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    • #15841
      VBHusband
      Participant

      Basic | Dominant

      Hello Doms,

      I’m new to this. Very new in fact. I’m married and my wife told me she was a submissive, and wanted a Dominant in her life. We are complete monogamous.

      I’ve never really explored BDSM before, and we had been pretty vanilla for several years. After her finally telling me what she wanted, I started doing some research and learning how to be a Dom.

      I find myself willing to fill this role, as some aspects we have already been doing for a while. But we sat down last night to discuss limits. We filled out a questionnaire that had 200 questions, with answers from essential, to curious, to 1 (hate it) through 5 (love it), to soft limit and hard limit. After we both filled it out, we looked at it together.

      I learned a lot and found out some of her limits, which was the purpose. However, she analyzed mine much more deeply (I feel). A lot of questions I left at 3 (which was I don’t care, but I’d do it for my partner) and curious, mainly because I don’t have a lot of experience and I’m willing to try most things once.

      Well, she interpreted those answers and said I was a submissive myself. I don’t think that’s true. I might be a switch, comfortable experimenting with top or bottom. We talked last night and eventually had to sleep, but I wasn’t able to convince her otherwise, or comfort her successfully.

      Have you ever had issues where your submissive thought you were a submissive as well? How did you handle it? Also, do you have any suggestions for myself?

      Thank you for your time.

    • #15847
      Mr. Fox | Founder D/s-M
      Keymaster

      Premium Content | Through the Eyes of a husDOM™

      VBHusbnd,

      Masterdym has written a great response…

      After reading your forum thread I sense that you are frustrated. Frustrated that after filling out the limits list with your wife, she now sees you as submissive rather than the Dominant.

      A lot of questions I left at 3 (which was I don’t care, but I’d do it for my partner) and curious, mainly because I don’t have a lot of experience and I’m willing to try most things once.

      Does your submissive relate your answers marked number 3 as indecisive? Does she feel as though Dominant would always have a preference or a dislike to every situation?

      I believe that your response is well put. There are things that are not necessarily on my desire list that I would consider for my lk. Furthermore, I agree with you that there are many things that I have never experienced so I wouldn’t necessarily know if I had a strong preference or not.

      However… She doesnt agree with either of us here…

      Consider this if you will.

      Well, she interpreted those answers and said I was a submissive myself.

      but I wasn’t able to convince her otherwise, or comfort her successfully

      I personally would feel emasculated if lk were to tell me that she felt that I was submissive. And it would be frustrating if I was unable to convince her otherwise.

      If I was to allow this to continue to frustrate me it would be allowing her to have power over me. Consciously or subconsciously for her, she would be controlling my emotions.

      Be confident in who you are as a person and what your desires are. My belief is that a Dominant person can still be in control and be topped if that is what they desire. However, for myself I could never relinquish such control to anyone and have any comfort level with it.

      Dominance and submission, D/s-M, to me is about the dynamic itself. The relationship, a leader and their supporting partner. The BDSM is just the kink… and not defining of the roles per se…

      There is no need to have to convince your submissive of how you feel. We are all entitled to our own feelings.

      Best wishes,

      Mr Fox

    • #15858
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      After years of Vanilla, many of us could be viewed as submissive by our spouses. And that would have been a huge part of the cesspool of emotions I had bottled up.

      Break free. Just be who you are. Actions over words.

    • #15879
      Deep_Horizon
      Participant

      Basic | Dominant

      I have always viewed a sub challenging or attemping to label her dom as being ‘submissive’ as, at times, a test.

      I have considered my subs ‘tests’ as an attempt to assure themselves that their dom is strong and capable enough to dominate them. I refer to them as sub ‘uprisings’ … tests of the limits …. in order to determine if their submission to the dom in question is still a valid, worthy one.

      VBHusband, your sub’s deep analysis of your results is, from her perspective, logical. She is seeking confirmation that you are a worthy dom. My analysis of her behavior is that she needs to KNOW that you are strong enough to dominate her before she allows herself to fully ‘let go’ and submit … submit to her deep needs/desires, and submit to you.

      A strong and steady leadership of her will do wonders to reassure her concerns and allow her to fully put faith and trust into her decision to submit to you.

    • #15880
      sir
      Participant

      Basic | Dominant

      VBHusband,

      My thoughts are that I can feel your frustration, as I would be myself… I myself brought D/s to My Little Trooper so I’m on the other side of the spectrum but defiantly can imagine how I would feel.

      She brought this to you and has an expectation for you to lead. You did the right thing and brought a limit list into the equation, to be safe and sane and consensual.

      I see this problem with many participants that sign up to husDom. There submissive brings high expectation to the table and has three months of research on the husband and as a submissive, has expectation of a fantasy they have read in a few books and on line. I will tell you the tides will turn as soon as you start to scene and add rules, correction and punishment. The moment you put the cuffs on and stand before her with a crop, and start to implement your sexual ideas…The moment you start to implement rules correction and punishment in a 24D/s manner. The moment reality sets in…..You will more than likely be asked to slow down. I’m not saying to hurry and get to this point in your relationship, but to remember how you feel now, when the time comes to slow down on her behalf.

      Before this takes place I believe a true conversation needs to happened about respect or lack of. You began the perfect steps to start a D/s relationship and got totally emasculated in the process. lets break down what just happened here.

      1. Your Trust from her was most likely broken.
      2. You now will probably be questioning your role and if you will be able to fill the shoes.
      3. Your now most likely walking on egg shells wondering if your next move will be used as a weapon as your last just put a hole in your chest.
      4. Your confidence level has probably been pushed to its lowest.
      5. You may now even have resentment….

      So I ask: Is what she did the “act” of a submissive?

      Maybe she needs to think of her “actions” and realize that she is planting a seed, and that seed is fragile and needs to be nourished in order to grow. That D/s is a journey together. That her thoughts should be on her submission to better herself so that you can grow to be her dominant.

      To be D/s means to think before you talk and think of the words you are saying, as they affect everything!

      The conversation in my mind that needs to take place needs to be how she made you feel. That if her expectations are that you are to be her dominant, she needs to respect your decisions and your limits and thats final. That snide remakes need to leave her vocabulary and she needs to let you grow at your own pace.

      You filled out the same list and where true to yourself and your wife. How can you know what you like or dislike something until you try in at least once?

      I would not get discouraged about the incident, but I would take charge and explain that in D/s emasculation is now no longer existent and respect needs to be on the fore front of her mind if she is to find her submission and “let go”.

      Best regards,
      Sir

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