- March 21, 2015 at 4:19 pm #7415
This is a repost from introductions
I’m not sure quite where to start…
My wife and I have been attempting this on a “trial” basis. We have been trying bdsm bedroom only for about a year. Whereas that sounds a long time for a trial, it’s probably only been maybe 5 or 6 play sessions over that time. I have read a great number of websites, forums, books, videos, etc but none have really been able to help. In fact most have been a Bdsm 101 at best. Informative but nothing dealing with the issues we seem to be experiencing.
Long story short, we have been together for almost 16 years and married for almost 10, strictly monogamous, nonpublic so munches are out. My wife in particular is at a wall with her submission. She agrees she is submissive and enjoys receiving instructions and limited restraints. I have done downtime chats and no dice, she continues to feel like it is strictly role play and admits the wall blocking her submission is a fear of losing herself. I have given her hundreds of links to read from the same sources I have read relating to the issue. We are also aware that each couple’s relationship and power exchange is different and unique so our own communication is key. I am hoping some other husbands out there may have some tips that worked for their spouses. I’m at my wits end. I haven’t been able to figure a way to help her breach the wall. I’ve tried directed assignments, with follow ups. She doesn’t do most of them. Punishment is almost a hard limit for her having had problems growing up. I’ve offered to stop the trial many times but she continues to want to keep trying.
I’m trying to get her to post to the linked site for submissive to ask for help there but she is extremely shy of posting about any of this online. In hindsight I don’t know how shy she is about it (she is secretive and would be mortified if outed) however she has got to be one of the few women that don’t talk about their feelings. She has historically enjoyed brevity when discussing what she likes about anything, not just sex or the bdsm dynamic.
I apologize for the rambling. I’m just trying to help lead her to sub bliss.
Thank you for any advice offered.
- March 22, 2015 at 12:53 am #7419HerSirParticipantBasic | Dominant
There are a couple of things that spring to mind reading this. The first is have you and your wife sat down and actually worked out where you want to go with the D/s dynamic? Do you simply want more D/s in the bedroom or do you want a 24/7 dynamic? You really need to discuss these things with your wife, and she really needs to be prepared to talk about how she feels or you will have significant challenges in your dynamic.
The feeling of role play is something that time and patience should reduce. If you have only scened rarely, then it is not really surprising that your wife feels she is acting a part. A D/s relationship dynamic doesn’t just spring full blown from the ground, it takes time and commitment from both people. If the two of you rarely exercise or feed your dynamic, than your wife will naturally not remain in a submissive mindset, and for that matter your mind set will likely not really be in that much better shape.
In relation to the wall – you’ve said your wife is worried about losing herself. Do you know what she means? You probably need to discuss how she feels and you need to reassure her that she will be safe and that she won’t lose herself. She needs to believe this or she’ll stay blocked by the wall.
My suggestion would be sit your wife down and talk to her, make sure you’re both going in the same direction. Then discuss how to begin building the right mind sets for both of you (regardless of what type of dynamic you’re after). Perhaps set some guidelines/rules or rituals such as kneeling before you each night before going to bed, or calling you ‘Sir’ or another appropriate title. Make sure that you are consistent and follow through on whatever it is you decide. Don’t go for anything too big or complicated, just go some small things first. Small things every day will help her begin to feel submissive and she will likely become less ‘role play’ minded.
Punishment and disciple are areas which can be complicated. Although most dominants use a physical punishment like being caned, cropped or spanked, you’ll find talking with many dominants that their submissives are more upset by the fact that they’ve disappointed their dominant rather than by the physical aspect. Punishments do not necessarily have to be physical. If physical punishment is a hard limit, consider other things, like restriction on watching tv, or browsing the Internet. Be creative.
I hope this helps – make sure that you read the blogs and the other forum discussions, there is a world of good advice there.
- March 22, 2015 at 9:24 am #7424
Thanks for the reply.
We have discussed the dynamic before we began. Probably should have said that originally. She is adamant now that it stay strictly in the bedroom. I have agreed to this adding that once we were both more comfortable in the dynamic that I’d like to readdress that topic as I see it fitting in as 24/7 without much change however if she wanted to leave it bedroom only I would be just as happy.
