- August 22, 2017 at 7:28 am #69401
My wife and I often err towards D/s in the bedroom, we’ve certainly had a few scenes which we’ve both enjoyed, and each time I’ve taken the D role further she seems to have enjoyed it more. So I’m planning to take things further and open her eyes to what I think D/s could do for us and our relationship. (This site has been a fantastic help and I’ll certainly be introducing her to subMrs in due course).
I know it’s said that new Doms often rush to create long lists of rules unnecessarily, but I think introducing a few ‘ground rules’ may help me to set the tone and explain where I’d like to take things initially, they may also allay any fears she might have and could be a good way to start her (our) training.
I’ve come up with 8 ground rules which I feel would work well for us, but I’m interested to hear what everyone thinks. Suggestions welcome!
1. Pleasure: This is about exploring pleasure. My pleasure is your pleasure – take a moment to think about that statement, it should mean a lot for both of us.
2. Trust: This is also about trust. In the pursuit of pleasure, from time to time I will push your boundaries, but you should trust that I will only do so within the limits we agree. I will let you know in advance if I intend to push your ‘soft limits’ and will only do so with your agreement. Your ‘hard limits’ are my no-go areas.
3. Scenes: This isn’t 24/7. The following ground rules apply only when we’re in a ‘scene’. Scenes may be planned or impromptu, but they are always consensual.
4. D/s: I will be your dominant and you will be my submissive. When we are in a scene you will wear a necklace or collar of my choosing to signify your submission to me. You will call me Sir and you will follow my instructions without hesitation. We will agree your submissive name at a later date.
5. BDSM: We will undoubtedly continue to explore a little light Bondage and Discipline, including ‘punishments’ and ‘funishments’ if you don’t behave, but Sadism and Masochism are not on my agenda.
6. Safe words: If you ask me for ‘more’, I may or may not oblige. Similarly, if you beg me to ‘stop’ I may decide to do so at a time of my choosing. This is simply to enable roleplay within the D/s dynamic. However, if you give the “yellow” safe word I will pause and won’t escalate things further. If you ever use “red” I will stop the scene immediately. My goal is to read you well enough so that rarely, if ever, do you use “yellow”, and never do you need to use “red”.
7. Cumming: When you wish to cum the correct request is “Sir, please may I cum?” At no time are you to cum without my permission. I, on the other hand, will cum where and when I damn well please.
8. Downtime & Aftercare: Downtime happens completely separately to scenes, it is time when we can discuss our D/s activities openly and honestly outside of ‘the moment’. Aftercare happens immediately after a scene and is exactly what it sounds like. Taking time for both is important, for me as well as for you.
- August 24, 2017 at 12:32 pm #69414XKamuniK8dParticipant
Greetings Mr R,
Here is my take on your listed items:
The fact you have a written list like this tells me you may be overthinking things a little bit, and moving faster than you should. In my mind, a list like that should not be given to your wife, but could be yours for use in guiding your conversations with her.
I would like to stress the importance of open, honest communication above any list of statements or rules. The first step is becoming honest with yourself about your desires and openly sharing them with your wife in an environment that encourages the same from her. Once your openly honestly communicating, then you will begin to learn what HER wants, desires, and needs are, will begin building trust, and can begin to formulate what you want setup in terms of meeting mutual expectations etc.
- August 24, 2017 at 1:04 pm #69415
Thank you for the feedback Masterdym. Building the list has been a very useful exercise for me to gather my thoughts and focus my reading, and it has evolved further since I initially posted it. I will think carefully before I decide how to share these with my wife, however it has never been my intention to simply present these without any build-up or prior conversation around the subject.
I completely agree that open and honest communication is important. These principles (which i now believe is a better description than ground rules) will undoubtedly evolve once we start to discuss them. I never intended them to be a fait accomplis, but regardless of whether I do or don’t do anything with them it has been abvery useful exercise for me.
- August 24, 2017 at 9:53 pm #69416Mr. BParticipantPremium Content | Through the Eyes of a husDOM™
I would like to add my thoughts on your list as well.
If I am being totally honest, when we first started out in this journey I also made a list of rules and rituals that I expected to be our foundation. Only to learn that I was expecting way too much from myself, and putting unnecessary pressure on myself as well, being a new Dom and really just starting out. This is not to say that it will not work for you, but it did not work for me. I had about 10 rules and rituals that I expected her to follow as well as 10 for me to monitor and maintain….again, not realizing the effort on my part that it was going to take. I learned over time as well as from other more experienced husDOMS that the simpler I started, the easier it would be for me to maintain consistency. To this day I have a total of 5 that I adhere to, but we started out with only 3. I have kept it real simple.
And please do not take this as a statement that yours will not work for you, as everyone’s dynamic and journey is different.For me, it was too much! I wish you the best of luck on your journey!
And to add to what Masterdym as well as you have stated….COMMUNICATION is key!
Best of luck on your journey and please accept this as just my two cents!
- August 25, 2017 at 12:27 pm #69420
Thanks Mr B. All thoughts and feedback are welcome!
- September 4, 2017 at 11:28 pm #69477DomsalotParticipantBasic | Dominant
If I may, first I want to say, my relationship with my wife, is not Dom and sub, ours is Master and Slave.
