- August 4, 2014 at 6:40 am #4978HerSirParticipantBasic | Dominant
I’m typing this whilst sitting in an Australian ski resort. My Love is not with me because the holiday was booked well, well before we had become a couple as a promise to my kids after a family tragedy. I really wish I wasn’t here (and the skiing is the best it’s been this season) because My Love isn’t with me…
Leading up to the holiday My Love became more and more emotional. Being somewhat new to the D/s life I really didn’t realise why she was devastated by the prospect of me going on holiday without her until the first night away. It’s obvious in retrospect, but she felt as if, having placed her submission before Me, I had then abandoned her. Intellectually she knew this wasn’t the case, but emotionally, on a gut level, that’s how she felt.
We play with a variety of toys which includes scalpels and cutting (in fact it’s one of her favourites). I will cut small designs into her, which she loves, and normally she is deeply in subspace and finds the entire play very cathartic. The night before I left, she asked if I might cut her. I thought that it might help her to feel more connected with me if she had a new design. We began in ways which normally help her to reach subspace. When she was ready I began. The cutting is painful obviously (I’ve tried on myself so I know what the sensations are) but she didn’t react like she would normally. She moved more and actually rolled away twice (she’s not normally tied when I cut her) although she did not complain, request me to stop or use her safeword. I did not feel that things were quite as they should be, but determined to give her something that would connect us I ignored the feeling (yes I know… stupid). At one point as she moved I sighed.
I finished and we went through our normal aftercare for this form of play. I was unhappy with how the play had gone and unhappy with Myself because of that. When I said goodbye to her, I was still unhappy with Myself. I spoke to her the next evening and she complained that I had been weird when I left her, that I had been mean and made her feel like shit.
I was a bit surprised by this and somewhat horrified that she thought that I had be nasty on leaving her. We spoke about it at length over the next several nights. I realised why she had felt I was weird and ‘mean’. It was because I had been preoccupied by the play which hadn’t gelled. I had been angry at myself, for continuing when I felt something wasn’t right, for listening for My Love to say something if she felt there was a problem. I had been distracted and hadn’t made her feel loved. Couple with the feeling of abandonment she was already feeling, she naturally felt crappy.
Even worse, even after I’d explained the reasons behind me being ‘weird’ she continued to feel that she had failed me and that I was angry and disappointed with her because of the sigh I had made. It took a long talk before I was able to explain to her that at no point was I angry or disappointed in her.
On top of that (yes there’s more!) she had thought things through, and had realised she has submitted to me so deeply that she doesn’t believe that she is capable any longer of using a safeword. She hadn’t realised it at the time, and had told me as soon as she realised that this was the case.
As My Love’s Dominant I am obviously responsible for her safety and well being when playing. I had felt that something was wrong but had continued, thinking that it was just me and that My Love would tell me if something wasn’t working (we communicate well about things, but I failed this time). I should have gone with my feeling and stopped, regardless of whether My Love had said something was wrong or not. Fortunately there has been no emotional harm come from my fuck up (strong words deliberately used).
The act of submitting fully to her Dominant has left My Love very vulnerable to acts of Mine that she perceives as negatives towards her – the sigh gave her great distress, which was totally unintended. I need to be aware at all times that poorly thought out acts or words can cause her great distress.
My Love’s realisation that she is unlikely to be able to use her safeword during play means that I need to be very careful and actively engage with her verbally as well as be very observant about her body language.
This experience has been very valuable and there has been no harm done, but it could very easily have had horrible consequences. I’m posting this in the hopes that other people can read and learn from this set of mistakes and hopefully avoid them…
- October 6, 2018 at 5:54 pm #71560PuntaParticipantBasic | Dominant
Thanks for the post.
My partner and I are relatively new to this and your post has been educating for me.
I suspect my sub will behave like yours and fail to use her safe word even if she wanted to.
- October 7, 2018 at 4:29 pm #71565StillParticipantPremium Content | Through the Eyes of a husDOM™
Thank you for being open and forward about your experience. It may be that at a time in the future for all of us are goal is for them never having to use a safe word at all. Try as we might mistakes happen sir and you have seen that you made one. You will make more and you need to let her know that, so having the safe word is important for both of you.
Learning is important. Mistakes are part of learning. So in reality you have made a strive forward even though it feels the opposite.
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