I have tried to make her discuss her concerns with me and exactly what she means when she says “fear of losing herself”. From my understanding, taking into account her vanilla background and beliefs, I believe that her fear consists of becoming dependent on me and that I would control her not allowing her to think for herself. I have stated emphatically that is not the case nor do I have a real interest in that. To me that is a more M/s relationship. After researching bdsm for a little bit before I brought it to her attention (we had previously played around with light restraints and blindfolded frequently) I approached her with the topic to begin to try a d/s dynamic as a way to give her a shelter from the world. She is also afraid our daughter will see her not having a mind of her own and grow up as a doormat. I said I don’t see my wife as a doormat even in the dynamic nor would I have her do anything different in front of our daughter. She agrees that I wouldn’t and states it’s not a trust issue with me which leaves me confused as it sounds like a trust issue. My personal opinion is that she is afraid that she will like it and that she is a bad girl. I also believe she has trouble separating “mommy” time from wife time. I have voiced my opinions to her in an effort to offer what could be a source of her trouble. She said “Could be. I don’t know.”
Regarding punishment, she sees it as infantalization and being chastised. She has tolerated and even opted for corporal punishment instead of other options. She expresses some remorse over not completing the assignment however she would then go on not completing the next assignments. These assignments include reading postings, directed research, journaling and other short tasks.
I understand the limited play as slowed progress and neither of us expect massive changes overnight especially when she is coming from a very strong pro-feminist background. I was hoping other members here might have had similar problems and had found a way to deal with it.
- March 22, 2015 at 10:40 am #7425sirParticipantBasic | Dominant
I have read your post and I would like to very briefly explain how I over came the same problems.
First I would like to start by saying I asked My Little Trooper to submit to me. I started by doing my research and educating myself first for a few months.
I knew that if I was to just ask MLT to submit to me, she would have told me where to go and how to get there. Only a year and a half ago MLT was very, very vanilla. So vanilla that she had never even watched a porno and if I made her, it did nothing sexually for her what so ever. So I developed a plan. Yes manipulation and planting seeds, but good seeds, healthy seeds.
My first step in my plan was to introduce kink into the bed room. Make it fun, introduce her to new things, new toys, and new ideas. This opened up her mind and relaxed her to change. This was strictly bedroom, but I made sure that outside the bedroom I was a gentlemen to her and Dominant. At this time she had know idea what I was doing, nor what I was planning. She just knew she liked the positive change she saw in me.
My next step was to introduce a form of 24D/s. “Switching”. I new I had to still have a level playing field. So we talked about us both being Dominants and subs. On certain days she was the Dom and I was the sub and on other days it was vice versa. This allowed me to introduce the roles and have fun. We each came up with our own rules, rituals and punishments for the days we were Dominants and put together a very extensive contract. I will be honest and say I went the opposite direction and went full tilt. I did not start out slow. I new that yes I had many many rules, but I also new that out of the many rules not all would stick. The bottom line is that I did not want to start out with three to five rules and in the end only one or two stick. I wanted a huge change, and for me it worked. It soon became apparent to MLT that she loved being the sub and having all the attention. I will say that worked great for me because I hatted being spanked and cropped.
My next step was then to ask MLT to submit and try it for a month, she gladly accepted! I now draw up new contracts every month alowing us to grow and change our 24D/s-M dynamic.
I strongly believe that myself and MLT are so successful with our 24D/s-M dynamic solely because we started out as “switchers”. Me being a sub for six months allowed me to inbrace how a sub feels at certain times and why. MLT being a Dominant aloud her to realize and understand why now I have rules, rituals and punishments and for D/s to work I must be consistant. I strongly believe this is a huge corner stone in our solid foundation. We both understand completly what both are thinking and why we act the way we do.
The bottom line is, when introducing everything I made it fun. I made sure she was always the focus. I made her realize that, what we were doing was great and felt great. These seeds I planted allowed MLT to make her own decision and want to submit to me.
- March 22, 2015 at 12:55 pm #7433
The switch is a great idea. Prior to even considering this dynamic, we tried once to have her lead. She was/is not very good at giving instructions or commands and I have brought up switching again and she isn’t interested.
