps forward her. In the past, you would have just tried to guess where she was at and you would have been frustrated because you were assuming she wouldn’t want something. Instead you initiated, and she followed through on your negotiated plan, safe wording. It is understandable as well that she would be devastated this morning by that as she is likely as frustrated or more by her 4+ weeks of feeling this terribly. From what I read above she wants to please but is really having a hard time physically. Your plan of initiating something that doesn’t require as much sounds like a good idea. She may have been feeling off enough last night that offering the alternative never even crossed her mind.
Everything else you have described this past week or so describes a wife who is pleased to be collared and wants to be submissive for you. Be encouraged and build off that.
- February 15, 2019 at 12:41 pm #72404
Thanks again for responding OTW, and spot on again.
Because of our jobs, we communicate a lot by text these days, and have had an ongoing chat for the last couple hours with her at work. It’s almost exactly as you described.
During the day yesterday she was feeling slightly more herself. Teasing, flirting, playing. At some point during the day, She offered herself for me to use in her ball-gag and a teddy. She, knowing how much I love her gagged, with me getting home that night and she was decompensating from the day, tired, sore, and feeling much worse in general than earlier in the day when she had been texting me naughty things.
So you’re right. She didn’t feel that she could live up to anything that I wanted last night, so instead of offering other “light” options, in her words she just “tapped out” completely.
Again we’ve had a great chat this morning. Have discussed all this again. Have made it understood that she is NEVER to assume she knows what I want, or what I need, and she is completely wrong in assuming that if she can’t give me exactly what she feels I need (a good tied-down-gagged-mouth-ass-spanked-fucking) then she shouldn’t give me anything else cause it’s just teasing me….
Man dying of thirst in the desert. Parched. You don’t have a whole canteen of water. You can’t give him what he needs. That’s understood by both parties, but I’m sure that dying man would absolutely love to have his parched mouth wet with the last swallow of your water. Just that taste. Does it make him need water any less? No. He still needs it. But it’s satisfying and pleasing in its own way, and pleases the GIVER just as much to give that satisfaction.
- February 15, 2019 at 12:49 pm #72405
Quotes from our chat this morning. Me to Little Peach. Dom Up time.
“It’s my fault girl. When it boils down no matter what else I am in charge. My decisions. My choices. I assumed and shouldn’t. I should have talked and didn’t. I was silent when I should have asked. My fault”
“You are not here to decide what I need or to try and take care of me. You need to be satisfied to be here and do as your told, and be used how I want. If I’m not asking you to do something then there is absolutely no reason Ever for you to feel bad that you didn’t give”
“My fault. Please do not feel that you’ve failed in any way darling. Especially not in looking after me. The only way we have failed is in communicating well together.”
- February 15, 2019 at 12:59 pm #72406
Tonight, when she gets home from work, I’m going to carefully review her comments to me from the afternoon, judge her mood, see how the kids are doing, and taking all that into consideration, I’m going to take Little Peach upstairs to our room, lock the doors, sit on our ottoman and tell her to kneel in front of me.
Remind her we have safewords for a reason, and that she can ALWAYS use them.
And then tell her that I need her to make me cum all over her tits.
She’s wearing a coveralls dress and a t-shirt today with her collar. I’m going to unbuckle the shoulder straps and push her coveralls down a bit, pull that shirt over to the back of her head without taking her arms out of it, and put a deposit right in the hollow of her throat.
Hopefully that satisfies everyone today. Lol.
But in the meantime I have 5.5 hours of pent up frustration to deal with. Lol
- February 15, 2019 at 2:03 pm #72407Mr. DominusParticipantPremium Content | Through the Eyes of a husDOM™
I agree with OTW. From what we see you are taking incredible steps forward. This can sometimes lead to insecurities do to one or the other early in the dynamic. Maybe to much to fast for her or shes just off her game because of illness and will bounce back with both barrels blazing. Time will tell. I can get a little pent up if Kristine is down for awhile and this makes her uneasy and feeling unsure of where my mindset is at. Which leads her to worry shes not feeding me and feeling bad about herself and self image the situation quickly starts spiral down the drain. I think you have done outstanding work communicating in your dynamic. I would want to know why she feels it necessary to stop everything vs. Something. What is the thought process that leads her to that conclusion? I like your analogy of a man in the desert with no water. I feel your pain here. You are doing a great job of handling this Dom. My hat is off to you sir.
- February 15, 2019 at 2:20 pm #72408
Thanks Dominus and OTW.
Hopefully all of this just boils down to 5 weeks of sick.
I was literally just telling Peach that I can’t wait until we’re healthy. We have come so far in this, and we haven’t had 3 consecutive days of everyone feeling healthy in our house YET since we started this dynamic, and yet we are moving forward. She has said she loves me more than ever before. We are communicating more than ever for sure.