Second, I laid out a set or written rules for my wife and I, not because I was over thinking things, but because it lays out a foundation, the foundation is there to serve a purpose. It eliminates doubt and confusion, for her and provides a basis of expectations for her to live and abide by. In addition, it eliminates frustration on my end as her Master. My expectations are not on the whim of a moment, they are issues that are important to me. Hence, they should be important to her.
If I need to correct behavior, or actions, they are based on exactly what I spelled out in writing. There is little room for grey area, because the written rule is, if you’re not sure, ask. She would never be punished for asking questions, but once they have been explained and laid to rest, if they continue, it’s on her, not me.
I would further like to state, there are no cookie cutter Dom/sub relationships, nor Master/slave. Each relationship is individual to the two. Moreover, the importance of laying out rules and guidelines is to eliminate confusion, and create a relationship atmosphere of understanding and great communication, without that, the chance of a healthy relationship diminishes. Most subs, and slaves not only want, but expect to know their Dom/Masters guidelines in the relationship….because they want to flourish, not fail, or disappoint their Dom/Master.
So much for my .02 advice.
Use your best judgement, always provide an atmosphere where they can succeed, not fail, then watch them flourish, and your frustration and need to correct diminish, exponentially.
- September 5, 2017 at 3:23 am #69478
Than you Domsalot, I really appreciate your input.
After making my initial post I have thought about this a lot. For me, these are the guiding principles which as you say, should help to eliminate doubt and confusion in the early days. I have on occasion written letters to my wife, in particular prior to some of the scenes we’ve had in the past, before I even recognised them as ‘scenes’ or acknowledged their D/s style. So presenting these as a written list wouldn’t be out of character for me.
However, I have both expanded on these slightly in terms themes (there are now 10 ‘principles’ in my list) but have also reduced these in complexity in some areas too. This simplification is mostly to reduce any possible shock factor – acknowledging that there are some areas that I’m not precious about and can come There are also other areas where my feelings may change as we explore Mrs.R’s desires, I may well become more open to areas which don’t interest me at present.
- October 30, 2017 at 9:22 am #69742VinnieParticipantBasic | Dominant
I was wary of lists at first, as I thought I may just come across as controlling rather than the lost saying what I want included in our new life.
Actually, mrs v came up with a list of protocols and even rituals in and out of play after completing a research task I set her. They include things that were always part of our pre-D/s life such as the weekly shop, presentation of the house and car. She asked for these so that saved me having to wait for certain occurrences to say, “ok, it’s time we had a rule (and therefore consequences) on this.
Now that she began that mindset, I’ve found it easier to bring up a ground rule to correct previous life annoyances. I would say that if a submissive is serious, about the dynamic she will suggest some of the structure required as ground rules.
I’ll happily post we have up to today if others feel it useful.
- November 12, 2017 at 1:37 am #69787Mr. Fox | Founder D/s-MKeymasterPremium Content | Through the Eyes of a husDOM™
I would say that if a submissive is serious, about the dynamic she will suggest some of the structure required as ground rules.
I would say that I agree with this statement… submissives are searching for structure…
The very nature of her being a submissive is the desire for structure.
- January 22, 2018 at 12:42 pm #70204MasterdarkoneParticipantBasic | Dominant
My submissive and I have together for 6 years. During that time I walked away from truly being the Dom. We are now starting over and have discovered this sight and this post is one that has a lot of interest. I am looking for goals and foundations to rebuild on for myself and for my sub. I find it interesting to read some of what has already been put here.
- January 23, 2018 at 2:18 pm #70207BigOne1960 | ambParticipantPremium Content | Through the Eyes of a husDOM™
This is a very interesting topic and it is good to see that each can express an opinion on this topic freely here. I contend that there is no right or wrong in how couples approach setting rules and rituals within their our dynamic as long it is built around a strong foundation of communication. After over 30 years in the D/s world I have seen couples that have lead very long and successful D/s relationships and marriages with extensive and complex rules and ritual systems as well as those who kept them simple and limited. On the reverse side I have seen both methods fail. I think it comes down to how deliberate a Dom is in monitoring rules and administering punishment when infractions are found and rewarding when rules are followed.
In our D/S-M dynamic Angelica has few rules and rituals which are monitored, but that is my choice and all the rules are designed to bring both structure and benefit to our life together. A couple of our rules are solely to foster her growth in D/s-M and Spiritually while the rest are designed for my benefit and enjoyment. Our approach works for us is it right for everyone? NO! We each, as Doms, study and examine what is right of each of us individually as D/s-M couples.
I applaud each of you who take the time to truly understand what will work for you and your sub Mrs.
- January 23, 2018 at 2:28 pm #70208sirParticipantBasic | Dominant
I missed this thread.
If a list is done and one person does the list then the only person to see the value in the list is the one that created the list. If a contract or list is to be made it makes much more since that both are involved, that way the list has meaning to both parties.
Both sitting down and creating it together can be a great way to develop proper communication and discovery.
