- April 30, 2019 at 9:58 am #72979Mr. MahaffeyParticipantBasic | Dominant
I have been luirking on this site for a few days now and found it to halve a wealth of useful information. I do however find myself having several questions still. I’m in a long term relationship and we sat down the other day and talked about some things that we would like to try I brought up D/s relationship and she agreed. This was great and so the studing began I’m a huge believer in study more now and mess up later especially in our situation. We have decided that for now this was only going to happen in our house not out in public or when out with friends. We both want to see how she handles it before turning into a 24/7 D/s relationship. We are struggling however with chores/task for her to do and the appropriate punishment for them.
I also want to be very careful not to cross any limits as she was in an abusive relationship for 5 years. I have helped her tremindously and she has gone to therapy since we have been together and she has made great strides but she still has some bad days where her depression or anxiety flares back up. I don’t want to take things to far way to fast and throw her back into a bad head space and feel like she is back in her previous relationship. We have both agreed that we think that this will potentially help her with her past issues but I wanted some ad vice first on anyone elses experience.
Currently she is in school so she has simple chores/task like she must have finish all homework at a reasonable hour we said 7:30 that night some classes she doesn’t get out of until 4 that evening.
She must keep the living room and bedroom straightened up
Fold the laundry
Must write in a journal to reflect
But thats about it and we both feel that this may not really be enough
Also currently our only real punishment is Spankings how does everyone come up with their punishments and how do you really weigh out crime to punishment?
I’m sorry if this seems extremely basic but we are both wanting to go through this together but neither one of us really have experience with it.
- April 30, 2019 at 10:07 am #72980Sir Hermosa | AMBParticipantPremium Content | Through the Eyes of a husDOM™
Lots of information there, thank you.
I have to say that my list of tasks/chores for my Little Peach is even smaller than yours, and that we have found it MORE than sufficient. Not to say that that is what would be expected or needed in your unique dynamic, but it IS what is needed in ours.
We only have 2 things she does for me on a daily basis, and even when they are missed I have never punished Little Peach. I use corrections a lot though.
I hope you can jump into the chats and share what works and what doesn’t, and listen to some of the unique perspectives we all have with our different dynamics.
Cheers and welcome!
- April 30, 2019 at 11:52 am #72982Sir BeeParticipantPremium Content | Through the Eyes of a husDOM™
Hello and welcome to husDOM. Thank you for sharing a bit of your story. There is a good amount of information here. I want to share a bit of personal information myself. My wife comes from a difficult past/childhood and has some forms of abuse in her past. For us the journey into D/s has been difficult and slow. We have found once starting this that any holes in the relationship or buried feelings from the past will surface quickly. For us we are bedroom only and even at that forward momentum can be difficult. Each couple is different and each journey is unique. I can only offer advice based on my personal experiences. My own lessons learned are to go slow, keep things simple, put a lot of effort into improving and maintaining trust, communication and mutual respect. I hope this is helpful for you. Again, welcome and best wishes moving forward.
- April 30, 2019 at 4:00 pm #72989Sir Hermosa | AMBParticipantPremium Content | Through the Eyes of a husDOM™
One thing I thought of today while re-reading your post sir.
You asked about finding punishments to fit the infraction. Though I do not use punishments in our dynamic I have a couple things I would suggest you think over.
Firstly, punishments should be stand alone things, not related to sexual play in any way. If your “punishment” for an infraction leads to sex or kinky thoughts… is that really acting as an incentive to work harder on improving your relationship? I would argue that it does not incentivize you or her to work harder at being better, and may over time lead to misdemeanours being deliberately (even subconsciously) committed just because the punishment is frigging awesome. Heh.
On this site (and others) we refer to “funishments”. Ie: I’m going to take you over my knee for being a cute little brat, give you some spanks, and see where it goes. It’s play. And great, but not an incentive to do better in your relationship if they are used incorrectly.
Second (and last) thought;
Punishments should be something that you openly and without judgement discuss with your sub, and I would strongly suggest that you use a “trial period” to test the punishments you have both decided on together. Say for 2 weeks you both decide that 5 super hard, non sexual spanks on the arse, followed by (extremely important in my opinion) a loving comment or two expressing that you forgive her, love her, and want to lead her better so that you both never need to punish her for that infraction again. Commit to helping her, then physically help her up and hold her.
Punishments are just as hard on the Dom as the sub. The old adage “hurts me more than it hurts you” does hold true here.
After two weeks, discuss again. Is this punishment effective? Does it make you want to correct the behaviour and do better? Is it more of a funishment? What should we do different if this is not helping us grow? Find a new strategy together, readjust, and try another trial period. Rinse and repeat to find what works for both of you.
A good dominant in my opinion never forces anything on his sub, and completely listens and incorporates her thoughts and feelings while leading their dynamic. A good leader listens to those in their care, and doesn’t dictate.
Feel free to discuss… and as always these are not a set of marching orders, but thoughts to ponder and use if you feel they will benefit you both in your journey.
(And half of this I’m blatantly plagiarizing from MrFox’s blogs over the years 🙂 )
My thoughts sir
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