This topic contains 6 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  subtlyfirm 4 months, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #72983
     subtlyfirm 
    Participant

    Premium Content | Through the Eyes of a husDOM™

    I have been incredibly confused and at a loss as to how to proceed. I know I’m the only one who is intimate with this situation so I’m not looking for advice on my specific dilemma but suggestions or…well, this is where my confusion sets in.
    I’ll keep it simple: my sub has a mental illness. He’s medication compliant and he has daily tasks to promote positive mental health. When he disobeys, his disclipline is based upon choices he makes – his illness isn’t a factor.
    However, 2 weeks ago our lives completely changed (inside and outside of our home) because of his action – which is directly related to his illness (no doubt). Our marriage isn’t in jeopardy but our D/s relationship definitaly is. I feel he has broken the foundation of trust and love that we have carefully built.
    I don’t want to talk to him about any of it and have successfully avoided him. But, I know this is a time that he absolutely needs me to control, manage our lives. As I mentioned before, there is zero trust but, on the other hand, he doesn’t function very well without my direction so where does this leave me? It would be much easier if I thought of him separately as a husband and a sub but it’s not the case.

  • #72984
     Sir Hermosa 
    Participant

    Premium Content | Through the Eyes of a husDOM™

    Subtlyfirm

    Welcome. I have seen you online a few times, but have not had a chance to chat with you so far. I hope that in your browsing and lurking you’ve been able to find some inspiration from our community.

    I don’t know the specifics of your situation, and as you said I will not be able to give you solutions. But I can definitely chime in on what my dynamic looks like.

    First things first. You mentioned that you can’t separate your husband from being your sub. In our dynamic my Little Peach is my wife AND sub. They are one and the same thing really.

    Secondly, you mentioned that you are avoiding discussing this with your sub. In my (albeit limited) experience with a D/s dynamic, bedroom or 24/7 which we are now in, I have found that “keeping things” or deliberately avoiding certain discussions can quickly poison my dynamic and my motivation, drastically increase the bad feelings that flow when you feel that someone isn’t pulling their share in the relationship, and crushes the trust (however little of it you have left) that is needed for a healthy marriage and D/s relationship to flourish.

    I won’t give you anything hard and fast as a solution, but if this was me and I had completely lost my trust in my Little Peach, it would be the beginning of many long conversations. Slowly finding the reasons that led to the loss of trust, finding the emotions that led to those reasons, and working on regaining control of them.

    Again that’s just me, but I feel strongly that communication is a must. Even if you have to start small and rebuild that communication one small step at a time.

    Just remember this is how I would look at my relationship in this situation. We both know yours is unique.

    Welcome. I hope you find a home here and can learn and teach in turn!

    Cheers

  • #72987
     Sir OTW | AMB 
    Participant

    Premium Content | Through the Eyes of a husDOM™

    SubltyFirm,

    It is nice to meet you, like Hermosa, I would ask why you cannot talk to him about the violation of trust. For us, one of the primary reasons we started and have loved continuing D/s-M is the increase in communcation, openness, and trust. These cannot be fed by avoiding a major issue. I understand with mental illness as a part of our environment this may change how you need to approach the subject, but your marriage, let alone your dynamic needs open communication and trust to be rebuilt.

    During the time of rebuilding trust, you may think about considering altering or simplifying your dynamic, allowing an opportunity for both of you to regain trust and openness with each other while focusing on the parts of your dynamic that are the most important.

  • #72990
     subtlyfirm 
    Participant

    Premium Content | Through the Eyes of a husDOM™

    Thank you both for your words and thoughts. I am the one who made a bad situation even worse. Looking back on it I should have addressed the possibility that the evening with military friends could trigger his PTSD. I didn’t communicate my concern nor did I have a plan on how to handle the situation if he couldn’t. After dinner I failed to ask how he felt, etc. It ended with my mlb calling law enforcement to report that a terrorist entered his home (which was me) and, unfortunately, he was handcuffed and spent the night in a jail. I bailed him out of the following day and paid a top attorney to defend him…then I essentially deserted him.

    Both of your replies stressed communication. That’s when I looked back on the episode and realized how many times I failed to give guidance, reassurance and provide a comfort that he clearly needed. So, I invited my mlb to lunch and we had an open and honest conversation – the first in 2 weeks. It’s definitely “to be continued” one. Progress will be slow but I have very little doubt that we can repair the cracked foundation.

    Truly, thank you.

  • #72991
     Sir Hermosa 
    Participant

    Premium Content | Through the Eyes of a husDOM™

    Thank you for sharing. That must have been a horrible night for both of you.

    I’m praying that you and your MLB can find that common ground and start patching the cracks.

    In our journey so far, I’ve found that every time there is a conflict that needs to be addressed, it has been a lack of MY communication and leadership that has inevitably led to the problems that accrued down the road.

    I’ve had to grow a lot to earn her submission.

    Good luck. And don’t be afraid to let go of your ego and actually listen.

    Cheers

  • #73003
     GoddessQueen 
    Participant

    Basic | Dominant

    Hello, I am glad to hear and see you’re getting support from the community. Their advice on communication is very important and it seems you’re on the road to recovery. I can’t say much myself, only my point of view and I hope its helpful in some way.

    For us dom(mes) its also important to check in with ourselves as well as checking in with our subs. Recovering from the cracks in your DS relationship is important, so is recovering from the cracks in yourself (and we all have our own!).

    Personally, I find keeping a book of my thoughts and feelings on certain situations helps to get it out of my head and refocus. Eventually, I find a signal or pattern that tells me I’m doing something that’s upsetting me and eventually upsetting my relationships (it works with other situations too).

    So as you go on this journey of recovery, check in with yourself now and again in whichever way helps you to refocus. Hope this helps!

  • #73007
     subtlyfirm 
    Participant

    Premium Content | Through the Eyes of a husDOM™

    GoddessQueen,

    Thank you for your words. Certainly helps!
    The first time I became active on this site (beyond perusing) was with this post. I was in a situation that I had no idea how to handle and I couldn’t confide in anyone. Then, it hit me…husDOM!! So, I wrote my post and went into the chat room and pretty much pled for help. The insight, input and encouragement was incredible. Yours included, the responses were in-depth and personal. I’ve reread the post and comments several times.
    I was (still am) saddened how I reacted to the entire situation. But I firmly believe recovery is possible…I also firmly believe that my self-awareness needs improving 🙂

    Again, thank you for being such a knowledgeable and supportive community!

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