- February 13, 2018 at 12:15 am #70273SirScampi1965ParticipantBasic | Dominant
Fascinating topic. I must say, as I am now hoping we can re-embark on our D/s journey, my original “list” will undoubtedly be re-invoked with perhaps some amendments. I will state for the record here that mine was never a list as such, more of a letter of guidance which included both her and my rights and expectations. It’s a two-way street and I firmly believe that anything like this needs to include the expectation of BOTH parties. It was interesting for me to note that Myangel has kept the original letter safely in her keep box and has, in fact, pulled it out several times and made sure I knew she had, even stating she would love to get back there. We will. I hope this helps!
- June 17, 2018 at 5:33 pm #71039Frog PrinceParticipantPremium Content | Through the Eyes of a husDOM™
Since I’m so new to this, I am trying to figure out which rituals and rules will work for us and it is so great to see how others are implementing these. I love structure and also the idea of keeping things simple (easy for me to remember and enforce).
It would be great to hear if there were any rules/rituals that were created and didn’t work well/had to be scrapped?
Also…were there any rules/rituals that you wish you had started sooner?
- August 4, 2018 at 2:59 pm #71261havocblaidParticipantPremium Content | Through the Eyes of a husDOM™
With me and Emerald we have very few miles and rituals. But as our D/sm relationship has grown we have added to and taken away. It’s a state of constant adjustment to what works for us at the time.
We have a very fluctuating life between work kids and other commitments. So what works for a while may not work say when school starts back up. So we always reevaluate and adjust when those times come.
- August 5, 2018 at 10:31 am #71264mace066ParticipantPremium Content | Through the Eyes of a husDOM™
My wife and I have a short list of rules and goals. Some will always stay the same but others are always changing to reflect things that are going on in our lives. Our list was set up early in our Ds at her request.
The rules are simple and few, detailing daily, weekly, and monthly requirements.
The goals change. Most are are geared toward making her new small business a success. In the past we have done weight loss and several other things that she wanted to do. The goals are always initiated by things that she wants to achieve. I add them to the rules to give her a more structured way to reach her goals.
- August 8, 2018 at 3:12 pm #71272BrianParticipantBasic | Dominant
It seems that some Doms in this form are strongly against written rules, and others are just as strongly in favor of them. My Keiki and I have only recently begun trying to live a D/s-M relationship 24/7, but I believe that written rules are a very good idea. Perhaps it’s simply my training; I’m an attorney, and so my job is to state things very clearly so that they can’t be misinterpreted. Whatever the reason, I think writing down rules makes it easier for both of us to understand what is expected of us. Keiki can rest assured that I will not forget her limits, because they are permanently written down. At the same time, since she is a bit scatterbrained, I think it is easier for her to remember my rules if she can re-read them sometimes. Hopefully, they will become second nature to her at some point, but at least for now I think the written rules are helpful.
Everyone’s situation is different, I know. Another part of why written rules work well for me is that I’m trying to help Keiki become more organized. She frequently forgets to do things (chores, charging her phone before work, taking her prenatal vitamins, etc.), and then she is upset with herself afterward for forgetting. My rules are more specific than most Dom’s (I’m guessing), because I am requiring her to do specific things in the hopes that they will become part of her constructive daily routine.
- August 10, 2018 at 11:03 am #71276SlySaintParticipantPremium Content | Through the Eyes of a husDOM™
To each their own, of course, but our experience is that we wrote a contract. It’s currently 8 pages long and covers a lot of different situations with clarity. For my Jade, who is an admin savant and has worked in contracts, this specificity is incredibly effective at setting her mindset and providing a framework where she has the capacity to succeed which is incredibly important for our dynamic. It has also served us well as I can move freely as we have agreed to and refer back to it in order to correct her or remind myself of what I have committed to.
Additionally, it is a living document. We have gone back and changed parts, removed parts and added parts to reflect where our dynamic is and the new situations we have encountered. We also have an addendum section for trying out new protocols before it is added to the actual contract. It’s not for everyone, but for us, there is a greater freedom and and easier power exchange with the specificity of the written rules.
- August 12, 2018 at 11:06 am #71278Mr. Fox | Founder D/s-MKeymasterPremium Content | Through the Eyes of a husDOM™
Thank you for sharing how you have set up your ground rules. You have mentioned something that is often overlooked but is crucial for success.
‘… as we have agreed to and refer back to it in order to correct her or remind myself of what I have committed to.’
The contract is crucial for BOTH partners. The contract is the document where you should have also put forth your responsibilities as a Doniannt. A Dominant is also responsible for being familiar with and abiding by the contract, both her side as well as his. Where the submissive is only responsible for her part.
In other words it serves as the Dominants accountability to the dynamic.
I like the way that you included it and felt that it was worthy of highlighting.
- September 13, 2018 at 2:50 pm #71407Sir OTW | AMBParticipantPremium Content | Through the Eyes of a husDOM™
We are still getting ours defined but my minx wants rules and for them to be followed through on. I need them written down and very clear as she wants to serve and obey most of the time but has a bratty streak that will exploit a loophole.
Right now I am keeping them simple for my sake as I want to be consistent for her. I am planning to sit down and rework them since our dynamic just changed and grew this week.
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