Our D/s “honeymoon” has been wracked and wrecked by illness. Lol. We can’t wait until we’re healthy and we can look back and say “holy crap, if we dealt with all of that right at the beginning, we can handle anything down the road as we get stronger and closer together”
Bumps. Ebbs n flows. Shudders. Takem. Learn and grow.
Now I have to figure out what will be the best way to console, feed and strengthen my sub.
She feels she isn’t giving me what I need, she feels she needs to give me more, but can’t. She doesn’t really know how she feels sometimes and safewords inappropriately. Lol.
I think the biggest thing I personally have to work on here is figuring out the absolute best ways to build her up, strengthen, feed and protect her and especially her submissiveness, when she feels she has dropped her end of the bargain.
She’s my princess, and I owe her more than anything in the world is worth. Her submission is precious to me, and I so want to help her build it together with my dominance.
Wish me luck.
- February 15, 2019 at 2:26 pm #72409
This jumped out at me “She doesn’t really know how she feels sometimes and safewords inappropriately”
I would be careful having your thinking go on these lines, in the moment it may have been what was needed, she may regret having done it after but you want her to know you respect her safe word.
I am working with minx on this right now, we are discussing how to increase her willingness to use when she needs while balancing with encouraging her to grow to use them when she needs not just when she is being stretched.
- February 15, 2019 at 3:09 pm #72410CrewingstatesParticipantPremium Content | Through the Eyes of a husDOM™
I am glad to see all of the open communication between you and your little peach. Does she know your expectations for her? Are they written down somewhere so she can refer back to them? I know that the issue with my little daisy not knowing my expectations for her made her feel like she had to guess and assume what it was I wanted. We created the week day and weekend routine so she knows exactly what I expect from her day-to-day, outside of scenes/playtime. Perhaps having a conversation about expectations would be in order, that way both of you know that the other understands the expectations.
- February 15, 2019 at 5:42 pm #72412
Thank you both.
Yes a conversation along those lines has been started Crewing. We’re both on the same page now about responsibilities.
@OTW, regardless of her reasons for safewording, if she uses one that’s it. I’m 100% committed to that. They are final. We’re just working on when she should limit vs stop (our yellow and reds). Last night she thinks now that she should have Limited, rather than Stopped, and we would have both been fed more. We’re Working forward from there.
- February 15, 2019 at 8:53 pm #72413
Great, just read it that you thought it was inappropriate and saw that could be a slippery slope for you guys. Glad to hear that was the result of communication. We are working on the opposite. Minx is concerned about yellowing when she needs to because I have pulled back to far when she has yellowed in the past.
- February 15, 2019 at 9:56 pm #72414Buck/AMBParticipantPremium Content | Through the Eyes of a husDOM™
Hermosa, I’m glad to see that the communication is growing. I see the word assume quite often and that would be a stumbling block in any dynamic. Good communication will take the assuming, what the other person is feeling or thinking, out of the equation.
It’s hard to focus on anything when you are sick and feel bad for so long. Sometimes the job of a husband and Dom is taking care of his wife/sub and feeding her, letting her know how much he loves and appreciates her.
Wench had trouble using her safe word for a while because she didn’t want to disappoint me so I had to watch her very closely and we had a big discussion about how to use her safe word. I think safe word usage comes up with more couples then you think. You are not alone there.
I would wish you good luck except I think hard work trumps luck every time and you seem to be working hard at your dynamic so you’re on your way to greatness.
- February 16, 2019 at 3:10 am #72417
Thanks again guys.
Yet again my Little Peach is a goddess, and comes home and it’s problem solved.
Not that we don’t have to work on this, but that she says she feels she has things she can work on, that we have things we need to work TOGETHER on, and that she wants to keep moving forwards even when she’s sick.
So that’s a huge +1 in my books.
So to celebrate I took the whole family out for dinner, and bought Little Peach a toy-chest for our growing collection. We’ve had fun picking one out together, and I decided that today was the day.
Still have lots to work on. Taking the “assumption” out of everything. Making sure she is comfortable and safe, making sure we are both living up to our agreement, and feeding each other.
It’s getting harder with the sickness as is, because Peach I is now “feeling” better overall, but is still incapable of good ol sex. So she’s getting PRETTY desperate. Lol. So I have to make sure that if I’m taking anything from her it’s not making her pent up need worse.
Can’t wait till this house is healthy. I can only imagine that if we can work through all this crap while she’s sick, kids sick, work nuts… it’s gonna be awesome when we’re all whole!
Thanks so much for the advise again folks.
- February 28, 2019 at 12:14 pm #72544GoddessQueenParticipantBasic | Dominant
I really like how this conversation had the importance of safe words. Perhaps I am in a similar situation. It is important to watch your sub for how they feel and react, because all they want to do is please and be pleased by our pleasure. So they might not use the safewords at all. Its defiantly a responsibility not only as a D, but as a leader too.
Thank you for posting this, its been very helpful.
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