I realize this is a highly personal journey for any couple and there is no one size fits all solution, I just want to ensure I’m doing everything possible to help her. I feel I’ve done a lot of reading but being new one never knows how much one doesn’t know. I’m not saying I’ve read everything there is but I’ve read a lot from both sides of the dynamic.
I appreciate everyone’s input.
- March 27, 2015 at 12:15 pm #7634Mr.ParticipantBasic | Dominant
Otterlyfunny, thanks for posting about these issues. I feel an affinity with your situation and also Sir’s (initially) and face many of the same things. In my opinion, it is mostly about how we as Doms deal with it that will make the difference. First of all (and all of this is simply my current approach as a newbie so take it with a grain of salt), if our subs are slower than us to develop, we can and should, I think, take on the responsibility of Dom training ourselves. It’s journey has been just as much, if not more, about how I’m changing myself, than how I’m training my sub/wife. Two more things. My approach is that any submission is submission. Bedroom is not a lesser thing, it is still bedroom submission! Already in a short time, things have come a great distance from where they were with us. Almost like night and day. Finally, I think for many people, it is largely role play, and there’s nothing wrong with that. I’m guessing that if it developed into more than that, it will be because we sit back for the long ride and enjoy watching both ourselves and our subs develop slowly over time.
All the best,
- March 27, 2015 at 1:15 pm #7635Mr. Fox | Founder D/s-MKeymasterPremium Content | Through the Eyes of a husDOM™
Bedroom is not a lesser thing
This can not be any more accurate…
LK and I began in the bedroom with no intention of developing a 24/7 dynamic. We were no less D/s than anyone else in my opinion. The progression for us to 24/7 was a natural one and I believe would be for most couples.
Couples need to be very careful when comparing themselves and their dynamic to other couples. If the other couple is embellishing in some activity that you are not it does not indicate that they are in any way further along in their dynamic or any more D/s than you are. Exceeding your own limits or what is right for your relationship only to try and ‘keep up’ with another couple or to be ‘more D’s’ than another couple is sure to end in catastrophe.
- March 27, 2015 at 5:00 pm #7653sirParticipantBasic | Dominant
I could not agree more with what Mr.Fox said!
It is best to move at your own speed. When reading sites or talking to other couples it is best to take away from the conversation what you think will work for your D/s and leave the rest.
I personally stay here on husDOM because this site keeps me grounded. I find that when I start venturing out and reading other sites is when I start to get myself in trouble. There is a lot of crap on the Internet that seems like great ideas until you actually sit back and think about them. Most of the stuff you read on line is for short term D/s and not geared for married D/s.
I find here on husDOM, for the most part, the Doms here are very genuine and will tell you the truth, and help with safety aspects.
Again, it is best to move at your own pace! Yes always be pushing to grow but cosistantly with out having to take steps back because you tried to move to fast. You will find that you will grow much faster being consistent.
- March 30, 2015 at 3:35 pm #7717
Thank you all for the suggestions and anecdotes. I wanted to give a brief update in that my wife is now feeling much more comfortable with our dynamic. After reading reading your suggestions, I began to think I might have been trying to much and forcing the issue a little more than she was prepared to take. I also began to ease up on what constituted a scene thinking I may have been attempting too many things at once being over zealous. We had two brief sessions that were far easier for her and during follow up she stated she enjoyed it. She also readied herself according to instructions without me even having given them to her or expected it. We both have a long way to go in our journey but the mortar is cracking and chipping around the wall now.
- March 30, 2015 at 4:05 pm #7718Mr. Fox | Founder D/s-MKeymasterPremium Content | Through the Eyes of a husDOM™
Good day Sir…
Thank you for the followup on you and your submissive… There is something that is vital and I have been talking about it again this morning and you mentioned it in your post so I want to use this time to highlight it again…
I began to think I might have been trying to much and forcing the issue a little more than she was prepared to take. I also began to ease up on what constituted a scene thinking I may have been attempting too many things at once being over zealous.
I recommend to the new husDOM to only try one new technique that he is unfamiliar with at a time. The additional stress of several new items at once during a scene will be sensed by your submissive and it may lead to her feeling as though she is not performing to your satisfaction. This scenario can ultimately contribute to a temporary loss of confidence for both the submissive and the Dominant.
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